Hi guys! Not really sure why I'm posting this here. Think I just need to offload a bit. Yesterday I found my fiancé of 4 years has been sending indecent messages to about 6 different women. Im shocked and hurt and just don't know what to do. He says these women are from the past and he's not met up with any of them although arrangements were made with one of them. He even told one he loved them. I basically didn't exist to these women and he was single.
We had a baby boy 5 months ago so I don't feel like I can leave. I grew up without my parents together (my dad left my mum for another woman) and don't want that for my boy. I can't tell my friends or family what has gone on as I'm embarrassed and sickened by it plus it would create ill feeling. Like I said not sure why I've posted here, I suppose it's a bit of sympathy I'm after! Xx
I feel so strongly for you. I do not know you but I wish I lived around the corner from you to be able to help you with more than words on a screen.
I went through something similar in the early tears of my first marriage. I found photos of my husband in a state of undress with different women, some were so explicit I very nearly vomited. I n those days there were no mobile phones or computers . It was the 60's. He had joined a club that was for "abnormal" sexual perversions.
My world had ended. Ours son was 6 years old. On that occasion after lots of very deep thought and consulting people who were experts in such matters, I decided that for the sake of our son I would carry on with the marriage. We even moved house.
On another 4 occasions I found out he was cheating. He even confessed to being unfaithful most Friday nights on his "lads" night out. It cleansed his conscience but did nothing for me.
Call me stupid, call me what you want but in those days you stayed together for your children and for the "family name". I stayed for to many horrendous years. Lovemaking was a farce. I felt I could be anyone he was in bed with.
When our son went to University and I discovered once again he had been unfaithful I left him. By this time he had become physically violent too.
A year later our son asked me why I hadn't left his father earlier in the marriage. I explained it was because I wanted him to grow up with both parents. He then shocked me by explaining that growing up had been dreadful for him and that he would have been much happier with just one parent.
As most folks on here know I met and married my present husband 28 years ago, we have been married 27 years this week. He is wonderful.
The reason I have told you all of this is because I think you should think so hard and so carefully before you commit yourself and your baby to a life of misery. I believed my ex husband's promises to me and wish I had left him after giving him the first chance and him letting me down again and again.
It is something that can not be undertaken lightly and I understand you wanting to make it work........you love him but please, please have a contingency plan if things go wrong.
I really hope for your sake that it does work out and that you can cope with knowing what he has done.
Big, big hugs and lots of love xxxxxxx
Thanks for the replies. He deleted all the numbers from his phone yesterday and says he's going to change his phone number. He's also removed the lock off his phone. He says he does it because it's something wrong with him, like a self destruct. He is going to see a councillor for it today at work. I can't trust him and I've told him this but he wants to try and make it work and has said it won't happen again and he's glad I found the messages so we can do something about it. I'm just feeling very confused.
He is showing some remorse but as has been said you must check that this is in effect what is happening. Do not be afraid of checking up on him. You have to protect yourself.
I have very strong views on this to be honest, I know someone who was with a bloke who was cheating and every time she found evidence his response was to delete the message and number... as if deleting the evidence stopped it from happening.
However, you do have a lot invested in him and if he is willing to go and see someone for help, then maybe the right thing for you to do would be to give him another chance. See how he gets on ect. but my advice would be if anything happens again then get rid. At least then you'll know you did everything you could to make it work.
Brilliant, sensible reply , very well put !!
More hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx