Rachie B's Fighting Diary

Hi rachieB, I'm sorry to hear you have a bad back. I used to bury myself in pizza,chocolate and icecream as a distraction but losing weight has got to help us where as putting it on is guaranteed to make it worse. My OH is my biggest downfall buying treats when I've had a bad day but he's joined me on Exante now so hopefully that'll help.
With the meds ask your doc about omoprazole, it'll protect your tum from anti-inflammatory pills without stopping them working. Nothing feels worse than a bad pain day but stick with it. Find a dress for Christmas you love! Good luck.
 
I'm on week 6 I think,day 39 anyhow! doing ok, food is not bothering me too much, certainly not obsessing like I usually do so that is good. I have nearly 2 stone so that can't be sniffed at. One and a bit to go - will have to start introducing food in a couple of weeks as I am going away for 3 nights with OH to celebrate our birthdays ..bit worried about that. I like feeling under control.
 
Well I have been off plan for about a week now and I started the preparation phase today. My medication has now disappeared, I still have pain, but apparently when I get back to the gym on Saturday, I have focus on back exercises before I embrace the CV equipment.

So here I am again starting on this journey of mine. I have found over the past week that I tend to want to eat when I am tired and fed up. Therefore, I am going to seek out inspirational photos to drive my imagination into the zone of me being slim and wearing fabulous clothing. I have also realised that I strive to compensate for my lack of self-confidence due to being overweight for the majority of my teenage and adult life. It still gets me how people do not regard me but when I was slim, I was listened to, considered and well received. I know that shouldn't be the deciding factor to lose weight (better health and all that!!) but I like being regarded and listened to; am I vain?

Anyway, I shall keep going and hopefully feel better in myself to focus on my goals and gathering your wonderful support, hoping I can do the same for you all xxx
 
What am I doing???

For some insane reason I am unable to stick to 4 packs a day and believe that I can actually lose weight. I used to be able to imagine that I was slim and wearing delicious clothes. Now, I am full of self doubt and think that I deserve to be overweight and unattractive so that I don't actually achieve anything that I have always wanted.

Believe me this is not me sitting on the pity pot but expressing myself so as to almost exorcise these negative thoughts out of my head and to encourage me to pull my finger out of my butt and get on with it. Does any one else suffer for the lack of self-belief and the fear of actually being their inner person but on the outside too?

I have a week away from home this week, which I want to use to get into the zone and stop this insane yo-yo thinking. I have my Paul McKenna confidence CD on my iPod, 3 nights away from home so I can focus on this site and start writing my diary like I did all those years ago. With all these activities to focus on, I want to be able to finally find out what the hell my mind is playing at.

I hope you are all well and not too cold now that Autumn has finally arrived.xxx
 
Dear All,

Well it has been 2 weeks since my last confession (LOL!!) Anyway, I have come to the stark realisation that I can't do my weight loss journey on my own. I have realised that I need the support of a group environment and to physically meet like minded people. The counselling that I had when I did Lighterlife enabled me to work on the true painful and very insightful reasons for overeating and having an unhealthy relationship with food, be it my comforter or my punisher.

I have decided to return to LL on 22nd November, which is very close to Christmas, but I just want to start to look at my behaviours so closely that I know that I will have to work on this relationship for the rest of my life.

Thank you all for your amazing insight, support and inspirations. I would be in a more unpleasant place and dress size if it wasn't all for you.

I wish you all happiness and success in your individual journeys.

xx
 
Good luck with LL hun xxx

Sent from my iPhone using MiniMins
 
HI Madoody and Sage-femme

I think I will keep my diary going because you are right as the diary does help as well as reading the numerous posts. I suppose it doesn't matter which VLCD it is all technically the same. LL is more restrictive especially regarding the drinks, but really!!! This is only for 6 months and in that time I am hoping to learn more about why I eat and what triggers the eating thoughts and food obsessions, then I can begin t learn how to eat again without thinking it is tied to thoughts, interpretations and emotions.

At the moment I am trying not to eat my way through the next 11 days. I have exante packs and therefore I want to use these packs to control my weight and then I can became more aligned with LL. I really do need the counselling as I was feel that I am not good enough, but when I am slimmer I feel great. I also compensate less for being overweight and in my head more acceptable. I become quieter, more reserved, and less overly enthusiastic, and 'bubbly'. I seem to accept myself and enjoy the moments in my life, rather than rushing from one unfinished thing to the next; leaving chaos in my trail.

Wishing you success as we go along our journeys.

xxx
 
Glad you are keeping your diary - you're right - they are both VLCDs we are all going through something similar aren't we!! I too have some of the same feelings as you - when I'm slim I'm talkative, confident, smiley, bubbly etc but when I'm like this I'm quiet, I feel like I don't deserve to be happy and I don't like drawing attention to myself by being confident etc so people won't notice how fat I am :( Good luck again with LL xx
 
Hi Sage-femme


I know what you mean. I am 6ft so stick out like a sore thumb anyway. I would love to be demure and quietly confident. I am taking a lot of advice for the LL forum but which is also shared in Exante. I have started getting photos on my phone for inspiration. For example, I would love to wear a jumpsuit and not be worried about looking like a 6ft blob in a bin liner, as well as wearing lovely tailored clothing, maybe invest in expensive pieces because my weight isn't going to fluctuate so rapidly.

I have also noticed that people's first impression are always interesting; when slim pele seem more interested in me and my opinions. When overweight, they usually try to pat me on the head and try to shoo shoo me away. It is almost like I have committed a crime for having dare be overweight and be so weak as to have a lack of self control and just put the food down. If that was the case, then the world would not have an obesity epidemic.

Why is that being overweight is less acceptable than smoking or drinking?
 
Yes but people see you as a whole - you say you feel more bubbly,outgoing and generally have a more positive attitude when slim. Well if being bigger means the opposite, then that is all part of how they react, it is part and parcel. I am not saying size is irrelevant to others, but how your personality shines does dictate the overall image they get. I am only speaking from my experience with v. low self esteem from way back, but negativity breeds negativity. Alot of our perceptions are a tangled web from our ego-centric view of the world- we don't see what others see.
I agree though, fags and booze are more socially acceptable!
 
Update... 8th April 2013

Well I have decided to give Exante one last final go; I have decided that I am fed up of being fat and hating every bone or fat cell in my body. I have had a serious knock to my self-esteem today and I am really struggling to see the best of me. Sorry to be down but I thought if I don't express my inner thoughts some where I will be up all night and in an even more darker place tomorrow.

The posts that I am currently reading are so inspiring. I have planned my next 4 months around the plan, even planning to move house; packing to be completed before the plan begins. I am imagining how slim feels from the last time in 2009 and it feels guuuuddd!!!!

I am sure the darkness will lift soon but tonight it is heavy and I am glad to be part of this group. I may not add anything positive tonight except that I can't wait to join you all in our journey together; as the saying goes 'it is not only about the destination but the journey taken'. Thank you all for your posts xxx
 
Hello, I found your diary and thought I'd drop by as you said you'd like to be buddies :)

I hope you're feeling a bit more positive now? How is it going with the diet? Remind me which day you're on? I get lost on here lol.

Hugs and hope you're doing well. X
 
Hi Jo

I do feel more positive thanks, how are you?

Currently I am off work for 2 weeks to pack up my house before moving. Sadly I don't know when or where I am moving to as me and my partner can't find a house to rent that suits. However, over the past 2 weeks I have come to realise what a fool I have been all these years!! I have been pushing myself too hard to achieve too much in too little time. As a result I have tried to plough energy into my body by overeating and when I am overtired I scoff. Now I have the difficult of task of accepting myself just the way I am even though I don't particularly like who I am eck...

I thought I had suffered from 2 bouts of depressions a few years ago. I have now realised that it was pure tiredness and not depression. Therefore, I need to ensure that I rest plenty whilst doing Exante which I am starting on 8th April for the umpteenth time.

Have you started yet? If so, how is it going?

Thank you for finding me; I thought I had been lost in this ether lol!!

xx
 
Glad to hear that you're going to be taking it easier from now on. It will make the weight loss journey a lot easier.

I started Exante on Friday but have switched to Slim and Save for their amazing variety.

Looking forward to my weigh in on Friday!
 
Hi Jo,

I will be thinking of you on friday. I am looking forward to starting the plan as I so want to fit in looser fitting clothes and not to worry that clothes are getting too small. My and my OH are trying not to scoff a load of food but it is very difficult knowing that we will be without our boredom and emotional crutch.

I have soft drinks at the ready as well as my water flavours, so all is good to go. Just still scared that I won't be able to stick to it and I will be this weight or bigger for my proposed holiday in Sept. I would like to look amazing for a wedding I am attending in July. Do you have an social events that are your mini targets?

xxx
 
Day 7....


Well this weekend hasn't turn out exactly as planned but I have learned a valuable lesson. On this eating plan, I lose weight when I rest and do not pack into too much into my work diary. As a self-confessed workaholic (valuing myself on my achievements and not on what I bring to others) I try to do too much and for my adult life have compensated for this negative self image in eating too much and being too tired.

I sneakily weighed myself on Friday morning and lost 8lb!!!!! I can't believe it!!! All I've done this week is work reasonable hours and rested in the evening; it's worked!!!! Therefore it has been me all along who was getting in the way of me being slimmer and most definitely happier. Early evening in bed, watching and reading in bed has meant that I have been more productive this weekend then in recent months. I've actually got to the point where I am bored with resting and sorting out all my crap in the house. My housework was completed yesterday with the help of my OH. Boring filing was completed today even with a good chill out this morning!! Utterly amazing.

My major lesson was not resting on Saturday and found myself eating protein, mainly chicken, so the learning curve is to rest rest rest. I can't say I did all of the above without thinking I should've done more; I did because I am always harder on myself then anyone else. This has been an eureka weekend I've just got to remember to cut myself some slack and enjoy!!!

Hope you have all had a good weekend.

Xxx
 
Well it's been a year since my last entry and in between I've tried religiously at WW. Sadly I've not lost any weight. The only cause is that their diet relies a lot on filling up on fruit and carbs. I was diagnosed with PCOS in 2006 but the NHS won't help me because I have chosen not to have children so the infertility part is not an issue for me.

So back to exante 3 weeks ago and I've lost 6lbs. This is not without wanting to gnaw my own arm off (low carb and protein rich!!!!!!!!)

this weekend I decided to have two days of carbs to see if I can kick start my weight loss faster......what was I thinking.....sluggishness, mad moods, bloating and feeling blaaahhhhh!!!! Now know low carb is for me. I just wish I could have the fast losses like others.
 
Welcome back Rachie & good luck on your Exante restart. 6lb is a significant loss so well done x
 
Thanks Susie. It hard work today. I'm off this wk doing jobs in the house and really trying NOT to keep thinking that since I'm on holiday I can eat holiday lush food!!!!!

Having to keep telling myself 'if I can just loss my weight and keep maintaining then think of all the future holidays in nice slim fitting clothes!!!' This is really difficult xxx
 
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