Self confidence, body conscious, sex and a lot of other rambles!

Discussion in 'Weight Watchers' started by tokenfatgirl, 4 April 2010.

  1. tokenfatgirl

    tokenfatgirl Active Member

    So ive got a question and was wondering if anyone could share their experience or advice with me.

    Im 22, ive never had a proper relationship. I mean, there have been guys that ive been out on a few 'dates' with and stuff, i hate the word date, makes me feel about 13! But never really turned into a relationship. Whether thats them or me i dont know.

    Everyone says how im this really confident person who is happy to talk to people and who everyone likes and stuff. But i really dont feel that way at all. So either i am confident but dont feel it, which doesnt really make much sense. Or ive got good at making it seem like i am while inside im not.

    So theres been a few guys in the past who have shown an interest in me beyond a couple of dates but it seems im a cynic. I find it difficult to believe that a guy will ever actually really like me. Its like if a guy who is at least semi good looking tries chatting to me while im out i assume one of two things either a) hes blind b) its a joke or c) hes a mentalist.

    So I got kind of bullied into joining this dating site. Well not bullied but it got to a point where i did it just to shut him up. And now Ive been chatting to this guy for a few weeks and he seems really nice. We've chatted on the phone a few times, the first time was for almost 6 hours until 4am! He actually doesnt live very far away and so has talked about meeting up a few times and has suggested monday.

    I just dont know what to do though. Im actually kinda scared that he'll turn up and just be like oh... and be disappointed and not interested anymore. He's seen photos as there were some on the dating site, ive text him some and he added me on facebook, but yet I somehow feel like he doesnt really realise how fat I am and maybe expects a slightly chubby girl or something. So I dont know if I want to meet him in case that happens. I dont know. What do you guys think? Any advice or experiences to share?

    And then, my other thing is a bit more embarrassing really. Well not embarrassing, i dont know. Basically, ive never had sex. This isnt really related to the guy, im not planning on meeting him and then bringing him home after meeting him once, its more just another general thought brought on from it. The idea of someone seeing me naked is not a good one! It wont help that theres not been a person so far that ive particularly wanted to sleep with enough to want to get my kit off in front of them, but im not sure ill ever want to to be honest. Its like in my head even though I know my clothes dont exactly hide that im fat they do hide the extent of my lumps and bumps. Its like while youre dressed there are so many things that you can do to feel good about yourself. Nice clothes that you feel confident in, nice shoes, all that kind of thing but theres nothing you can do whilst naked. Youre just naked! Please tell me im not the only one who feels like this! How do you get passed it?

    Sorry that was a really long message. All of my friends are like size 8-14 so i dont think theyd really understand so i dont really have anyone to talk to about it all. Apart from one friend who just tells me that i should go for it and that im not fat, even though im 5-6 stone overweight, apparently im not fat, im tall and carry it well and am really pretty. But im not. Or I certainly dont feel it. And i certainly dont think that guys think it.
    Last edited: 4 April 2010
  2. Kater-tater

    Kater-tater Well-Known Member

    This guy has seen pictures of you, probly lots of them if hes on your facebook! He still wants to meet you, its not all about looks and if you can speak on the phone for 6 hours you must have a connection. It wont matter to him what you look experianced you are if he likes you. Which he has shown he does, if he likes you he will take it slow and you can just get to know each other and flirt, Once you are both in the same place of liking each other then it wont be so scary. promise, i have been there. Later bloomer too!
    Believe me, there are nice guys out there who like nice girls. No matter what they look like or how inscure they feel inside. To find someone nice is hard so give it a go if you think he might be worth it, what have you got to lose? :)
  3. Kater-tater

    Kater-tater Well-Known Member

    This guy has seen pictures of you, probly lots of them if hes on your facebook! He still wants to meet you, its not all about looks and if you can speak on the phone for 6 hours you must have a connection. It wont matter to him what you look experianced you are if he likes you. Which he has shown he does, if he likes you he will take it slow and you can just get to know each other and flirt, Once you are both in the same place of liking each other then it wont be so scary. promise, i have been there. Later bloomer too!
    Believe me, there are nice guys out there who like nice girls. No matter what they look like or how inscure they feel inside. To find someone nice is hard so give it a go if you think he might be worth it, what have you got to lose? :)
  4. tokenfatgirl

    tokenfatgirl Active Member

    I'm very picky with photos though, queen of the untag! They're pretty much all face and boobs up! But i know what youre saying, its what i keep trying to tell myself. But at the same time I find it so hard to actually accept and believe, that he wouldnt care. Its just not the stereotypical guy i imagine in my head i guess!

    umm what little confidence i do have about myself? lol
  5. Kater-tater

    Kater-tater Well-Known Member

    I have been there!!! I am also the queen of photoshop and greyscale! hides a multitude of sins! I met my bf on myspace (although i had seen him/had connections to him in real life, just not met) he had only seen me on myspace which was all posy/boobs and pout pics! When we met up i was so nervous i could have vomited ahaha he actually said i looked better in real life than in the pics (lies :p)

    You dont need a guy, thats my main adivce. I didnt get a bf/first kiss till i was 16 and that only happened once i had said 'bugger it, i dont care!'
    You should be confident anyway, you seem like a lovely person.
    If he doesnt like you, thats not a refletion on you, its a reflection on him. But he does like you, and wants to meet you, so just be safe, tell someone where ur going and give it a go. If you dont you would regret it!

    Come on woman! knock him dead!
  6. tokenfatgirl

    tokenfatgirl Active Member

    Aww I'm glad theres a happy story there, makes me think maybe its not all bad!

    See everyone says how lovely a person I am. It seems that if guys went on personality it would be fine. Its just a shame about the spare tyres I carry on my stomach!
  7. Kater-tater

    Kater-tater Well-Known Member

    Happy endings happen...we been togther over 2 years and are planning on getting engaged eventually. and...believe me ive got a tub too! i was a stone+ heavyer when i met him but its about your personality!!!! Good luck :)
  8. mommyB

    mommyB love it

    I've put quite a bit of weight on since i met my husband, but even tho we've been together for nearly 15 years, have 2 lovely children i still have trouble beleiving that he still fancies !!! How daft does that sound-he quite clearly does-actions speak louder and all that.

    What i guess i am trying to demonstrate is that others dont always see us as we see ourselves and we should learn to accept that people do like us for us. Its not easy but it must be true , my kids are half me and they are beautiful so how can i be the troll i sometimes think i am.

    I really think that you have nothing to loose by meeting this guy , but take it one step at a time-if he's genuine he'll go at your pace and if he's not well then he's not the one.

    good luck and let us know how it goes
  9. tokenfatgirl

    tokenfatgirl Active Member

    Maybe i just need to stop being quite so pathetic and take a chance.
  10. LauraLoo

    LauraLoo Well-Known Member

    Oh you're not being pathetic, honestly. Bless you, confidence/self esteem issues are horrible. Have you ever talked to a counsellor or anything?

    I was slimmer than I am now when I met my OH, but have never been a toned size 10 or anything - the media paints such a perfect image of women, but it's rarely true....even slim people have bits they dislike!

    Go and meet this guy if you want to, have fun and see what happens. If he is any sort of person he won't be judging you based purely on appearances, and if he does then he is a shallow ***** and not worth it! ;-)

    As for the sex assured, men are worrying about their, erm, performance too and won't notice half the things you think they might! ;-) Also good lighting helps, haha! Just some nice candles or something. :) Don't stress about that though, there is absolutely no shame that you have waited until things are right for you....take each bit a step at a time.

    Hugs to you xxx
  11. Auburn

    Auburn x x x

    If you don't take the risk, you will never know :) Instead of asking yourself what you have to lose, ask what you could gain!

    I met my fella on the internet, we hadn't met in real life until we'd spoken for maybe 3 months online, I had much the same concerns as yourself in the body confidence stakes... I was convinced that the second he saw the barrel-on-legs that is me, that would be it, friendship over. He had only seen maybe 3 or 4 myspace-esque pictures, no full body pics, and I had seen 2 pictures of him. Then one day I have no idea what happened, I just thought I'd go for it. And honestly, I do not regret that decision. That was summer 2008 and we're officially "a thing" now, met parents on both sides, and everything. Mini-breaks, the lot... I even have a toothbrush in his bathroom :p

    As for the being nekkid thing... I don't wish to sound like a Hollywood Film script but when it's the right person, you will know, and you will feel comfortable to a point where him seeing your wobbly bits doesn't actually matter. I honestly believe that. Personally, I get times where I feel super confident, and sexy, and stuff, and others, I do insist on the light being off haha but it doesn't bother him, it seems to be just in my head. I have varied between a size 18 and a size 24 during our relationship. Between 17st and 19.5st.

    Don't forget, guys have their bits they don't like too. They just don't seem so openly concerned about it. I have caught my fella, on more than one occasion, looking at his "beer belly" in the mirror with a grump on his face, but the second he realises I'm there, the whole facade changes...
  12. Meike

    Meike ..crawling after ze wagon


    I was exactly the same - ppl used to say that I am that confident, tough and yes, overweight-but-not-fat person that I just couldn't see in the mirror. And guys? well, it must've been a joke they were playing on me when they started talking to me.. No way I could belive that anyone would see me in any other way that I'd see myself..
    Unitl I realised that that grumpy, unhappy person that i see in my reflection is just that - a reflection of how I feel when I start thinking too much, being negative, frustrated and depressed. But that there is that other person inside me, the happy, funny one that just comes out with ppl I feel confident with, my close friends, family - but certainly not when I was around guys.. So I stopped worrying and tried to just have a good time, stop showing that grumpy self to anyone who tried to get near me and just take the risk.. *grins* ok, didn't happen overnight and it certainly wasn't easy.. but on the long run I learned that I am more of that happy person than I ever have been of that grumpy one - and that makes me happy, whether I am with someone or not..

    And just being happy with who you are (not necesary how you look) is just so attractive - EVEN to guys ;)

    So what you shall do with that guy? meet him - go out and just risk being disappointed.. the worse that can happen is that you wil be dis-illusioned (sp) from the mental picture you have of that guy.. And that is a good thing as you're not living in an illusion about him anymore, and then there's time for another one, which might be less of an illusion but more genuine..
    And if it turns out that this chap is a really nice guy, and is how you came to know him over the phone etc, you have just won! :D So you really can't lose, can you?

    And re sex or getting naked: don't worry about that (just yet :p) - there are so many enjoyable little steps in between meeting a man, kissing him to getting down to it - just take your time and enjoy each little step.. you will gain confidence around the guy the more you know each other and you'll come to a point when you don't care about what he might think about your wobbly bits - and you will be able to enjoy his touch and you will want more and more.. just take the time you need to get there - it's such a nice time to get to know each other('s body)..

    Good luck with tomorrow!!
  13. The Punisher

    The Punisher Well-Known Member

    Meet him, meet him, meet him!!
    I met my last 2 fellas online. Took me months to work up the guts to meet the last one. He knew I wasn't Cheryl Cole, he knew I was following WW, he knew how unhappy I was with my body/looks etc..Like you, I'd emailed him pics and he'd seent he hand picked pics on Facebook. And he didn't care. He fancied me, more importantly, we got along amazingly well so it was all worth it.

    So do it do it DO IT!!!! What do you have to lose? Apart from a potentially nice guy?
  14. Surfhunny

    Surfhunny Laugh in the face of food

    Meet him hun, I replied on your other post, you should read it. xxx
  15. vicki_ww

    vicki_ww Well-Known Member

    Gotta kiss alot of frog before you kiss a prince. this guy might not be mr right but you have to meet guys to find mr right, Give him a chance to like you in person. You might be suprised or of course you might see him think shrek and run for the hills
  16. Jeep

    Jeep Otherwise known as Jools

    Go on meet him :) and have the time of your life. It sounds like he likes you alot already. If he didnt then he wouldnt talk to you for hours on end. He has seen some pics of you and still wants to meet up with you.

    I know exactly where you are coming from. A few years ago I met this really handsome man when I was around 17st in weight and we became firm friends and ended up having some very intimate moments indeed, and these carried on even when I put on more and more weight but he still wanted to be with me. He did actually say that he was not attracted to me because of my size but that my personality won him over. I too was very shy about being naked in front of him but then always remembered an article in Cosmo or something like that many years before in which it said that if the man didnt like you or want to be with you he would not sleep with you. It boosted my confidence and I had some lovely times.

    Go on meet him and have some fun.

    :) good luck dearie and let us know how it went :D
  17. Meike

    Meike ..crawling after ze wagon

    Hey Token! How did you do? Did you go and see him last monday?? How was it?!?! How was he??

    Come on, don't let us wait here - we want details!!!
  18. tokenfatgirl

    tokenfatgirl Active Member

    Sorry, its been a really busy week with work! I did go and meet him and actually it was a lot better than I thought. While im sure he noticed my extra weight (its kinda hard to miss!) he really didnt make it obvious at all, so maybe he wasnt bothered. He said that he wanted to do something again soon and there might have been a sneaky little kiss goodbye! So yeah, surprisingly well really. Maybe men deserve more credit than i actually give them most of the time!
  19. tokenfatgirl

    tokenfatgirl Active Member

    Just want to say than you to all of you. I really appreciate all the advice and experiences that youve shared, especially as im basically a stranger! x
  20. Auburn

    Auburn x x x

    You go girl :D Glad it went well!!x

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