yes i belong to a group called writewell in kingslynn but i will be honest i not been the last two times, i dont know why cos once i get there i really enjoy it i really do but perhaps it was the period over christmas when i was at my lowest and i am slowly crawling myself back out of the pit again tomorrow am going out with my bridgeworker again he is from mind and great tommorrow am planning to go in my local store on my own but dont laugh i have a thing about change i dont do odd money like if my change is 99p i have to ask for it like this .... 4x20p 2x5p 4x2p and ask them to keep the 1penny ... i know am werid but i try not to hurt anyone if i can't cope i tend to cry but hay crying is good works some facial musles laughs.
am dyslixic and taught myself to write so my grammer isn't very good and the doors opened for me when i got a pc.
i post this for you to read and others it was my first time i was left in a cafe on my own my bridgework and too a few months to get to this point.
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Misplaced in my own diminutive environment erecting invisible barriers around the insubstantial cocoon form, although I sat unaided within the ambiances walls littered with gaudy artwork of unknown artists which at times appeared to leer out at me. Trying to shove me deeper within the isolation of safety I so sought.
Invisible barriers erecting and for moments disappear only to re-erect no one could see constructing frames of bars and flashing lights that mulled around me sending out silent warnings of danger if anyone came too close.
What would they think if they could see them and would it really matter if they could as I perched on the edge of the seat ready to scurry if anyone came too close to the imagery fortification wrapped around holding me safely within.
Every now and then the aroma of the freshly infusion of coffee coasted within the air assaulting the nasals passages while the muscles contorted fluttering consuming it within. The tip of the pink muscle flesh rose and snaked out from parted tiers before slithering over the dusky pink pillow leaving a glossy coating of saliva within its moisten awakening, arousing the dozing taste buds as I swallowing becoming more aware of the thirst rising within begging for some warming nectar to satisfy the inner thirst.
Fingers coiled around the handle of a white handled mug another aroma flood my space one of the peppermint tea drifting within the air while I lifted the bulky vessel up. Eyes stretch wide and gazed over the surface taking note of the light olive coloured fluid moving as it swirls about.
Breathing in deeply the chest expand, nostrils flutter savouring the delicate fragrance, eyes closing then the slight heart flutter while the lower lip curving around the smooth rim uniting them together. The other hand rose and cupped it letting a finger lightly tap the outer shell relaxing within the senseless melody until a sound drew me away.
My body came tense once more by the sounds around me growing louder drawing me away from the thoughts whirling around in my mind, body become rigid although barrier erects stronger encasing me into the invisible walls stronger than before as I lowered the mug down and started to focus on the keyboard enabling my fingers to tap away writing anything I could think of to escape again.
Bustling of the attending staff serving the ceaseless torrent ream of consumers drifting in and out of the open doorway milling around similar to confused ants once they have retrieved there abundance of treasure with upmost imperativeness back to the nest where they seek out there prized table and chair to consume there acquisitions with a hungriness of a third world child.
At times it appeared that the staff would without uncertainly get a break that morning, a sedative lull came over the partly emptied café as thought the parting of the waves had taken place permitting the staff amble freedom to saunter around at much tranquil pace it was then I heard a toddler. Tilting my head towards where the sound was coming from it wasn’t the bubble of gobbledygook that caught my attention that left her lips but the soft docile tone of just two words.
‘O dear’
Her petite hands rose and seemed to dither in the air as her cinnamon colour curly tresses bounced while she seemed to animate her movements causing a smile to ripple upon the tiers of my lips before she fell into a complex of baby talk trying to get her mum and dads attention while they conversed with each other ignoring her for a moment as she gave her own opinion on what they were talking about as her voice level rose until they acknowledge her then her tone fell like a swopping gull as she reached for her drink banging the small carton of juice upon the table with a gustier of laughter spilling from her bow shaped lips as her mother placed a finger upon her own hushing her as she shook her head playfully.
The walls around me still there but the sounds where evading, unwelcome sounds of laughter breaking through, movements off others caught within the vision of my bewilder eyes trying to make sure no one came close. A knots tightens in my belly as another mother arrives heavy laden with buggy but hidden within a newly born baby I didn’t see the toddler holding on to the frame until she peeked out from behind her mother coat that partly hid her from my view, the Mother paused unsure where to sit as she dithers there looking at the few empty tables for the best one for her and her children. I was praying so hard ‘not near me, please not near me, please I do anything thing’ I kept repeating in my mind.
A staff member trundled over with their tray asking where she would like to sit before the mother could responded the little girl bounced up on to the bench seat near me, the mother was freeing and reached down only to lift the baby out and cradles her within her arm making a few cooing sounds slightly rocking the bane within.
‘Here please and thank you.’
Nodding to the server to place the tray upon the table before she settled next to her other child, she calmed settled and as they sort themselves out my eyes drifted back to the other little girl watching her intently while her father played with a piece of copper coloured foil covering the tip of his finger then his daughters showing her what to do with it tapping the table top in time with her father before lifting it up and kissing it offering the kiss to her dad who pressed his covered fingertip against hers.
I kept watching her amused how a simple piece of tin foil become so many things at the moment she made her finger appear like a little puppet moving it in the air squealing happily her dad and mum rose slowly preparing themselves to get ready to leave, the little girl was lowered from the highchair she dances around pausing for a moment as she notices two elderly women observing her. She wriggled her finger at them, their faces light up and soft voices rose giving the little girl the attention she so desperately seeks. She talked away so fast telling them all about her puppet she seem lost involved entering the ladies before her daddy scooped her up and placed her in the rather trendy three wheeled buggy.
He squatted down and placed the straps around her to keep her safe within before rising, wrapping his hands around the handles as he began to pushed it outside the little girl waved the cover finger about lifting it high above her head as she started to sing twinkle, twinkle little star her voice fading as they move in a family unit to the on sault of the external world waiting to assault them as they mingle in the crowds of unknown faces before they disappeared.
My eyes looked down at the keyboard my fingers had been typing to Bart letting him know what was going on around me as he helped me keep sane via the internet.
He typed ‘15mins then Chris will come and stop picking at your hand’.
I typed nervously back, ‘Are you here’? Looking around and peeked under the table.
‘No but I know you’ he typed back.
Omg he knows me so well letting out a soft sigh and stopped fiddling with my hand letting the finger tips brushed over the key pads trying to stop myself from hurting my hand even more.
I looked at the clock on the pc and typed, ‘He won’t forget me will he?’
A message flashed up ‘no’.
I could feel the panic rising as the time slowly ticked by was like the longest fifteen minutes I had to endure.
‘Thank you and I love you’ I typed back. Sucking on my lower lip for a moment before allowing uncertain feelings to arise again anxiety and fear just two of ugly monsters that haunt and stalk looking for that little glimmer of a spark to reignite, which never seemed to fade away but always consuming my mind as lost unwelcome friends.
An irritable sound invaded my ears for a while it was darn toy the child near me was playing with but could I complain as it kept her amused? It was then I had understood for a nearly an twenty minutes I had closed down and forgot the other child taking a momentary glance I looked at her as she chatted away to her mummy.
My face may tell another story but underneath I have so many questions and thoughts running around in the abyss of my mind some are so vibrate some are so dim, however if I was asked to describe my mind I would perhaps say its comparable to a candle glowing giving of a soft radiant luminosity inviting the moths flying around on the outer fringe until just one is baited and drawn to the flame causing me to think, think about what? I couldn’t say not at this moment then without warning it erupts filling my mind until it can be answer the burning need within.
Why is it with children that they look so angelic mass of curls that framed there cute faces are not so angelic within their own personalities? Her eyes trusting tinted dark chocolate brown lit with excitement as she held up the toy to her mother who was nursing the contented baby, the mother smiled and called her by name.
‘Isabella is that Kathy’?
I couldn’t remember her reply as I thought about her name then looked at her again then the image of ‘Shirley Temple’ rose before the song ‘the good ship lolly pop’ began to play making me remember of days gone pass when I was so innocent unaware of as child so protected by the ones who love us no matter what we did. The children glanced towards me giving me a smile before hiding her face into her mother’s torso before peeking back at me pretending to be coy. Her mother spoke to her and she then showed me what she held unaware that Chris was now at my table.
It was only a few seconds but it could have been hours before I heard him pulling me out of the walls I had built, feeling them slowly crumble around me. The tension that had flood my body began to seep out and fade into the structures around me, the pictures became recognisable and not blurs even the people in the far end of the café became more focal noticing the two men who was still sitting at a nearby table who been there before I had arrived.
The noise within the café had rose a few decibels men’s, women’s and children each group conversing rose each time they conversed making me feel uncomfortable wanting to go, wanting to go to the safety of my home. I felt exasperated drained but I put on a front as Chris established himself within the chair.
My mouth dried as I hid my hands beneath the table wringing my fingers breaking the weave within the spindles they had created while I felt I was on a hot seat being asked how I felt how and managed while he was gone for an hour? Was it just an hour it seemed longer as I replied to his last question.
‘Can I go home now please’?
i hope you enjoyed it i apologise for any spelling or grammer ...