Kate78
Full Member
I’m not sure if I should share this with the group, but I’m going to as wanted to try and sort of my emotions in my head and think that it helps to type it all out and think it through!
Yesterday I broke my abstinence. I had been thinking about it for days and had been planning it out. I decided that I should do it on a class night, so I could eat, get it out my system and get right back to the programme. I did this and this morning I’m determined to get straight back to it.
Now I was thinking about why it was so important to me to eat, I had been fantasising about eating for so long, for weeks I kept thinking about it and thinking about how much better things would be if I could eat, I would enjoy the food so much and it would taste fantastic and I wouldn’t feel like a social outcast…blah blah blah, I could go on for ages. I know that these are all crooked thoughts, but I couldn’t really get them out of my mind. I couldn’t though for complete want of trying get the thought of the food tasting fantastic out of my mind. I really wanted to taste it, to know that it wasn’t that great and to prove it to myself, so thought, “Sod it eat and then you will know”, which is what I did. I felt like I was going to throw up, my favourite food tasted not that nice, and I don’t really worry that much now about getting back onto my foodpacks until the end of May to loose my last 2 and a bit stone.
One of my main worries at the moment is that I’m finding it really tough now that I’m getting into a weight that I’ve never been before. I’m getting a lot of comments good and bad. One woman at the weekend said at football (in front of a huge group of my friends) “Are you trying to loose weight? I don’t know why you are bothering, you will just put the weight back on and more” I know that when I look at it rationally that she is just jealous but I’d still rather not be having to deal with comments like that. Also other people are being very complementary, which is great, but I just want to get on with it silently. I’m almost ashamed that I let myself get into a stage where I needed to loose so much weight, and the loss of control around it.
Some of my friends have a complete fascination with the diet quizzing me on the ins and outs of it, again I don’t really want to talk about it. One friend is starting LL tonight and I’m so excited for her, and looking forward to having another LL buddy, but none of my other friends or family (non-of which have a weight problem) understand the diet and keep telling me how stupid it is and how I will put the weight back on, make myself ill blah blah blah. It was all getting a bit much and I wanted to step back to normality. I think that the issue is that now I have lost so much weight that I can’t hide it to people, nor can I hide the extremeness of the programme when asked what I’ve done to loose it. I can’t explain to people how unhappy I was and how I was so out of control with my eating, as I know they won’t understand and I don’t feel comfortable trying to explain it.
Anyway, thank you for letting me share my thoughts with you all. I think that over the weekend, I’ll do some thought records around it all, try and get it all a bit more rational in my mind.
Yesterday I broke my abstinence. I had been thinking about it for days and had been planning it out. I decided that I should do it on a class night, so I could eat, get it out my system and get right back to the programme. I did this and this morning I’m determined to get straight back to it.
Now I was thinking about why it was so important to me to eat, I had been fantasising about eating for so long, for weeks I kept thinking about it and thinking about how much better things would be if I could eat, I would enjoy the food so much and it would taste fantastic and I wouldn’t feel like a social outcast…blah blah blah, I could go on for ages. I know that these are all crooked thoughts, but I couldn’t really get them out of my mind. I couldn’t though for complete want of trying get the thought of the food tasting fantastic out of my mind. I really wanted to taste it, to know that it wasn’t that great and to prove it to myself, so thought, “Sod it eat and then you will know”, which is what I did. I felt like I was going to throw up, my favourite food tasted not that nice, and I don’t really worry that much now about getting back onto my foodpacks until the end of May to loose my last 2 and a bit stone.
One of my main worries at the moment is that I’m finding it really tough now that I’m getting into a weight that I’ve never been before. I’m getting a lot of comments good and bad. One woman at the weekend said at football (in front of a huge group of my friends) “Are you trying to loose weight? I don’t know why you are bothering, you will just put the weight back on and more” I know that when I look at it rationally that she is just jealous but I’d still rather not be having to deal with comments like that. Also other people are being very complementary, which is great, but I just want to get on with it silently. I’m almost ashamed that I let myself get into a stage where I needed to loose so much weight, and the loss of control around it.
Some of my friends have a complete fascination with the diet quizzing me on the ins and outs of it, again I don’t really want to talk about it. One friend is starting LL tonight and I’m so excited for her, and looking forward to having another LL buddy, but none of my other friends or family (non-of which have a weight problem) understand the diet and keep telling me how stupid it is and how I will put the weight back on, make myself ill blah blah blah. It was all getting a bit much and I wanted to step back to normality. I think that the issue is that now I have lost so much weight that I can’t hide it to people, nor can I hide the extremeness of the programme when asked what I’ve done to loose it. I can’t explain to people how unhappy I was and how I was so out of control with my eating, as I know they won’t understand and I don’t feel comfortable trying to explain it.
Anyway, thank you for letting me share my thoughts with you all. I think that over the weekend, I’ll do some thought records around it all, try and get it all a bit more rational in my mind.