• Upgrades have been completed! Including conversations, 😁😎🏀⚾⚽ Emojis and more.. Read more



Men - A Simple Guide

#1
As these forums are dominated by females, i will let you in to a few mens secrets, as we are simple beings who like an easy life :D

1, Learn to work the toilet seat, you`re a big girl now, if it`s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down, you dont hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

2, Sunday = Sports, it`s like the full moon or changing of the tides, Let it be, Shopping is not a sport, and no we are never going to think of it that way.

3, Crying is Blackmail.

4, Ask for what you want, Let us be clear on this one, Subtle hints DO NOT WORK! Strong hints DO NOT WORK, Obvious hints DO NOT WORK, Just say what you mean.

5, YES and NO are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question you ask.

6, Sympathy is what Girlfriends are for.

7, A headache that lasts a week is a problem, Go and see a Doctor.

8, Anything said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after a week.

9,If you think your BUM looks big in trousers, it probably is, so dont ask.

10, If something we said can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

11, you can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both, if you already know best how to do it, do it yourself.

12, Whenever possible please say whatever you have to say during the advert breaks.

13, Christopher Columbus did not require directions and neither do we.

14, All men see in only 16 colours, like windows default settings. Peach for example is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. we have no idea what mauve is.

15, If it itches, it will be scratched, We men do that.

16, If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing is wrong. we know you are lying, but it`s not worth the hassle.

17, when we go out for the evening, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Honsetly.

18, Dont ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as SEX, FOOTBALL, CRICKET, or wether to go to the pub.

19, YOU HAVE MORE THAN ENOUGH CLOTHES.

20, YOU HAVE FAR TOO MANY SHOES.

21, I am in shape, round is a shape.

22, No i`m not going window shopping, it is not a passtime.

23, Sleeping on the sofa is not a punishment, men really dont mind, it`s just like camping.

I hope this has cleared up a few things, men like the simple things in life - WOMEN :D

 
Get Rid of this ad and join in on the conversation for free today! Tap here!
#6
You missed three letters out Allan ... the T-O-N after 'simple' ;)
 
#7
Bless ya Alan, your still in the minority on minimins and the girlies reign supreme x
 
#8
A few simple answers to your Guide Allan, hope this will clear a few things up for you blokes! :D

1. The toilet seat. What's stopping you from putting it down when you've finished? Manners cost nothing. ;)

2. Shopping - you need us to go shopping. Do you honestly think we'd be seen in public with you when you're wearing your choice of clothing? White plastic trainers and maroon baggy ar$ed jogging bottoms are not a good look! :rolleyes: The same applies to us women, do you really want us to wear that nylon nightie from Primark or would you prefer the ultra sexy silk one from Victorias Secrets?

3. Crying isn't blackmail, it's a well thought out way of making sure we get what we want. Similarly, you men who sulk, it doesn't convince us to change our minds so don't bother.

4. The same applies to you men. We don't want subtle hints - but neither do we want complete honesty if it means you're going to uspet us! Think carefully before you speak sometimes.

5. Yes and No work quite well - so long as you use them in the correct order! For example, "Darling, shall we book another holiday this year?" Your answer should be YES. Again, think very carefully before answering.

6. Sympathy - hmm, a tricky one this, do you want to get your leg over? Then show sympathy where it's appropriate otherwise you've got no chance!

7. The headache is usually in relation to something you've done wrong. Go and sit down and think about what you may have said to upset her.

8. If you've said something to upset us it's never inadmissable in an argument! Because we'll never forget that you said it.

9. If you think your willy is small, it is, don't ask.

10. If something we said can be interpreted in two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant it to!

11. We ask you 100 times to do something, we then tell you 100 times how to do it and you still don't do it. That's why we do it ourselves or better still, get someone else to do it and make you feel guilty!

12. Wherever possible please say whatever you have to say during the advert breaks, not while we're watching the latest episode of our favourite soap!

13. Christopher Columbus may not have had a map, that's why he was single! He didn't have a woman to tell him how to do things.

14. Men only see in 2 colours not 16. Black and white. Anything else just confuses their small brain and sends them into a trance.

15. If it itches, then get to a Doctor, don't pass it on to us!

16. See point 7.

17. Anything we wear is not fine, because if we came downstairs wearing wellies and our nightie for a nice meal out would you leave the house with us? Of course not!

18. Don't ask us what we are thinking unless you want to discuss, shoes, bags, clothes, soaps, food....

19. YOU HAVE MORE THAN ENOUGH PAIRS OFJEANS/FOOTBALL T-SHIRTS.

20. YOU HAVE MORE THAN ENOUGH TRAINERS.

21. You might like to think you look good for your age - but that's only with our help! We wouldn't be seen dead with you if you if you still looked like a tramp! Be grateful to us.

22. No we don't want to go to Halfords and look at car exhausts or alloys. Nor do we want to spend all day looking at the latest 54 inch hd ready flat screen tv!

23. If sleeping on the sofa is fun for you then you can do it every night. At least we wouldn't have to put up with your snoring and hogging the duvet!

These forums are dominated by females for a reason, we're the superior race, your brains are not equipped with enough intelligence, therefore, we rule. :D:D
 
#9
:D Ha Bloody Ha, no surrender, remember a rabbit cant mow the lawn or wash your car for you :p
 
#11
Ha Ha -

End of round 1 - round 2 to commence later

Good reading.
 
#12
A few simple answers to your Guide Allan, hope this will clear a few things up for you blokes! :D

1. The toilet seat. What's stopping you from putting it down when you've finished? Manners cost nothing. ;)

2. Shopping - you need us to go shopping. Do you honestly think we'd be seen in public with you when you're wearing your choice of clothing? White plastic trainers and maroon baggy ar$ed jogging bottoms are not a good look! :rolleyes: The same applies to us women, do you really want us to wear that nylon nightie from Primark or would you prefer the ultra sexy silk one from Victorias Secrets?

3. Crying isn't blackmail, it's a well thought out way of making sure we get what we want. Similarly, you men who sulk, it doesn't convince us to change our minds so don't bother.

4. The same applies to you men. We don't want subtle hints - but neither do we want complete honesty if it means you're going to uspet us! Think carefully before you speak sometimes.

5. Yes and No work quite well - so long as you use them in the correct order! For example, "Darling, shall we book another holiday this year?" Your answer should be YES. Again, think very carefully before answering.

6. Sympathy - hmm, a tricky one this, do you want to get your leg over? Then show sympathy where it's appropriate otherwise you've got no chance!

7. The headache is usually in relation to something you've done wrong. Go and sit down and think about what you may have said to upset her.

8. If you've said something to upset us it's never inadmissable in an argument! Because we'll never forget that you said it.

9. If you think your willy is small, it is, don't ask.

10. If something we said can be interpreted in two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant it to!

11. We ask you 100 times to do something, we then tell you 100 times how to do it and you still don't do it. That's why we do it ourselves or better still, get someone else to do it and make you feel guilty!

12. Wherever possible please say whatever you have to say during the advert breaks, not while we're watching the latest episode of our favourite soap!

13. Christopher Columbus may not have had a map, that's why he was single! He didn't have a woman to tell him how to do things.

14. Men only see in 2 colours not 16. Black and white. Anything else just confuses their small brain and sends them into a trance.

15. If it itches, then get to a Doctor, don't pass it on to us!

16. See point 7.

17. Anything we wear is not fine, because if we came downstairs wearing wellies and our nightie for a nice meal out would you leave the house with us? Of course not!

18. Don't ask us what we are thinking unless you want to discuss, shoes, bags, clothes, soaps, food....

19. YOU HAVE MORE THAN ENOUGH PAIRS OFJEANS/FOOTBALL T-SHIRTS.

20. YOU HAVE MORE THAN ENOUGH TRAINERS.

21. You might like to think you look good for your age - but that's only with our help! We wouldn't be seen dead with you if you if you still looked like a tramp! Be grateful to us.

22. No we don't want to go to Halfords and look at car exhausts or alloys. Nor do we want to spend all day looking at the latest 54 inch hd ready flat screen tv!

23. If sleeping on the sofa is fun for you then you can do it every night. At least we wouldn't have to put up with your snoring and hogging the duvet!

These forums are dominated by females for a reason, we're the superior race, your brains are not equipped with enough intelligence, therefore, we rule. :D:D
:rotflmao::rotflmao::rotflmao::rotflmao::rotflmao::rotflmao:

Allan ... think you need the :giveup::giveup::giveup:
 
#13
:D Ha Bloody Ha, no surrender, remember a rabbit cant mow the lawn or wash your car for you :p


Neither can a man in my house,
 
#19
Found this today when I am overtired and unwell and it cheered me up - thank you all. Allan I have copied one of your points to show my DH as he will be very amused to read it.
11, you can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both, if you already know best how to do it, do it yourself.
 
#20
Found this today when I am overtired and unwell and it cheered me up - thank you all. Allan I have copied one of your points to show my DH as he will be very amused to read it.
11, you can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both, if you already know best how to do it, do it yourself.
:D Yep that is a good one, i will endevour to post some more in the future for your ammusement;)
 


Similar threads