Hey fellow LT'ers.
I wanna start off by quickly adding that this first entry does contain some food mentionings, so if you'd rather not read that, feel free to skip away, otherwise, I warned you
I guess I'm a little late to the party in terms of starting one of these as I'm actually on week 2-day10.
My first week last week was simultaneously ok and the longest week ever; not so much because I was hungry or owt, but because I think I was so looking forward to it being over, that whole 'first week hurdle'. It was so hectic at the same time that I thought it would become easier, like a noise in the background, but it sort of added to the general craves etc. Firstly, I was offered an interview for a company in the UK, very late notice and had to be in the UK by friday for it. I flew over Friday morning, had the interview in the afternoon and spent the rest of friday, saturday and sunday morning with my OH who lives over there, and even though I heard on Monday that I did not get the job (apparently because I was 'too over qualified' and they didn't think there would be enough to keep me with the company long term. Errr, how about the prospect of having a permanant, well paid job? That ought to have done it! But nevermind...)
Anywaaaay....
The first week went by fine with only one diversion of half a plain dorito chip lol. Literally half. I blame it on early morning madness.
Then this tuesday gone I had my first weigh in and managed a superb 10lb loss. Which I was thrilled about as it took me to 286. The first time I've been below that annoying 10lb bracket of 290 for well over a year.
Now comes the madness, and like I say, i wouldn't hold it against you if you walked away by this point.
That evening I made the decision (yes, decision, i did think about it carefully) of going down to my fav chippy and getting Chips'n'cheese, a battered sausage and garlic mayo, a meal I had previously very much enjoyed.
Now let me tell you WHY I did this, because believe me, if you will, that this was pre-meditated and not just because I was peckish.
I wanted to see if I really wanted it, if the taste appealed to me (my palate is really persuasive, it cleanses very easy) and more importantly, if the craving for it was real based on taste or if it was a phantom type of thing. I also wanted to see how it felt to break from LT. I know this sounds like madness, but my logic to that last part was that I wanted to know badly if I could do it and just go, 'ah well, back on the horse', or if I would really beat myself up about it, thereby having the result that going forward i would remember EXACTLY how it felt to mess up and how bad it felt and not want to do it again.
You still with me?
Well guys, I'm happy to say that though the means were not ideal, the result was. I ate the chippy and felt nothing; no satisfaction, no feeling of 'ahhhh, thats better'. What I did feel was how much of a waste it was. The taste was nothing extrodinary like the memory of it was, I couldn't finish it all and I felt bloated, greasy and most important, GUILTY. It was a satisfied kind of guilt because it meant that actually, I don't want that stuff anymore, the taste is nothing special, it certainly doesn't give me any worthwhile nutrients and it, in short, simply wasn't worth it.
In fact, an hour after eating I could think of nothing better than going back to my faithful shakes and the power of control that they give me.
So all in all, I'm glad I did the 'experiment' but now I know. I'm a very logical kind of person, most times and for me to have that knowledge, that experience arms me better for the future whenever I feel myself losing grip.
I've stopped looking forward to food and the ritual I had with it.
Here comes the soppy bit I'm afraid.
For as long as I can remember I've been big but equally ashamed, something I don't think any kid should have any knowledge of until much older. I learned shame around the same time I learned how to spell my name.
I learned to associate food and eating with these feelings and from an age where i could get away with it I began to eat in secretly, never eating at school etc but instead saving my food until I could go home and be alone. I guess because I reasoned if no one ever saw me eat then they would be able to look past my size because they never saw the cause of it.
I became obsessive and in time this turned towards ritualistic eating. Never eating breakfast because it meant the rest of the day people would be able to see the food on me, always eating at certain times, never eating and traveling, always smoking before eating to let the food cool and then again after eating to get the taste from my mouth like it never happened, preparing food in a certain way and then deconstructing the plate (with toast, I lick all the butter from around the sides, then nibbled off the crust right side onwards, each side no more than 3 bites-i got really upset when given larger slices-, then prying off the butter side with my nails so I had 1 butter side, one under-crust, which I ate first, then I would fold over the butter side twice and eat, then the 2nd slice would be the same except I roll the butter side up.) Every kind of food had something like this and food I didn't have a ritual for would be avoided at all costs. Meaning I've basically lived off 10 different kinds of meals for 15years at least. Until of course in 2008 when I stopped eating altogether and developed an eating disorder that put me in hospital.
Believe me, it goes on and on.
Anyway, I say none of the above for dramatic effect, only because I need to have it out there for me to read back on from time to time. If I were reading that from someone else, I imagine my reaction would be 'god, what a freak!', and thats kinda the point, because in a nutshell thats exactly what I am with food.
What LT is doing for me is a twofer as far as I'm concerned; not only is it helping me lose the weight that makes me so miserable, it is helping me break a repetitive cycle of love-hate, destruction and an overall disgustingly unhealthy relationship with food.
I've known this for years, of course, but never before have I been able to go through a day without thinking of my next 'fix', which is what the ritual was for me. Now, i can get up, go about my day knowing i dont need to plan it around food. I can look at food objectively and see it as fuel. A seductive fuel, but one that I can take or leave; but when the results are so obvious, why would I take it? It makes no sense to the logical side of me and thus it must be discarded.
And so, fellow LT'ers, now you know what kind of freak you have amongst you, but isn't it better to be honest with you and myself?
I promise, my following posts will NOT be so gruelling, or so much of an essay. It feels good to get that off my chest.
I wanna start off by quickly adding that this first entry does contain some food mentionings, so if you'd rather not read that, feel free to skip away, otherwise, I warned you
I guess I'm a little late to the party in terms of starting one of these as I'm actually on week 2-day10.
My first week last week was simultaneously ok and the longest week ever; not so much because I was hungry or owt, but because I think I was so looking forward to it being over, that whole 'first week hurdle'. It was so hectic at the same time that I thought it would become easier, like a noise in the background, but it sort of added to the general craves etc. Firstly, I was offered an interview for a company in the UK, very late notice and had to be in the UK by friday for it. I flew over Friday morning, had the interview in the afternoon and spent the rest of friday, saturday and sunday morning with my OH who lives over there, and even though I heard on Monday that I did not get the job (apparently because I was 'too over qualified' and they didn't think there would be enough to keep me with the company long term. Errr, how about the prospect of having a permanant, well paid job? That ought to have done it! But nevermind...)
Anywaaaay....
The first week went by fine with only one diversion of half a plain dorito chip lol. Literally half. I blame it on early morning madness.
Then this tuesday gone I had my first weigh in and managed a superb 10lb loss. Which I was thrilled about as it took me to 286. The first time I've been below that annoying 10lb bracket of 290 for well over a year.
Now comes the madness, and like I say, i wouldn't hold it against you if you walked away by this point.
That evening I made the decision (yes, decision, i did think about it carefully) of going down to my fav chippy and getting Chips'n'cheese, a battered sausage and garlic mayo, a meal I had previously very much enjoyed.
Now let me tell you WHY I did this, because believe me, if you will, that this was pre-meditated and not just because I was peckish.
I wanted to see if I really wanted it, if the taste appealed to me (my palate is really persuasive, it cleanses very easy) and more importantly, if the craving for it was real based on taste or if it was a phantom type of thing. I also wanted to see how it felt to break from LT. I know this sounds like madness, but my logic to that last part was that I wanted to know badly if I could do it and just go, 'ah well, back on the horse', or if I would really beat myself up about it, thereby having the result that going forward i would remember EXACTLY how it felt to mess up and how bad it felt and not want to do it again.
You still with me?
Well guys, I'm happy to say that though the means were not ideal, the result was. I ate the chippy and felt nothing; no satisfaction, no feeling of 'ahhhh, thats better'. What I did feel was how much of a waste it was. The taste was nothing extrodinary like the memory of it was, I couldn't finish it all and I felt bloated, greasy and most important, GUILTY. It was a satisfied kind of guilt because it meant that actually, I don't want that stuff anymore, the taste is nothing special, it certainly doesn't give me any worthwhile nutrients and it, in short, simply wasn't worth it.
In fact, an hour after eating I could think of nothing better than going back to my faithful shakes and the power of control that they give me.
So all in all, I'm glad I did the 'experiment' but now I know. I'm a very logical kind of person, most times and for me to have that knowledge, that experience arms me better for the future whenever I feel myself losing grip.
I've stopped looking forward to food and the ritual I had with it.
Here comes the soppy bit I'm afraid.
For as long as I can remember I've been big but equally ashamed, something I don't think any kid should have any knowledge of until much older. I learned shame around the same time I learned how to spell my name.
I learned to associate food and eating with these feelings and from an age where i could get away with it I began to eat in secretly, never eating at school etc but instead saving my food until I could go home and be alone. I guess because I reasoned if no one ever saw me eat then they would be able to look past my size because they never saw the cause of it.
I became obsessive and in time this turned towards ritualistic eating. Never eating breakfast because it meant the rest of the day people would be able to see the food on me, always eating at certain times, never eating and traveling, always smoking before eating to let the food cool and then again after eating to get the taste from my mouth like it never happened, preparing food in a certain way and then deconstructing the plate (with toast, I lick all the butter from around the sides, then nibbled off the crust right side onwards, each side no more than 3 bites-i got really upset when given larger slices-, then prying off the butter side with my nails so I had 1 butter side, one under-crust, which I ate first, then I would fold over the butter side twice and eat, then the 2nd slice would be the same except I roll the butter side up.) Every kind of food had something like this and food I didn't have a ritual for would be avoided at all costs. Meaning I've basically lived off 10 different kinds of meals for 15years at least. Until of course in 2008 when I stopped eating altogether and developed an eating disorder that put me in hospital.
Believe me, it goes on and on.
Anyway, I say none of the above for dramatic effect, only because I need to have it out there for me to read back on from time to time. If I were reading that from someone else, I imagine my reaction would be 'god, what a freak!', and thats kinda the point, because in a nutshell thats exactly what I am with food.
What LT is doing for me is a twofer as far as I'm concerned; not only is it helping me lose the weight that makes me so miserable, it is helping me break a repetitive cycle of love-hate, destruction and an overall disgustingly unhealthy relationship with food.
I've known this for years, of course, but never before have I been able to go through a day without thinking of my next 'fix', which is what the ritual was for me. Now, i can get up, go about my day knowing i dont need to plan it around food. I can look at food objectively and see it as fuel. A seductive fuel, but one that I can take or leave; but when the results are so obvious, why would I take it? It makes no sense to the logical side of me and thus it must be discarded.
And so, fellow LT'ers, now you know what kind of freak you have amongst you, but isn't it better to be honest with you and myself?
I promise, my following posts will NOT be so gruelling, or so much of an essay. It feels good to get that off my chest.
