Lighter life versus a dead beat relationship!

Discussion in 'Lighter Life Forum' started by redhelena, 1 August 2008 Social URL.

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Has lighter life made you think of ending your relationship?

Poll closed 15 August 2008.
  1. Yes, because I was using food to compensate for an unhappy relationship

    26.7%
  2. No, because I am happy in my relationship and it does not cause me to comfort eat.

    73.3%
Multiple votes are allowed.
  1. redhelena

    redhelena New Member

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    :eatdrink051:Through a culmination of events in the past week, and my boyfriend/friend being somewhere at the centre of them, I became incredibly stressed. I put on almost 8lbs after loosing 6lbs the week before:break_diet: .I feel that being in this particular relationship is not helping, so here I am day one trying to get back into programme and hopefully will be lighter not just in terms of weight but of the added angst provided by my boyfriend. Strangely enough he could be very supportive. However in other ways this was balanced with constant stress, being mildly bipolar meant I had alot of moods to contend with and although this would not be the norm with every person who is bipolar it was with him, he was'nt taking his meds and was drinking too often, invading my privacy and calling in the middle of the night as though it was quite okay to get me out of bed at 3 am just because he wanted a chat! My self esteem was suffering badly and there was little or no love and affection, yet he still clings on to me- it is difficult to cut all ties so I will limit contact for my own sake and for his because the only person he is having a relationship with is himself and he needs to face up to that. I have decided that if I am going to sucessfully complete lighter life that I have to go it alone, that kind of support I can do without. Lighter life is helping me refocus on myself and my needs. The drawback- if any when you are a single gal it gets kinda lonely:cry:but guess I just have to work at keeping myself busy. Love to hear from anyone in a similar position. Feel slightly guilty for talking like this- but its the truth unfortunately. :wave_cry: Anyway time will tell!
     
    Last edited: 4 August 2008
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  3. jennikay

    jennikay Gold Member

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    My ex used to say, if I was considering losing any weight, 'you look fine as you are, you don't need to lose weight'.
    And would generally be very unsupportive.

    So I left him :D (Well, I left him for many many other reasons too, but shh.)

    And now I'm doing brilliantly :D
    Though I'm on CD, not LL.


    x
     
  4. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

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    Redhelena

    Sorry you are having a tough time. I can fully sympathise with you. The man I was with before my husband was bipolar. THat is a very very difficult thing to deal with. Under ANY circumstances. I don't know your circs obviously - but I founf it got to the point where if I didn;t leave, I jut feared it was not going to end well. At all. For either of us. I was quite scared.

    You just do what is right for you, for now. Look after yourself. I stayed for 2 years with Brian because I felt guilty for leaving him with his condition. Guilty and fearful. It took ages and was very calculated. I felt the only safe way out was a well planned exit. ANd it worked. Phew.

    But tis a horrible illness for those on the outside to deal with, so you are a strong lady. Just remember that when you start feeling weak on the diet - think of what you can cope with.

    All good luck to you.

    <hugs>

    x
     
  5. redhelena

    redhelena New Member

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    Hi Blond Logic your'e doing brilliantly- extremely jelous!

    Thankyou so much for taking time to reply, its good to hear you got out of the relationship-safely, I am out of it now,and trying to get my own head straight. So know more guilt and mind games regarding his ex who he supposedly would'nt go back to yet he seemed to be obsessed especially in the early stages of our relationship- I should have realised then and wrote the whole thing off. I now no its much worse to be with someone who you are not happy with than to be alone. I have peace of mind now and if the truth be told it was over a hell of a long time ago. It was so inspiring to see how well you've done on Lighter life! and no lapses since January- Fantastic. I would love to get to that place and am really working at controlling automatic/hot thoughts, as I am a confirmed comfort eater. Its all in the mind so if I can grasp and practice the principles of lighter life, I'l succeed!
    Cheers and good luck on your very successful journey so far!
    redhelen
    xo:thankyou:
     
  6. kittyjen

    kittyjen New Member

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    Wow Helena... that is exactly the situation I just got out of relationship-wise. I'm amazed how similar it all is. It's definitely worse to put up with a situation that is making you unhappy than to stand by yourself and enjoy it. My only problem was dealing with the fact I was making him unhappy by not talking to him at all, he would leave me messages complaining about my behaviour, when in reality I was just ignoring him and not pandering to his attention seeking.

    I'm starting LL tomorrow and I know I'll do ten times better without him around. My main worry is that if I run into him he will see the weight loss and want to do LL as well!

    Best of luck with your situation and I hope it all works out :D
     
  7. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

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    Thank you REdhelen, and you are welcome. :)

    It is really hard to look realistically at a relationship when you are in the middle of it - particularly a bad one - and double particularly if there is a mental health issue involved. Glad you have moved on.

    Keep practicing the LL approach and you WILL get there. I am a comfort eater to, but now know there was nothing comforting about what it idid to me or how I felt. And I don;t think I will ever forget that.

    So, we keep keepin on!

    All good luck on your journey too hon! :)

    x
     
  8. Corey

    Corey longs to be average!

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    Hey Red, Good ridence to him I say. Life isn't a dress rehersal, you have one stab at making the most of it, and life sure is miserable when the people around you don't make you happy.

    I remember once when, after finally getting out of an extremely abusive relationship (I still have the physical scars) I lost a tonne of weight, and when at my slimmest, saw him in a nightclub - he was between me and the loos - anyways, as I walked past, I turned and had my back to him, he wolf whistled, which I admit was a nice feeling, but what was better was seeing his face when I turned and said "Not in your wildest dreams pal!" Best feeling ever!

    Once you've lost all the weight that you want to lose, are looking slim and sexy, hope you bump into him, because once he sees you, he'll have that look of regret on his face in letting you go that'll be priceless!

    My OH now always says I look fine, and doesn't care if I'm fat or thin, it's nice that he loves me so much that it doesn't matter to him what I look like, so I just remind him that it matters to me, and that is always enough to make want to do whatever he has to to support me lose the weight!
     
  9. RachelA

    RachelA Silver Member

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    Hi, I found that LL was a catalyst in my destructive relationship with my husband and through it (the group sessions) I found the strength to take me and my girls and get the hell out. Three months on, we have our own flat, I have a new job, the determination to succeed in my weighloss and more self confidence then I could have imagined. He started off being supportive but that soon turned to him sabotaging my efforts and the verbal abuse got worse. When I said to him why were you supportive at the start, he said he didnt really think I would do it.
    There are some men out there who will support you no matter what you do but there are some who dont like to see you change for the better, I swear its because they think you'll leave them He said he didnt like me changing because now I thought I was too good for him!!
    All I know is that LL was the best thing for me, it took food out of the equation so that I couldnt hide behind it anymore and had to face my problems full on.
    Sorry for waffling!!
     
  10. Corey

    Corey longs to be average!

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    Hi Rachel, well done on getting away from that awful (seems a rather pathetic word to use, but can't think of anything stronger!) situation.

    You did so well in leaving him, and here's why...........YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR HIM. Now, give it some time, and when you're ready, get your backside out there and find the fella that's going to make you feel special, and who supports you unconditionally.
     
  11. bexnkev

    bexnkev Silver Member

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    Well said Corey!!! and as Corey said Rachel...Well done you!! It's not always easy to get out of a situation like you've been in :) You deserve so much better :)
     
  12. RachelA

    RachelA Silver Member

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    Thanks you two, life is so so much better now for me and the girls. I feel so much more confident and optimistic and as the L'oreal advert says so well, 'I'm worth it'!!!
    It'll be awhile I think before Im ready to meet someone else cos I need to get me sorted first but Im well on the way!
    Thanks again for your lovely comments xxx
     
  13. Topcat

    Topcat Member

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    Well done brave girls (& boy!). I've been doing LL for 6 months now, and one thing I've noticed is that the process certainly sorts the wheat from the chaff where the other halves are concerned. Some are fantastic, some feel very threatened. I've been a lucky girl and my lovely husband has been a rock. I'm going out dancing over the bank holiday and know that my ex-boyfriend will be there - we went out for 16 years & it ended very bitterly. He used to put me down constantly about my weight, but was so jealous that if ever I lost weight he would assume I must be sleeping with someone else, even though he was the only one who was ever unfaithful! I simply can't wait to show off my size 12 self - it is so true when they say THE BEST REVENGE IS LOOKING GOOD! Just off to try on my sexy knee length boots with my party frock...
    TC x
     
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