Honey, I'm home! (kicking & screaming)


Sooooooo here we are, again.

I've just turned 32, I've been steadily growing and yo-yo dieting for 20 years - naturally I've done every imaginable eating plan at least 16 times.

I don't actually feel mentally in the right place to start yet - I don't feel like I've committed. But, I do feel like I'm at deaths door, ruining my relationship and that I don't have long to fix things so... I'm here because my brain has forced me to be here, but my heart hasn't quite got on board yet.

This week has been pretty nasty. I'm in Bangkok at the moment with my partner and today I went to the hospital (unrelated issue, wanted a blocked ear taken care of - unfortunately Thai hospitals don't let you in without checking your bra size and BMI). I was going through the standard checks they force you to do when the nurse was visibly shocked and concerned at my blood pressure and then when I got on the scales.. it said a number it's never said before... 150.1kg. After leaving the hospital we went shopping and even getting out of the taxi to pop in a shop to grab a drink and then get back in the taxi was exhausting and made me irritable.

Last week was my birthday and my boyfriend and I were thinking of things to do.. let's go to a floating market? No, can't do that, the boats are too small and I'm too fat (this follows an incident where I stepped on to his brothers boat three months ago and stepped -through- the wooden floor). Okay, let's go to the theme park just outside the city? No, can't do that, I literally won't be allowed on a single ride. In the end the only options we had left were to go to the cinema (so essentially, go and sit down), or go to a restaurant (so.. go and eat) - and I thought, is that it then? Is this the rest of my life? Sitting and eating all week at work just to wait for the weekend when I'll be able to... sit and eat?

To make things worse (and to share far too much detail), our sex life sucks and I really can't blame him either. When we got together, I was about 35kg lighter and training/boxing 3 times a week.. now look what he's stuck with - if I were in his boat I'd be searching for the receipt!

My back has been killing me, I wake up surprised not to have had a heart attack in the night... it's time basically.

Now me and my partner actually live in the neighbouring country, Cambodia - unfortunately we were visiting his family in Thailand when they closed the borders due to COVID and we're still stuck here, 4 months later.

Before we left Cambodia - I was doing pretty good! I'd been vegan, eating plant-based, for 2 or 3 months and lost quite a bit of weight. When we came to Thailand for, what we thought would be, a 3 week vacation, I decided to relax a little and let myself enjoy it (this also meant relaxing the vegan stuff - I was never militant about it) - unfortunately as we've been trapped here for months that 'relaxed' eating period has also unexpectedly extended. I've been very unprepared to do anything about it because we were meant to be on holiday - we didn't even pack shoes, let alone anything suitable to work out in (and lord knows finding my size in Asia is a challenge).. so it's been hard to get in to the right space to get on track.

But now it's time. Now we're in Bangkok (previously we were on the islands) I've been able to find clothes my size - I've bought workout clothes, I've bought sports shoes, I've bought a huge tub of protein powder (I have no idea what it does but.. throw money at the problem, right?), and in 2 weeks I will move in to an apartment that has an on site gym and pool (and will be living there 2 months). I figure tomorrow I will have the official day 1 weigh-in and measurements and try to start doing light exercise - walking, etc. Just enough so that when we move in to the new place in 2 weeks, I can start swimming or doing some light gym stuff. Baby steps.

Anyway - great to be here to feel less alone on this soul destroying journey - I look forward to following your journeys and appreciate your support!

Joe x
Hi Joe,

Welcome back to Minimins.

I have also struggled with my weight for a long time, first time I went on 'diet' was 2008 and to be honest I've never really came off.

I've been a serial yo yo dieter who keeps quitting before I get anywhere near goal weight but this time I'm not going to do that.

It's so hard and we all understand that, you can do it though.

It takes a lot of mental effort and hard work but you need to focus on your health and wellbeing.

We'll all be here to cheer you on throughout your journey to goal weight.
Hi Joe!

I'm about the same weight as you and read your post thinking "Yes, yup, yeah that's me" - every diet under the sun, do ok for a few months, fall off the wagon, put it all back on. And repeat. My diary here on Minis goes back 10 years. Nuff said. We all have those horrifying stories too, like your awful boat experience. I was helping on an election night once in London, reporting results, and the hall was packed so I sat on a table and the whole thing collapsed under me with a BOOOOOOOOM - just as the latest results were to be read out. I fell so heavily I had bruises all over the backs of my legs but I was more upset about being so mortified, and the feelings of embarrassment still flood over me from time to time even now years later.

Lockdown has been really difficult for me foodwise too, trying to clean eat and IF - some good days, some terrible ones. But you're sounding very focused and "I can - will - do this!", and we'll all be here cheering you on.

I have a Cambodian link too :). I'm a Kiwi and an old friend of mine has lived in Phnom Penh for years - except he was visiting NZ in March and has been in lockdown there ever since. He's as think as a rake though, so can eat whatever he likes. Ba****d. :D.
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Hi and welcome from me too. I dont have any such extreme stories, im just fat and lazy and yes suffering from lockdown inactivity and family overload. I look forward to reading your journey