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Warning – this is a long post – if you have time, grab a drink (of water of course) and off we go…

Insomnia does crazy things to you and so here I am at 4am writing out all my deepest darkest thoughts to relay to people I have never met but have always been so kind and welcoming to me (even though I usually stay away when I am doing badly!!)

I started my journey back in November and as an incentive did the tv show will my crash diet kill me on channel 4 (I don’t want to get in to whether this was a good or bad thing here as the ones who were around at the time will know it was a horrid time for me). I chose to do the diet as for the previous 18 months I had been piling weight on (up to 23 stone) and loosing it again (at my lowest was around 16 stone) I know this is still quite heavy but I was a real exercise junkie (probs too much looking back) and did at least 6 sessions a week (including 2 hours football training and a 90minute game every week).

Then in my personal world everything fell apart after a very bad experience and I started to use my weight as a shield. I didn’t want anyone to get close to me and I didn’t feel I deserved to be happy and every time I got down to a certain weight (no coincidence that it was the same weight where I had this terrible experience), I sabotaged my efforts and went on a binge eating spree – making myself feel disgusting and guilty – yes very repressed feelings!!

I did the tv programme as I knew I would be accountable to the camera and people were relying on me to be able to make a show and so I stuck to it and did quite well over the Christmas period. The problem was when the team left me and I was on my own again, I was close to that magic weight of self sabotage and I am not proud to say I completely gorged on anything possible.

Since feb (when I epically failed), I have been messing about with the diet – doing 3 days here, four days there but never making it past 2 weeks. It is really expensive (as you know) and I can’t afford to be messing around with it. I spoke to my consultant today, after another failed week, and decided to come clean about my past and what I thought. She told me everything finally fitted in to place with me and could completely understand why I was doing what I was. She told me I give myself the hardest of times and many people having been through what I have wouldn’t even attempt it and the fact I always go back every week shows how committed I am.

The thing is, I want it so badly – I don’t want to go out with my football team and feel the odd one out because they are all smaller than me (we are going watching everton ladies vs Chelsea ladies tomorrow and I’m already dreading it!!). I don’t want to walk in to a bar and think everyone is thinking how massive I am. I want to go shopping and buy my own style rather than just something that fits and tries to hide the lumps and bumps. I want to be the person I know I can and have the body to match my goals (playing football, having the confidence to meet a nice guy, not having aching joints after football training and having to pretend I need a drink when actually I just can’t complete the drills we are doing).

BUT, none of these things will be achievable if I don’t lose weight. When I started this diet, I knew it would be tough – I’d read the diaries about the hunger and cravings initially – but I had also seen the before and after pictures and thought the hunger would be worth it. What I didn’t realise would happen would be the huge emotional journey I have been taking alongside it, no one prepared me for that – and maybe I am just different to everyone else but I wanted to put my story out there just in case I wasn’t! To know that to get to my size, I obviously have issues with food but this is ok to admit to and try to overcome!

I am now taking steps to overcome the things that I see as the hurdles ahead – I have been to my doctor and have been diagnosed with ptsd and am on the waiting list for cbt. In the meantime, like my consultant said, I need to not put too much pressure on myself and be an all or nothing scenario. She weighed me today (although I don’t know I guess I’m around 18 stone mark) and we decided that every week she won’t tell me my weight only what I have lost so I don’t become fixated on this weight milestone. I know getting beyond it won’t suddenly make everything ok but I think this is step one (I don’t think anyone will be bothered but the weight I sabotage is 16st 3lbs) and I need to do this one step at a time!!

I know people don’t know me very well as I do go very quiet when I’m off on a binge mission but I need your help (just as hopefully I can help in return). I am going to try and come on here every day as when I do I always feel more motivated knowing others are going through the same Cambridge diet symptoms as me. I feel like I need that extra something though and accountability I guess so if anyone fancies pm’ing me or tweeting then that would be great to keep each other on track if we need it. I’m not even sure if anyone would have reached this part as I know I have waffled on and on (sorry – like I say insomnia to blame!!) but I know I have the ability to do this, just maybe not on my own!!

If you have made it this far, thanks for reading x
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I can totally relate to the things you have said. About walking into a bar and buying clothes. When I have a down day I keep those things at the front of my mind and try and imagine how I'll feel when I can walk in with my head held high and look forward to buying clothes I love.
You sound strong and ready to do this so I hope you hang on to that and use this group as support. Like you said, we are all in this together and we can support each other.
Good luck on your journey and I hope you reach your goal xx
S: 19st4lb C: 13st4lb G: 10st4lb BMI: 30.9 Loss: 6st0lb(31.11%)
Hi Nat, 16stone4 was the weight I couldnt get passed, I''ve been down to that about 3 times, until I finally broke through, I plateaued at that weight, but once I go passed that, I've just gone further and now weigh in at 13stone4. Once you get past that comfortable weight your body likes you will find the motivation to carry on til you get to your ultimate goal, good luck :)
Mrsrows - thanks for the reply, it's good to realise im not the only one feeling that way!! Also a good idea to keep it as a motivating factor. I know that we can either be moving towards goals (ie going in to a shop and buying nice clothes) or away from (ie not wanting to be big anymore) and focusing on the towards approach is much more useful :)

Aogg - glad to see the weight is coming off for you - hopefully I can break this pattern and like you say move onwards

Nic x
S: 12st4lb C: 9st8lb G: 8st12lb BMI: 24.5 Loss: 2st10lb(22.09%)
I'm not doing CD but just wanted to say that your post was moving and rang a lot of truths with me. I wanted to just wish you well with this weight loss journey. I'm sure you will get loads of support on here and together with your determination and understanding of the pitfalls you will be in the best possible position to start. Good luck!
Very brave post!

At my heaviest I was 20st 7lbs plus and at 5' 4" that is not a good place to be. I managed to lose 10st through eating less, exercising more; CD; and vegetarian Atkins. I kept the 10st off for more than a decade then last winter after my dear Dad passed away the weight began to creep back. Two and a half stones of it.

I have lost some and am now 2 stones from where I was before the regain. Losing weight is only part of the story for us; the lessons to be learned are those that teach us how to act upon life instead of reacting TO it. The food may always be a crutch in hard times, but we can get back on track and lose any stress-related gains.

Self-hatred and guilt are two of the main reasons we lose control around food and eating. And both are a complete waste of time and very damaging to our fragile self-esteem. Try to remember that this is an addiction and there is no easy cure but one day at a a time, one meal at a time, we can deal with it.

Good luck x


Fab & Fit For Florida
what an amazing post!

i am on my seond attempt at this diet - started first time at 18st3lbs and got down to 15st5lbs...

this time started at 20st13lbs and really hoping i survive past 15st5lbs to reach my goal weight...

we are all here for a reason - to better ourselves :) xx
S: 13st13.5lb C: 13st13.5lb G: 9st7lb BMI: 33.6 Loss: 0st0lb(0%)
first of all i think you deserve a big hug ((( ))) well done for coming on here and making this post.
i think its a brill idea not to know your weight and hopefully it will do the trick.
well done for going to see doc and getting cbt i'm sure it will help you.
good luck hun i know you can do it we are all here for you.
Girlygirl - what a brilliant loss first time round, shows it really can be done!! What you say makes so much sense - self hatred is not a great one and can make you do all manner of things - like you say food is just another addiction, but one that people don't give enough credit to for overeaters (feels quite taboo!).

Goolian - thanks for reading my post :) from your weigh ins it looks like you are doing brilliantly so far - would be great if I had those kind after 3 weeks - keep going, hope to see more of the same!!

tinkerbellsmum - much appreciated hugs there (just what I need at the min!!) and thanks for the supportive message - we can all do this together!!
It looks like 4am is my new awake time so might as well make use and catch up with things! Sorry I didn't get chance to reply again yesterday, it was a long day out and I was ready to drop by the time I got home.

So now with that day over with I can really get my head on to the diet properly. As I thought, yesterday out with some of the football girls (especially watching a game) I felt so big and out of place. What didn't help was when the official photographer from the game asked if he could take our team pic as one of the everton players retweeted that we were going along and so they wanted to get a pic. It was my worst nightmare and I pushed my way to the back to hopefully get someone else in front of me but at the last min they moved and I was in full view - never want to see those pics but got a feeling they will make our website - motivation maybe?!?

If I can work out how to put pics on here I will add the one of the girls that I took (so wasn't in) so you can see where I am aiming to be in terms of size - just not the biggest there!!

Nic x
The friendship and understanding we find here is just amazing. It helps get us through the bad times, when we are struggling and angry at ourselves for finding it hard.

Just keep going, no matter what. If you slip then dust yourself off and start over. No matter how many times you need to do that! Only giving up completely could stop us now x
I have sabotage weights, the one I am at now and at each stone below. As soon as I got to 14st this time, I just "forgot" i was on a diet but have managed to pull it back into line today.. I got up this morning and gave myself a good talking to!

Keep posting and keep coming on line xx


Full Member
S: 17st4lb C: 16st5lb G: 10st12lb BMI: 39.3 Loss: 0st13lb(5.37%)
If any of us were anorexic we would have everyone's sympathy. Everyone knows emotions play a huge part in that disease, controlling what you eat because you have no control over other things in your life.

Why if we overeat are we not extended the same sympathy. Our disease is all about a loss of control. With nicotine, drug and alcohol addiction you just have to stay away from the thing which is your demon, with food we can't do that, well not completely anyway.

I am a big lady, lots to lose still and even in 11 weeks I have had two blow outs which have been brought on by events in my life which have upset me. I comfort eat and then spend the following days beating myself up because I've failed myself. In all other aspects of my life I can be sensible and mature and organised, but not with food. Don't get me wrong, I am generally very happy with my life, two beautiful kids, a loving husband and close family who I adore but life is stressful and that stress impacts on my eating.

I hope in a few more months, I'll look back at this thread and think that i have gained some control over my weight if not my eating, I don't think I'll ever conquer that but at least I will have a tool which I know I can use to shift the weight reasonably quickly and safely.

Good luck everyone, we'll get there eventually. :D


Gold Member
S: 212.8lb C: 204.0lb G: 142lb BMI: 35 Loss: 8.8lb(4.14%)
Right you are, timsmom. We all need to grasp the fact that we are addictive eaters and proceed from there. And as with all addictions, we will probably never be rid of the beast completely, we are more likely to become "recovering addicts". Maybe when we realise that it will help us to get our eating under our own control instead of having our eating control us. Few people have any sympathy for drug addicts, alcoholics and fat people. Most think it's as easy as waking up one morning and just telling yourself that you will no longer drink excessively, smoke, do drugs or overeat. If it were that simple in reality, this would be a world of slim, clean and sober non-smokers. I'm not seeing that in my neck of the woods.

I saw a show once about a woman whose young son was quite overweight and not only did most people glower at her as though she were the devil incarnate, some went so far as to tell her what a horrible mum she was. No one thought to inquire as to what the problem may be - as being fat is never more than a matter of one's being a glutton - and her son actually had a quite awful metabolic disease which caused him to eat uncontrollably and no doctors had been able to help.

Sorry for ranting. It's just that not everything is as it may appear. So come on here whenever you need a lift, ncassidy, and everyone will be behind you and will offer you encouragement. This is a hard battle but we can all do it! Good luck to you on your journey :)

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