Thread: Blonde Logic's Stream of Consciousness/Diary

Hi there BL,
I am so impressed with the way that you have changed your life around, and are facing down your biggest fears and nightmares in such an open and honest manner. You are a true inspiration, and I pray that you will find solace and happiness as you show what a winner you are.

You WILL meet your goals and hopefully heal the old old wounds that are still open and painful.

Keep it up!
Mike

wow, thanks so much Mike....what nice things to say. I appreciate that a lot. Thank you.

Was having a little think today as I was out walking. I realised, I am not always being conscious of "holding my stomach in" any more. And I realised, I have been holding my stomach in for my entire life. If I now try to just relax and let ig go, and stand naturally without any resistence on my ab muscles, it takes me about 3 or 4 goes before I completey let it go. I think I have relaxed, but realise I am still holding it in. I have always been so self conscious of my tum, even as a teen, that I have always held it in.

In recalling why I have done that, even when I was a teen and didn't need too (if only I knew that then, might not be here today). I realised, as a small girl, maybe 5, or 6, my mom used to always shout at me to "hold your stomach in". Now that might sound mean, but I have realised over the past few days, I think I took her comments wrong, at a very early and impressionabl age, and took that to mean I was fat, when that was not what she had meant at all.

As I look back on old photos of me then, I was a skinny little bean. No fat at all really. But I had terrible posture. i would stand, with hands a-kimbo on hips, and arch my back, making my tummy stand out. If she might had said "stand up straight", it would have perhaps been a completely different understanding. So I began holding it in at all times because i felt like I had a fat tummy. And I didn't. Mind games.

If I only knew then what I know now! but at least now, I am learning things I have never thought of.



I have also decided.....there are two other major events in my life beside what I just told you all. One, I have intimated about, is the death of my father. I have never been the same since. And one other deep dark - not as bad as this one, and in the right time, I will talk about it. I have found it really helpful to write these tings and put them out there. So I will sort out a few things in my head, and then disclose them. Purge. And be free of it.

And then I decided, I am going to stop playing the victim. I know there have been a lot of hurts, but everyone has a lot of hurts. And there are many worse off, as there are who have had it easier - but everyone has been through it at some stage or another. (My problam was I had a golden life until I was 33, with the exception of the accident that broke my legs, and the abortions. Everything else came easily and it was bliss. Nice at the time, but did not prepare me for the knocks that lay ahead. And then, it was BAM BAM BAM with one major thing after another over about 7 years without a break. I think that is why I lost my coping abilities. I was overwhelmed with the reality of life really.

So. It's getting to be time to finish with all those dark and heavy matters. They will always be with me, and they are what made me who I am today be it the good or the bad or the ugly - but that makes me, me. They just need to be put in their proper place now. Acknowldeged. Accepted. Archived.

That is my mission. I believe I can finally acheive that too.

I am lightening my load, inside and out.

Hi BL- Only just had chance to catch up on your thread- havnt been on here much lately.
Im so glad that you felt that you were able to confide something like that in us. What a horrible time you went through- im so sorry that you were treating in this way. Sometimes you have to think "whats happened has happened" it doesnt mean that its ever forgot, or indeed accepted, but you can not spend the rest of your life feeling guilty. I think for you that tattoo- in a strange way- will be a sort of closure. There is nothing wrong with feeling guilty- its natural- but you mustnt make this guilt the centre of your life because it will effect everything in it.
I think the councilling is a really good idea- and you know what- you have made so many positive changes to your life lately- you should be proud of how far you have come in the last 10 weeks.
Keep posting- it helps. get it off your chest.
Live for today- not yesterday.
xxxxxxxxxxx
big hugs xxxx

hi Kellie....thanks hon. I agree with a lot of what you said. Thank you.

I agree about my tattoo. Not only is it closure, but it's awakening too. It was finally acknowledging what I had done that inspired the drawing. When I get the tattoo, that will be closure. My badge of courage.

Thanks again, I appreciate your words.

xx

I have just read your first post and then I scrolled down to see how much weight you lost. Well done for your acheivements. Something really hit home to me in your first post and that was about the grief you have carried with you since 1993 with the loss of your Dad, I can really feel your pain here. I lost my little brother in 1993 too, he was 20 months old and at the time I was slim and 15 years old. It wasnt until I was bout 19 years old that I started getting fat and I have been carrying grief around with me too. I just wanted to say I think everything you've said is amazing and I hope that one day, I will be able to call people here my freinds (I've just joined) and will be able to lose some of this weight that surrounds me.

Thank you Lillypop. I am sorry about your little brother. I think when little ones die, it simply means they were just to good for this world. Now he is looking after you. Grief is a horrible thing - theres no training or no preparing for it. Over time, we just get better at hiding the sadness, but it never goes away. Not really.

I have no doubt you will make friends here - this site is magic, realll magic. And you will she d thw eight you have been carrying around as well, as lng as you stay on the program and allow youself to feel the things you need to feel along the way. If you have an "fight or flee" in you, choose the fight side, then you will win!

All best luck to you as you start your journey - I see you had a great result week one - keep it up! You will be a new person this summer!

xx

Thanks Blonde Logic. Its a really great place to get inspiration, I think I've been on here more in the last 2 weeks than watching telly!!!!

Originally Posted by lillypop

I think I've been on here more in the last 2 weeks than watching telly!!!!

I definitely spend more time on here than doing anything else in my life (even work).

Wow Dancing, you have lost LOADSSSSSSSS!! how long has it taken you to lose 80+ lbs?

thanks lillypop - unfortunately it has taken me a little longer than I would have liked but I'm still happy. I started beginning of September. Had a five week break while out of the country and then restarted 11 January. Since my holiday and tasting food again I've struggled to stick to abstinance 100% but I do my best. And in one or two weeks I expect to start slowly reintroducing (the correct) foods. It is only the past two months that have felt like a struggle. Other than that, it was pretty much a breeze for me, apart from a challenging time in my 7th week when I thought I'd never get to the end and just wanted to eat and cook for myself (I didn't though). The time flew by really. And I can't believe I'm approaching the end.

(oh, i lost 5 stone in 100 days!!)

Good luck on your journey lillypop - this site has been my saviour! (sorry for temporary hyjack of your thread BL!)

wow you have done amazing, so has everyone, and Blonde Logic, you've done so well with losing all those inches too!!

Originally Posted by lillypop

Blue Logic

he he - 'tis blonde logic but you never know she may go for a blue rinse???!

I'm so sorry!!! my fingers keep typing wrong words! I blame it on the water :P ;-)

Well, week 12, and it's been an emotional one.

When the news from my doctor about OsteoAsrthritis and my neck and all finally sank in on Tuesday, it appears to have hit me pretty hard. There have been more then a few tears this week. I have left work early a couple od days. And last night nearly passed out because I had the codenine on an empty stomach. I really felt like the wind was knocked out of me.

I don't know if that is how I should be feeling, or if my emotions are all on the surface throughout this diet, easily disturbed.

When it all came pouring out was when I spoke to one of my best friends back home the other night. I do know part of it is from holding back tears for 11 months waiting for a resolution. I am pretty good at hiding my pain. But all those 11 months I thought I knew that there would be an end to it. Being told there really isn't....not a definitive one anyway....well, 11 months worth of pain sprung itself.

I know I will get it sorted, or manageable - more manageable anyway, somehow. I just need to find the right combination of treatment. So I will learn to live with it. It just caught me so unaware.

There is one very bright point to mention and for me to remember......not once did I even think or consider eating anything.

As a result - I really felt and understood my tears. It has been a long time since I cried like I did with my mate Judy - its a whole different feeling when you don't stiffle them with food.

I'm proud of that.



[just want to say thanks again for PM's and information/advice/experiences with OA....its been helpful ]