Joke Thread - Post Your Jokes Here!

Discussion in 'Cambridge Weight Plan' started by SoonToBeGorgeous, 10 January 2008 Social URL.

  1. SoonToBeGorgeous

    SoonToBeGorgeous Loving the Cambridge Diet

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    During the rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

    "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you
    get to me and you want me to promise to "love, honor and obey" and
    "forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever," I'd appreciate it if
    you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and
    walked away satisfied.

    Day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to the main
    event, when it comes time for the groom's vows the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

    The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "yes."

    And then the groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put his $100 into his hand and whispered back: "She made me a much better offer."



     
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  3. hungry_hippo

    hungry_hippo Member

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    Ha ha!

    My joke is stupid but it makes me laugh:

    What do you call a Frenchman in sandals?
    Philippe-Philoppe.

    Hungry Hippo
    x
     
    Lesly Cambridge likes this.
  4. SoonToBeGorgeous

    SoonToBeGorgeous Loving the Cambridge Diet

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    Fabulous!

    Try this one - you need to say it out loud to get it -

    What do you call a fish without an i ?

    The answer is fsh


     
  5. Allan G

    Allan G Gold Member

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    :D A teacher askes her class which part of the body goes to heaven first? One girl says "i thinks its the mind, because you need a mind to believe in God".

    Then a boy raises his hand and says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because god is all about love".

    Then little Johnny puts his hands up and calls out "It`s you feet Miss!" The teacher asks him to explain, so he says, " I was walking past my parents bedroom last night and my mum had her feet up in the air and was saying "oh God i`m coming"Luckily dad was on top of her holding her down". :eek:
     
  6. Hedgemag

    Hedgemag Cambridge Diet Counsellor

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    You just had to didn't you Allan :D;)
     
  7. Allan G

    Allan G Gold Member

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    :D Are you trying to say i lower the tone maggie :D i thought i was a good joke :p
     
  8. Hedgemag

    Hedgemag Cambridge Diet Counsellor

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    Yeah is it :D:D and yes you do:p
     
  9. blue_grapefruit

    blue_grapefruit Gold Member

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    Mwahahahahahaha!!! Brilliant! xxx
     
  10. IWILLSUCCEED!

    IWILLSUCCEED! Banned

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    What a great thread - all of em made me laugh especially yours allans! Here's one from me......

    A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Liverpool and sees a card advertising
    for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

    Interested he goes to learn more. 'Can you give me some more details about
    this?' he asks the guy behind the desk.

    The Job Centre guy sifts through his files and replies,


    'Uh - yes here it is... OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for
    the gynaecologist.

    You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down, wash them all over taking special care to wash their nether regions really well.

    Then you have to apply shaving foam very gently over their pubic area with your fingers to make sure everywhere is covered properly and then shave off all their pubic hair and finally rub in aromatic soothing oils all over and around the shaved area so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination.

    There's an annual salary of £45,000 but I'm afraid you'll have to go to
    London'

    'Oh why, is that where the job's based?'

    'No ..... that's where the end of the queue is ! '


    (geeee - hope I haven't lowered the tone further!hahaha:D)
     
  11. blue_grapefruit

    blue_grapefruit Gold Member

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    NEWS FLASH!!!

    Scientists have discovered intelligent DNA in some women. Unfortunatley 95% of them spat it out!
     
  12. Hedgemag

    Hedgemag Cambridge Diet Counsellor

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    LOVE IT :D:D
     
  13. corinne_j

    corinne_j Full Member

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    Ok this is really rubbish but it made me laugh...

    What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    An egg!
     
  14. Allan G

    Allan G Gold Member

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    :D Brilliant... :D

    :DWhat dis Amy whihouse`s husband Blake get for xmas??? Prison Food. :D
     
  15. SoonToBeGorgeous

    SoonToBeGorgeous Loving the Cambridge Diet

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    A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo
    anyone in a feat of strength.
    He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen.
    After several minutes, Morris had enough. "Why don't you put your money where
    your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something
    in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel
    back."
    "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you
    got." Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then,
    nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."



     
  16. SoonToBeGorgeous

    SoonToBeGorgeous Loving the Cambridge Diet

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    A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I
    have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss &
    several of his Friends.
    We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to
    get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you
    please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and
    fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by
    the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue
    silk pajamas."
    The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being
    the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
    The following Weekend he came home a little tired
    but otherwise looking good.
    The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught
    many fish?
    He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and
    a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue
    silk pajamas like I asked you to to?"


    You'll love the answer...


    *


    *


    *


    *


    *

    The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....."




     
  17. smoorecats

    smoorecats Full Member

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    Wife gets naked in front of her hubby and asks him
    "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
    Hubby looks her up and down and replies
    "Your sense of humour!"
     
  18. sonban

    sonban Addicted to Minimins

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    Why was Cinderella never picked for the hockey team?




    Because she always ran away from the ball....:D

    :eek:Well I thought it was funny anyway my little girl told it to me.:eek:
     
  19. SoonToBeGorgeous

    SoonToBeGorgeous Loving the Cambridge Diet

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    Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark

    One : Don't miss the boat.
    Two : Remember that we are all in the same boat.
    Three : Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
    Four : Stay fit When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
    Five : Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
    Six : Build your future on high ground.
    Seven : For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
    Eight : Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
    Nine : When you're stressed, float a while.
    Ten : Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
    Eleven : No matter the storm, there's always a rainbow waiting...



     
  20. SoonToBeGorgeous

    SoonToBeGorgeous Loving the Cambridge Diet

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    LET'S PICK UP SOME CHICKS!

    .....And we wonder why they say you will never meet a life partner in a
    bar???

    Women's Snappy Comebacks to Pick-up Lines

    Man: "Haven't we met before?"
    Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

    Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
    Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

    Man: "Is this seat empty?"
    Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

    Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
    Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock.?"

    Man: "Your place or mine?"
    Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

    Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
    Woman: "It's in the phone book."
    Man: "But I don't know your name."
    Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

    Man: "What sign were you born under?"
    Woman: "No parking."

    Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
    Woman: "Do Not Enter"

    Man: "How do your like your eggs in the morning?"
    Woman: "Unfertilized!"

    Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the
    same reason."
    Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

    Man: "I know how to please a woman."
    Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

    Man: "I want to give myself to you."
    Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

    Man: "I can tell you want me."
    Woman: "Ohhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

    Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
    Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

    Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and me hitting the hot
    spots?"
    Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

    Man: "Your body is like a temple."
    Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

    Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
    Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

    Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
    Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"



     
  21. suemal

    suemal Full Member

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    When the aliens land,they're going to eat all the skinny blondes first!
     
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