redhead66
This will be my year
I’m writing my thoughts, not in the expectation that anybody will find them particularly interesting or insightful, but in the hope that I can use them to keep me motivated when things get tough on my Cambridge journey.
My name is Vee, I’m (just) the wrong side of 40, and as the title says, I truly believe that I’m a foodaholic.
This is my third attempt at CD. The first time, I lost 56lb in 60 days
, and then got over confident… OK cocky, and complacent. Rather than working my way up through the plans to lose that last stone, I thought I knew best and did my own thing. Within 2 years all the weight was back with interest! The second time I managed 2 weeks before I had to give up through illness. It wasn’t caused by CD, but it was made worse by the extra weight. For the last year or so I’ve been piddling about and have restarted any number of times, but haven’t lasted beyond day 2 as my heart wasn’t really in it.
I’m about 7st heavier than I’d like to be, and it’s time to do something about it. My back’s shot; I’m starting to get out of breath when I walk any distance, and my PCOS symptoms are getting completely out of control. More importantly, my self-confidence has hit absolute rock bottom. I’m changing jobs in 5 weeks and I’m already dreading it, despite it being my dream job. I still don’t know how I found the confidence to go for the interviews, even less give a 30 minute presentation in front of people I didn’t know, but I did, and somehow I've managed to land my ideal job. What should be excitement is being completely overshadowed by the thoughts in my head – will I be the biggest one there? What will my new colleagues think of me? I’ll be travelling to the Far East several times a year - what about if I’m on one of the Eastern airlines whose seats are made for the smaller, slimmer nationalities? Already I have a huge inferiority complex, and am comparing myself to people that I haven’t even met yet... how stupid is that??
My biggest shock came from a discussion with a friend who’s a recovering alcoholic. We were discussing his recovery and I laughingly asked if I could go along to meetings with him because if you substitute food for booze, then I have exactly the same issues that he had with drink. I was gobsmacked when he said that he’s often thought that I have a totally unhealthy relationship with food, but has never dared to say anything because he didn’t know how I’d react, and he didn’t want to lose our friendship. I’ve cried, I’ve tried to deny it and to justify it as simply a love of good food, but I know it’s true – when I’m happy, sad, stressed, depressed, tired, I eat. When I got my new job, my celebration was a no-holds-barred trip around M&S food hall, followed by stuffing my face with all the goodies until I felt physically sick! Enough is enough, I don't want to feel like this, physically and emotionally knackered, so it's time to stop allowing food to rule my life.
The same friend sent me this quote, and I’m adopting it as my mantra for my CD journey:
“In the… days of recovery, just abstaining for that moment, hour, etc. is truly all we can do. If we can't do that, there's no point in worrying about tomorrow, or next week, or whenever.”
In the past, I’ve sabotaged myself by setting myself goals to lose 2st in 8 weeks etc. I’ve then found myself thinking that I have 56 days to lose 28lb, and first time round I did it within a month, so what does it matter if I’m not 100% today? After all, I’ve got 55 more days to achieve it… and of course I never did! This time, I’m looking no further ahead than getting through each day 100% SS.
Anyway, enough navel gazing, it’s time to get my fat ass into gear and reclaim my life. If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading – I promise the rest of my posts won’t be as depressing, but it was important for me to get this down in writing, to remind my exactly why I have to do it this time.
Night all
Vx
My name is Vee, I’m (just) the wrong side of 40, and as the title says, I truly believe that I’m a foodaholic.
This is my third attempt at CD. The first time, I lost 56lb in 60 days
, and then got over confident… OK cocky, and complacent. Rather than working my way up through the plans to lose that last stone, I thought I knew best and did my own thing. Within 2 years all the weight was back with interest! The second time I managed 2 weeks before I had to give up through illness. It wasn’t caused by CD, but it was made worse by the extra weight. For the last year or so I’ve been piddling about and have restarted any number of times, but haven’t lasted beyond day 2 as my heart wasn’t really in it.I’m about 7st heavier than I’d like to be, and it’s time to do something about it. My back’s shot; I’m starting to get out of breath when I walk any distance, and my PCOS symptoms are getting completely out of control. More importantly, my self-confidence has hit absolute rock bottom. I’m changing jobs in 5 weeks and I’m already dreading it, despite it being my dream job. I still don’t know how I found the confidence to go for the interviews, even less give a 30 minute presentation in front of people I didn’t know, but I did, and somehow I've managed to land my ideal job. What should be excitement is being completely overshadowed by the thoughts in my head – will I be the biggest one there? What will my new colleagues think of me? I’ll be travelling to the Far East several times a year - what about if I’m on one of the Eastern airlines whose seats are made for the smaller, slimmer nationalities? Already I have a huge inferiority complex, and am comparing myself to people that I haven’t even met yet... how stupid is that??
My biggest shock came from a discussion with a friend who’s a recovering alcoholic. We were discussing his recovery and I laughingly asked if I could go along to meetings with him because if you substitute food for booze, then I have exactly the same issues that he had with drink. I was gobsmacked when he said that he’s often thought that I have a totally unhealthy relationship with food, but has never dared to say anything because he didn’t know how I’d react, and he didn’t want to lose our friendship. I’ve cried, I’ve tried to deny it and to justify it as simply a love of good food, but I know it’s true – when I’m happy, sad, stressed, depressed, tired, I eat. When I got my new job, my celebration was a no-holds-barred trip around M&S food hall, followed by stuffing my face with all the goodies until I felt physically sick! Enough is enough, I don't want to feel like this, physically and emotionally knackered, so it's time to stop allowing food to rule my life.
The same friend sent me this quote, and I’m adopting it as my mantra for my CD journey:
“In the… days of recovery, just abstaining for that moment, hour, etc. is truly all we can do. If we can't do that, there's no point in worrying about tomorrow, or next week, or whenever.”
In the past, I’ve sabotaged myself by setting myself goals to lose 2st in 8 weeks etc. I’ve then found myself thinking that I have 56 days to lose 28lb, and first time round I did it within a month, so what does it matter if I’m not 100% today? After all, I’ve got 55 more days to achieve it… and of course I never did! This time, I’m looking no further ahead than getting through each day 100% SS.
Anyway, enough navel gazing, it’s time to get my fat ass into gear and reclaim my life. If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading – I promise the rest of my posts won’t be as depressing, but it was important for me to get this down in writing, to remind my exactly why I have to do it this time.
Night all
Vx
