sams refocus to goal

[Samnddud]

Hi all. Given I have lurked on here since the start of April when I began my CD journey; I thought it was time to start my own diary as now I am starting to really struggle yet I am only half way to where I want to be .

I am hoping that by keeping a diary will help me be more accountable to being 100% and will give me some of the focus I need to gettito where I want to be on e and for all.

I have lost 22lbs so far and want to do the same again to get me to goal. The problem I have now is that people have started to notice and the compliments have started and I feel and look so much better then I did when I started this thing.

This diet is hard enough to stick to when you feel bad enough in your skin that you really want to change but when everything around you is saying "you don't need to do this you look good" or "look how far you've come one little xyz want hurt" the diet has hoe from being hard to a daily mental battle of wills with my own head!!!

A battle at this moment I feel I am loosing unless I kick myself back into gear sharpish. Don't get me wrong I am not binging an gaining- I am however startinn to sneak in unnecessary protein and the result is I have slowed my losses right down to 2.5 lbs or less a week and have now on two occasions STS.

I the have the mental battle with- well you could loose that in Sw or ww, (but been there, done that, got the tshirt and FAILED here too!! I start well and drift off when I get to the high 10's. You see the pattern?

I have never in my adult life been thin and I feel I have missed out on quite a lot because of my weight. Making excuses not to do things or wear the clothes I want because I am embarassed by my size and shape. Why I keep sabotaging myself when I am getting so close I don't know. I was hoping this diet of abstinance would help me figure this out but I feel I am on the edge of slipping back into complacency where I can tolerate my size but I am not happy about it so will revert to bad habbits and continue to lead a "half life"

This is probably all rambly nonsence but I needed to throw my thoughts out there. I intend to update this daily from now on to try and reel myself back on track. For once I want to deal with my weight to the end goal and stop this half measures to half life attitude.

Maybe I am scared if all the things I could become if I allowed myself to get to goal?

Maybe I don't think I can do it, maybe I don't think I am worth it.

Whatever the reason I need to figure this out and get past it or stop wasting 45 quid a week kidding myself that I am 100%.

Refocus to goal.

Thanks for Reading.

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[Samnddud]

So far so good. Tetra done, peanut crunch bar for lunch and 1 and 3/4 litre of water down the hatch. My stomach is making a right racket though, in protest no doubt. Managed to get through my nephews 1st birthday party while everyone was eating party food and what looked like the most gorgeous cupcakes. I just hovered around with my glass of fizzy water and distracted myself with chit chat. It smelt great but not as good as I felt in refusing it knowing I am sticking to plan.

It's crazy how most social outings revolve around eating and drinking. No wonder so many of us struggle being faced with our biggest addiction everyday. I remember the cravings I had giving up smoking 6 years ago. They came and went, changed in intensity and messed with your brain In exactley the same way thoughts of food and eating play with you on CD.

Only trouble is sooner or later I will have to eat which makes it worse cos the little sodding voice in my head says- well why not have a little bit now, what harm can it do?

Well little sod (the naughty voices new name) I will tell you what harm it can do. Your slowing me down, you won't stop me getting to goal and one moments pleasure is not worth that.

Stay strong- the toughest part of the day is yet to come. Resist!

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[Samnddud]

Day 1 fully back on track is done. Couldn't help but jump on the scales this morning hoping to see a bit of encouraging movement and scales reported 3/4 of a lb on!!! What's that all about!!

Anyway I am not letting that influence my focus. Today will be another 100% day.

This can be done, I will get through today 100% and I will be another step forward on my journey.

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[Samnddud]

2nd 100% day done. Back I the zone. Wanted to eat around 4pm so took myself off for a walk for an hour and that sorted me right out.

While I was walking and observing my desire to eat fade away I kept thinking if something I read on here somewhere- real hunger is not an emergancy. It will wait. Emotional eating is where you need to eat right now- that's how you tell the difference. My mantra for today is "My hunger is not an emergancy".

Let's have it day three!!!

Going to avoid the scales until weigh in on Saturday morning- well I will allow myself one sneaky peak maybe on Friday.

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[coralprincess]

Well done Sam, you're doing great

 

[Samnddud]

Thanks Carla, I need all the support and encouragment I can get at the moment- my head is driving me round the blummin twist "EAT EAT EAT" its screaming at me, reminding me of how I can cheat and still have an ok'ish loss on Saturday (2.5lbs max). But I don't want an ok'ish loss I want a good or great one. I want to get SS out if the way as quick as poss (1 more stone!!!) so I can start working up the plans and getting to my goal weight. The more i add the creative cheats (bit of ham, bit of cheese a pickled chilli or some chicken) then the longer it will take to get to this point, so why am I even entertaining the idea!!

It's not like I am starving hungry- definitely in ketosis. This really is a head battle.

OH will be home in 45 minutes and we are going for a nice walk so I will be ok then. This time of day when I am home alone is defintely my danger time for sneaky emotional eating- SS or no SS I am going to have to find a way around this demon time!! If I don't I am not addressing the problems that got me overweight to start with .

Deep breath.

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[Samnddud]

Caved in last night, had a second bar and 50g of lean ham. I felt so guilty, even while I was eating them I thought "what are you doing, you don't even need this!" yet I ate it anyway. .

I knew I shouldn't but jumped on the scales this morning to see if it had shown and low and behold- 1/4 of a lb on .

I know in my head I am doing everything I shouldn't, little picking, scale jumping- yet I just can't seem to get a grip of myself at the moment!!

Equally though I must have had 700kcals yesterday and feel like I have let myself down because I am about to hit the third week running without loosing anything!! How is it even possible!!

I had a bit of a mental debate with self whilst walking the pooches this morning- seriously considering packing it all in. I landed with tellin myself that if I give in now I can kiss ever seeing the 9's goodbye and there is no way my body can refuse to hold on to this weight forever- even with the odd extra bar or piece of ham- it's just not possible!

I feel very groggy this morning and very achy- maybe coming down with something. Well that would just be the cherry on the top!

Well back on the wagon, porridge done this morning and a 2 litre bottle of water sat next to my laptop for the mornings consumption.

I don't feel at all hungry or have any desire to eat now- let's hope it continues throughout the day...

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[coralprincess]

How much do you have to lose? I never thought I'd see the 9's again but here I am

You need to think of CD as a positive, giving you your life back as opposed to a restriction, just keep saying it's not forever, get your head down & do it!!

You won't have gained fat, you would need to eat 1,750 calories to gain 1/2lb of fat, it's just water or glycogen refilling.

You can do it!

 

[Samnddud]

Thanks for the reply. I have another stone to go to get my bmi to 25 so I can move onto 810. Then just three more measly lbs for the 9's!!

Your right I just need to keep my head down and keep at it and sooner or later it will start showing on te scales.

Today has been a much better day so far and I am in no way tempted to cheat, no appitite for it at all. Head down till WI on Saturday now- no way can then scales keep this up- maybe I broke them with all the serial weighing!!

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[l8msu]

Hi,

I feel your pain!! You are doing the right thing though! Every time you ate hungry question yourself and picture you smiling and happy at your goal weight!

 

[coralprincess]

Oh, you're nearly there girl!! You'll be fine. It will be literally a few months for you.

Whenever I want to eat/see people eating & I 'can't' I tell myself that the food will only taste good whilst it's in my mouth, then I will feel worse after! And half the time it's never as good as you think it will be!

 

[Samnddud]

I failed to avoid the sneaky peaks as once again I could not resist and hurah!! 3lbs disappeared overnight! The scale actually thought about saying I had lost 5lbs before it said "no 3 will do for now" and I am absolutely delighted!!

Still have till Saturday before WI so there every chance I may loose more and I am so excited!! I am going to hold onto this happiess for the rest of the day as no quick nibble of food feels as rewarding as watching those scales nose dive!!

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[Samnddud]

Yay- another I.5lb appears to have melted off last night- no movement in two weeks and then 4.5lbs in two days!!! Woohooo!! Official weigh in day tomorrow- no way am I getting of track today, might even get the extra .5 lb - although I need to account for the fact I will be wearing clothes when my CDC wieghs me!!

To say I am delighted right now is an understatement- how hard the past two weeks have been somehow does not seem to matter anymore as it's worth seeing the scales start to plumet now.

Note to self- when it's tough remember it's not forever, it will pass, the results WILL follow.

I am now 1.5lb's away from the 10's!! Omg I haven't been in the 10's for 8 years. Happy, happy, happy.

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