18th Dec 2010
Wonderful! I have managed to catch the cold/cough/sore throat and chest/headache/tummy upset thing my two youngest have got/had...I feel like poo..Hey ho. Well, at least we don't have any snow lol.
Had a nice fruit mix this morning for breakfast and a relatively small lunch- which actually filled me up. I'm not sure if that's got anything to do with me having reduced my portions for five weeks and now have less of an appetite or simply because I've got this bug, I'm hoping it's the former. Although I have lost some of the enthusiasm for all this I still haven't 'cheated'. I was thinking about this in the early hours of the morning, it was more of scenario...this is how my brain was thinking:
"I start my new job on January the 5th, meaning I'll have to go to an evening meeting as opposed to my Monday morning one. I am very fed up today (and have been for a couple of days) so why don't I just relax off of the plan, not go to the meetings until the first evening one (Jan 5th) and start again from there."
...So that's what my brain was suggesting, but really - how dumb is that? We all know what 'relaxing' off the plan really means, I can't relax just a bit- it'd be a full blown blow out, from now until the 5th. I'm NOT going to do it and it's for more than one reason...a) I'd hate myself if I did...b) I'd put back on half what I'd lost...c) I'd feel like I'd be letting myself (and others) down...d) It might be hard to get back on track...e) The last six weeks would have been a waste of time...f) The acid indigestion would come back... g) I'd be an idiot
It's quite strange how every day seems different, I could say I feel different about it at different times during the same day. It is one of the things getting on my nerves, the inconsistency of my thought process. It's probably best summed up by saying this is so much harder to do than I thought. I have the motivation of losing so much in a short space of time, but even that doesn't seem enough sometimes...the question is why? Perhaps because I've finally decided I want the fat gone, I want it gone in an instant. It's almost as if it's not part of the real me so I shouldn't be carrying this fat around.......hope this is making sense! My head seems to be in a constant battle with itself, one moment I am good with it all, I'm losing weight and before long my old skin (the one I'm comfortable with) will be gone. And then my head's worried about the change and wants to revert back to the person I've always been because, as I said, I'm much more comfortable with that.
Analysing all this a bit more deeply, I think I'm struggling to find my true identity and that's why I feel a little lost...I'm nor one or the other. I'm still just close enough to being the person I always have been (after all I've still nearly four stone to lose) and just far enough away (about a stone) from being able 'touch' the beginnings of being the real me. I'm in limbo-land and I'm looking for an easy option to feel less lost. Sounds silly to say this but if I did go off plan and put weight back on then I'd be back where I started, but at least I'd have an identity back.
I do wish re-reading the whole of my diary would work some sort of magic and get me back in the zone, but it isn't as simple as that- well not for me. Yes, it does help a little because it reminds me of how I was feeling but it's doesn't solve the deeper issues of all this. I need to understand the deepest lying emotional aspects of the whole journey I'm on because if I don't tackle those then I'll still be struggling when I do get to fifteen stone. To me, reaching goal isn't the one thing that should make me happy, happiness should come from being on the way to it. I could spend the next five months being on the plan religiously, lose weight a few pounds a week and get to two-hundred and ten pounds but if I haven't tackled (and resolved) the deeper emotional issues then I'm not sure I'll be truly happy. In other words, will-power alone won't be enough. What is will-power anyway? To me it means agreeing on an objective and then not letting anything stand in the way of achieving it...Sure, I could do that and get to goal but I would have done it by papering over the [emotional] cracks along the way.
One really has to say to oneself..."Never say never!" A few simple examples...
"Oh it's Christmas time and think of all the temptation, I can never be 100% this time of year."
"Oh it's so cold outside and on top of it all I'm not very well, I can't possibly stick to my eating plan."
"I've been like this for thirty odd years, I can't be any other way."
If I think like that then I will fail without a shadow of a doubt. If any of us believes we can't do something then it probably means you won't do it.
I'll say again, it really, really, really helps me writing all this down, it does make me see things in a different light once they are all down in words. It's one thing to have a fleeting thought about something but to challenge that thought (and write it down) it does force you to analyse it.
This journey can't be for anyone else but for me, I've been wanting to lose 4lbs or more every week to keep my SW leader impressed, as well as everyone else who is at group...madness Paul!!! It doesn't matter if it's a pound a week, what matters most is you tackle the emotional aspect of it all and the weight loss will follow, and at what ever rate it wants. So as Elle says, it is time to refocus. I've got to stop shying away from things I'm a little scared of...like succeeding and leaving behind this person I've been for so long. I can (and will) do this.