Joke Thread - Post Your Jokes Here!
- Thread starter SoonToBeGorgeous
- Start date
SoonToBeGorgeous
Loving the Cambridge Diet
Regardless of one's age, you simply should always plan ahead:
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
'He's a funeral director,' she answered.
'Interesting,' the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go...
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
'He's a funeral director,' she answered.
'Interesting,' the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go...
kelly1977
Back On CD.......
Sadly, Tony was born without ears, and though he proved to besuccessful in business, his problem annoyed him greatly.One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set upthree interviews.The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and wasvery interesting, but at the end of the interview, Tony asked him, "Doyou notice anything different about me?" "Why, yes, I couldn't help butnotice that you have no ears," came the reply.Tony did not appreciate his honesty and threw him out of the officeThe second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question: "Do you noticeanything different about me?""Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears."Tony again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch. He was ayoung man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart, he was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first twoput together.
Tony was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the samequestion:"Do you notice anything different about me?"Much to his surprise, the young man answered,
"Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?" Tony was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant person.
"How in the world did you know that?", he asked. The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied,"Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f**king ears!!"
kelly1977
Back On CD.......
IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY
Artery......................... The study of paintings
Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria
Barium.........................What doctors do when patients die
Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section......... A neighbourhood in Rome
Catscan........................ Searching for Kitty
Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her
Colic............................. A sheep dog
Coma........................... A punctuation mark
Dilate............................To live long
Enema.......................... Not a friend
Fester........................... Quicker than someone else
Fibula............................ A small lie
Impotent....................... Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain.................... Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff................... A Doctor's cane
Morbid.......................... A higher offer
Nitrates......................... Cheaper than day rates
Node..............................I knew it
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted
Pelvis............................. Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative................ A letter carrier
Recovery Room............... Place to do upholstery
Rectum.......................... Nearly killed him
Secretion....................... Hiding something
Seizure.......................... Roman emperor
Tablet........................... A small table
Terminal Illness............... Getting sick at the airport
Tumour........................ One plus one more
Urine............................ Opposite of you're out
Artery......................... The study of paintings
Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria
Barium.........................What doctors do when patients die
Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section......... A neighbourhood in Rome
Catscan........................ Searching for Kitty
Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her
Colic............................. A sheep dog
Coma........................... A punctuation mark
Dilate............................To live long
Enema.......................... Not a friend
Fester........................... Quicker than someone else
Fibula............................ A small lie
Impotent....................... Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain.................... Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff................... A Doctor's cane
Morbid.......................... A higher offer
Nitrates......................... Cheaper than day rates
Node..............................I knew it
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted
Pelvis............................. Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative................ A letter carrier
Recovery Room............... Place to do upholstery
Rectum.......................... Nearly killed him
Secretion....................... Hiding something
Seizure.......................... Roman emperor
Tablet........................... A small table
Terminal Illness............... Getting sick at the airport
Tumour........................ One plus one more
Urine............................ Opposite of you're out
An Obese man sees an ad for a three-day, 10lb weight-loss plan and signs up.
Next day, a sexy woman arrives at his door dressed in skimpy running shorts. She says: 'if you can catch me, you'll get a kiss.' Excited, he chases her and, a few miles later, he catches her and plants a smacker. The same thing happens the next two days and the man loses 10lb.
Pleased, he orders the five-day 20lb plan and even more sexier girl arrives. She tells him: ' If you catch me, you can kiss me!'
After five days of this, the man has lost another 20lb.
Now he orders the seven-day, 50lb plan. 'Are you sure?' the rep asks. 'it's our most rigorous one.'
The man says yes and next day gets a knock at the door. Eagerly he opens it. But this time it's a big muscular guy. The guy says to him: 'Right, mate, my turn to catch you.'
Next day, a sexy woman arrives at his door dressed in skimpy running shorts. She says: 'if you can catch me, you'll get a kiss.' Excited, he chases her and, a few miles later, he catches her and plants a smacker. The same thing happens the next two days and the man loses 10lb.
Pleased, he orders the five-day 20lb plan and even more sexier girl arrives. She tells him: ' If you catch me, you can kiss me!'
After five days of this, the man has lost another 20lb.
Now he orders the seven-day, 50lb plan. 'Are you sure?' the rep asks. 'it's our most rigorous one.'
The man says yes and next day gets a knock at the door. Eagerly he opens it. But this time it's a big muscular guy. The guy says to him: 'Right, mate, my turn to catch you.'
SoonToBeGorgeous
Loving the Cambridge Diet
A nice, calm respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription…”
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription…”
Hedgemag
Cambridge Diet Counsellor
THE FACECLOTH
The Facecloth
This has to be read, laughed at and passed
on. There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up
over this!
I was due for a cancer smear with the doctor
later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call
from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been
rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just
packed everyone off to work and school, and it was
already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took
about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little
extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but
this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full
effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet
the facecloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave
myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at
least presentable. I threw the facecloth in the clothes
basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced
to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few
minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as
I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at
the other side of the room and pretended that I was in
Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a
little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made
an extra effort this morning, haven't we?'
I didn't respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of
relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal -
some shopping, cleaning, & cooking.
After school when my 7 year old daughter was
playing, she called out from the bathroom, 'Mummy,
where's my facecloth?'
I told her to get another one from the
cupboard.
She replied, 'No, I need the one that was
here by the sink, it had all my glitter saved inside it.'
NEVER going back to that doctor ever!!
The Facecloth
This has to be read, laughed at and passed
on. There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up
over this!
I was due for a cancer smear with the doctor
later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call
from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been
rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just
packed everyone off to work and school, and it was
already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took
about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little
extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but
this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full
effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet
the facecloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave
myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at
least presentable. I threw the facecloth in the clothes
basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced
to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few
minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as
I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at
the other side of the room and pretended that I was in
Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a
little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made
an extra effort this morning, haven't we?'
I didn't respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of
relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal -
some shopping, cleaning, & cooking.
After school when my 7 year old daughter was
playing, she called out from the bathroom, 'Mummy,
where's my facecloth?'
I told her to get another one from the
cupboard.
She replied, 'No, I need the one that was
here by the sink, it had all my glitter saved inside it.'
NEVER going back to that doctor ever!!
SoonToBeGorgeous
Loving the Cambridge Diet
This is a diet ad from the 1930's - all I can say is thank goodness for Cambridge !!
blue_grapefruit
Gold Member
I've volunteered in Uni to have a tape worm!
Wooo! Thing is, it may not be for about 10 months an i'll be at goal by then so will have to overeat to feed my baby tape worm
Gorra love biomolecular subjects!
HM - i'm STILL laughing xxx
Wooo! Thing is, it may not be for about 10 months an i'll be at goal by then so will have to overeat to feed my baby tape worm
Gorra love biomolecular subjects!
HM - i'm STILL laughing xxx
SoonToBeGorgeous
Loving the Cambridge Diet
SEVERAL DOZEN OF THE MOST STUPID THINGS EVER SAID
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." --Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what ... is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." --Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." --A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." --Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." --Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" --Apple Computer Inc. founder, Steve Jobs, on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." --1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.
"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." --Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." --Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." --Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". --Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872.
"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon". --Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon- Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." --Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what ... is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." --Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." --A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." --Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." --Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" --Apple Computer Inc. founder, Steve Jobs, on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." --1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.
"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." --Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." --Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." --Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". --Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872.
"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon". --Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon- Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981
SoonToBeGorgeous
Loving the Cambridge Diet
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables . So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables . So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"
Mrs Pink
Banned
MY NEW PARROT
Recently I received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could thinkof to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him inthe freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked andscreamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot,I quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said: 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivablebehavior.'
I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued ...
'May I ask what the turkey did?'
Recently I received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could thinkof to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him inthe freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked andscreamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot,I quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said: 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivablebehavior.'
I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued ...
'May I ask what the turkey did?'
SoonToBeGorgeous
Loving the Cambridge Diet
1. Did you hear about the blond that worked in the M&M factory as an inspector?
She got fired for throwing away all the W's.
She got fired for throwing away all the W's.
SoonToBeGorgeous
Loving the Cambridge Diet
CAKE OR BED
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.
FINE,
THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT
TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK
I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS...............................
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.
HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?
SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE SARA LEE WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.
FINE,
THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT
TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK
I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS...............................
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.
HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?
SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE SARA LEE WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!
SoonToBeGorgeous
Loving the Cambridge Diet
It all makes sense now!
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a 20 year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you 20 years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back, that makes 80, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first 20 years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a 20 year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you 20 years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back, that makes 80, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first 20 years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
SoonToBeGorgeous
Loving the Cambridge Diet
The most cruel eye-test for old men -
Allan G
Gold Member
A school teacher asks her class, " can you name me a vegetable that makes your eyes water?" Little Jimmy raises his hand and says, "A pumpkin miss."" No" says the teacher, "Actually, it`s an Onion."
"An Onion?" says little jimmy. " You`ve obviously never been hit in the balls with a pumpkin then, cos it made my bloody eyes water".
Big-Pudding
Dreaming of being slim!
Knock Knock.....
Who's there......
'Dun up'
'Dun up who???'
Read it out load, it has my kids in hysterics everytime!!!
Who's there......
'Dun up'
'Dun up who???'
Read it out load, it has my kids in hysterics everytime!!!