Floss - Go Hard or Go Home!

[floss]

Hey everyone, I hate to think how many diaries I have started on here so forgive me!

Iv been in bed pretty much for two weeks straight now with a very bad case of tonsillitis, still sounding like a barking seal but it's given me a chance to seriously think about my life and my weight. It's confirmed my decision to drop out of uni to try and pursue my dream which is very very scary but it's kind of now or never. And it's made me realise just how much food and weight has RUINED my life over the past 6+ years. In all this I also found out my ex (first love) is now with someone else, and after the way he treated me it has made me royally p****d off because I feel like if anyone deserves to be happy with someone else it's me! But I guess I just have to remember karma does it's thing! I won't lie and say it hasn't hurt me, it's been almost a year and i'd only just sort of accepted it's over so this is hard.

BUT, as with everything else, i'm strong, and incredibly grateful for what he put me through as I'm a better person for it. Now I just need to sort my weight. I need a plan but I don't have one, as soon as I make a plan I find a way to ruin it, convinced it isn't right. As I'm trying to get better I can't exercise atm either or do anything too radical, but all this time means I can try and get my head straight. All I know is I have been given a huge wake up call (I have never been so poorly) and a huge whack of motivation (ex) at the same time, so i'm hoping I can use this wisely. Either way, I need to be here for the long haul or I will never make it happen. Go hard or go home!

It's nice to have somewhere to ramble, and whatever happens with me it always comes back to calories, so here we go.

 

[floss]

Woke up very late today, few cups of tea with semi and sweeteners and an alright dinner of salmon, frozen veggies and cheese sauce made from melted laughing cal triangles mixed with water. The sauce was odd but edible, would be much better with philly I think!



Feeling pretty crappy, tired of doing nothing now and annoyed that I can't get my ex out of my head. It just seems so surreal. Would kill for some chocolate right now too. Lately it feels as though I will never have the will power to actually properly do something and get to goal. Someone switch my thoughts off for me? x

 

[floss]

Yesterday, as with the two previous days wasn't great, probably hit 2000 and didnt get to sleep till 5am. My brother then walked in at 12.00pm (havnt seen him for 2 months) with chocolate which was lovely but am now very tired! Today has been okay, currently on 900ish cals, had a slip early evening and ate two kinder maxi chocolates but logged them anyway and had some soup to fill me up..guess i'm learning that as long it's counted it's allowed!

Iv got a long day of work training tomorrow which Im slightly worried about as im still poorly and overtired, but it's really important to get me more work and it will be nice to get out of the house! I'll probably just grab a banana then get a low cal soundwich when im there, just wish I had a flask to take some tea! All in all, im in a weird place right now, im just trying to get through each day without binging and i'm doing okay compared to a month ago. My head is a mess because my life is so upside down and I STILL can't get my ex off my mind, but i guess that will just take time.

Today:

Tea x 3 - 75

50g oats - 180
100 ml semi skimmed - 50
Splenda - 2

Banana - 121

Kinder maxi x2 - 236

Carrot and coriander soup - 216

= 880

 

[floss]

Fab day training today, so much fun! Spent ages making my dinner tho and it turned out to be pretty gross..oh well! Also my dad has bought me a massive easter egg, to go with the chocolates from my brother plus a large bag of minstrels! Wahhh total 900 x

 

[floss]

Helloo, slowly plodding along here on my own it seems!

I find that if I start too low and stick to that I won't be able to go higher as il be afraid of gaining and then il quit because the calories are too low, (silly brain!) so I'm going to really aim to hit that 1200 mark today. Iv never really done this, not in this way before. Iv calorie counted in this way that I can have anything but only let myself get to 850, or im done 1200 but restricted to only veg, fish etc, so this is a little daunting for me as Im more likely to slash my calories to a stupid amount for a few weeks to get a quick drop then binge binge it all back...iv never done it sensibly! But I have so many changes and things going on right now that I cant afford to eat bad as I will get very ill again, and I can't afford to eat stupidly as its not worth my sanity! Plus I dont have the time to waste on feeling hungry and miserable!

So althought it's scary for me, im just going for 1200...thats it. No gimmicks, no massive exercise plan, no charts, no banned food, just trying to get through each day and hope the weight is coming off. Dad's crappy mechanical scales came in at just over ten, I was 11.2 two months ago on a cambridge consultant's super modern ones so im hoping this is accurate-ish as It's nice to have some idea! Id love to be at 9 in a months time but not sure if that's too steep. My lowest adult weight was last summer at 9.8 so cannot wait to get there and then keep going!

Anyway, ramble over...still trying to sort my life out!

 

[floss]

Emotions were all over the place today and i considered binging a few times. Some of this was down to boredom, some to stress and some to ex emotions again, just need to learn to deal with it in a different way but I know that wont happen overnight. Was on 900 this evening so have bumped up 1000 with some ryvitas and cheese. Saw some more pictures of the ex and new gf and to be honest Im really struggling right now and want to eat everything...but then why should I sabotage myself like that when he has already had the last year of my life for pain. The hurt has gone for the most part, but it just makes me so sad still that he threw it all away. It's been a year and it still astounds me that I am not with him.

 

[lucydoherty]

Here to follow! You're doing great!

 

[floss]

Thanks

Struggling a little today with plain old boredom. Im at home for easter but my dad has gone to his gf till monday so im home alone with his dogs till then...the food is staring at me! On the plus side though im really getting in to logging on mfp..like obsessively...infact whenever I get to use the barcode scanner I get a bit excited...SUCH A GEEK!

Was quite tired this morning from jumping up and down for a while last night to terrible music (had to get the stress out somehow!) but it was that or eat so im proud of myself

Was at 1000 yesterday but I still think i should be at 1200 if im doing this properly, no matter what my stupid 800 calorie loving brain (and my friends!) tell me...it's scary but I need to try. I could just eat chocolate but then god knows what the guilt will be, and im scared after years of stupid dieting I just wont lose on 1200...guess ill just have to do it and find out!

 

[lucydoherty]

Hi,

What height are you? 800 is waaaay too low, couldn't survive on that! I have 1400 cals a day and have lost 30 pounds so far in 6 months (am 5'6, 10st 5). Want to lose another stone and then start maintenance. I found 1200 ok for a few days but low overall.

You'd go into starvation mode at 800. Just not worth it. Did it before and nearly got sick!

I'm a classic yoyo dieter, was at 9st 4 at my lowest. It's like a switch goes off in my brain when I feel slim and then I just binge all the weight back on!

Never again!

I'll always have to calorie count- it's me and my little notebook for life!

 

[floss]

I'm 5'5. I know logically that it is a stupid amount but after years of doing like 300-500 with 800 being the absolute max it's difficult to re-program to a healthy number! Thats why im aiming for 1200 as I know that that is okay, just taking me a couple of days to get there! Im exactly the same, been dieting for around ten years as I binge it back on too!

Do you do a lot of exercise? You're weight loss is fab!

 

[lucydoherty]

I've actually done not much at all. Aim to do more after Easter as have a really bad virus the last couple of weeks.

I always find my weight loss is quite slow to start off with and then is quite steady.

Can't believe you functioned on 300-500! I would collapse!!! Suppose you have to have room to move around with cals too. If you begin low, you won't have anywhere to go with.

Do what feels best. 800 cals a day wouldn't give you energy for exercise.

How do you find cal counting? I love it!! It's what has always worked for me!

 

[floss]

I couldnt really function on it to be honest...iv done some pretty stupid things in the past which has affected me mentally quite badly. Whenever I go too low now it's like a switch goes off and my depression rears it's ugly head! Thats why im trying to get up to 1200 asap as I know ten days or so in on 800/900 that will happen and ruin everything quite rightly! I want to do this for me now so I need to be able to sustain it! Quick weight loss isnt worth my physical or mental health anymore

 

[floss]

Well, yesterday was again 1000. I even planned in a chocolate bar from my easter egg to get my calories up but I couldn't eat it, I just knew it would either make me feel horribly guilty or make me binge...need to work on this! It's actually ridiculous, iv been eating thousands of calories binging on junk for months and now I cant get up to 1200?! I'm scared. When iv been in "dieting mode" before it's always about doing it as fast as possible, which is why im finding it so hard. BUT, I want to add exercise soon and 1000 isnt going to cut it if im doing this PROPERLY so im gunna have to get these cals up!

On a positive not, iv been eating breakfast and most days lunch as well as in the evening which is huge for me, maybe thats why I feel less inclined to binge in the evening? I hope so!

Goal for today is to eat 1200 and not freak out and binge/weigh/get angry i havnt dropped two stone yet!

 

[lucydoherty]

Hi

I used to be like that with choc...not anymore! Ha! I've taken today and tomorrow off for Easter and back on the wagon on Monday!!

You're doing great, just be a little gentler with yourself. The weight comes on slowly and it will go too. I must have lost 10 stone through yoyoing and this time around, at the heaviest I've ever been, 12st 7, I wanted it off ASAP but its amazing how the weeks go on and my shape started changing. It helps mentally too. Easy does it!

It's a marathon, not a race!

Happy Easter!

I'm mentally blocking out all the cals I'm about to consume!!

 

[floss]

Haha enjoy yourself!

Just keep on telling myself today "marathon not a sprint - marathon not a sprint - marathon not a sprint"....!!

My brain is stupid...im getting to 1200 today and its scaring me...idiot brain! Did a mini workout today as I was about to stuff my face...this ex stuff is hitting me hard ARG.

 

[Agent Shagwell]

Hi Floss. I agree with lucy...be gentle with yourself. And take into account that you have had a shock and it's OK to be feeling however you're feeling. However, you also know the signs of something that is possibly 'not quite right', so I feel I should ask - have you ever sought help for an eating disorder? Maybe some professional help would be good, to assist you in feeling better about eating more healthy amounts. I wish you well and you're doing well, just by being here and exploring these issues. Take care, take your time and look after yourself, mmkay? :heartpump:

 

[floss]

Naww that was such a lovely post supergroovy...(that sounds horrifically patronising but I actually mean it, made me smile)

In answer to your question, yes I have, about 5 years ago now I was given hypnotherepy which helped for a while, iv also been on anti-depressents as a result. Id just like to say though that when im not trying to lose weight I am perfectly capable of eating plenty it's just that my brain is so used to thinking "weight loss time-better stop eating" that it's a bit of a struggle to get into the healthy numbers. I'm getting there though, and I havnt binged in around a month which is a HUGE step

Now it's just all about learning to understand that bad day does not mean 3000 calorie binge! I think im getting there, I feel different than I have before, like im sort of realising why I think the way I do and why I react in certain ways...all good self discovery!

One day at a time x

 

[floss]

I've been a person that understands the power of the mind a little more than others I think, especially since iv suffered with depression, experienced hypnotherapy and I think iv always been a lot more aware of my mind and mental state than some of the people around me. But this morning really scared the hell out of me and im still a little freaked. I basically had a dream starting from visiting my ex, to a long conversation with him about why he hurt me so much (I never got this, I had a phonecall and never saw him again-Iv always felt i need the closure of face to face) to talking about his new gf, to us being around friends and it almost being like it used to be. I woke up and I was shocked to remember it has been a few weeks shy of a year since the break up, and I cannot explain the relief I felt when I remembered that! It's still hard, and this new gf revelation HAS set me back a little but my goodness I have come SUCH a long way. Id rather not dream about him at all, that had stopped too (I wasnt thinking of him or anything) but it's nice to know my mind is strong and trying to work things out! It's been a YEAR, I am over him, I just need to remember that. I am losing this weight for me, not to shove it in his face because as much as that would be an amazing feeling I don't think I will ever see him again. I will meet someone new when the time is right and as my new picture says...today I will be happy!

:superwoman::happy096::happy036::girlpower::bliss:

 

[Agent Shagwell]

I'm glad you're OK :heartpump: You're right, you will meet someone lovely when the time is right. In the meantime, you're showing yourself lots of love by getting back your physical and emotional clarity and focusing on meeting your own needs. Awesome sauce :character00180: Yay and go you!! rincess:

 

[floss]

Slept in late today, had loads of little things to do and then was out the door at 3 to go to work (im a djish) and didnt get home till midnight...had literally no time for food! I LOVE busy days like this but it means im only on 850 for the day and it's 1.30am! Oh well, i had porridge before I left, diet coke, tea and ryvitas with laughing cow extra light in my car and a hot cross bun, hot choc and a yoghurt just now...It does worry me a little that all im consuming is carbs and I should probably up my protein but to be honest the fact im eating almost nrmally is pretty damn amazing so one goal at a time I guess!