Story thread

[devonbabe]

i thought.
Who had that bony arm once belonged to?
what was it doing here.

what was i doing here?

the smell of the salty sea air grew stonger as i made my way down the tunnell, i began to feel a cool breeze blowing against my face. in a strange way it was a welcoming feeling. i knew the end of the tunnel was close now, i was glad to get out of that claustrophobic atmosphere. Away from the weird gloworm, and the BB housemates that had become entombed in the catacomb of narrow winding tunnels.

i could hear in the distance......

 

[CW Consultant]

drunken singing and I could make out the shadow of a large pirate ship, OMG it was the black pearl and captain Jack Sparrow was clutching a bottle of rum.

From the mast the rest of the unfortunate wretch's skeleton hung.

The pirates were leaving the ship and heading my way .........

 

[devonbabe]

i had to hide. i panicked, my heart began to race. i looked around me. i was in a large opening, a cave with sandy floor and wet slippery walls. i saw a large crate and ducked down behind it. Then i heard captain Jack say...

 

[CW Consultant]

Have those peanut bars arrived yet I am dying for something to crunch other than these damn bones under me feet mate. Hang on where has me spare arm gone I'm sure I left it here yesterday

 

[devonbabe]

just as he said that i froze..
i had read the label on the crate. it said ..

TOP PRIORITY
urgent delivery
Captain Jack Sparrow c/o The Black Pearl
contents
5000 boxes CHOCOLATE VELVET TETRA

 

[CW Consultant]

So thats where all the chocolate velvet has gone, the swine!

I wonder how many of the peanut and cranberry crunch he has ordered.

Now how can I get those CV to my desperate dieters, the powders are just great when you are at home but for other peeps its a problem.

I suddenly saw a small rowing boat at the entrance to the cave, problem was Cap'n Jack was snoozing in the entrance covered in empty CV cartons and rum bottles, he still looked good though wonder what eyeliner he uses

 

[devonbabe]

maybe its Maybellene?...or Loreal, 'cause hes worth it'...whatever he uses, he insists its waterproof.

Captain pugwash made this mistake once and forgot to use waterproof mascara his shipmates renamed his ship, they said he looked like a panda, and so the Black Pig was thereafter known as the Pandapig...he never lived it down.

he had to give up his life at sea after that, hes now in a retirement home in Weston Super Mare, he still reminices of those glory days, and rumour has it hes hidden his treasure in his commode

 

[CW Consultant]

(DB you are worse that me and that takes some doing!!)

Back to the story, think its L'oreal coz he definitely is worth it.

I gingerly made my way to the entrance of the cave and stepped over the sleeping cap'n then to my horror ......................

 

[devonbabe]

i saw them, running along the beach, their little fat tummies wobbling as they paced along the seashell strewn sands...singing melodically.. a warm but ominous greeting....eh ooh....eh oooohhh

there they were..alive and kicking right in front of my eyes

tinkywinky, dipsy, lala and po..

i was paralysed with horror..i hitched up my nightie, tucked the hem inside my knickers so my legs were more free.....and ran

i ran, and ran. i ran till my muscles burned. i ran till my cheast nealry burst. i ran till i couldnt run any more...and finally......

 

[CW Consultant]

I collapsed on the sand, the tellietubbies disappeared, I was really surprised to have seen them I can tell you, or did I was this just an illusion was I delirious

Suddenly I smelled a whiff of rum and felt a tap on my shoulder (didn't think I would let him go so quickly didya DB )

It was Capt Jack with an ice cold CV in his hand, sorry he said didn't realise I had ordered up all the stock, here drink this you will feel better.

I always mix mine with rum he said, but then I am not on SS I just drink them coz their nice he said with a wink.

I was just going to drink the cold CV when..........

 

[devonbabe]

he said...'you know that skeleton i had hanging from the mast?

'well.....thats was the dead man...and i have his chest full of treasure'

'if you show me your chest i will show you mine'.

'fancy coming back to my cabin?...'babe'...he added with a wink

'ermmm, ughhhh, well, ahhh..ermmm...ok then'....

he held out his hand and lead me back towards the Black Pearl, with a gruff 'ahh haaa me hearties', and a wickid grin.

on board.........

 

[CW Consultant]

he led me to his private quarters

and on that note I'm off to bed - story will continue tomorrow ...........................................

 

[devonbabe]

i woke the next morning with the ultimate hangover. after 15 chocolate velvets and rum, and a flagon of moonshine, it felt like a tribe of masi warriors had entered my brain and were banging their drums very very loudly. ontop of that a cage full of scarlet macaw parrots were screeching everytime i moved my head. we had spent the night drinking and playing kerplunk.

i looked around the cabin, i was alone, and i could smell breakfast cooking. I was in a large brass bed with pink silk sheets ( he told me its his favourite colour, brings out the femine side of the pirate and it very calming after a days pirating) the walls were oak pannelled, and the ceiling was painted pale blue with creamy white clouds..it was a very beautiful cabin. i scanned around and saw on his french antique louis VII mahogony dresser a large.....

 

[CW Consultant]

brass urn, I slowly got up the room was spinning, I made my way over the the dresser wondering how he managed to get that on board the ship and into his cabin. Around the urn was fine grey powder and in it was etched a silly grin bit like this and the words Gotcha.

My blood run cold, just what was in that urn ...............

 

[devonbabe]

i stood on my tip toes and peered over the rim of the urn. it was half full, i licked my index finger and reached my hand down inside the urn to dip my finger in the powder.

That..my dear is very special powder, he breathed in my left ear..that will change your life. it changed mine.

i spun around, Jack was dressed in a smart charcoal grey Armani suit with a yellow tie

i looked at him, looked at my powder encrusted finger, and the stuck my finger in my mouth.

i let the powder mix with my saliva, i rolled it around my tonge like a winetaster sampling a fine wine....

its mushroom soup..i exclaimed.

NO...its MAGIC MUSHROOM soup he told me, drink this and you too can have a slim figure just like me..it really is magic stuff. i used to be a right lard arse...now look, im slim and hansome and much more healthy than i used to be. it really has changed my life.

anyway..ive gotta go, im off to work now...

work?

yehh, im only a part time pirate, i work in the city, im a.....

 

[CW Consultant]

Johnny Depp lookalike sometimes I appear as Russell Brand, that can be a pain though as they have to put me on a wrack and stretch me as I am a little too short, and the eyeliner is not as good as my own.

Its quite useful though when I am doing an Edward Scissorhands impersonation as I do not need to mess with the hair too much.

Anyway must go, can you make the bed and tidy up for me. Love you to stay I am on 790 prog at the moment so can I have some chicken and brocolli for me tea..........

My dreams were smashed he was just like any other man, I much preferred the Pirate still when he gets back tonight I will..........................

 

[devonbabe]

have gone..........

Im not going to do his housework and cook his tea! i do enough of that at home. cheeky sod!

i was looking for adventure, thrill and excitement, i certainly wasnt going to cook chicken and broccoli for him!

i quickly washed, brushed my hair, checked out his wardrobe and got dressed in a pair of knee length pirate boots, a big frilly pirate shirt with a wide leather belt sitting on my hips, i stole his big gold hoop earrings, picked up a leather bag, and put some toiletries, some cash i found under the mattress and emptied his treasure chest of jewells. then i went to the kitchen, put the remaining chocolate velvets from his fridge in the bag, filled up a 2ltr bottle of water, and i was ready...

now i just had to find a mode of transport....

 

[CW Consultant]

I opened the door and there was Jack standing on the deck of the Black Pearl. Where do you think you are going, and what are you doing in my best outfit

I spluttered, but but you just went to work in the City and expected me to cook and clean for you.

Aha you have met Jim Sparrow have you, my dastardly handsome twin brother - bit of a plonker really no sense of adventure. Bet he told you the powder was magic mushrooms too, instead of the ashes of the last pirate who crossed me It tastes like mushrooms as its gone a bit mouldy with the damp

If its adventure you want we are off to sea now in search of the Golden fleece, with matching earrings and gloves are you coming with me ...................................

 

[icemoose]

No I am staying here!

I know where the golden fleece is, I saw in on an Ikea poster the other day when driving into Norwich, they are doing buy one get one free on them and you can pick other fleece colours such as dark brown and indigo red which has a nice shimmer to it.

I could see that annoyed him as he clearly wanted me to go on his ship just so he could have his wicked way with me but the problem is that I get very seasick and anyway Ikea is open till late on a Wednesday so made more sense.

So off to Ikea I went! They had these very strange wardrobes there but even weirder was when I opened the door of one of them and guess who walked out!

 

[devonbabe]

Shaun the Sheep!

BAAAAAA

he pushed past me, and trotted out of the showroom towards the escalators, his little hooves clippity clopping on the laminate flooring of the Ikea kitchen showroom area.

i saw his tail dissapearing down the escalators towrads the marketplace, when i suddenly realsied he wasnt wearing his usual stripey jumper.

he was wearing THE golden fleece

i reached in my bag and took out a chocolate velvet box, and lobbed it at Shaun, but it missed him and bounced off....