getting there day by day!

sassey50kg

sassey50kg

determined to be thin!
Hello all,

I have decided to start this diary as I dont really have anyone I can talk to about my weight problems. It doesnt really matter if nobody reads this, but I feel I need this extra motivation and outlet to moan and hopefully celebrate my fantastic weight loss!!!

Brief history=

Always been slightly cubby as a child (though of course, looking back, nowhere as chubby as I thought I was) I am mixed race (in a v white area) and grew massive boobs before anyone else at school, so always felt left out, even though I was popular.
Food was my best friend before too long, and in many ways still is. It makes me fat, unhealthy, a loner, depressed and disgusted with myself, but it is always there for me, rain or shine.

I have been trapped (prob by choice) by eating disorders for the last 10 yrs 1st anorexia, then bulimia, now binge eating. Reading text books on the subject, this is a well documented pattern, so maybe I am on the last 'leg' and soon will emerge as 'cured'. Who knows, atm I just wannna lose weight. I feel I cant get 'better', but maybe I can be slim.

This all sounds suitably miserable doesnt it!!! But actually on the surface I have a good life, I just feel that I am not living it properly til I am slim. I am scared of the unknown, I bury my head in the sand alot (read 'sand' as cakes!) to avoid just about everything. I am completely over sensitive about everything, this makes me selfish and constantly needing reassurance from my best buddy food.

I have tried CD before and only stuck out 10 days before giving in. The time was not right, but this time I have a real opportunity to give it a proper go. I have been restarting every mon for a few weeks now (my cdc must think I am a real muppet!) but I am always telling myself, 1 more day of binging wont hurt. Well the buck stops here.

I figure that having 68lbs of excess baggage should take aprox 154 days of CD and so for the next 154 days I pledge to weigh-in and muse over any thoughts, difficulties and truimphs.

I am so pleased for everyone who has lost so much weight with CD, it really would be a privilege and an remarkable achievement to join you.

xxx
 
Hi and :welcome:Sassey,
"It doesnt really matter if nobody reads this".......it does matter and I'm sure others will be along soon to also say we will read this and respond and support you:hug99:
This is a great community...consider yourself among friends!
Good luck on your journey!

Look forwars to hearing more from you!
X
 
Day 1 of 154.
67 1/2 lbs to go.

Morning all, thanks for your kind words prettyfacebut and Elieen.

Just woke up (I work 1 week on, 1 week off) weighed in (naked and after a pee:whistle: of course!) am 12 stone 11 and a half lbs. I hope to get down to 8 stone which is 20 bmi, because that means i can actually wear all of my clothes in my wardrobe, not just the greying black stretchy size 16 section at the front.

My blinking cat has just dribbled on my keyboard! what is it with cats and paperwork/computers?
So, today is the start, at the moment if I can get safely back in bed by 11pmish not having binged (I can never just break a diet- I have to destroy it!) I will be really chuffed.

That is the reason why I need this diary, to record and celebrate my small successes. I have got friends and family, but I am too embrassed to talk to them about it, they can see I have a prob with my weight as I move from size 8-16 in 3 yrs, but we never really bring it up ( I am the elephant in the room !:giggle:) My boyfriend knows all about my prob. but even after 5 yrs and going to see countless cousellers/therapists he still says to me, 'Just eat less and exercise loads'. Which i know makes complete sense, but if it was that easy doesnt he think I would be slim by now?

But we did go away for a wedding in cardiff last weekend and went clothes shopping on sat morn, I saw a lovely jacket in Reiss that 'in the old slim days' would have been exactly my style (although i might not have been able to justify the money!) he spotted it as well, and as we were looking at it he said that he would buy it for me, something to aim for. I was really shocked (he is normally a tight-arse when it comes to presents and he has never bought me anything when it has not been my b'day etc) I was also really chuffed that he believed I could do it, but told him that we had better come back when I get down to a size 10 cos I wasnt sure what size I would need. (and i have big boobs when i am slim and clothes dont always fit well). So I have my target and a prize to aim for too!!!
have a good day all xx
 
Hello

Hi Sassey

I have just posted a new thread and then read yours. I wish you so much good luck with your journey. I am re-starting yet again today and have asked for advice on getting past the first month!!

So far I have had a banana shake and a pint of water and two cups of tea!! However, I think I binged on enough carbs yesterday to last me a week!!

Good luck again - I will keep reading your posts :)
 
Hi Sassy
What you wrote about not living properly ‘til you are slim really struck a chord with me because that is also something that I am guilty of doing. I’m so glad you wrote that because it really made me think. This is day 2 on CD for me and I was getting thoughts of giving up already, but now I have a new determination to start living my life to the absolute fullest as soon as possible, and with CD that could be really soon. Good luck and I will continue to read your diary and see your progress.
Daydreamz
 
Day 1 Finished!!!!! :innocent0002:

Well yesterday was a great start, although I completely forgot how tired I get on CD. I am informed (from reading others posts) that this doesnt last and soon I will be full of energy, so looking forward to that! I was so glad to go to bed, watched good old D.Housewives, they r all so skinny!!!!
Me and Bf went over our diaries to work out when I can go out again (sometime mid-Aug! No probs :eek:) but I find that if I have wedding or such other event I get so worked up about how fat i am gonna look that i binge eat even more- I know screw loose!
So i have managed to persuade him that I dont want to go to any 'eating' events, I dont mind going to the pub cos I will just have my sp. water with ice and pretend its a G&T or say that I am driving. (what has it all come to?)
Today I only managed to drink 1 ltr of water (usually I have 3 lts) so that might be a factor as to why I am cream-crakered, I just couldnt stomach it, I dont know why, but no headaches so alls ok.
PS My Bf has already commented that my breath honks, and has asked when this will go, I told him in a week or so, I didnt have the heart to tell him the truth!!!

Day 2 started with a weigh-in 12st 10lbs.
I know I shouldnt weigh everyday, but its a habit when I am dieting, so that I can watch those numbers and remind myself that not eating anything works!
I have to confess that I do drink 2 cups of tea a day (with semi-skimmed milk!) :busted:. I know we are not allowed, but I have to rebel somehow and I am not sure I can live without tea.

Have just found out that there is a works do on Friday 4th April that I dont think I can wriggle out of, may just have to bite the bullet and go, not sure yet..... I really find it hard to go to these things anyway, and it will mess up the diet, but its quite important.... not sure :sigh:.
anyway laters! x
 
Day 3 = WI: 12 st 8 and a quarter lbs
152 days to go.

Hello all, have spent 2 days on the CD wagon! I am so pleased with myself, I know its not much of an achievement but to me is great. I am actually in a pretty good mood too. Does anyone else find that they get depressed on CD? I definatley do, but as i havent ever made it past 10days, I cant tell if its permanent on this diet. :jelous:
I am at work at the moment, I work as a residential carer (one week on, one week off). Its for a lady who doesnt really need much help apart from shopping and cooking her meals etc, so its kind of like baby-sitting in that its really easy and I can sit on my butt watching DVDs after she has gone to bed (which is about 9pm). Nice work if you can get it!:)
The problem is it is soooo boring at times, and I am stuck in the house with her all day and night (although I can go out in the afternnoons for a couple of hrs for a walk/go shopping etc).
I have also got my laptop and my mobile so I am not completely isolated, but it is about 1hrs drive away from home, so I cant go home in my break.
On the plus side: The lady is lovely and so are her family, the house is nice and warm (v important when you are on CD! :)) and I get to earn enough in 1 week (cos i get paid for the nights too) so I dont have to work on my week off.
The real problem with the job is that she has cupboards full of choc, biscuits, cakes. A fridge full of lovely food and ice cream in the freezer (not the best situation for someone like me!)
So you can imagine what normally happens, I totally pig out when I am here, so its really important to keep remembering what is really important.
I had a peek at myself in a full-length mirror this morning in my undies:eek: I still cant believe that is me staring back in the mirror! I am MASSIVE! I think still in my head I am size 10, so when I look in the mirror/photos I am genuinely surprised out how big I am. In the past I would have been so upset and cried my heart out if I put on a pound, but now I am just kind of fascinated at how different my body is 5 stone fatter. I cant believe that it is me, all those rolls and dimples. I cant believe that i used to be so fit and active whereas now I rarely do any exercise. My legs look like the legs of hams you see hanging in the butchers!!!
I do wonder how I mananged to put on so much weight, even though I know a binge all the time, you think I would have had a wake-up call before I put on 5 stone.
BUT, the great thing about being big is that when you lose weight is really shows quickly, I cant wait til I feel slim enough to go swimming again, I think around 10 stone I should feel confident to get back in the pool. At 9 stone I am going to go horse-riding again (I refuse to buy new boots, jodphurs etc cos I cant fit into them!)
well I hope everyone has a good day, get back to your water, and I will check in again later
xx
 
Hi Sassey,
Your posts sound so positively-negatively-positive, if you know what I mean!:D You really sound like you're in the right place, angry with yourself, but knowing that CD can do it for you if you only let it!

Good luck sweetheart, I'll be back often to check out how you're doing!
 
Thanks Paula, and congratulations on your weight loss, you look like a new woman!
Well its day 6 and this morning I weighed in @ 12st 6lbs, so am 5 and half pounds down! :D But more importantly I have stuck to CD 100% for 5 days. ( I can not pick at anything while I am on CD, as it soon leads to jumping off the wagon).
I have been reading the forum to get strength and inspiration for all those moment when it seems the road to slimsville is too long, I know that CD and the like is the quickest and safest way to lose weight, but I still wanna be slim now!
I am so excited at the thought of getting out of bed 1 morning soon and realising i am slim!
My BF has been great too, I really laided it on thick that this wasnt 'just another diet' or 'just another re-start' :eek: and that I could really do with his support.
So now I am off to get another day under my belt, hopefully I have done the hardest bit, although the only side-effect has been tiredness ( I am usually in bed by 9!) and the rabbit-poos (sorry).
I have not been hungrey at all, although I have been really missing food though, the smell, taste and texture. I fantisize about what I am going to eat when I have finished CD! And this is only days 1-5, lord knows what I will be like by day 100! I have visions of me being slim, but in a strait-jacket!
Seriously though, i hope that by the time I am slim my tastes will have changed, because I am def craving healthy foods (although I wouldnt say no to a tube of pringles!).
I worked in Italy (as a designer:cool:) for a few months when I graduated and it was so different from the uk. Everyone had a proper sit down lunch in the canteen, no soggy sandwiches at the desk, and I never saw anyone eat junk food the whole time I was there. I came back to the uk with a totally changed palete (although within a few months, I was back to the stodge). That was though laziness, and being too busy to cook properly. I really hope to cook and eat more balanced meals when I finish.

Anyway, I am sure none of that really makes sense as I am writing this in between work,
good luck to everyone xx
 
Thought I had better up-date my diary as its been a while :).

Its now day 21 of CD and I have lost 12lbs to date!!!
I know compared to others losses on cd its peanuts, but I am really chuffed. I am now in the 11s! I got the shock of my life when I saw the number on my elec. scales as I havent seen that number for a while!

The diet has been so eaasy the last week (touching wood as I speak). I am still tired, but am steadily getting more energy, and feel more motivated about life.

I feel that there is a light at the end of the tunnel after all.

I am counting on losing 5 st in 5 months, as that seems to by the rate everyone agrees you can lose on SS. I am going to a v swish wedding mid Sept, with lots of old friends who I havent seen since I was about 8 stone, so I really want to hit that target, so that people dont ask me if I am preggs!!!!
Sometimes I get in a panic because I am worried I wont hit 3 lb loss a week, this ironically in the past on other diets leads me to binge, but this time on CD (again touching wood) I have resisted, and in-fact arent tempted to eat at all :D.

I am trying not to anaylsis this, but am really enjoying the feeling.

I dont really see the 12lb weight loss in my figure too much, my topshop jeans (34w- size 16?) are definatley not as tight, but they are not loose yet either. My face looks and feels thinner (about the only place I am slim anyway, sods law!) I still have the dreaded back-fat roll, when that goes I am gonna throw a party:p.

Really looking forward to moving down clothes sizes as the smaller the size the more choice in my wardrobe, I will be bliss to be able to decide between several outfits as at the mo I rotate the same dark, shapeless clobber.

Anyway, I am going now, feeling really positive.
xx
 
Wow!!!!
I am now in the middle of week 13.
I reached my half-way goal last week and got to 10 st 4.5lbs. So what did I do?? I decided to give myself a week off as a treat, I realise that this is not in the cd handbook, but I am gonna be on CD for a long time til I reach my goal of 8 st.
I needed a break, what can I say. I saw my old friends from Uni and had lunch with them on sunday, was so glad I could eat with them, was the highlight of my 13 weeks with cd.
The week off has given me a chance to assess my weightloss so far. I am always dissappointed with my losses (esp as I dont have the other benefits of cd that others report, eg I have very low energy and my skin is prob the worse it has ever been in my life (inc my teens).
But I now am getting to the stage where I dont feel like a lump, my figure is starting to come back and I dont feel depressed about myself anymore.
I have decided to apply for an MA which I wouldnt have done at my old weight, so positive things are happening.
I am looking forward at a much better place than I was back in March. This time the weight loss will mean proper steps forward (eg not from very fat to slightly less fat) because noe if I lose 10lbs I will really be able to see it.
I am now on day 1 of my re-start, I have cleared my diary for the next 4 days (apart from pub on friday eve with mates) and am going to hibernate til I get back into ketosis. My BF is away til monday so I can just slob about the house, watch loads of dvds, trawl ebay, and just chill with the cat.:)
will def be up-dating my diary for the next week or so til I get back into the cd vibe!
xx
 
ouch!!! I just couldnt stick to cd over the weekend, was bored and lonely so headed for the supermarket and basically eat my way through to monday morning (also spent loads on-line, but thats another story).
I did buy 1lb of fat replica, to remind myself how amazing it is to lose even 1/2 a pound and how well I have done so far.
I find it difficult to celebrate my weight-loss because I dont really have anyone to talk to about it, apart from my long-suffering BF who is a really busy with work and seeing his friends and doesnt really have time for me. Hes not a bad guy, just not that in to me I guess :(.

But anyway, this morning I weighed in at 10st 10lbs, which if I can believe, means i havent done too much damage. Up 5.5lbs over the 10 days. Hopefully I can lose that in this next week, but its a shame cos even if I can ss from now on I have added 3 weeks to my goal date. I am gutted about that, but reminding myself, its really not that big a deal, its not good, but its not that awful!!!!
I stayed in bed til 10.30 today :)o) and its now 2pm, I have just about drunk my 1lt of water and am gonna have my 2nd shake in a minute.
I feel ok, my tummy is grumblin abit and my mouth is watering, but apart from that no real headache or anything. I cant remember what it is like trying to get into ketosis as I felt crap for the ages when I started ss. Hopefully as I am starting again over 2st lighter than in march I will find it easier as you dont need as much energy to lug yourself about!
Will up-date later to record how i am feelin, xx
 
Ok Still havent got back into SS. I have been eating the most amount of junk, but I still am determined to get back on the wagon. Every morning I wake up, weigh myself, get my water, prepare my shake.....and then move forward a few hours and I am in mcdonalds(?).

So I have changed my ticket to reflect the fact that (hopefully) the weight I have lost is definately gone, and now I am starting with less than 3 stone to go, which isnt a massive amount to lose, but would mean so much to me.

I am been really low at time over the last couple of weeks and been arguin with my BF alot. My weight and lack of confidence will I am fat has a massive effect on my mood and attitude to life.

Tomorrow, I try again, have decided to fill in my diary every few hours to try and keep me motivated. So sad I know, but hopefully everyone who does read this understands....
 
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