Before, during and (eventually) after...Paul's open and honest account.

Wow! What a fab diary to read. Just came on here for the first time in ages and stumbled across your diary. You are doing SO well so far and having a good old assessment of your feelings and 'trigger' thoughts/words. Seems you are working through a lot of your issues yourself which is fab.
Keep, keeping your chin up. Hope you've had the last of the water disasters.
X
 
Dec 13th 2010

Well I needed that today, the group. I had an awful weekend worrying about the possibility of a gain, stupid me for weighing myself but it turns out I was worrying about nothing....I lost four pounds!

I did have to push myself to go to the group this morning though, really didn't want to see the scales. Actually, being honest, I nearly wimped out altogether. I had a job interview at 1pm and was going to use this as an excuse not to go, having found I could weigh in at a different group Wednesday. Decided this morning that I'd only be cheating myself if I did this so I went anyway.

Meeting was great as well, lots more people there as the weather's improved and we all had a laugh about the exercise you need to do to work off a mince pie. I got three 'stickies' and three certificates today; 2 Stone lost, Club 10 and Slimmer of the Week. I really rubbed it in when my number was picked and I won the raffle as well haha. I came out there knowing for certain why attending a group is the best thing for me, was on a bit of a high if I'm truthful.

Arm's a lot better today but it has stopped me from doing the Aerobics I hoped to do. I have drunk lots of water since Friday, something that really does help your internal system and, one suspects, helps with your weight loss. I've left the diet fizzy alone, not touching a drop and I refuse to buy any when I go shopping tomorrow. I'm assuming it's been the lack of caffeine which has given me a headache three days running, been free from one today though.

I had to look decent for the interview today and the last time I wore my smartest trousers I had to wear a belt, not to keep the things up but because I couldn't do them up around my waist. No such problems today because they were buttoned properly, in addition they sat on my waist at not below it. So with a slight bounce in my step I went to the interview (and tests) and managed to secure a 2nd interview on Wednesday.

Clothes, and wearing of, isn't something I've touched on in any great detail. The more weight I've put on the darker my clothes have got, so much so that black T-shirt and black trackie bottoms have been the order for most days. It's, I feel, very difficult to look good if you're many stones overweight despite what anyone says. I had to go up three flights of stairs today which would have bothered me a month or so ago. Not because I couldn't climb them but because I'd go up them, into reception and thirty seconds later I'd be sweating, consequently feeling uncomfortable and self-conscious. Didn't have that problem to any great extent today.

Going back to the meeting, it still continues to frustrate me when I hear people's excuses for putting on weight this week. One lady (who had gained one and half pounds) said

"Ah you know, it's been so cold and the cold gets me down a bit so I just reach for chocolate."

I just sat there and shook my head a little to myself. A number of them can't seem to grasp the concept of being 100% for the whole week, wondering instead why I keep having such good losses.

Our C had made a SW cake this week and it was two and a half sins per slice. When offered, most people had a piece. When this same lady asked why I wasn't having any I said:

"It's because I already have my day planned, which included fourteen sins...If I had a piece of cake it'd put me at sixteen-and a half and that's too many."

I'm afraid that she couldn't understand me at all but does explain why she's prone to putting on from time to time.

It shouldn't frustate me that people are like she is but it does- although I don't know why. In reality I should just let them got on with it and I'll get on with getting to goal. I think it might be ....hmmmm....well, that they could do just as well as me if they'd just stick to plan and not give in to the 'triggers' they are so used to acting upon...Just wish I could help them see this.

Whist I thank everyone on here who contributes to this thread, can I just give a special thanks to Ellebear. Her comments after my 10th Dec entry really helped me focus because I really wanted to throw in the towel, albeit for just a day. If I had talked myself out of going this morning I would have felt worse. This journey's going to be good and bad and the bad has to be dealt with in a positive manner and not by self-sabotage which is the coward's way out in my mind. It's much easier to shove a bar of chocolate down my throat than it is to look at my long-term goal.

On a lighter note, I'm virtually ALL sorted for Xmas now- like wow!! Left to purchase on the food front is just a jar of Cranberry Jelly and on the present front, just need two or three more.

Have to admit to still having a buzz from this morning, I could get addicted to it...Guess I'll just have to carry on losing weight then!
 
Paul - what a lovely thank you - although not sure i deserve it, i just love your diary and felt the need to put you straight.....and hoorah, i was correct!!!! :) 4lbs off matie.....how awesome is that (and all your other super awards too!! jealous? me? course!!!!)....i mean your stats are staggering!!! 5 weeks and 32lbs.....wowowowow!

I am getting myself sorted for Xmas....did the main food shop today (spent a fortune!) and not all is SW friendly.....but i think i will have a couple of days off over the festive week.....we shall see!

Anyway I digress, well done Paul - superb result this week!!! x
 
Well done Paul, keep going you're inspiring us all to be better on plan!! xxxx
 
Great job!
 
Dec 15th 2010

Had a 'laughable' realisation late last night, a real 'DOH' moment...I've used Warburton's wholemeal bread as my HexB choice every day for the past five weeks and most days I've had fifteen sins. Only one problem with that...I've been having two slices from the 800g loaf and not two from the 400g loaf as I'm supposed to. So this means I've been having four more sins a day than I thought- what a dummy! Having said that, it's hardly hindered my weight loss up until now.

On the whole, it was a good day yesterday. I didn't really worry too much about the way I had to eat, I just did what I had to without thinking about it too much. Breakfast was fruit, lunch was scrambled eggs on toast and dinner was stew- of which I made loads so I can have some more tomorrow :) I continue to drink loads of water but I'm still not exercising. I am doing little things though, which are conscious changes. For example, I was washed and dressed yesterday and once I was downstairs I realised I needed a belt...now ordinarily I would have just called up to my wife asking if she'd bring it for me when she came downstairs but instead I ran upstairs and got it myself. There are lots of other little examples like that as well.

I'm looking forward to my 2nd interview later today, I'm not panicking at all and I am feeling a lot happier knowing my clothes will fit properly meaning I'll look at lot more presentable. I'm lucky in the sense that I'm well-built (broad shoulders etc) and I do 'carry' my weight well. No-one ever guesses my weight correctly when I ask them and it's not a case of them being polite either. Having said that, I'm not bothered about revealing my weight to anyone. Does beg the question why so many people in my group (and some on Minimins boards) are reluctant to admit to how much they do weigh. Wondering if it's another one of those women/men emotional scenarios or is it simply because certain people are ashamed of what they weigh? Of course people have the right to keep it to themselves, I'm not denying that but...well, each to their own I suppose.

Finished the last of the Christmas shopping yesterday (woot!!) but still managed to forget the bloody cranberry jelly lol, I'll have to try and remember to get it Friday now.

Anyway- I'm in festive mood and I'm going to stray off the normal track of this diary (just for today) and reveal my top ten favourite Christmas songs ever...Not to everyone's taste but I've many happy memories of singing (most of) these whilst staggering around the dancefloor at one Christmas disco or another in years gone by lol.

10) Jona Lewis - Stop the Cavalary
09) Paul McCartney - Wonderful Christmas Time
08) Wombles - Wombling Merry Chritmas
07) BoneyM - Mary's Boy Child
06) John Lennon- Happy Christmas (war is over)
05) Kylie Minogue - Santa Baby
04) Pogues (+Kirsty)- Fairytale of New York
03) Darkness- Christmas Time
02) Slade - Merry Christmas Everybody
01) Wizzard - I Wish it Could be Christmas Everyday
 
You cheat! you fraud, you (wish I could spell charlatan) oh whatever. All that time you've been going on about other "mere mortals" and all the time you weren't 100% lol.

Pity really mate as you might have had some decent weight losses had you managed it;)

Just something you touched upon. I also plan everything down to the nth degree - I also will not touch anything offered unless it is absolutely syn-free.

People can't understand that concept, but my motto is fail to prepare, prepare to fail.

It's starting to get harded now though;)

Good luck with the new job sunshine!

Steve
 
I just wanted to say thank you. You've inspired me to join, and to write my (as yet offline) weight loss diary.

Oli x
 
17th December 2010

So the year is drawing to an end and it's yet another one which seems to have flown by. It's my best friend's birthday next week and I was chatting to him about us both being closer to fifty than forty, both agreed it's pretty hard to believe.

Anyhoo, I have been quite busy this week, what with one thing and another. Managed to secure that job I was after and although it's hardly the most glamorous position it's a job. My wife's about to be made redundant so it's just as well I got it. The one problem is I'll be doing four weeks of training working nine til five which stuffs me in respect of going to my morning meeting. I'll have to go to an local evening meet instead. Having said that, I am hoping I won't have to work Monday mornings once I'm trained.

I guess the one good thing about being busy is you tend to think less about food and/or the new eating plan. The negatives quickly come back though because I went shopping today and all the tempting (bad) food was staring at me from every angle. What with it being Friday it means my boys have Pizza for dinner and it's still sooo hard serving that up to them. I have craved food these past few days, mostly some of the 'bread' products I used to eat so much of. I've been fed up with the plan too but that's my fault for not varying things enough. I haven't been eating enough I don't think, well not since Tuesday anyway.

I wouldn't say I've had enough of all this but the novelty has certainly worn off a little, seemed to have lost my 'Mojo' if nothing else. I still haven't found the time to exercise either which isn't good. The feeling I have right now has always confused me...I've had a lovely big portion of SW Spag Bol tonight with loads of mushrooms and onion thrown in and I'm totally stuffed. The weird thing is that I still want to eat even though I feel really full- why the hell is that? I know in the past when I've snacked at, say, one o'clock in the morning I've filled myself up but have still gone back for more- and I'm talking about bad food - because I've felt like I do now. Perhaps it's something as simple as being the rebel in me wanting to rear its ugly head. I'm not going to 'cheat' tonight but it'll hard not to because I'm feeling a bit fed up.

Have to leave this here for a bit, things I must be doing...Probably come back later and write some - hoping to be in a much better frame of mind.
 
Right Paul you need to refocus.....its time to remember all the reasons you joined SW and get that Mojo back....well you always have mojo....you have just put it to one side for the moment. Its the weekend, its nearly Christmas, its always going to be hard to make a healthier choice and stay on plan.

My advice would be to read your diary from the start again. It helped me to focus, and remember why we are doing this.

Chin up matie - lots of love, Elle x
 
Ellebear said:
My advice would be to read your diary from the start again. It helped me to focus, and remember why we are doing this.

I agree with her.
 
18th Dec 2010

Wonderful! I have managed to catch the cold/cough/sore throat and chest/headache/tummy upset thing my two youngest have got/had...I feel like poo..Hey ho. Well, at least we don't have any snow lol.

Had a nice fruit mix this morning for breakfast and a relatively small lunch- which actually filled me up. I'm not sure if that's got anything to do with me having reduced my portions for five weeks and now have less of an appetite or simply because I've got this bug, I'm hoping it's the former. Although I have lost some of the enthusiasm for all this I still haven't 'cheated'. I was thinking about this in the early hours of the morning, it was more of scenario...this is how my brain was thinking:

"I start my new job on January the 5th, meaning I'll have to go to an evening meeting as opposed to my Monday morning one. I am very fed up today (and have been for a couple of days) so why don't I just relax off of the plan, not go to the meetings until the first evening one (Jan 5th) and start again from there."

...So that's what my brain was suggesting, but really - how dumb is that? We all know what 'relaxing' off the plan really means, I can't relax just a bit- it'd be a full blown blow out, from now until the 5th. I'm NOT going to do it and it's for more than one reason...a) I'd hate myself if I did...b) I'd put back on half what I'd lost...c) I'd feel like I'd be letting myself (and others) down...d) It might be hard to get back on track...e) The last six weeks would have been a waste of time...f) The acid indigestion would come back... g) I'd be an idiot

It's quite strange how every day seems different, I could say I feel different about it at different times during the same day. It is one of the things getting on my nerves, the inconsistency of my thought process. It's probably best summed up by saying this is so much harder to do than I thought. I have the motivation of losing so much in a short space of time, but even that doesn't seem enough sometimes...the question is why? Perhaps because I've finally decided I want the fat gone, I want it gone in an instant. It's almost as if it's not part of the real me so I shouldn't be carrying this fat around.......hope this is making sense! My head seems to be in a constant battle with itself, one moment I am good with it all, I'm losing weight and before long my old skin (the one I'm comfortable with) will be gone. And then my head's worried about the change and wants to revert back to the person I've always been because, as I said, I'm much more comfortable with that.

Analysing all this a bit more deeply, I think I'm struggling to find my true identity and that's why I feel a little lost...I'm nor one or the other. I'm still just close enough to being the person I always have been (after all I've still nearly four stone to lose) and just far enough away (about a stone) from being able 'touch' the beginnings of being the real me. I'm in limbo-land and I'm looking for an easy option to feel less lost. Sounds silly to say this but if I did go off plan and put weight back on then I'd be back where I started, but at least I'd have an identity back.

I do wish re-reading the whole of my diary would work some sort of magic and get me back in the zone, but it isn't as simple as that- well not for me. Yes, it does help a little because it reminds me of how I was feeling but it's doesn't solve the deeper issues of all this. I need to understand the deepest lying emotional aspects of the whole journey I'm on because if I don't tackle those then I'll still be struggling when I do get to fifteen stone. To me, reaching goal isn't the one thing that should make me happy, happiness should come from being on the way to it. I could spend the next five months being on the plan religiously, lose weight a few pounds a week and get to two-hundred and ten pounds but if I haven't tackled (and resolved) the deeper emotional issues then I'm not sure I'll be truly happy. In other words, will-power alone won't be enough. What is will-power anyway? To me it means agreeing on an objective and then not letting anything stand in the way of achieving it...Sure, I could do that and get to goal but I would have done it by papering over the [emotional] cracks along the way.

One really has to say to oneself..."Never say never!" A few simple examples...

"Oh it's Christmas time and think of all the temptation, I can never be 100% this time of year."

"Oh it's so cold outside and on top of it all I'm not very well, I can't possibly stick to my eating plan."

"I've been like this for thirty odd years, I can't be any other way."

If I think like that then I will fail without a shadow of a doubt. If any of us believes we can't do something then it probably means you won't do it.

I'll say again, it really, really, really helps me writing all this down, it does make me see things in a different light once they are all down in words. It's one thing to have a fleeting thought about something but to challenge that thought (and write it down) it does force you to analyse it.

This journey can't be for anyone else but for me, I've been wanting to lose 4lbs or more every week to keep my SW leader impressed, as well as everyone else who is at group...madness Paul!!! It doesn't matter if it's a pound a week, what matters most is you tackle the emotional aspect of it all and the weight loss will follow, and at what ever rate it wants. So as Elle says, it is time to refocus. I've got to stop shying away from things I'm a little scared of...like succeeding and leaving behind this person I've been for so long. I can (and will) do this.
 
Maybe you're over analysing it all mate?

Just a thought. I'm concerned at you thinking about relaxing off plan. yes sure things slow down, sometimes we have a slip or god-forbid a gain one week, but you are still in the "honeymoon period" and it is dropping off you.

Perhaps part of you is thinking it is quite easy and another part of you is challenging yourself to go off plan and prove (or disprove) just how easy it is (or isn't).

Anyway, want to chat, rant, sound-off etc. - always available. Hope it's not the cricket getting to you!

Steve
 
Maybe you're over analysing it all mate?

Steve

To be honest, I don't feel as though I am...This is just the way I have to do it, doesn't mean it's right for everyone though.

I'm feeling as rough as **** :/ This 'cold' has really taken a grip and I'm really not up to sitting here and writing a proper entry today :( Just hoping I feel better by Saturday.
 
Your last big post sort of ended with something similar to my fav quote so I thought i'd post it for you.

DON'T LET YOUR FEARS STAND IN THE WAY OF YOUR DREAMS
by : No Fear, Inc.


You are bound to feel rubbish when you've got a cold and having an emotional battle with yourself but amongst all that you are still staying strong and sticking to plan. No cheating at all. - I hope you are giving yourself credit for how hard that is and how well you are doing.

Truly Inspirational.

XXXXX
 
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