* Diary of my life and my quest to be slim again and to beat my choccie habit *

[kaynnate19]

Hi, so this is my first attempt at trying to keep a diary and I'm going to try and write a couple of times a week and I'll try not to have a moan off too much! lol.

Ever since a traumatic pregnancy, my like for chocolate turned into complete addiction and i comfort ate to the max and ended up putting on around 5 stone going from a size 6-8 to a 14 and then I lost some of my baby weight, then unfortunately I developed a few medical problems (pcos, endometriosis, liver problems) and my back pain turned into a nightmare and having these medical probems meant I was put on lots of different medications which made me put on weight and twinned with me comfort eating just made everything worse. I also have bipolar which doesn't help my eating when my moods change.

So in 2010 I decided that I needed help to loose weight and I joined sw and lost 8lb but i lost that by loosing and gaining although back then I was drinking full fat cola and basically what i wanted and binging regularly tbh I didn't really understand sw, I then joined rc and found i'd put on the 8lb and more and again I only lost about 6lbs I found this diet way too restrictive and promptly left that! I then joined ww and gain due to me still binging regularly I woud loose a 1lb then gain 2lb loose 1 1/2lb and again i had put on any weight i lost i had put back on and more, so i joined sw again and didnt stick at it and so i joined back with ww Nov 2011 and again i didnt start properly until Jan 2 2012 and this year i ended up being 14st9lb at my heaviest and i stopped drinking the full fat cola and was so determind and during this time my moods were up which helped alot and was exercising and i lost 9lb over about 3 months and then again my weight started fluctuating and i have been loosing and gaining the same 4lbs for the last few months and also i found that i would be working my butt off and only earning 1pp and in the end i found that so disheartening so i decided to go back to sw and the same thing has been happening but recently my choccie addiction has come back and bitten me on the butt big time! Anyway this is my weightloss journey over the last 2 years.


So i have 1 year to try to loose all or most of my weight which is a tall order but im going on holiday next august and there is no way i am going to look like i did in my last years holidays and also i am hoping to go to uni so i want to have my eating and binging under control and be making good food choices so that basically my weight and eating is one less thing for me to worry about and also i hope that my pcos will improve.


So I'm hoping that this diary will help me figure out my trigger times and then hopefully i can learn to stop my binging and comfort eating. FINGERS CROSSED

If anyone has read my post...thanks for reading

 

[kaynnate19]

So today has not been a good day again, I've just felt really depressed about everything and in turn this has affected my eating and my consumption of chocolate and for some strange reason chicken flavoured crisps! I even tried to do some crochetting which is something i've taken up in hope of distracting myself from wanting to eat naughty things but that didnt work, i cleaned and that didnt work so in the end i gave in...did and do i feel good after eating it, no i feel disgusted, angry, sad and disheartend that i lost control of my eating AGAIN :cry:Why do i do it?! I think the problem with food started when i was pregnant i had some traumatic stuff happen and i think i used food as a means of trying to control something in my life. But why cant i change my ways for good now?? I seem to get a bit of control and then go off the rails spectacularly again this happens when i get a change in my emotions...maybe i need to get more control over my emotions and my eating will follow suit?? Who knows but ill try and control my emotions better and see what happens.

 

[kaynnate19]

Very happy today as i weighed myself and i stayed the same!! Im so pleased especially as its been a baaaaad week again and my hormones are up the creak.

Today me and my son are having a roast pork dinner sw stylee yum

 

[kaynnate19]

Hmmmm to food diary or not to food diary...that is the question. I am nervous about posting a food diary i think because maybe it will mean facing up to how bad things have been. One to definitely think about.

 

[kaynnate19]

So last night i had a bit of a breakthrough, late last night certain things started to worry me big time, these things had just popped into my head and i haven't thought about them for a long time anyway, now for the breakthrough bit...i recognised that i wanted to start eating because i was stressed! It didn't complet ely stop me from eating, i did still eat but it wasnt as much as what i would usually eat under those circumstances and most of the stuff i did eat was free and i ate a couple more freddos but normally i would finish the whole packet and this time i didn't Wohoooo. Now for today to be a good day, i'm going to try my best.

I also started a food diary yesterday so im going to try and stick to that, because it was in the night where would i post the things i ate? hmmmm.

 

[kaynnate19]

So today i lost 2lb and i should be bouncing off the walls but ive woke up feeling down and irritable damn my emotions.


Lastnight i mindlessly ate a small mars bar, i dont know why i just wish i had've stopped myself and said do you really want this but by the time i did in the end think about it there was no mars bar anymore:break_diet:

 

[kaynnate19]

So Ive decided that if i go over by a few syns for a while but im trying my best its better than how i have been which is going over them by a mile, then as i get used to it then i can cut them down bit by bit basically so as i dont notice the syns going down! I know it will slow my weightloss down but i think it would be better for me to do things gradually. Now i think thats a plan, but i wont be going mad, just about 3-4 syns, then as i said cout it down gradually til i get to 15 syns a day.

 

[kaynnate19]

So these past few days i have been doing alot of soul searching and trying to address problems from the past that i thought i had dealt with or at least put in a box in my head and put it to the back of my head, but bit by bit these problems resurface a bite me on the butt and they affect me like they happend yesterday. :cry:

Athought came into my head lastnight that i dont think i deserve to have a healthy body, i dont deserve to be happy, i dont deserve to look good and im wondering if i keep putting bad stuff into my body i.e. bad food because im still punishing myself for things thatwerent my fault and that i didnt have any control over.


Sorry for the deep post, i just needed to get this off my chest...

 

[kaynnate19]

So as I said in my food diary yesterday was a complete write off! I had a kfc, krispy kreme doughnut, x3 terrys chocolate orange bars, x2 freddos and this morning I had the other doughnut! Although I soooo enjoyed I do feel rather guilty now though, but I'm gna draw a line under it and start again tomorrow and hopefully the damage won't be too bad when I wi in Tuesday :s