Ok so its late/very early and I wouldn't usually post about relationship problems on an Internet forum but I can't sleep and I just don't know what to do! I have a great bunch of close friends and I work with people that are old enough to be my mum and have life experience but I just feel like maybe they're being too bias and possibly saying what I want to hear so here goes...
I met this guy (Jay) three years ago and it's been "sort of seeing" ever since. *Our best friends used to date and we met in a club on his best friends birthday that I got dragged out for, I'd met my friends boyfriend before but not his best friend and when I did he took a shine to me and started to chat me up, I've been hurt in the past and I have brothers so I know what sh*ts men can be so I don't generally trust men very easily, Jay however seemed different but not different enough to jump into a relationship with when he asked me within the first week of knowing him, I mean how am I meant to know what I thought within a week?
After getting to know him for a few months he gave me this big speech about how his fallen in love with me and my stupid reaction was to bring my guard back up and I told him that I just wanted to be good friends, I didn't want to put a label on us and I was so scared of getting hurt that I felt like I couldn't let him in and as much as he respected my decision we continued to just be friends. *A few more months went by and we were just getting closer and closer and a close relapse with my ex made me realise how much Jay meant to me, I'd fallen for him in a big way and we started seeing each other as more than friends
I was so happy with the way things were going with him, I'd always been attracted to him but trust is a big thing for me, I was so scared of getting hurt that it took a wake up call to make me bite the bullet and go for it, I've never told him this but I even gave up my uni place on a course because I didn't want to move 250 miles away from him, he meant more to me than anyone ever had.
There was no conventional reason for us then not being together, neither of us lied or cheated, but there was someone else, I was late. *We'd talked about kids before but neither of us had wanted them yet, we were both still young and just weren't ready, I got a referral to have a termination but when it actually came down to it we knew we were making the wrong decision, a few of my friends got caught out young and have children so I knew how hard it was but we just couldn't go through with it...two weeks after that I lost our baby, what I thought was the initial solution was the biggest upset and still to this day the hardest thing I have ever had to go through, I completely shut everyone out and *as much as he tried to be there for me I wouldn't let him, I didn't want to return his calls or texts and I thought I could get away with just putting on my make up and going to work, it didn't solve any of it, it didn't stop me from seeking comfort in Krispy Kreme's and it didn't stop me from breaking down in work.
I eventually really opened up to my close friend Chris that I work with, we've always had banter, his always known about my relationships and although there has always been sexual chemistry there neither of us would ever go there, he is like my male best friend which is why he was so great helping me through it all and getting me to pick myself up about it, I still spoke to Jay but never really wanted to go right into it, we both knew it carried massive "what if" threat and for me it was easier to deal with it without him, I guess in a way I felt it was my fault and I felt so guilty just seeing him even though I'd done nothing wrong...I told him we both needed time apart.
Months passed and I met a new guy called Jack, he was someone that just made me laugh, something I hadn't done in a long time and I have always lived my life with humour. *I wasn't interested in a relationship with anyone and when he said that he really liked me I was honest about it from the start and simply said, this is what it is, I don't want anything serious and he just continued to make me feel better. *It wasn't until Jay called me a few days later that I found out he and Jack actually knew each other and didn't actually like each other, I knew that nothing would become of Jack anyway but I kept it as friends out of respect for Jay. *I knew he had questions about Jack and I told him it was nothing serious, it wasn't like he and I were and I didn't want to be with him, Jay is a guy that just gets me, he knows what I'm going to say before I've said it and he knows what I'm thinking and what I want, Jack wasn't and isn't that guy to me.
Jay and I started seeing more and more of each other and this time last year he told me that he'd been offered a new job, over 200 miles away! I don't know if it was the whole uni thing for me but the fact he was considering moving away spoke volumes to me and although he decided to stay my guard came back up, as I felt like my life was crashing down around me even more so when his sister found out she was pregnant and he wouldn't ever really talk to me about it, I tried to understand how hard it was for him, especially as he was still living with her and would feel the wrath of her hormones but I just wanted him to mention it, not keep it out of my life and so I'd have to ask about her rather than be told, I knew he was doing it to protect my feelings but I needed to have that conversation with him. *A few weeks after and nothing had changed I decided that I needed to walk away.
Now no one ever warns you that when you love someone its hard to walk away, especially when I have no reason to hate him, I've tried to move on with my life so many times but I just keep end up going*back to him for one simple reason, I just love him! It's only recently that I've actually said that back to him, he waited two years to hear it because I could never just say "I love you" and now as long as I feel it I'll say it. *I want more than anything to just have a normal relationship with him, one where its just him and I, not everyone and his wife and all the stupid reasons that come with it. *I don't know if I am being naive in thinking that things should just be simple, I love him and he loves me, why are we not together but it's just never the right time, I always have to say "it's complicated" which is true but at the end of the day I don't hate him and I never could. *I know we'd be happy together but I just don't see the bit in-between where Jack isn't a problem, Chris isn't a problem, our miscarriage isn't a problem, trust has never been an issue between us but we're just not as strong as we once were. *I am constantly having days where I feel like I could quit my job, pick my life up and start again somewhere new, go somewhere where no one knows me but for the first time ever I've not wanted to run and it hurts so much that we are not together but I can't sleep for thinking "is it worth it, am I asking too much" it seems every aspect of my life is in limbo at the moment and I just don't know how to deal with it...everything I had the chance of having I took for granted and now I just want it back, but can't! Am I simply asking for too much?
I met this guy (Jay) three years ago and it's been "sort of seeing" ever since. *Our best friends used to date and we met in a club on his best friends birthday that I got dragged out for, I'd met my friends boyfriend before but not his best friend and when I did he took a shine to me and started to chat me up, I've been hurt in the past and I have brothers so I know what sh*ts men can be so I don't generally trust men very easily, Jay however seemed different but not different enough to jump into a relationship with when he asked me within the first week of knowing him, I mean how am I meant to know what I thought within a week?
After getting to know him for a few months he gave me this big speech about how his fallen in love with me and my stupid reaction was to bring my guard back up and I told him that I just wanted to be good friends, I didn't want to put a label on us and I was so scared of getting hurt that I felt like I couldn't let him in and as much as he respected my decision we continued to just be friends. *A few more months went by and we were just getting closer and closer and a close relapse with my ex made me realise how much Jay meant to me, I'd fallen for him in a big way and we started seeing each other as more than friends
I was so happy with the way things were going with him, I'd always been attracted to him but trust is a big thing for me, I was so scared of getting hurt that it took a wake up call to make me bite the bullet and go for it, I've never told him this but I even gave up my uni place on a course because I didn't want to move 250 miles away from him, he meant more to me than anyone ever had.
There was no conventional reason for us then not being together, neither of us lied or cheated, but there was someone else, I was late. *We'd talked about kids before but neither of us had wanted them yet, we were both still young and just weren't ready, I got a referral to have a termination but when it actually came down to it we knew we were making the wrong decision, a few of my friends got caught out young and have children so I knew how hard it was but we just couldn't go through with it...two weeks after that I lost our baby, what I thought was the initial solution was the biggest upset and still to this day the hardest thing I have ever had to go through, I completely shut everyone out and *as much as he tried to be there for me I wouldn't let him, I didn't want to return his calls or texts and I thought I could get away with just putting on my make up and going to work, it didn't solve any of it, it didn't stop me from seeking comfort in Krispy Kreme's and it didn't stop me from breaking down in work.
I eventually really opened up to my close friend Chris that I work with, we've always had banter, his always known about my relationships and although there has always been sexual chemistry there neither of us would ever go there, he is like my male best friend which is why he was so great helping me through it all and getting me to pick myself up about it, I still spoke to Jay but never really wanted to go right into it, we both knew it carried massive "what if" threat and for me it was easier to deal with it without him, I guess in a way I felt it was my fault and I felt so guilty just seeing him even though I'd done nothing wrong...I told him we both needed time apart.
Months passed and I met a new guy called Jack, he was someone that just made me laugh, something I hadn't done in a long time and I have always lived my life with humour. *I wasn't interested in a relationship with anyone and when he said that he really liked me I was honest about it from the start and simply said, this is what it is, I don't want anything serious and he just continued to make me feel better. *It wasn't until Jay called me a few days later that I found out he and Jack actually knew each other and didn't actually like each other, I knew that nothing would become of Jack anyway but I kept it as friends out of respect for Jay. *I knew he had questions about Jack and I told him it was nothing serious, it wasn't like he and I were and I didn't want to be with him, Jay is a guy that just gets me, he knows what I'm going to say before I've said it and he knows what I'm thinking and what I want, Jack wasn't and isn't that guy to me.
Jay and I started seeing more and more of each other and this time last year he told me that he'd been offered a new job, over 200 miles away! I don't know if it was the whole uni thing for me but the fact he was considering moving away spoke volumes to me and although he decided to stay my guard came back up, as I felt like my life was crashing down around me even more so when his sister found out she was pregnant and he wouldn't ever really talk to me about it, I tried to understand how hard it was for him, especially as he was still living with her and would feel the wrath of her hormones but I just wanted him to mention it, not keep it out of my life and so I'd have to ask about her rather than be told, I knew he was doing it to protect my feelings but I needed to have that conversation with him. *A few weeks after and nothing had changed I decided that I needed to walk away.
Now no one ever warns you that when you love someone its hard to walk away, especially when I have no reason to hate him, I've tried to move on with my life so many times but I just keep end up going*back to him for one simple reason, I just love him! It's only recently that I've actually said that back to him, he waited two years to hear it because I could never just say "I love you" and now as long as I feel it I'll say it. *I want more than anything to just have a normal relationship with him, one where its just him and I, not everyone and his wife and all the stupid reasons that come with it. *I don't know if I am being naive in thinking that things should just be simple, I love him and he loves me, why are we not together but it's just never the right time, I always have to say "it's complicated" which is true but at the end of the day I don't hate him and I never could. *I know we'd be happy together but I just don't see the bit in-between where Jack isn't a problem, Chris isn't a problem, our miscarriage isn't a problem, trust has never been an issue between us but we're just not as strong as we once were. *I am constantly having days where I feel like I could quit my job, pick my life up and start again somewhere new, go somewhere where no one knows me but for the first time ever I've not wanted to run and it hurts so much that we are not together but I can't sleep for thinking "is it worth it, am I asking too much" it seems every aspect of my life is in limbo at the moment and I just don't know how to deal with it...everything I had the chance of having I took for granted and now I just want it back, but can't! Am I simply asking for too much?