Stuffed my face last night!!!

[Kate78]

I’m not sure if I should share this with the group, but I’m going to as wanted to try and sort of my emotions in my head and think that it helps to type it all out and think it through!

Yesterday I broke my abstinence. I had been thinking about it for days and had been planning it out. I decided that I should do it on a class night, so I could eat, get it out my system and get right back to the programme. I did this and this morning I’m determined to get straight back to it.

Now I was thinking about why it was so important to me to eat, I had been fantasising about eating for so long, for weeks I kept thinking about it and thinking about how much better things would be if I could eat, I would enjoy the food so much and it would taste fantastic and I wouldn’t feel like a social outcast…blah blah blah, I could go on for ages. I know that these are all crooked thoughts, but I couldn’t really get them out of my mind. I couldn’t though for complete want of trying get the thought of the food tasting fantastic out of my mind. I really wanted to taste it, to know that it wasn’t that great and to prove it to myself, so thought, “Sod it eat and then you will know”, which is what I did. I felt like I was going to throw up, my favourite food tasted not that nice, and I don’t really worry that much now about getting back onto my foodpacks until the end of May to loose my last 2 and a bit stone.

One of my main worries at the moment is that I’m finding it really tough now that I’m getting into a weight that I’ve never been before. I’m getting a lot of comments good and bad. One woman at the weekend said at football (in front of a huge group of my friends) “Are you trying to loose weight? I don’t know why you are bothering, you will just put the weight back on and more” I know that when I look at it rationally that she is just jealous but I’d still rather not be having to deal with comments like that. Also other people are being very complementary, which is great, but I just want to get on with it silently. I’m almost ashamed that I let myself get into a stage where I needed to loose so much weight, and the loss of control around it.

Some of my friends have a complete fascination with the diet quizzing me on the ins and outs of it, again I don’t really want to talk about it. One friend is starting LL tonight and I’m so excited for her, and looking forward to having another LL buddy, but none of my other friends or family (non-of which have a weight problem) understand the diet and keep telling me how stupid it is and how I will put the weight back on, make myself ill blah blah blah. It was all getting a bit much and I wanted to step back to normality. I think that the issue is that now I have lost so much weight that I can’t hide it to people, nor can I hide the extremeness of the programme when asked what I’ve done to loose it. I can’t explain to people how unhappy I was and how I was so out of control with my eating, as I know they won’t understand and I don’t feel comfortable trying to explain it.

Anyway, thank you for letting me share my thoughts with you all. I think that over the weekend, I’ll do some thought records around it all, try and get it all a bit more rational in my mind.

 

[Blonde Logic]

I was going to suggest thought records too. I might suggest next time, come here before you lapse. You said you had been planning it days, so maybe we could have helped you avoid it. It is all crooked thinking that got you to eat. And thats what we are trying to learn not to do. So maybe we can help if there is a next time.

As for your friends comments in fron of everyone - I would have been tempted to giver her a slap!! Nosey cow! Again, when people say that you will just put it back on, just give them a cheeky grin and ask them if they would like to take a bet and put there money where their mouth is.

I am like you - keeping this very quiet - however I am getting more and more comfortable talking about it with frineds. I confessed to a friend last night how much I weighed when I started. I would NEVER EVER have dreamt I would confess that to ANYONE - close friend ar anonymlus stranger - just couldn't bring myself to say it out loud. But now, I feel I can - and its feeling good.

Good luck to you Kate. Keep on doing this diet, the way that works best for you, and only tell those you want to, what you want to.

You are doing very well. Keep it up.

 

[hels80]

Blimey, Kate, think we are seriously at about the same stage in this! Had a long conversation last night with my LLC, as I felt as if I'm ready to eat now, despite being a stone and a bit off my target. Her suggestion was to revisit the target setting we did right at the beginning of this, and reassess it all from an 'adult' perspective, and see if it's still the right target. So, I'm spending this week doing just that, and think will re-read the green book to try to re-focus. And your idea about thought records seems a really good one.

I also made, what I now know was a massive mistake, in asking for advice from a couple of friends, who don't really understand the diet at all, or the fact that I don't care if they sit and eat in front of me; they seem to think that I can't go on nights out or for meals, and so can't wait for me to start eating and drinking. So much so, they both bought me a massive Easter Egg last weekend, which, even if I start RTM now, I wouldn't be able to eat any of for at least three months! So, I'm making this decision for me, and nobody else.

Kate, basically, keep on trucking - I know (now, I think) that I would regret it if I stopped now. Food will still be there in a couple of months. And we've done so many months of this, one or two extra isn't going to make that much difference, really. Good Luck x

 

[Kate78]

Thanks BL. I’m guessing that I need to start accepting the ‘comments’ from people. I’m going to come across even more toxic people as I approach my target weight. I guess that I need to flip it round and look at the positive. If people are going to be like that, it’s their issue, not mine and I should use my time to focus on myself and other friends as they aren’t worthy of my time & effort.
I'm going to do my thought records and just generally re-focus, I know that I can do this!

Hels – We’re like LL twins!! Although you have lost more than me, so you deserve a huge great pat on the back, you are doing completely fantastically and are so close now!

I would take what friends say with a pinch of salt, it sounds as though they are jealous. In their defence it must be hard for them seeing such a huge change in you. I spoke with one of my really close friends about it. She was really honest with me, we have been friends at school and everyone has always seen me as ‘the fat one’ people have been able to compensate for there own insecurities by thinking “Well Kate might have achieved x y & z that I haven’t, but she has an issue with food” Now that I’m tackling that it takes away that defence mechanism that they had. Also loosing the weight so quickly is giving them little time to adjust.

I’m going to keep plodding on, I’m so excited about the summer at my goal weight, it’s something that I don’t think that I could ever achieve if it wasn’t for LL, and is something that I have wanted for so long! I’m 30 at the end of October and my weight is really the only thing in my life that I’m unhappy with, I want to tackle it before that milestone.

My advice to you Hels (and it’s only my advice, you have to make up your own mind) is to keep on trucking with the abstinence for a bit longer. Your BMI at 25.6 isn’t quite ‘normal’ yet. For the few more weeks (yes 2 months is only 8 weeks, it’s not that long) you will need to go without food it’s not that long and the end results will be worth it, a really healthy and fantastic looking you. If you are really struggling then a couple of girls in my class are talking about ‘taking a break’ doing RTM and then coming back onto food packs for a month to loose another stone, I personally don’t think that that would be for me though, I think that I want to go into RTM at target weight and the foodpack days behind me.

Keep in touch and let us all know how your doing.

Kate x