ncassidy80
Full Member
Warning – this is a long post – if you have time, grab a drink (of water of course) and off we go…
Insomnia does crazy things to you and so here I am at 4am writing out all my deepest darkest thoughts to relay to people I have never met but have always been so kind and welcoming to me (even though I usually stay away when I am doing badly!!)
I started my journey back in November and as an incentive did the tv show will my crash diet kill me on channel 4 (I don’t want to get in to whether this was a good or bad thing here as the ones who were around at the time will know it was a horrid time for me). I chose to do the diet as for the previous 18 months I had been piling weight on (up to 23 stone) and loosing it again (at my lowest was around 16 stone) I know this is still quite heavy but I was a real exercise junkie (probs too much looking back) and did at least 6 sessions a week (including 2 hours football training and a 90minute game every week).
Then in my personal world everything fell apart after a very bad experience and I started to use my weight as a shield. I didn’t want anyone to get close to me and I didn’t feel I deserved to be happy and every time I got down to a certain weight (no coincidence that it was the same weight where I had this terrible experience), I sabotaged my efforts and went on a binge eating spree – making myself feel disgusting and guilty – yes very repressed feelings!!
I did the tv programme as I knew I would be accountable to the camera and people were relying on me to be able to make a show and so I stuck to it and did quite well over the Christmas period. The problem was when the team left me and I was on my own again, I was close to that magic weight of self sabotage and I am not proud to say I completely gorged on anything possible.
Since feb (when I epically failed), I have been messing about with the diet – doing 3 days here, four days there but never making it past 2 weeks. It is really expensive (as you know) and I can’t afford to be messing around with it. I spoke to my consultant today, after another failed week, and decided to come clean about my past and what I thought. She told me everything finally fitted in to place with me and could completely understand why I was doing what I was. She told me I give myself the hardest of times and many people having been through what I have wouldn’t even attempt it and the fact I always go back every week shows how committed I am.
The thing is, I want it so badly – I don’t want to go out with my football team and feel the odd one out because they are all smaller than me (we are going watching everton ladies vs Chelsea ladies tomorrow and I’m already dreading it!!). I don’t want to walk in to a bar and think everyone is thinking how massive I am. I want to go shopping and buy my own style rather than just something that fits and tries to hide the lumps and bumps. I want to be the person I know I can and have the body to match my goals (playing football, having the confidence to meet a nice guy, not having aching joints after football training and having to pretend I need a drink when actually I just can’t complete the drills we are doing).
BUT, none of these things will be achievable if I don’t lose weight. When I started this diet, I knew it would be tough – I’d read the diaries about the hunger and cravings initially – but I had also seen the before and after pictures and thought the hunger would be worth it. What I didn’t realise would happen would be the huge emotional journey I have been taking alongside it, no one prepared me for that – and maybe I am just different to everyone else but I wanted to put my story out there just in case I wasn’t! To know that to get to my size, I obviously have issues with food but this is ok to admit to and try to overcome!
I am now taking steps to overcome the things that I see as the hurdles ahead – I have been to my doctor and have been diagnosed with ptsd and am on the waiting list for cbt. In the meantime, like my consultant said, I need to not put too much pressure on myself and be an all or nothing scenario. She weighed me today (although I don’t know I guess I’m around 18 stone mark) and we decided that every week she won’t tell me my weight only what I have lost so I don’t become fixated on this weight milestone. I know getting beyond it won’t suddenly make everything ok but I think this is step one (I don’t think anyone will be bothered but the weight I sabotage is 16st 3lbs) and I need to do this one step at a time!!
I know people don’t know me very well as I do go very quiet when I’m off on a binge mission but I need your help (just as hopefully I can help in return). I am going to try and come on here every day as when I do I always feel more motivated knowing others are going through the same Cambridge diet symptoms as me. I feel like I need that extra something though and accountability I guess so if anyone fancies pm’ing me or tweeting then that would be great to keep each other on track if we need it. I’m not even sure if anyone would have reached this part as I know I have waffled on and on (sorry – like I say insomnia to blame!!) but I know I have the ability to do this, just maybe not on my own!!
If you have made it this far, thanks for reading x
Insomnia does crazy things to you and so here I am at 4am writing out all my deepest darkest thoughts to relay to people I have never met but have always been so kind and welcoming to me (even though I usually stay away when I am doing badly!!)
I started my journey back in November and as an incentive did the tv show will my crash diet kill me on channel 4 (I don’t want to get in to whether this was a good or bad thing here as the ones who were around at the time will know it was a horrid time for me). I chose to do the diet as for the previous 18 months I had been piling weight on (up to 23 stone) and loosing it again (at my lowest was around 16 stone) I know this is still quite heavy but I was a real exercise junkie (probs too much looking back) and did at least 6 sessions a week (including 2 hours football training and a 90minute game every week).
Then in my personal world everything fell apart after a very bad experience and I started to use my weight as a shield. I didn’t want anyone to get close to me and I didn’t feel I deserved to be happy and every time I got down to a certain weight (no coincidence that it was the same weight where I had this terrible experience), I sabotaged my efforts and went on a binge eating spree – making myself feel disgusting and guilty – yes very repressed feelings!!
I did the tv programme as I knew I would be accountable to the camera and people were relying on me to be able to make a show and so I stuck to it and did quite well over the Christmas period. The problem was when the team left me and I was on my own again, I was close to that magic weight of self sabotage and I am not proud to say I completely gorged on anything possible.
Since feb (when I epically failed), I have been messing about with the diet – doing 3 days here, four days there but never making it past 2 weeks. It is really expensive (as you know) and I can’t afford to be messing around with it. I spoke to my consultant today, after another failed week, and decided to come clean about my past and what I thought. She told me everything finally fitted in to place with me and could completely understand why I was doing what I was. She told me I give myself the hardest of times and many people having been through what I have wouldn’t even attempt it and the fact I always go back every week shows how committed I am.
The thing is, I want it so badly – I don’t want to go out with my football team and feel the odd one out because they are all smaller than me (we are going watching everton ladies vs Chelsea ladies tomorrow and I’m already dreading it!!). I don’t want to walk in to a bar and think everyone is thinking how massive I am. I want to go shopping and buy my own style rather than just something that fits and tries to hide the lumps and bumps. I want to be the person I know I can and have the body to match my goals (playing football, having the confidence to meet a nice guy, not having aching joints after football training and having to pretend I need a drink when actually I just can’t complete the drills we are doing).
BUT, none of these things will be achievable if I don’t lose weight. When I started this diet, I knew it would be tough – I’d read the diaries about the hunger and cravings initially – but I had also seen the before and after pictures and thought the hunger would be worth it. What I didn’t realise would happen would be the huge emotional journey I have been taking alongside it, no one prepared me for that – and maybe I am just different to everyone else but I wanted to put my story out there just in case I wasn’t! To know that to get to my size, I obviously have issues with food but this is ok to admit to and try to overcome!
I am now taking steps to overcome the things that I see as the hurdles ahead – I have been to my doctor and have been diagnosed with ptsd and am on the waiting list for cbt. In the meantime, like my consultant said, I need to not put too much pressure on myself and be an all or nothing scenario. She weighed me today (although I don’t know I guess I’m around 18 stone mark) and we decided that every week she won’t tell me my weight only what I have lost so I don’t become fixated on this weight milestone. I know getting beyond it won’t suddenly make everything ok but I think this is step one (I don’t think anyone will be bothered but the weight I sabotage is 16st 3lbs) and I need to do this one step at a time!!
I know people don’t know me very well as I do go very quiet when I’m off on a binge mission but I need your help (just as hopefully I can help in return). I am going to try and come on here every day as when I do I always feel more motivated knowing others are going through the same Cambridge diet symptoms as me. I feel like I need that extra something though and accountability I guess so if anyone fancies pm’ing me or tweeting then that would be great to keep each other on track if we need it. I’m not even sure if anyone would have reached this part as I know I have waffled on and on (sorry – like I say insomnia to blame!!) but I know I have the ability to do this, just maybe not on my own!!
If you have made it this far, thanks for reading x