Visualizing
Full Member
It’s so easy to fall into the trap isn’t it. I read back on my old diary and good grief my eating was so disordered. You sound like your head is in such a great place now xx
From S to L
- Thread starter BlueTopaz
- Start date
It really is, and it can be a shock to come across things like that, I hope you're doing okay now
Thank you, yeah I am doing a lot better 
xxThank you! Yeah it really took it out of me but it was worth it
I really don't get out much so I try to make the most of it when I am well enough to do so
Visualizing
Full Member
I am thanks. Much calmer about everything. The yo-yoing and obsessing was horrendous when I was younger. Now I just need to continue being focused on my plan and having the results I need. Very different in my mid 40’s to my late 20’s early 30’s. XIt really is, and it can be a shock to come across things like that, I hope you're doing okay now
I'm glad to hear it
Day 7 calorie intake: 1627
Meals: 3
Snacks: 1
All in all this week's been far more successful than I thought it would be! No binges, no guilt for going above 1500, no letting my intake creep below 1000. My energy levels have actually improved so I'm definitely not under-eating, and I've lost 1.6lb as of this morning which means my weight loss is perfectly healthy and on schedule! I might not weigh tomorrow and take today's measurement as my official log for the week, but overall really happy and proud of myself for striking the balance so well instead of teetering into eating too much or too little
I knew I needed community support to get the ball rolling, but too many spaces are disordered. We may not be (entirely) in the 90s/early 2000s heroin chic size 0 culture anymore but people are still selling laxative juices and other crap. It's hard to find a weight loss space that isn't full of people hating themselves into thinness and sacrificing their lives for it when things like laxative abuse are normalised for profit
This quiet little pocket of the internet is so lovely and supportive without nudging me back into unhealthy patterns and I'm so happy to have found it
Meals: 3
Snacks: 1
All in all this week's been far more successful than I thought it would be! No binges, no guilt for going above 1500, no letting my intake creep below 1000. My energy levels have actually improved so I'm definitely not under-eating, and I've lost 1.6lb as of this morning which means my weight loss is perfectly healthy and on schedule! I might not weigh tomorrow and take today's measurement as my official log for the week, but overall really happy and proud of myself for striking the balance so well instead of teetering into eating too much or too little
I knew I needed community support to get the ball rolling, but too many spaces are disordered. We may not be (entirely) in the 90s/early 2000s heroin chic size 0 culture anymore but people are still selling laxative juices and other crap. It's hard to find a weight loss space that isn't full of people hating themselves into thinness and sacrificing their lives for it when things like laxative abuse are normalised for profit
This quiet little pocket of the internet is so lovely and supportive without nudging me back into unhealthy patterns and I'm so happy to have found it
Day 8 calorie intake: 1883
Meals: 3
Snacks: 4
I was really craving gulab jamun and by some miracle it actually fit into my intake for today, so I'm really pleased about that!
Sadly I had an unfortunate reminder this evening that this week is a really significant trauma anniversary for me. It's been 11 years and I've generally started to forget that the end of August can be tough for me, especially with my best friend's birthday to focus on instead, but the body keeps the score regardless. Now I know why I've wanted comfort food the last couple of days, and I know to keep being gentle with myself. Hopefully I can forget again soon, so I might edit this paragraph out of my comment so I'm not continually reminded when I update my diary! Still, I should be extra proud of myself for doing so well with my eating during a time when my CPTSD is worsened, which is why I want to write this here for now and just acknowledge how far I've come that even being actively triggered during a trauma anniversary hasn't caused me to engage in any ED behaviours whatsoever
Edit: spoke too soon, ended up awake until 3am and grazing
But it is what it is, I was too activated to sleep, hopefully today will be better
Meals: 3
Snacks: 4
I was really craving gulab jamun and by some miracle it actually fit into my intake for today, so I'm really pleased about that!
Sadly I had an unfortunate reminder this evening that this week is a really significant trauma anniversary for me. It's been 11 years and I've generally started to forget that the end of August can be tough for me, especially with my best friend's birthday to focus on instead, but the body keeps the score regardless. Now I know why I've wanted comfort food the last couple of days, and I know to keep being gentle with myself. Hopefully I can forget again soon, so I might edit this paragraph out of my comment so I'm not continually reminded when I update my diary! Still, I should be extra proud of myself for doing so well with my eating during a time when my CPTSD is worsened, which is why I want to write this here for now and just acknowledge how far I've come that even being actively triggered during a trauma anniversary hasn't caused me to engage in any ED behaviours whatsoever
Edit: spoke too soon, ended up awake until 3am and grazing
But it is what it is, I was too activated to sleep, hopefully today will be better
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Thank you and I'm sorry you have to deal with it as well
I've been through quite a bit of therapy and am on the waitlist for another round so hopefully that will help some more I hope you're getting the support you need 
MrsTea
Full Member
Thanks, I have weekly appointments with my psychiatric nurse and quarterly with psychiatrist, they are very good to me. Sometimes I feel like getting a T-shirt that says “What Would Mary Do”? on it…that’s my cpn. She’s full of practical solutions as well as a listening ear. And nags about drinking fluids.Thank you and I'm sorry you have to deal with it as well
No worries I'm glad you're in good hands! Mary sounds awesome
Day 9 calorie intake: 1327
Meals: 3
Snacks: 2
Better intake today, hopefully about to drift off without overeating like last night. I did just order a bunch of old fashioned sweets though
But hopefully I can eat them in moderation. We'll see! All I'm really craving are the Haribo Tochos (Strawberry Ice) sweets but they've apparently disappeared from existence 
So I got some aniseed balls, spearmint chews, etc. instead, for the sake of nostalgia. I've done pretty well fitting "junk food" into my intake since starting this, while still having great macros, so I'm fairly confident I can manage
Meals: 3
Snacks: 2
Better intake today, hopefully about to drift off without overeating like last night. I did just order a bunch of old fashioned sweets though
But hopefully I can eat them in moderation. We'll see! All I'm really craving are the Haribo Tochos (Strawberry Ice) sweets but they've apparently disappeared from existence So I got some aniseed balls, spearmint chews, etc. instead, for the sake of nostalgia. I've done pretty well fitting "junk food" into my intake since starting this, while still having great macros, so I'm fairly confident I can manage
tipperary
Gold Member
You seem to be quite focussed @BlueTopaz and knowing your boundaries. I agree about our little corner of the internet, we know it's not a one size fits all, that we all have an approach that's right for us. And indeed different approaches at different life stages
Day 10 calorie intake: 1691
Meals: 3
Snacks: 3
Very tired today, all in all not doing too badly but I do need to try and get back into the 1400 range as I have a history of gaining above 1600. Will give myself some leniency this week given how much of an emotional and physical toll this anniversary is taking on me, but try not to let it disrupt my progress too much
Meals: 3
Snacks: 3
Very tired today, all in all not doing too badly but I do need to try and get back into the 1400 range as I have a history of gaining above 1600. Will give myself some leniency this week given how much of an emotional and physical toll this anniversary is taking on me, but try not to let it disrupt my progress too much
Visualizing
Full Member
@BlueTopaz you’re doing great. Focus on all the positive things in your life and the wonderful things you’re working towards. I go through similar in March. Hits me every year. Just remember how amazing you are xxxx
Thank you
Same for you xxxxDay 11 calorie intake: 1426
Meals: 3
Snacks: 3
Woke up late again today, might have something else before I actually sleep as I think going as low as 1000 is what set me off eating 1600-1800 for a few days, just wanted to log in case I fall asleep first!
Edit: Much better, pushing through the low appetite days should help keep my intake more stable
Meals: 3
Snacks: 3
Woke up late again today, might have something else before I actually sleep as I think going as low as 1000 is what set me off eating 1600-1800 for a few days, just wanted to log in case I fall asleep first!
Edit: Much better, pushing through the low appetite days should help keep my intake more stable
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Still waiting for Starbucks to actually release the official one though Day 13 calorie intake: 1587
Meals: 2
Snacks: 2
Those sweets definitely interfered today, I didn't leave myself enough room for a third meal in the evening. Ended up having a cup a soup not realising I didn't get the lower calorie version. Not had it for a few years so I just assumed it would be 40-50 instead of over 90 for one serving
Honestly not pleased with myself for reverting to old tactics like having that, a slice of 29cal crispbread, and a 9cal serving of Bovril instead of just having another meal on schedule/when hungry, which I'm supposed to do according to the ED treatment I had, regardless of whether or not I overate earlier in the day or know I'll be eating a lot later, or the next day, or even the day before. Regulating my eating means eating regularly no matter what, so that I fix my hunger cues and I'll eventually default to disorder free eating (both over and under) without being thrown off track by special social events or the occasional indulgence
But you live and learn and in all fairness to myself, I really did go to the kitchen to grab a meal, forgetting that I only had frozen lasagne left from being on a lasagne kick the last two weeks and now being sick of it again
Will definitely be rebuilding the ready meal variety in my freezer this coming week so I avoid that problem again! That way I'll have more options and hopefully won't re-enter the food decision paralysis → restriction → binging cycle. The good intentions were there and I've problem solved for next time!
Meals: 2
Snacks: 2
Those sweets definitely interfered today, I didn't leave myself enough room for a third meal in the evening. Ended up having a cup a soup not realising I didn't get the lower calorie version. Not had it for a few years so I just assumed it would be 40-50 instead of over 90 for one serving
Honestly not pleased with myself for reverting to old tactics like having that, a slice of 29cal crispbread, and a 9cal serving of Bovril instead of just having another meal on schedule/when hungry, which I'm supposed to do according to the ED treatment I had, regardless of whether or not I overate earlier in the day or know I'll be eating a lot later, or the next day, or even the day before. Regulating my eating means eating regularly no matter what, so that I fix my hunger cues and I'll eventually default to disorder free eating (both over and under) without being thrown off track by special social events or the occasional indulgence
But you live and learn and in all fairness to myself, I really did go to the kitchen to grab a meal, forgetting that I only had frozen lasagne left from being on a lasagne kick the last two weeks and now being sick of it again
Will definitely be rebuilding the ready meal variety in my freezer this coming week so I avoid that problem again! That way I'll have more options and hopefully won't re-enter the food decision paralysis → restriction → binging cycle. The good intentions were there and I've problem solved for next time!
