O/T joke thread - to keep us distracted

Discussion in 'Cambridge Weight Plan' started by AlexIce, 3 November 2009 Social URL.

  1. AlexIce

    AlexIce Silver Member

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    Read a joke / Post a joke - thought a section of funnies might keep us distracted when we need some distraction!

    Here's one to start off

    Clever Teacher A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

    "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever."

    A smart ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

    The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,
    "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
     
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  3. jules75

    jules75 Full Member

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    HAhahahahahahahahahahahaha



    xx
     
  4. emmapetty

    emmapetty Going for Goal!

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    Haha I love that one! :)
     
  5. kellyv81

    kellyv81 Full Member

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    Ha ha ha..Good one!
     
  6. minx

    minx Full Member

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    my husband is an english teacher, think he'll be hearing that one tonight!
     
  7. Hayley 22

    Hayley 22 would like to be slim

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    I only know rude ones hehe

    Married sex is like the national lottery......
    Same old balls
    no chance of 69 and
    after 20 seconds it all ends in a rollover!
     
  8. Anthony Smith

    Anthony Smith Slimmer 2010

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    Love that one Hayley :)
     
  9. AlexIce

    AlexIce Silver Member

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    One liners

    - Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on. ​
    - Schizophrenia beats being alone.​
    - If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

    - I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.


     
  10. Klev

    Klev Full Member

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    LMAO at your first joke Alexice!! I just love it!! Oh i always know some, but none will pop up right now :) when i do know one i'll come back :D
     
  11. onlyme!

    onlyme! is a naughty girl...

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    A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

    On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

    "What?" said the puzzled groom.

    "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

    "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

    Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

    Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

    Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

    Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

    Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

    Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

    Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

    Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

    Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

    "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

    "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
     
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  12. emmapetty

    emmapetty Going for Goal!

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    love that Megan LMAO
     
  13. AlexIce

    AlexIce Silver Member

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    lol good one Megan!
     
  14. Hayley 22

    Hayley 22 would like to be slim

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    Pants and Panties

    Mike was going to be married to Karen,
    So his Father sat him down for a little chat.


    He said, ' Mike , let me tell you something.

    On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''


    She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'

    I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'

    Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.

    'Hmmm,' said Mike . He thought that might be a good thing to try.

    On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..'

    She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'

    Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will I don't want you to ever forget that.'

    Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine.'

    Mike did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.'

    Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'

    :giggle::girlpower:
     
  15. AlexIce

    AlexIce Silver Member

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    [FONT=Verdana,Arial]OK, so a man walks into a bar with a large box, the bar tender goes up to him and asks "what's in the box".

    The man says "I'll show ya' if you get me a beer."

    So of course the bar tender gets the man a beer, the man drinks it, and he pulls out a little foot tall man and he pulls out a little piano. The little man starts playing the piano!

    Next the bar tender asks "hey! thats prety cool, where did ya' get that?"

    The man says" I'll tell ya' if you get me another beer." So the bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and he says "I got it from a genie and a lamp"

    The bar tender says "If ya' let me barrow that genie and that lamp I'll give ya' another beer."

    The man says "Oh, Okay!"

    The bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and the man gives the bar tender the lamp.

    The bar tender rubs the lamp and the genie pops out!

    The geenie says "Master, I grant you one wish, what is it?"

    The bar tender says "I wish for a million bucks!!!" And all of a sudden a million ducks start flying into the room. "What the heck is this!!! I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks!!!"

    And the man says "Well did you think I wished for a 12 inched pianist!"
    [/FONT]
     
  16. clairegoodall

    clairegoodall Full Member

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    The Hedgehog.
    What is his problem. Why can't he just share the hedge???:D
     
  17. misspinkkat

    misspinkkat Can hug her knees :)

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    HAVING MUM OVER FOR DINNER

    You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...
    Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Ben's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Ben's roommate, Jennifer, was. Ben's Mum had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Ben and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

    Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and Jennifer than met the eye.

    Reading his mum's thoughts, Ben volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

    About a week later, Jennifer came to Ben saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

    Ben said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:



    _________________________________________________________

    Dear Mum,

    I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

    Love, Ben



    __________________________________________________________

    Several days later, Ben
    received an email back from his mother that read:
    ____________________________________________________

    Dear Son,

    I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

    Love, Mum

    LESSON OF THE DAY -
    NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER



     
  18. onlyme!

    onlyme! is a naughty girl...

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    I love that joke!
     
  19. AlexIce

    AlexIce Silver Member

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    Confusing

    Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher saying that Johnny was having trouble telling the difference between boys and girls, and would his mother please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this. So Johnny's mother takes him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.
    "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse", she said, so Johnny unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
    "O.K., now take off my skirt", and he takes off her skirt. "Now take off my bra", which he does.
    "And now, Johnny, please take off my panties". Johnny finishes removing these too.
    His mother then says, "Johnny, please don't wear any of my clothes to school ever again!"
     
  20. AlexIce

    AlexIce Silver Member

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    A stranger was seated next to a blonde on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.
    The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger,
    - 'What would you like to talk about?'
    - 'Oh, I don't know, said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
    - OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
    A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
    The stranger, visibly surprised by the blonde's intelligence, thinks about it and says,
    - 'Hmmm, I have no idea....'
    To which the blonde replies,
    - 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?'
     
  21. Blingbabe

    Blingbabe Back On Track!

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    What's a lawyers favourite pudding?

    Suet !

    (Groan, thats why I never tell jokes!)
     
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