Blonde Logic's Stream of Consciousness/Diary

[Blonde Logic]

Day 39

Insecurity.

Today I needed reassurance, and I asked for it here. I find, over the past 8 or 10 years I have developed a strong need for reassurance. Recognition. Or is it validation? Or appreciation? Or all of those? I'm not sure, but I do know my need for these things often leaves me dissappointed.

I don't particularly like this about myself - I see it as a weakness. I believe this is related to something other then food, though food does play a part in it.

A direct result of my first marraige, left me, oh, how shall I say....lacking an interest in physical intmacy. I craved emotional intimacy. But was not interested in the other side of it. The last 7 years of my marraige, I lived with my husband as roomates live with each other. Nothing more then friends under the same roof, so I got used to the lack of it I suppose. Then when a medical concern required me to have a hysterectomy at age 33, with no children, that even increased me apathy as I my body was forced into menopause, instantly overnight, with no time to adjust or adapt to the massive change in hormone levels and emotions. Five months later with the death of my father, everything within me seemed to just sort of deflate and dissapate.

This is hard getting my thoughts out tonight - I am struggling to explain myself and not finding words easily. Its all very muddled up.

Here...a couple of examples might help....because I feel I cannot show or give love anymore, I pour that love in to other things. My art. My music. My cooking. Anything creative, I pour myself in to. I have made things out of clay, in times of desperation, that several actually contain my tears which rolled off my cheeks as I worked the clay. My music that I write and play n my guitar...only comes from within...adn therefore is an expression of myself and my thoughts at the time I write it. I pour myself in to my paintings....wanting so much for the finished peice to bring a sense of pleasure to whoever looks at it. I pour myself in to these things, because I know no other way to show love now.

When those closest to me, usually the man in my life...now my husband....if they do not acknowlege what I have done, with praise and appreciation, I feel as if they do not want to receive my love or that they don't love me. It is just the man in my life really. I do get ALL these things from my friends...particulary my best girl friends. And my mothers,etc. And it does make me feel good, but what I really want is this from my partner...the one I feel needs to know and apprecaite me the most.

This is maybe making my husband sound bad, lol, and he is not...he's a wonderful, loving man....it is me, my problem....and I just wish I understood it more.... based by my inability to get this out of my head on to paper, just proves to me this is an area I need to look at.

This need for praise must somehow be to me, confirmation they they, the 'man in my life' (past and present) love and accept me. Even though they have shown it and do show it today in different ways - it is still a NEED I have.

Oh forget it. I just can't get it straight. Does anyone make heads or tails of this? I am feeling really confused right now.

 

[Blonde Logic]

Wow - I haven't written here in awhile, and I am not sure why. I have been busy, both at work and at home and have had laptop problems. But I am sort of in a phase where I am not thinking about a whole lot, just sort of cruising along, happily. I guess that is OK?

There have been a few things that I have been thinking about late lately. JUst not sure what is going on really.

I was thinking the other day about regrets. I don't have many - but I do have more then I wished.

One thing that I have been beating myself up for for the past couple of years is the accident I had when I was 19. It was a time in my life when I wanted to spread my wings and claim my own life. I wanted to move out - I wanted a relationship, all sorts. It was an exciting time.

There was a boy I was head over heels for. Eddie. He was part of our circle of friends. ANd he was adorable. ALL the girls fancied him. He was nice, charming, gorgeous and dead sexy. I secretly had a crush on him. But he was going out with a beautiful tall slim leggy blonde. I knew I had no chance! I was just plain old fat BL.

But after several months, he and she split up. During those months he and I got to kow each other better. And when he showed an interest in me, and once the shock and disbalief passed, I was on cloud 9! Me! He was choosing ME!! Someone like HIM chose me! And I did was most girls that had low self esteem did when someone showed them ineterest - I just fell madly in love with him! As a 19 year old knows love anyway!

Well, after a time, I was where the tall leggy blonde had been - I was being cast aside for his next conquest. Not conquest - he wasn't really like that - but he knew he could have just about anyone and was only 23 himself and was keen to enjoy the buffet of ladies who would quite happily fill my shoes, if only for a short time. Just like I was happy to fill the blondes.

But I took it hard. It was my first heartbreak. Of course, I thought it was because I was fat. (I wasn't - but I thought I was). What other reason would it be? I got very depressed - spent weeks and months crying and pining for him, wishing I were a tall leggy blonde, then he would want me. I felt horrible about myself, and spent days dreaming of getting back with him. :cry:

Some time after we split up, the gang all went out to the lake we partied at. Me and my friend Cyndi wanted to go, but were terrified to be seen in a swimsuit. SO we went saying we accidentily left our bags with our suits at home, but we would just sit on the side of the lake and enjoy the day. Everyone else was running around in their shorts and bikinis and I just felt horrible about myself. I envied all the other girls so much.

It was a very very hot day, and as kids are prone to do - we snuck a few bottles of booze, a few spliffs and a few other things along for the day. It got so hot, and we were a bit tipsy, me and Cyndi decided sod it - we'll swim in our jeans. So we did. We were roasting and the heat intensified the booze, et al., a cool dip would help sort us out. No one seemed to notice too much, but I still felt disgusting, and felt that only brought more attention to how awful looking I was and what a loser I was. And to top it off, Eddie was there with his new girlfriend. A cute, perkly little petite brunette bouncing around in her bikini.

On the way home, we crossed a bridge. This bridge:

(sorry it is so big, I do not know how to resize)


As you can see by the ridiculous signs, this is a recent photo and not the 70s!! LOL But it was and still is a major partying point for kids, boaters, etc. It is like spring break every single weekend - then and still.

We had to cross it on the way home, and a few of the guys decided to stop, and they were going to jump off the bridge, which is what was done by the brave.

Eddie got out of their car to watch. And me, with my completely twisted thinking thought if I jumped, I would get Eddies attention, and then he would see what a fun wild chick I was and he would get interested in me again.

So. I went out with the guys, and I looked down the 40-50 feet to the water, and the Bacardi 151 we drank told me it was quite doable and not to be afraid, and to enjoy the experience. Bloody dutch courage. lol So, a few guys lept off, in their shorts. And I climbed over the railing, in my heavy wet jeans that hid the supposedly horrible body of mine, and I held my breath, and jumped.

Things might have gone better if I weren't wearing jeans. But when I hit the water 50 feet below (the lake was much lower then as we had had two years of drought), the water rushed up the legs of my jeans, and the current of the water decided where my legs would go by pulling at the legs of the jeans in all different directions, just as it does your hand if you left it trail behind you in water, or a pool, etc., only incredibly magnified from the speed of such a high fall. The outcome was, it broke both of my knees and blew them out completey destroying all but one ligament on the outside. It absolutely ripped them apart. As evidenced by the fact they spun in a circle and could be bent backwards.

The next two years were spent in and out of hospital for intense micro-surgery, trying to rebuild my knees, and to re-pin the bit of bone that broke off my femur. I think I had 7 ops over that time. After two years, and finally seeing a specialist professional sports medicine surgeon, they got them stable. But never ever were they the same. That would have been a lot to ask of them after the amount of damage I did.

AFter the jump, I spent weeks in hospital, waiting for Eddie to come see me. He never came, and of course, I just knew that was because I was fat. And my heart still hurt.

Since 1979 when I did this stupid (though I have to admit it was an incredible amazing adrenaline rushing moment and experience - at the time - before the pain hit!) this stupid thing I had done has plagued me daily, in one way or another since 20 July 1979. They have ached, buckled, twisted, given out, swollen, locked - you name it - they have done it. One is still numb. I have never been able to kneel again. It has restricted me from doing a lot of things, mostly in the last 5 -10 years, as they began to wear away and the weight piled on.

All this - all this damage I did to myself because I had such a twisted self image of myself that I would not wear a swimsuit in front of others. I was a blumin kid for chrissakes - it should not have mattered that much! Had I been in a swimsuit and not jeans, the surgeon believed I would have been just fine.

So a warped self image, one completely inaccurate, caused me to spend 26 years dealing with two bum knees, that now need to be replaces, and impacted my life in so very many ways its not even funny! Even as I type, I can feel them.

How sad is that? See how much damage we can cause us with our crooked thinking and negative chatter!

As an adult, I often think a lot about this and wonder, was I actually trying to hurt myself because I felt so bad about myself? Or was I really just trying to get the affections of someone who was not interested in me using extreme measures? I don't think I will ever know the answer to that 100%.

I am angry - not dwelling on it - but angry at myself, that one event changed my life stupidly and unecissarily - and there is not a darn thing I can do about it. If I could go back in time, I would march out on to that bridge, pull myself back and give me a good almighty wake-up slap across my face!

This just drives home to me how powerful negative chatter can be. How if we do not change it, and if we listen to it and believe it, it can do serious harm, not only mentally but physically as well. It's bad enough to have mental scars, but to deal with physical ones is quite depressing at times. Will always be a reminder.

I, today, vow, never to allow myself to not put value on me, as a person, etc. No matter what shape or size I am - I am worth something. And I will look after and love myself.

 

[Blonde Logic]

On a brighter side of life....I have found msyelf the last few wekks feeling so positively hapy and hopeful and excited, that if I could bottle it I would be a rich woman!

I sound different to me. When I say to myself, "I know I will hit goal."...I absolutely know I will. There is no question mark at the end of the statement as there has been in the past. It is definately a full stop. It is a fact. I have never had this kind of conviction, but I know I can and will do it, and that is a very empowering feeling.

As I am now starting to get comments from people, when they comment, instead of feeling ashamed that I was even fat to begin with, I am simply happliy saying "thank you!". That is a good thing. I don;t care who sees me as I am "today" because I know "tomorrow" I will be even lighter. ANd so on.

Its great feeling this way. And I am only slighlty past the halfway mark. Just think how much better it is going to get.

Thanks to all of you for your support and friendship - without both I am sure this would be much more difficult.

And to those of you that peek in and read my diary, thank you for listening to my drivel. I hope in some way, it can help. It really does help to put it out there. I am hoping it leads me to disclose a couple of events that I know are the real roots of my problems. Or issues. My weight. Whatever you want to call them.

xx

 

[x-Katie-x]

Firstly I've got to say - ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch!!!! My legs were bouncing as I was reading that! Amazing what a couple of moments can do to the rest of your life - but I've got to say that it's the age old alcohol that's primarily the problem in this, like the advert on tv where the kid thinks he can climb and get something off the scaffolding, booze makes us feel braver, stronger and we're not - in fact we're more vulnerable when we've got the booze inside us.

As for Eddie and how you felt about him - well that's the whole young and in love .... I'm sure he swapped one girl for another for another ...... you should be happy in the memory that at least you got the boy - most of us just got the unrequited love!

You're a very brave, strong and wise lady and it's likely that these strengths of yours are because of the trials and tribulations of body and mind that have happened in the past, you're the sum of the parts - and though I do totally wish that you hadn't had to suffer at all, I am happy that we have the woman that you are today. You accept those compliments, they're well earned xx

 

[Blonde Logic]

Thank you Katie.....thanks for your very kind words.

Aside form the leg bits, I do look back and see myself - such a young heartsick puppy! Makes me giggle now of course, looking back on how I carried on about Eddie!! I have nothing but fond memories of him and the whole experience - minus the legs of course!!

I do feel as you say, things that have happened, good and bad are what make us who we are in our every present.

I did learn one thing about myself through all that - I can take a great deal of pain. Once the booze wore off, it was excutiating pain, not like anything ever experienced befopre and hope not to again (touch wood!) - but even with all that pain, I still went to work the next day! I dragged myself in on a pair of walking crutches my brother once used - I was a state! lol I worked in a doctors office, which was convenient, and was dragged immediately upstairs to the orthos's office which is when I learned what I did and was under the knife within hours! Talk about shocked! !!

Shame I didn;t have babies - I'd have been a pro!

Thanks hon - your compliments mean an awful lot.

xx

 

[ladylite]

Do you know what BL, I think you needed that, you needed to grieve for your poor knees.

I think you did well to get all that out and I hope it made you feel better

 

[Blonde Logic]

Thanks Lady. It just really does get to me some days when I bimble around with wonky legs - just thinking that if I had felt better about myself and had a true concept of what i looked like, I would not have done that too myself! GRRRRR. I'd kick myself if I could but they don;t even do that well!!

 

[Blonde Logic]

Note to self: Remember this feeling of happiness, always. It is proof positive, you are doing the right thing, and not only that, are going to do it. For good. Once and for all. This is the last diet you will ever be on.

And you have learned, by giving up food for 63 days so far - something you were terrified of doing, never believed you possibly could, that you can do ANYTHING you put your mind to.

Being a LOSER, means you are a WINNER.

 

[ladylite]

Go girl go.

 

[Blonde Logic]

Well. Here goes. As I said, I need help with a big issue for me. This is very very scary. It’s something that is near impossible for me to say out loud, and finding saying it here is not much easier. I am sorry this is so long. There is no way to tell it breifly.

But I am stuck. I am stuck being unable to forgive myself, about something that took place over 20 years ago. So it is my hopes that putting my cards on the table here will help in some way. I wanted to talk in group but can’t do it. It’s just far too personal. And that’s tough here too – and I am sorry if I upset anyone – but if I do, you will see I don’t take it lightly...I just need help or advice.

Just a wee bit of background, as there are a few things need knowing for it to make sense. So bear with me...

I really married my first husband because of the way I felt about myself at the time, I thought I better take it, might be the only offer I get....but if I am honest, I was not IN love. But we were great friends. Solid.

We dated for three years, and never really discussed children, but when we did, it was not something he wanted to do. He had Tourettes Syndrome (which is a saga in its self) and he did not want to pass it genetically.
Before we were married, he made a confession to me that he had a daughter whom he had never met or even seen. It was mutually agreed upon between him and his ex girlfriend that he would stay out of the picture as the woman planned on marrying someone else and it would be too confusing to the baby. They were young; he was in the air force. So he kept his promise and never contacted them. But he wanted me to know in case 18 years later there was a knock on the door. Fair enough. It was a bit of a bitter pill. Here was this woman who got to have one – but we couldn’t. But I guess I accepted it.

About a year before our wedding, or maybe less – timelines a bit cloudy after all these years – but it was about 1984. Things were going good, and we were excited about the wedding. We were pretty happy. And I noticed something – I was feeling odd, different, and then I missed my period. I was shocked/surprised/scared, etc., so I went to the doc and found out , I was indeed pregnant.

I didn’t say anything right away – it was my happy little secret – for three weeks. I was really happy. I’d pat my tummy and rub my tummy at night - it felt like a very special time. And I hoped and prayed that when I told him , as we had changed a lot in those 3 years – maybe he would now want to start a family. So I was bursting at the possibilities that lay ahead.
But when I told him, well, my bubble burst. No. A resounding No. No way. Uh huh. Never. He would not consider it – he stood his ground and said he could not take a chance passing on Tourrettes. No matter what argument or suggestion I had, he said no, and I was slowly beaten down. And with a very heavy heavy heart, I was too “terminate” the pregnancy. (terminate. How does that sound any nicer the abortion?) .

Arrangements were made, and it was the most awful soul destroying thing I have ever done, and thats all I will say about that.

After, he took me home, and dropped me at the door. He then told me he was going to work, and he left me there, alone, no one to talk to or comfort me. I couldn’t tell anyone. I felt so ashamed. So not even a girlfriend to talk to about it.

And it was never, ever mentioned again. Not that night. The next day..not at all. Not even an “Are you OK?” when he got in from work. He just wondered if there was anything for dinner.

Life resumed and eventually I guess we got back to “normal”. I didn’t know what normal was anymore. We got married. And got on with our new life. Two or three years into it and we were pretty happy at that stage.

<sigh> And then, I started feeling different. For a few weeks. And I had a horrible sinking feeling I knew what it was. So I went to the chemist and bought a test. And one rainy morning, I got out of bed and did the test. And then I crawled back in bed, and cried. I was pregnant again. I knew there would be no happy secrets. No happy tummy patting. I knew what was going to happen. I knew because of the Tourettes, exactly what the outcome would be.

And it was. More soul destroyed. More silence. Again – no comfort – no discussion. Only the beginning of a very wide wedge in the marriage.
We carried on again with life. But we weren’t the same. Well, I wasn’t anyway.

In 1993, when I was 33, my birth mother who gave me up for adoption at birth located me through the agency. She had important medical info that I must have. So I received the information, not knowing what to expect. Loads of documents and videos. Turned out I was at a very high risk of ovarian cancer. I began seeing specialists and having all sorts of tests. The popular opinion was I should have a total hysterectomy. The risk appeared to be that high. It was 50-50. One out of two.

As we weren’t having children, there didn’t seem much point in taking risks. So I had the surgery and at 33 was forced into menopause. That was in July. That December my died of Prostate Cancer surgery complications. That year was certainly the end of my life as I had known it. The beginning of the end, and in another year or so, I left my husband as there was nothing left there. The marriage was gone. That was in 1997 that I left, 13 years after the first abortion.

They say you can only bury things for so long. Last year, the two abortions made their way out of where I had buried them, under all that food, and slapped me in the face. And for the first time since I had them, I grieved. I was filled with guilt, regret, shame, grief, remorse.....just so many heavy emotions. It was a very scary time for me – I couldn’t stop crying. I would sit in the stalls in the loo at work and cry. I would cry whenever I saw a baby. I hated myself. I hated that my husband now and I could not have children now.

After weeks of this, I knew I had to contact my ex, and close that chapter with some feedback. So I wrote him. He had recently remarried, and had moved to New Mexico and met his now 22 year old daughter and was happy as a clam in his new little family – new wife, daughter, grand kids. I was happy for him. Until it came out that the real reason he did not want to have children was because he didn’t think it would have been fair to the daughter he did not know and never knew if he would know. He did not think it was fair to HER. Sod me. So he used the excuse of Tourettes. He led me to believe we would never had kids because of Tourrettes – and that is what I based my decision to have the hysterectomy on. He let me have two abortions based on a lie. He took away my choice and my chances. I felt robbed, and worthless. Still do at times. Couldn’t believe that I meant that little to him that he could so selfishly do that to me.

Well. The world spun. After it stopped, I did have my say by way of letter. But it didn’t really make me feel any better, and his apology was not really enough to change things. This threw me into quite a depression. I feel I have really missed out on something – and I would have been a good mom. And I will never know what that’s like, which does cause a lot of sadness. And I am plagued with thoughts, wondering what the tow babies would have been like now. They would be 22 and 24. And I deprived them life. I can’t help but feel that way. Its a horrible horrible feeling.
The final klunker in this tale, is that my birth mother has now been able to have a DNA test, which was not available to her in 1993, and in a sad ironic twist – she does not have the gene, and I was not, and am not at risk. I was the other 50%. I was the other one.

This has played quite a number on my head. I just blocked it out of my mind for so long, than such an overwhelming feeling of guilt and regret. It weighs on me most days. Though being a clever chameleon, I can mask my feelings. And stuff them. Which is what I did, and what I mustn’t do again.

So much guilt. I was adopted. How can someone who was given a chance – someone who COULD have been aborted – HOW could I do that. TWICE!!???

I need help, to forgive myself. I really believe I need to do that, and I can’t. I have not been able to. And I feel if I don’t I will forever stay in this rut.

I don’t know what to do.

 

[x-Katie-x]

7am when I'm legging out the door is prob not the best time for me to respond to this as I don't have the time to fully justify it. However, I wanted to write something just in case you do an early morning log in ....

Firstly I really wish you were here with me so that I could give you such a big hug, I really think you need one.

I can understand your looking back on that time with such sadness, you were living in and living to a series of events and realities but you should not look on it with such guilt.... you shouldn't feel the guilt in the way that you do. You had the abortions in your mind so that a baby would not suffer from an illness and because that is what you were fed by your husband - not because you didn't want the baby yourself ...... you were a victim in this and you have to accept that - you should feel bad, but you should be feeling bad for yourself and your babies not bad at yourself.

Your husband did an awful thing putting you through that, if it were today and you were the woman you are now then there's a chance you wouldn't agree to it - I know that 20 years ago I definitely wasn't as strong a person as I am now, to be honest I don't think many women were and they did suffer at the hands and minds of men and you suffered along with them.

I do believe it is time for you to let go of the guilt, I think you need to but I've got to be honest and say that I don't actually know how you can go about that .... perhaps just thinking good of yourself would be a start.

Your new marriage and your not missing intimacy are other ways in which the trauma of the past are still having an effect on you ...... you have withdrawn from the acts that were the onset of the pain - you really should look at this for both of you. Could you speak to your GP - ask to be referred to a Counselling Service, I used to work in one (not as a counsellor) and they are so helpful to people, it may be something you could consider.

I'm sending you big loves, cuddles and squeezes now and I hope that you feel better if only for writing it all down xx

 

[Blonde Logic]

Your new marriage and your not missing intimacy are other ways in which the trauma of the past are still having an effect on you ...... you have withdrawn from the acts that were the onset of the pain

I never thought of that Katie. I really have a such a low interest in that, for so long. I never associated it might stem from that.

Thanks for replying. I may need to talk to a pro. I can easily forgive others but am finding it difficult to forgive myself - so perhaps they can teach me how. I am not very good at all that psycho babble. never feel I am doing it right - but it might be good to give it a go.

Thank you hon ((((hugs)))

 

[Blonde Logic]

Dancing, thank you for the PM and link. Very useful. xx

 

[ladylite]

Only just read you post:tear_drop: sooo busy at work. Big hugs and I will pm later.

You know you are a much loved person

 

[toller-girl]

Wish I had some words to take your pain away. I can't even imagine how you must be feeling, or how it's been carrying that burden around for such a long time.

I think getting some private counselling is a good idea. I don't know how you learn to forgive yourself, forgiving others IS so much easier isn't it?

I think it's good that you now feel ready to let go of this, but with such a traumatic experience, you might need proper help with that.

 

[Blonde Logic]

I have considered counseling, yes, but again it is one of those things I never fell I know how to do right, and therefore feel like I just say "yes I am fine" because I feel I am supposed to be - but nothing every really sorted. lol I may still look in to that.

At the time when all this surfaced, I did some art as therapy, which is my release of choice. I started a drawing, of two butterflies to take my mind of it. Pretty soon, the butterflies took on significant meaning as you can imagine, and "guardina faeries" were added. I then knew, I was
designing a tattoo, and get this tattoo as my way of acknowledging them - that they were something. I just knew I had to have that with me forever. That did bring some comfort. It was a work in progress. But it became such a - a journey - drawing it. I went through a great many emotions, about the 2 pregnancy's, my dad's death, all sorts. I have yet to have it tattooed - I have not met an artist yet that I want to do it , but thought I would share with you the design.

I am getting it on my back on my shoulder blade, with one fairy peeking out up the top of my sholder, and the one laying down will peek out just at the back of my arm. It is on A4 paper to give you the idea of size. I know once I have that, it is going to mean a lot. And it will be with me always. Just acknowledging and honouring them, and what they might have been. And that they were something - they were real. And they are missed.


Thanks everyone. It was really scary posting that, but your nice comments and PM's mean so much, and do help.

Thank you.

XX

 

[minilady]

It's gorgeous BL :hug99:


Tracey
x

 

[Corey]

It's beautiful! I keep thinking about getting another one - but OH won't let me have what I want!! That's the stars and stripes with the wording "Proud to be an American" around it. Such a spoil sport!

 

[Greenockgal]

BL, that is a truly beautiful piece of art, made my cry as soon as I saw it. I have some tatt's but didn't have them done down here, but I know someone who has had a few done, if you like, I can ask him if they do commissions?

xxxx

 

[Dom1979]

I'm glad you managed to get that out BL, I can tell by reading that, that it was very very hard for you to write.

One day, you will be able to forgive yourself. As others have suggested, maybe counselling might be a good idea now. You are doing something so amazing for yourself by doing LL, it's your time! Maybe you'll be able to give yourself permission to talk and get it all out. You have every reason to feel incredibly bloody angry for what your ex-husband did. There are no right or wrong feelings though, just feelings.

Being on LL is really difficult when feelings and memories like these come up - you can't push them down by eating, and all you have left is to feel them. Which can be really really difficult and painful and raw. You've made the first step by acknowledging these feelings, but maybe the next step would be to examine them in a space that is just for you. For me, this was always what counselling was about, I had it when I was younger due to a bereavement and some really tough times after that, and sometimes I would just go and cry for an hour, and that was 100% OK.

On a different note (and hopefully changing the subject doesn't come across as too flippant at this point, but hopefully not), that tattoo is beautiful. I know of a tattoo artist studio here in Brighton, that is just fantastic, and that you may feel would do it justice. I've put the link below, i think there is a portfolio of each artist on the site.

Templetatu.com - Friendly Tattoo emporium in the heart of Brighton

Lots of love D x