Kats cambridge diary - first timer
so I am 38 but I have been told I look much younger, I have always been overweight, which is strange because when I was in my teens my family was struggling and i dont remember us ever having any food, but hey ho, thems the breaks.
I have never had any confidence in myself, this stems back to many things and a very turbulent upbringing. I remember being 12stone and thinking i was so fat, then 14 stone, then 16 stone and so on, I can hardly believe I am over 21 stone, its actually incredible to me, how did this happen??? I'll tell you how it happened, years and years of telling myself i wasnt worth looking after, years of denial about what i look like...its weird because i look in the mirror and think i look ok, then I see a photo of myself and its a massive wake up call.
None of this is helped by the fact that my husband is very fit, marathon runner, slim, good looking etc etc
I know i have a pretty face underneath it all and when i take head shots you wouldnt even know that i have a problem, but just this weekend i was browsing through old family photos, and im in none of them, because i dont like being photoed, so god forbid anything should happen to me, my kids wont have any pics of us all together, this makes me feel like **** and they deserve more than that, its a simple thing but my father passed when i was younger and i only have 2 photos of him, so i guess its kind of a big deal to me.
next is the way I dress. oh my word, i hate everything i own, i dress in fat clothes, i dress like an old lady, im a trendy childlike character, im quite juvenile really which is possibly why its taken me so long to be honest about who i am and the fact that its my responsibility to change myself.
i cant afford the cambridge diet but my mother came to visit me last week and offered to pay for me to have a gastric bypass, which says it all really. i told her about this diet and she offered to pay for me to do it.
last year i lost weight on the atkins and went down to 18stone, and i looked and felt great, then i had to stop due to financial restrictions and piled it all back on because of my relationship with carbs.
today is day 2 and I am doing better today than i was yesterday. i am slightly annoyed because i have to go out for a meal next weekend because last year i won a writing competition and this was my prize to meet with publishers over lunch. i will just have to be very careful about my meal choices but dammit its a michelin star restaurant.
my goals are as follows
starting weight 301lbs (eep)
first goal 252lbs (18 stone) - what i got to last year on atkins
second goal 224lbs (16 stone) what i was when i had my son
third goal 196lbs (14 stone) when i met my OH
fourth goal 168lbs (12 stone) when i was at high school
fifth goal 140lbs (10 stone) dunno???
final goal 130lbs (9st3lbs) within my average weight for my height