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My mother died on Sunday night and I'm struggling

#1
I'm struggling with so many emotions, I haven't seen or spoken to her in 15yrs and she was a lot of the reasons behind my weight.

I don't know how I feel, I don't know how I'm supposed to feel - it's all very strange and numbing.

Sorry for venting on here, I just need to get it out
 
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#2
Oh my god H....I am SO sorry - - :( :( :(

I just can't find the words right now. Its horrible, so horrible to lose a parent - but if you have been estranged, that must just leave you with so many mixed emotions, and I just can't imagine what it would be like. So I jut don;t know what to say other then to tell you haw sorry I am, and that we are all here for you.

Don't apologise for venting - use us. Thats what we are here for.

:( Sending you big hugs and boxes of tissue and love.

Bless you. I'm so sad for you right now and wish my shoulders were nearer.

:(
 
#4
Oh yes honey - all those emotions sound just what one would expect. I have a dear froen back home who too has not seen her mum for 20-25 years...and I know it will be a big mixed bag of emos for her too when the time comes. I think you are probably justified to feel all those things, and there will no doubt me more.

At the end of the day - she was your mum. And if she was behind some emotional problems, of course anger would rise again. And I an understand how it would feel liberating which I would guess might make you feel guilty for feeling that way. I hope it doesn't.

I dont' know your story - but a 15 year gap indicates there were some real problems. So that wyould to me seem to explain the feeling of liberation.

Death is just so hard, and surreal, and none of it seems to make sense in the early days.

Just be kind to yourself - and let the feelings out. Whatever they are - whether they seem "appropriate" or not (at the end of the day, its your heart and soul that hurts - so YOUR reactions whatever they are, ARE appropriate). You just need to do whatever you need to do to get yourself through this, and it willtake time.

But please don;t bottle things up. I did that when my dad died, it just hurt so much I could not talk about it - weeks became months, then years, and I got reallllllllllllllly feccked up mentally for not grieving - so - let them out. If it helps to do it here then do it by all means.

And PM me if you need anything.

You're not alone. Just remember that.

XXXXXXXX
 
#5
Hi Karamawitch
Big hugs coming your way :(
 
#6
But please don;t bottle things up. I did that when my dad died, it just hurt so much I could not talk about it - weeks became months, then years, and I got reallllllllllllllly feccked up mentally for not grieving - so - let them out. If it helps to do it here then do it by all means.
I did exactly the same with my dad BL, I think I've done all the grieving for my mother over the past 15yrs
 
#8
I am really sorry to hear your news and how you are feeling.

It doesn't matter how long it is since you were in touch this is going to upset you terribly

Please talk to us as much as you can it is better out than in. Any there other family members you can talk to?

You will be in a state of shock where everything doesn't feel real. If you feel like crying then cry. And look after yourself. Try and cope with a minute, an hour at atime and eventually a day at a time

Perhaps a visit to the doctors as counselling may help you. It has definately helped me
Big hugs
Irene x
 
#11
I was so sorry to read this. I really feel for you and cant imagine how difficult it is. I imagine your emotions are all over the place, which is natural.

I just wanted to send some hugs your way.
x
 
#12
sorry to hear of your loss
sending lots of hugs
ella
x
 

Guy

Likes to lurk
#13
Thank you everyone for your wonderful words of wisdom and advice. The biggest decision I have to make now is whether or not to go to the funeral.

I have been estranged from all my mother's family, and I know that if I go or don't go - I'll be damned if I do, and damned if I don't
I'm sorry to hear about your mum but I really relate to this issue. I haven't seen my mum for over 15 years either. I've asked myself the above question several times. I don't think anyone can advise you on this one. It's got to be your decision.

:)
 

bekimo

Fighting Demons....
#14
I'm sorry for your loss. Of course it is going to be hard for you. Big hugs coming to you.

Regarding the funeral, would you regret going? Or would you regret not going?

B x
 

annaphylactic

Guess who's back...?
#15
Oh Karma, I am so sorry to hear your news.
I have a little inkling of an understanding of how you feel - but it is only slight. I was never close to my dad, they divorced when I was 5. I'd see him on and off, but we never really 'bonded'. He was always very critical of my size, lack of sportiness etc etc, and contributed (I think) to alot of my issues about myself and my weight. On Boxing Day last year he died, out of the blue and I felt so cheated. Of course, I had seen him much more regularly than you had, but I still felt I never got the chance to rid all the issues between us. I felt so angry that he left me carrying all the angst and emotion that had been swelling up over the last twenty plus years - and there was no one there to help resolve any of it.

I had the whole 'do I go to the ashes' thing - they scattered half of him down in Cornwall, which is a good five hours drive from me. I'd never been to his (and his family's) house down there, and in the end I decided not to go. I knew it was going to be hell either way (my step mum hates me, always has - and has been a driving force in my dad and I rarely seeing each other) with my s/m judging my choice... but this is about you - don't think about what other's will say if you do choose to go to your mum's funeral - be selfish - it is nobody's business but your own.

Feeling anger, relief, guilt etc is all perfectly normal, so don't beat yourself up. Scream at her, cry, shout etc... imagine she were there and tell her everything you wished you had when she was here. It's an emotional exercise, but you've got to do what makes you feel better.

We only did the 'local' half of my dad's ashes a few weeks ago - I stood by where we'd scattered him and asked if he was proud of my new figure...did it really change me that much??! Why did life have to be about all the negatives - he really did mess up the chance of getting to know someone pretty ace by being fixated on that. His loss - and your mum's - not our's.

I hope this helped some. Here if you need to vent - PM me.

A xx
 
#16
Sorry to hear how you are feeling

A lot of complicated emotions for you Karma.
None of us knows how you feel inside.
You must do what your instinct tells you.
Don't worry at all about what other people think.

:hug99::hug99:
 
#18
KW, I am so sorry to read of your sad news. I've never been in the situation so can't offer you any advice but just wanted to send some hugs your way... xxx
 

Isis

Ancient Egypt Nut!
#19
So sorry to read this. Only you can make a decision that's best for you and we are here to support you in whatever way we can.

Best Wishes,

Lacey..xx :hug99:
 


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