Thread: Imagine if i wasn't fat

Good morning and what a beautiful morning it is- I have lost 6 lbs (which includes the 3lbs gained last week).

I have finally dropped below 13 stone and reached and passed my first goal.
I do enjoy getting mathematical about losing weight. I have 8 weeks to reach my next goal- 12 stone, so thats 12 lbs- 1.5 a week for the next 8 weeks. Ok that is possible with a good constant weight loss. Fingers crossed.

This morning is also a morning off from the gym- tomorrow is another hard day so I'm resting my legs, without feeling guilty. This decision was taken before I got on the scales so I'm not being fickle because I've lost.

So i am lying in bed typing and listening to radio one, having a nice cup of lemon and ginger tea.

Last night I was trying on some outfits for work and a skirt from last summer is actually really loose on me. On one hand a shame cos its a lovely skirt. On the other hand, I'm losing weight!!!!3 more days of work and then one month off!

My line manager is coming into meet me, I'm wondering if there's news on my contract. If there was good news, she would have told me. So perhaps its not good... Ok i'm ruining my buzz.

My rest day is nearly at an end. Back to circuits tomorrow and a run tomorrow evening- yippee. Kind of missed it, but hopefully my shins will be better!

So i went to visit my new house. (renting not buying before anyone mistakes that, but cna i just say, ppl who move into rented accomodation need a little congrats too- moves are stressful, even without the mortgage)

Anyway, I've softened up more towards the move. It's goign to be a beautiful home, and it has plenty of storage space! I have deided that come tomorrow evening, after my run, I am going to focus completely on it. How fast can i empty a kitchen, a sitting room, 2 bedrooms, a linen cupboard and a laundry? Can i get it done in 2 evenings?If I can get it all out by Thursday evening, my darling mum could come help me clean this one! I want to leave it in pristine condition, a credit to how much I loved living here for 2 years and 5 days.

The new me (the imagine I'm not fat me) is dealing quite well with things right now. I have 2 days at work before 4 weeks off and instead of stressing, I ma being proactive and getting things done, but not compromising healthy eating nor exercise to do this. Also , the 4 weeks i'm taking is annual leave i have to take cos I could be unemplyed in June- yet I am taking this day by day and not allowing the meaning of that to affect who I am. I will deal with it when it comes, adn if it does, I'm hardly the first unemployed person.

Running is a fantastic happy tool.

Here's to never seeing 13 stone or more again!

Tonight I'm in my apartment, probably for the last time.
Most of my stuff barr my bed and my food is in teh new house, where I'm moving (renting not buying but still- big for me)

I feel disconnected, and I am hoping that teh new cheaper place works out for me and at the end I'll have as many great memories as I've had here. Say a prayer for me?

Tomorrow is my last work day before a month off work- wow! cannot wait, adn somehow it doesn't seem long enough. I shouldnt say that tho cos there is a strong chance my contract will end in June, adn tehn its a very very long vacation for me!

I know I ate too much today (part stress, part very hungry) but nothing compared to how I used to overeat. Also, because I concentrated on packing this morning and evening I didn;t exercise and I'm a bit concerned.

But if I wasn't fat I probably wouldnt stress it as much, i'd trust that when I have time next I'd be off running again. im meeting a mate tomorrow for a run, so i should calm down.

I never want to see 13 st again though, so I want to put distance as soon as possible between it and me.

well broadband has been set up at last, and I have time to sit and write. The new place is ok, i prefer my old apartment but 50e extra a week in my pocket sugar coats the pill.

I've trained really hard in the past week, since last monday. I;ve done at least one thing a day, even just yoga on a day before a big run, and my eating has been fab. I feel great healthwise, and with teh help of a very clever little vest i bought in Penneys last night i wore jeans and a vest out- and it actually looked good! Think yesterday adn today was the first time i really felt- !yes i'm losing weight".

I ran the 10k in 64 mins, I timed it myself becuase i invested in a very very good sports watch, and was glad i did as the end line got pretty messed up. I was aiming for under 65 but in my heart i want to do it in under 60. Anyway, my very tall, thin friend did 7 miles today in 65 so i'm not feeling too bad, if she can do that with those legs and her ex army boyf running with her, then I'm happy. That's what i need someone running along side me driving me on. I feel like I don't push myslef hard enough. Also, I wonder, will i be able to get faster simply by losing weight and thus have more power with less fat to run around in?

LAst night i went out with 2 mates, and this morning i left their house at 8, drove home, ate breakfast and went to teh gym for over 2 hours- i think that shows dedication! proud of myself for that. tomorrow is WI and its looking good!

WI day
I have lost 2 lbs. Since the 30th March, I have lost 8lbs. within that 8lbs, i thin I gained twice- so put on a total of 8lbs, losing 16lbs total- madness. I know that the weight i put on came off easily because i dealt with it right away. However, it's fair to admit it was not my greatest month.

It will be interesting to see if I can keep up my healthy last week for teh next 3 weeks that I am off work. I am lying in bed writing this, debating to do a hard fast run today, my legs are tired and I am tempted to take the day off .... am I being lazy or sensible?? I can never tell!

I was planning to go visit a friend for a few days, but I'm not sure I will. Again, its probably laziness, but part of em just wants to stay in my own house and do simple things. I feel so relaxed right now, its amazing, work seems another world away. I got a letter on Friday from my employer saying my contract will run out in 6 weeks, so I have a big phone call to make to my line mananger to double check that the approval we were waiting for has been rejected. I feel scared when i dwell on it. I'm not rolling in money, but my job affords me to ahve a nice life, to enjoy things. the thought of living on under 200e for the next 12 months or whatever fills me with dread, and I am so uncertain about job opportunities- do any exist anymore, and what can I even do??
I would love a sports massage! I'm so proud of myself for spending 2 hours in the gym yesterday, after a night out, but my body does hurt.
Exercise or rest, I cannot decide.

Its nearly 10 am and I am lying in bed.
I had herbal tea and an apple, read a book and am slowly coming to life. I am now 2 weeks into my 4 week time off work. Bliss.

I did circuits yesterday morning, and a 9k run last night, adn today I do feel it. My shoulders, my thighs are heavy, and I have a painful blister on the sole of my foot- probably from so many long runs this past week.

I'm still not sure if I'm taking today off, I may go for a walk later. I know teh next 2 weeks will be hard as I ahve a lot of little trips away, and i will be away from the gym adn my routine.

I can feel my body getting smaller- there is now a noticable drop in the size of my tummy, which is just fantastic. (this has also been helped my a magic vest that pulls in my love handles and makes my jeans and vest look much better!)In about a month or 6 weeks, I know there are things I will be fitting into again, including a red vest that I can wear with my trackie bottoms to the gym that looks class. I should have measured myslef at the beginning to see how many inches I am losing, I'll just have to go on my own perception of it.

As part of my holiday treats, I went to see 3 films in teh past week, Dear John, Blindside and Its A Wonderful Afterlife. And I had a treat at each- flavoured water which I really enjoy,and popcorn- I bought the healhty cheap variety beforehhand and was amazed last night- i brought 2 bags but actually only ate one! (73 calories) . What is surprising these days is actually how little I am eating- not in a strict way but I had no lunch on Tuesday but instead, 3 bags of popcorn at teh cinema (220 cals) rather than both.
Yesterday I had quite a large lunch, did a 9 k run, and just had 2 weetabix when I came in. I am not hungry. I am eating lots of fruit and veg, adn have cut down on coffee as it contributes to my having to go to the toilet which isnt good when I'm running!

I've stopped keeping a food diary- maybe I should start agaan given that my routine is out of whack for the next 2 weeks? May help.

I am starting to forget that I am fat. With so much time thinking and talking about running, from sore shins and calves to speeding up, to running hills, it takes away from teh "Oh I am so fat"thoughts. As well, with so much exercise, I just feel better and healthier.

I wonder will I ever be able to say that i do not need to imagine I'm not fat, that one day maybe I will no longer be fat? Somehow, I think, regardless of my size, I will have "fat" days and "thin" days, and its about making sure to get as many thin days as possible.

Did what happened really just happen??

Boxer boy came around and we talked. We talked about how he does not want a relationship with anyone, I talked about how that was very obvious. We had sex. Good nice sweet sex. But as he said himself "booty call".(We were looking for the proper defination of what this was) It was very much my choice. This guy is a good guy, honest sweet, and actually quite innocent in a lot of ways.

My head is all over the place. I think a lot regardless. This is like petrol on the flames. I knew he did not want a relationship, it is obvious in the nature of our communication. It is mostly me who contacts him, so he is not leading me up the garden path.

It is 2010 and feminism and sexual freedom and expression are part of my culture. Should I be enjoying this? enjoying the body of a very good looking athlete, who enjoys my body and my massive tummy and big thighs....

or should i be running away, shouting how dare you.

Am I selling myself short?
And does this kind of thing, done very discreetly, hurt my reputation in finding "the one"?

Do I regret it? Or is it more that I am conditioned to believe good girls dont do things like that, fat or thin ones?!
Please note: he is the best kisser ever.

Help!(It has however stopped me obsessing about food!)

I texted a male friend. I don't want to tell my female ones. That says a lot doesn't it.He told me I'm overthinking and its only a fling. Simple? Men!

I'm trying to get my head around what I want and what I need.

I feel like I'm not good enough for him. That if I was thinner and sportier, sexier and funnier, then he'd have wanted a relationship. I'm hurt. Yeah I think that's it. I'm hurt.But I did know by letting him into my life in that way, without proper dates and no consistent communication, I knew I would end up hurt. So in the end I only have myself to blame.

He is a lovely guy, genuinely. This is not me sticking up for the man who is hurting me- he is just being honest. Its up to me to decide how I want to be treated

Let me tell you about him, he is about 5 8 I;d say, quite skinny- lighter than me, with very nice muscles- I counted his 6 pack. He has to keep his weight under i think its 10 4 because of teh fighting. He has bad teeth, but a brilliant smile and big eyes. He was a bit of a bad boy but started boxing, and from there he changed. Very dedicated. He gave up being a mechanic to be a self employed window cleaner that allowed him work when he wanted to fund the boxing. He is now on a back to work scheme running his own gym. He wouldn't be very intelligent in the academic sense, is an awfully bad speller. He's very relaxed, down to earth and cute. Pillow fights and rolling about that kind of thing.
He definately is not very sexually motivated- not like a typical man!

I know its time to walk away. Delete his name and number and all old texts. Smile if I see him out, and walk away. For someone who was barely in my life, why am I crying that he won't be in it again. I am so stupid.

Ok well today the focus is fully back on Marathon Training. In 3 weeks, I have a 10k that is all uphill and downhill- sheer hell, so I'm building in hills to my training, adn OMG was it tough today- It wasn't even that steep. I think this kind of running should really help weightloss cos it is more difficult that speed work- I only did 6 k, but it took about 50 mins!

I'm really happy to be back into training, and I'm glad I could take a 5 day break (it was only meant to be 4) and get back into it.

Boxer boy texted last nite. It was nice that he did, just a very simple message saying he hoped I had fun. I am away to an island today (best place for me) where a friend is working for the week- and then I'll probably be going to visit a friend who lives a few hours away, adn before I know it I'll be back at work and back to routine, and I'll think of him less. I know I should stay away, but he is a very hot, very sweet boy!!!!

I went to a lifecoaching thing last night- it was actually a fundraiser for my marathon. I realised that i can not ignore that I am upset and worried about what my future holds (contract may run out in June, or December) . I need to accept this sadness to move past it and learn to accept there are things beyond my control and all my worrying does nothing to help that.

I realised that is why I'm loving the marathon training, It keeps my mind on somehting I can control, something fixed with definate steps. It allows me to lose weight without obsessing over points or calories. I am so grateful that I have it.

Do you all know what you want to be when you grow up? I'm 28 and still clueless

i really enjoyed your diary, i hope you find everything you are looking for in life.
good luck on your journey

On the island, we had sky- imagine!!there I thought we would be cut off from civilisation, and instead we drank wine watching sex and the city all evening.

So now, I am in SATC overload. And I can't help but wonder.....

What if I just pursued a sexual relationship with the boxer? Would it be so wrong? And maybe not just the boxer? Why not?

Can women ever just sh*g and go?

I'm fat and bloated. I have spent 3 days eating and eating and eating and drinking.

I need to cop on. I have a sore throat but its not that bad, I should be forcing myself to the gym. I hate feeling like this.

I cleaned my room, changed my sheets, had a long bath and moisturised- its my way of making me connect with my body. So tomorrow 9 am i will be in the gym for 2 hours. Its my last week off work and I need to make teh most of it. Plus I am determined to at least STS next tuesday.

I am so looking forward to seeing 11 stone somethign one day, and if I stay "good" that can be within 4 weeks. I never want to see 13 st on the scales ever again.

Why do i f8ck things up for myself???

While I haven't overeaten, I definately have eaten too much. I did do 50 mins in the gym today, and a George Clooney lookalike said hello- nice!

I'm trying to work out Boxerboy but I cannot work him out - totally messing with my head. AHHHHHHH

Why can't I find a good man who I can love and who loves me in return!!

love reading your diary hun. Men are confusing at times. i seem to have a guy who is interested in me but im not in him, and the guys i like dont even give me a second look

So totally true Ria.

Last night Football Fella rang me 7 times at 4am. He was definately looking for a booty call, (I have not seen him in like 2 years, actually 3) . I ignored it all. Not because I'm chaste and pure, or some may say "respect" myself (don't quite agree with that, as long as both are consenting adults chosing without pressure)

When drunk, he is selfish in bed, so why bother??

Farmer, a guy who is into me but not vice versa was going with me to teh cinema last night but he had car trouble. I am not using him, he is very well aware I am not interested in a relationship with him, and he genuinely just wants some1 to go the cinema with.

Boxerboy eventually texted, and I tried to seduce him, big fat failure- I just got bored so I am kicking him to the kerb (I hope- the devil makes work for idle thumbs)

And Nosey (trust me he is) I am just ignoring his texts, cos he is so not my type adn I ahve told him that I am not interested.

So what does all this ay about me? Why can't I get one guy who I like and he likes me back??Can it just be because I am fat?

Well I am on my last week of holidays so I am going to train hard! Can i lose half a stone in one week? I am definately 4 lbs on this week!!