Couple can't adopt because...
- Thread starter Annie68
- Start date
mod-karen79
rainbows holiday buddy :)
it's a real shame. i know the fact that he's obese increases the risks of illness, but so do lots of other factors that don't affect the decision, such as smoking, drinking or doing extreme sports!!!
it's frustrating as i know i'm healthier than most slim people. my diet's healthy as i'm a vegetarian and eat lots of veg, i have normal blood pressure and lower than average cholesterol, so i'm not exactly a walking heart attack.
f*****g do gooders!!!
it's frustrating as i know i'm healthier than most slim people. my diet's healthy as i'm a vegetarian and eat lots of veg, i have normal blood pressure and lower than average cholesterol, so i'm not exactly a walking heart attack.
f*****g do gooders!!!
Annie68
Silver Member
The thing that winds me up about it most is that a 24 stone guy who drinks heavily and smokes 40 fags a day can produce as many kids as he likes to as many women as he likes, and they won't be taken away from him. But this couple can't have kids themselves, yet the 'powers that be' are also saying they can't have any. Grrrrrr
northernboi
Full Member
OK I know this isn't going to be very popular, but I support their decision.
It's right to say that smoking and drinking etc affect health too - and that's part of the assessment process. Many councils now will not allow smokers to adopt at all, some won't allow them to adopt if they smoke in the house where the child is going to be living, and some even do tests to check if you are telling the truth! Same applies to drinking habits. And certainly to drugs.
The reality is that some of this is a numbers game. People who have a BMI of over 40 (which in the case of this council is the cut off) are much more likely to die early, get diabetes, be ill and be unable to support a child having a healthy lifestyle. Of course there are always exceptions, and many people with a BMI of 45 might be happy and healthy, but if someone is far more likely to be ill then this must be taken into account.
On the issue of naturally creating children: that's not a fair comparison. Councils are working with children who have already been rejected by their natural families. There are very few babies up for adoption nowadays. The vast majority of children are chaotic and traumatised and need EXCELLENT parents. The council's job is the find the very best parents possible, not to draw a line and say 'well if you can have children naturally then you can adopt'.
It's highly unlikely that someone with a high BMI would have their children taken off them simply because they were fat. But when a council makes a decision to place a traumatised child in the care of parents, it tries to find the very best parents and does so taking into account a large number of factors, including the health of the potential adopters.
It's right to say that smoking and drinking etc affect health too - and that's part of the assessment process. Many councils now will not allow smokers to adopt at all, some won't allow them to adopt if they smoke in the house where the child is going to be living, and some even do tests to check if you are telling the truth! Same applies to drinking habits. And certainly to drugs.
The reality is that some of this is a numbers game. People who have a BMI of over 40 (which in the case of this council is the cut off) are much more likely to die early, get diabetes, be ill and be unable to support a child having a healthy lifestyle. Of course there are always exceptions, and many people with a BMI of 45 might be happy and healthy, but if someone is far more likely to be ill then this must be taken into account.
On the issue of naturally creating children: that's not a fair comparison. Councils are working with children who have already been rejected by their natural families. There are very few babies up for adoption nowadays. The vast majority of children are chaotic and traumatised and need EXCELLENT parents. The council's job is the find the very best parents possible, not to draw a line and say 'well if you can have children naturally then you can adopt'.
It's highly unlikely that someone with a high BMI would have their children taken off them simply because they were fat. But when a council makes a decision to place a traumatised child in the care of parents, it tries to find the very best parents and does so taking into account a large number of factors, including the health of the potential adopters.
BLUEDIAMOND
Full Member
suepat10
I am one of the 63336
I used to work for a fostering agency and some of the stories were absolutely heartbreaking. A part of me agrees with you.
I can understand how distressing this is for the couple who want to adopt, but I don't think it is stressed enough how draining it is physically and mentally looking after a child who has been severely emotionally damaged - which most of the children coming through for adoption are these days.
kjs1628
Surely....
Didn't Dawn French famously have to lose lots of weight before she adopted. She very publicly said "okay, I'll lose the weight and jump through your hoop as long as you know I'm going to put it all back on as soon as we've got our baby". Lol! I love Dawn French.
On the other hand, Northernboi, I do think you have a very valid point. It's a tricky one...(she said, getting splinters in her bottom as she spoke!)
On the other hand, Northernboi, I do think you have a very valid point. It's a tricky one...(she said, getting splinters in her bottom as she spoke!)
maybebabypowell
Full Member
I do agree that there has to be a cut of point however I have a husband who has a BMI of over 40 but in the 7 years I have been with him I can count on one hand the amount of time he has been to the doctors and everytime it is unrelated to his weight.
I think my husband would be a fab dad and definatly hands on. I believe that cases should be based on an individual basis and the health of the "father" should be looked at before a conclusive no is issued!
I think my husband would be a fab dad and definatly hands on. I believe that cases should be based on an individual basis and the health of the "father" should be looked at before a conclusive no is issued!
LittleBottle
Where's Skinny Minnie?
I do feel sorry for the couple as it must be terrible to be aching for a child and unable to have one. However, I absolutely agree with Northernboi too. For the man to say he is healthy but overweight is a complete understatement 24.5 stone is far past overweight. And he may not sit in eating takeaways every night but for him to gain to that level and maintain that weight he definitely isn't eating healthily. It is a shame that a child is left in care rather than placed with the couple who would no doubt love that child, however it is potentially more damaging for that child to form bonds with a parent who (stark truth) may not be around for long.
I may be cynical but they are both overweight and if this is the reason they cannot conceive then adoption seems a second choice. (Of course this is speculation and it may be a medical reason). One of my friends is struggling to conceive and is told constantly that it is due to her obesity, for all that she expresses the desire to start a family she still hasn't stopped scoffing and continues to gain.
I know there are people on here who are trying to conceive and are doing all they can to maximise their chances by losing weight. I'm really trying not to offend people as I know this can be a sensitive subject but I think if you wanted something that much then you'd weigh less than 24.5 stone or at least be on your way to weighing less.
I may be cynical but they are both overweight and if this is the reason they cannot conceive then adoption seems a second choice. (Of course this is speculation and it may be a medical reason). One of my friends is struggling to conceive and is told constantly that it is due to her obesity, for all that she expresses the desire to start a family she still hasn't stopped scoffing and continues to gain.
I know there are people on here who are trying to conceive and are doing all they can to maximise their chances by losing weight. I'm really trying not to offend people as I know this can be a sensitive subject but I think if you wanted something that much then you'd weigh less than 24.5 stone or at least be on your way to weighing less.
kjs1628
Surely....
When we started ttc baby one, I was a smoker. I knew 100% that this was minimising my chances of getting pregnant, but just couldn't give it up, because then I'd have put every single one of my eggs (no pun intended!) in one basket. If I wasn't smoking, then I was declaring to the world that I was ttc and so would be unable to hide behind a shield of 'I'm not really that bothered'. Stupid, but at the time it made sense.
I wonder if there is a bit of this going on....mind you, if we'd hit adoption stage I'd have chopped both my arms off to prove myself a worthy parent.
I wonder if there is a bit of this going on....mind you, if we'd hit adoption stage I'd have chopped both my arms off to prove myself a worthy parent.
northernboi
Full Member
Most adoptive parents would do anything in order to adopt. They're aching to have children.
The first thing this couple did was not ask why, how, what they could or what support they might get to help (some local councils have been known to help potential adopters who need to loose weight by paying for gym memberships or slimming clubs) - the first thing they did was pick up the phone and call the local paper.
The man is 25 stone and is being asked to loose one or two stone in order to demonstrate he is prepared to live healthily and isn't going to continue putting weight on forever.
He's being asked to be the parent of a demanding, traumatised, chaotic child who has been abandoned by their natural family.
I don't think it's too much to ask.
Just one more thing to mention: there isn't a large amount of children sat waiting for parents, that's a common misconception. There are many disabled children who are sadly struggling to find adoptive parents, as there are many black and asian children who are also struggling to find families that match their cultural upbringing.
But, aside from that, there are too many adoptive parents in this country. That being the case, if you were the social worker, wouldn't you want the very best parent for the traumatised child you were caring for? Wouldn't you want the parent who really wanted children, was prepared to change and adjust to have children and was prepared to live healthily to have children?
I know I would. And a parent with a BMI of 42 who wasn't prepared to loose weight or even attempt to loose weight - who is likely to continue to gain weight and, who knows, might end up with a BMI of 50 within a few years... and who rings the papers as soon as a concern is raised... wouldn't be at the top of my list.
The first thing this couple did was not ask why, how, what they could or what support they might get to help (some local councils have been known to help potential adopters who need to loose weight by paying for gym memberships or slimming clubs) - the first thing they did was pick up the phone and call the local paper.
The man is 25 stone and is being asked to loose one or two stone in order to demonstrate he is prepared to live healthily and isn't going to continue putting weight on forever.
He's being asked to be the parent of a demanding, traumatised, chaotic child who has been abandoned by their natural family.
I don't think it's too much to ask.
Just one more thing to mention: there isn't a large amount of children sat waiting for parents, that's a common misconception. There are many disabled children who are sadly struggling to find adoptive parents, as there are many black and asian children who are also struggling to find families that match their cultural upbringing.
But, aside from that, there are too many adoptive parents in this country. That being the case, if you were the social worker, wouldn't you want the very best parent for the traumatised child you were caring for? Wouldn't you want the parent who really wanted children, was prepared to change and adjust to have children and was prepared to live healthily to have children?
I know I would. And a parent with a BMI of 42 who wasn't prepared to loose weight or even attempt to loose weight - who is likely to continue to gain weight and, who knows, might end up with a BMI of 50 within a few years... and who rings the papers as soon as a concern is raised... wouldn't be at the top of my list.
