breaking-free
Member
Hello! I'm new here.
So what am I doing here? Well, I think I'm finally facing up to the fact that the way I eat isn't normal and it's not healthy. Not in the least bit. So here's a little bit about me and how I came to this realisation.
As a kid, I loved my food and although I certainly wasn't skinny, I definitely wasn't fat. Maybe a little chubby, but I was pretty active and I ate a healthy, balanced diet. Then came the teenage years. From the age of about 13 - 16 I went through some depressive stages where I felt very alone and I suppose food became my comfort blanket. I remember coming home from school and eating biscuit after biscuit, followed by ice cream and bowlfuls of cereal. I'd then have dinner, and snack on more biscuits and chocolate in the evening. It's important to mention that the majority of this eating was done in secret. This carried on throughout sixth form, where I'd eat tiny lunches in public and then eat huge amounts when I was walking home from college and sitting in my bedroom in the evening, and then at uni a combination of drinking massive amounts plus binging on sandwiches, ice cream, chocolate, sweets, crisps and nuts (again, secretly in my room) led to my weight ballooning. At my heaviest I was around 13 and a half stone. During my second year of university I took some action and lost around a stone, and my weight continued to fluctuate until the last six months of university. Then I took a much more drastic approach, and the combination of lots of stress with obsessive calorie counting led to my weight dropping to nine and a half stone. Happy days.
Now, I finished uni in summer 2010, so just over a year and a half ago. Since then my weight has fluctuated big time – it has reached as high as ten and a half stone and as low as eight stone ten lbs. I’ve got to say now though, that in my family we have very light bones, so even when my weight was that low (which was an incredible achievement for me), I was still a chunky size twelve. That was four months ago, and my weight has now gone back up to nine and a half stone. I’m getting to the point where my clothes don’t fit me anymore, and I need to do something about it.
At the moment I’m stuck in a horrible binge-starve-binge-starve cycle, where the constant binges are making me put on weight rapidly. I binge every weekend (to the point where it’s become a habit) and often on a couple of weekdays after work too. It seems that as soon as I eat one thing that doesn’t fit in with my ultra-low calorie diet plan (think 600 calories per day), I lose all self control and will just eat anything I can lay my hands on. I feel like a total fraud too: my friends at work see me eating super healthily, but must wonder why I’m putting on weight. The truth is, I can eat thousands of calories worth of cereal, bread, biscuits, ice cream and chocolate in a very short space of time. I always feel guilty and miserable after a binge, yet if I spot something I fancy eating, I’ll just start eating again. I’ve lost all sense of portion control and I feel that if I don’t do something NOW I’ll carry on being fat and miserable my entire life.
So here I am. I’m sick of hating what I see in the mirror and I want to do something about it. I want to learn how to eat like a normal person and I want my weight to stop preventing me from doing things like going out (because I feel too self-conscious) and buying nice clothes. I’m starting a new job in a couple of months and I want to make a good impression on my new colleagues, rather than have them judge me on my appearance. I’m starting this diary because I feel I need some support but I don’t have anybody around me who I can talk to about my weight issues. Also, by making this public, I’m putting a bit of pressure on myself to get my arse in gear and sort myself out. I’ve got a lot of things that I’m planning on writing down, and I want them posted up on the internet in black and white so that I can see them any time.
So...if you’ve managed to read all of this babble, I’m very impressed. I’ll be posting more very soon, but this is enough for now. This is only the beginning.....
So what am I doing here? Well, I think I'm finally facing up to the fact that the way I eat isn't normal and it's not healthy. Not in the least bit. So here's a little bit about me and how I came to this realisation.
As a kid, I loved my food and although I certainly wasn't skinny, I definitely wasn't fat. Maybe a little chubby, but I was pretty active and I ate a healthy, balanced diet. Then came the teenage years. From the age of about 13 - 16 I went through some depressive stages where I felt very alone and I suppose food became my comfort blanket. I remember coming home from school and eating biscuit after biscuit, followed by ice cream and bowlfuls of cereal. I'd then have dinner, and snack on more biscuits and chocolate in the evening. It's important to mention that the majority of this eating was done in secret. This carried on throughout sixth form, where I'd eat tiny lunches in public and then eat huge amounts when I was walking home from college and sitting in my bedroom in the evening, and then at uni a combination of drinking massive amounts plus binging on sandwiches, ice cream, chocolate, sweets, crisps and nuts (again, secretly in my room) led to my weight ballooning. At my heaviest I was around 13 and a half stone. During my second year of university I took some action and lost around a stone, and my weight continued to fluctuate until the last six months of university. Then I took a much more drastic approach, and the combination of lots of stress with obsessive calorie counting led to my weight dropping to nine and a half stone. Happy days.
Now, I finished uni in summer 2010, so just over a year and a half ago. Since then my weight has fluctuated big time – it has reached as high as ten and a half stone and as low as eight stone ten lbs. I’ve got to say now though, that in my family we have very light bones, so even when my weight was that low (which was an incredible achievement for me), I was still a chunky size twelve. That was four months ago, and my weight has now gone back up to nine and a half stone. I’m getting to the point where my clothes don’t fit me anymore, and I need to do something about it.
At the moment I’m stuck in a horrible binge-starve-binge-starve cycle, where the constant binges are making me put on weight rapidly. I binge every weekend (to the point where it’s become a habit) and often on a couple of weekdays after work too. It seems that as soon as I eat one thing that doesn’t fit in with my ultra-low calorie diet plan (think 600 calories per day), I lose all self control and will just eat anything I can lay my hands on. I feel like a total fraud too: my friends at work see me eating super healthily, but must wonder why I’m putting on weight. The truth is, I can eat thousands of calories worth of cereal, bread, biscuits, ice cream and chocolate in a very short space of time. I always feel guilty and miserable after a binge, yet if I spot something I fancy eating, I’ll just start eating again. I’ve lost all sense of portion control and I feel that if I don’t do something NOW I’ll carry on being fat and miserable my entire life.
So here I am. I’m sick of hating what I see in the mirror and I want to do something about it. I want to learn how to eat like a normal person and I want my weight to stop preventing me from doing things like going out (because I feel too self-conscious) and buying nice clothes. I’m starting a new job in a couple of months and I want to make a good impression on my new colleagues, rather than have them judge me on my appearance. I’m starting this diary because I feel I need some support but I don’t have anybody around me who I can talk to about my weight issues. Also, by making this public, I’m putting a bit of pressure on myself to get my arse in gear and sort myself out. I’ve got a lot of things that I’m planning on writing down, and I want them posted up on the internet in black and white so that I can see them any time.
So...if you’ve managed to read all of this babble, I’m very impressed. I’ll be posting more very soon, but this is enough for now. This is only the beginning.....
