FaithFluro
Skinny (to be) Stef
So, I'm so terrible at keeping journals I'm making another one after I realised I haven't updated my previous one in months!
I've been reading a few diaries around here and such...my favourites are those of who have just got to their goal weight and maintainers as, when you look back on the posts, you can really see what support they brought other people. I've been struggling for over a decade and if I could keep one other person above the water, it would mean so much to me.
My name's Stef and I started dieting roughly when I was about 8 years old. I wasn't fat at 8....I was a normal weight now I look back at the pictures from then, but I had a lot of problems. I went through some terrible things and at 8, I began puberty. I had always looked older than my age but now I was growing up in huge spurts that meant I was quickly growing out of my age range and on the cusp of 'women's' clothes, to which I thought were truly ugly. For the longest time I was the tallest and felt the biggest out of everyone in my class and anyone else I knew. At the time, I had a close relationship to my father (who is now estranged) and he was also a big man. I wanted to be exactly like my dad so I did everything like him...even the same portion sizes.
I never had many friends so most of the time I was with my parents and other adults. They treated me with food. As I got older and more independent, I started staying up late on the computer where my only friends were. After everyone had gone to bed, I would go on my nightly ritual hunt of food, grabbing at least a couple bags of crisps, some cake, warm up a microwave meal, perhaps make a sandwich or just some ham and claim various other things from the kitchen. I'd eat it all in front of the computer or television until my programs had finished and I knew I had to go to bed to face school the next day.
The weight began creeping on and I became more and more unhappy at school, getting bullied. My parents finally let me change to the school I was in at the very beginning of my school years but, because of my intelligence, I was put up two years from Year 8 to Year 10. I was doing GCSEs. There were a couple of other kids who were bright and ahead...but they kept mostly to themselves and were very unpopular. I wasn't liked and even though I desperately tried to make friends, practically the entire year turned against me. I became very depressed and I the illnesses that had started about a year before were getting worse. I was tired all the time with a lot of sore throats. Eventually I had so much time off, I finished that year and went down one, still putting me a year ahead. This time I got more friends and people I could relate to, but my depression got worse and I started dieting. At first it was perfectly normal...1200 cals a day and some exercise...but within days I was eating less and less and exercising more, realising how much I could change my daily deficit and lose more weight faster. By the end of it I was on an apple a day and several hours exercise. I was obsessed with Anorexia... Even more so, all through my years at this new school, I was cutting. One day it got so bad I was sent home and could not return.
I spent the next few years in disordered relationships with disordered eating patterns and trying to do home learning courses I just wasn't well enough to complete. I never got a qualification even though I joined MENSA when I was 7/8.
Last year, things began to change. I started college on a course for mature students. Unfortunately I dropped form that too, but I met an amazing guy I'm still with. Not long after I met him, I knew I wanted to be better for him and thinner to take pics with him and be confident. I didn't know what diet to do. I had tried Weight Watchers and even though I had lost weight, the counting out my daily points and planning what I could have with them was the same as counting calories. I tried to go fewer and fewer. A friend eventually suggested SW to me. Her mother had done it successfully. I talked to her Mum and I did some research and I signed up. I began losing weight, but sure enough I had some blips, I then had two weeks away for my 21st birthday and I put it all back on. I finally decided to go to a group. I had read about them and though the raffles and prizes were great incentives, if nothing else! I stopped my very pricey online subscription and went to group. That was almost 6 weeks ago from the time I write this, and I've never felt so positive, not lost so much weight so fast without starving myself and I think I have changed a lot of my mindset.
I still have very depressed days and days where I crave all the wrong foods...but I've done so well. I really want to be healthy again. I'm near a diagnosis of M.E. but I'm hoping it will ease up with the weight.
I'm hoping to get 'before' pics soon before I lose much more weight, lol. I will get the bf to clip some of my ugly form and try to get them up here asap. I'd love to have them taken at every size I lose. I'm still my starting size of 22! Keep checking here for piccies!
Here's to being skinny!
(P.s. This story is seriously condensed into what I think is a fairly decent background knowledge of my weight related problems. Other tales of my depression and illnesses and other bits and pieces have been left out because it would turn into a book!)
I've been reading a few diaries around here and such...my favourites are those of who have just got to their goal weight and maintainers as, when you look back on the posts, you can really see what support they brought other people. I've been struggling for over a decade and if I could keep one other person above the water, it would mean so much to me.
My name's Stef and I started dieting roughly when I was about 8 years old. I wasn't fat at 8....I was a normal weight now I look back at the pictures from then, but I had a lot of problems. I went through some terrible things and at 8, I began puberty. I had always looked older than my age but now I was growing up in huge spurts that meant I was quickly growing out of my age range and on the cusp of 'women's' clothes, to which I thought were truly ugly. For the longest time I was the tallest and felt the biggest out of everyone in my class and anyone else I knew. At the time, I had a close relationship to my father (who is now estranged) and he was also a big man. I wanted to be exactly like my dad so I did everything like him...even the same portion sizes.
I never had many friends so most of the time I was with my parents and other adults. They treated me with food. As I got older and more independent, I started staying up late on the computer where my only friends were. After everyone had gone to bed, I would go on my nightly ritual hunt of food, grabbing at least a couple bags of crisps, some cake, warm up a microwave meal, perhaps make a sandwich or just some ham and claim various other things from the kitchen. I'd eat it all in front of the computer or television until my programs had finished and I knew I had to go to bed to face school the next day.
The weight began creeping on and I became more and more unhappy at school, getting bullied. My parents finally let me change to the school I was in at the very beginning of my school years but, because of my intelligence, I was put up two years from Year 8 to Year 10. I was doing GCSEs. There were a couple of other kids who were bright and ahead...but they kept mostly to themselves and were very unpopular. I wasn't liked and even though I desperately tried to make friends, practically the entire year turned against me. I became very depressed and I the illnesses that had started about a year before were getting worse. I was tired all the time with a lot of sore throats. Eventually I had so much time off, I finished that year and went down one, still putting me a year ahead. This time I got more friends and people I could relate to, but my depression got worse and I started dieting. At first it was perfectly normal...1200 cals a day and some exercise...but within days I was eating less and less and exercising more, realising how much I could change my daily deficit and lose more weight faster. By the end of it I was on an apple a day and several hours exercise. I was obsessed with Anorexia... Even more so, all through my years at this new school, I was cutting. One day it got so bad I was sent home and could not return.
I spent the next few years in disordered relationships with disordered eating patterns and trying to do home learning courses I just wasn't well enough to complete. I never got a qualification even though I joined MENSA when I was 7/8.
Last year, things began to change. I started college on a course for mature students. Unfortunately I dropped form that too, but I met an amazing guy I'm still with. Not long after I met him, I knew I wanted to be better for him and thinner to take pics with him and be confident. I didn't know what diet to do. I had tried Weight Watchers and even though I had lost weight, the counting out my daily points and planning what I could have with them was the same as counting calories. I tried to go fewer and fewer. A friend eventually suggested SW to me. Her mother had done it successfully. I talked to her Mum and I did some research and I signed up. I began losing weight, but sure enough I had some blips, I then had two weeks away for my 21st birthday and I put it all back on. I finally decided to go to a group. I had read about them and though the raffles and prizes were great incentives, if nothing else! I stopped my very pricey online subscription and went to group. That was almost 6 weeks ago from the time I write this, and I've never felt so positive, not lost so much weight so fast without starving myself and I think I have changed a lot of my mindset.
I still have very depressed days and days where I crave all the wrong foods...but I've done so well. I really want to be healthy again. I'm near a diagnosis of M.E. but I'm hoping it will ease up with the weight.
I'm hoping to get 'before' pics soon before I lose much more weight, lol. I will get the bf to clip some of my ugly form and try to get them up here asap. I'd love to have them taken at every size I lose. I'm still my starting size of 22! Keep checking here for piccies!
Here's to being skinny!
(P.s. This story is seriously condensed into what I think is a fairly decent background knowledge of my weight related problems. Other tales of my depression and illnesses and other bits and pieces have been left out because it would turn into a book!)
