Self confidence, body conscious, sex and a lot of other rambles!

[tokenfatgirl]

So ive got a question and was wondering if anyone could share their experience or advice with me.

Im 22, ive never had a proper relationship. I mean, there have been guys that ive been out on a few 'dates' with and stuff, i hate the word date, makes me feel about 13! But never really turned into a relationship. Whether thats them or me i dont know.

Everyone says how im this really confident person who is happy to talk to people and who everyone likes and stuff. But i really dont feel that way at all. So either i am confident but dont feel it, which doesnt really make much sense. Or ive got good at making it seem like i am while inside im not.

So theres been a few guys in the past who have shown an interest in me beyond a couple of dates but it seems im a cynic. I find it difficult to believe that a guy will ever actually really like me. Its like if a guy who is at least semi good looking tries chatting to me while im out i assume one of two things either a) hes blind b) its a joke or c) hes a mentalist.

So I got kind of bullied into joining this dating site. Well not bullied but it got to a point where i did it just to shut him up. And now Ive been chatting to this guy for a few weeks and he seems really nice. We've chatted on the phone a few times, the first time was for almost 6 hours until 4am! He actually doesnt live very far away and so has talked about meeting up a few times and has suggested monday.

I just dont know what to do though. Im actually kinda scared that he'll turn up and just be like oh... and be disappointed and not interested anymore. He's seen photos as there were some on the dating site, ive text him some and he added me on facebook, but yet I somehow feel like he doesnt really realise how fat I am and maybe expects a slightly chubby girl or something. So I dont know if I want to meet him in case that happens. I dont know. What do you guys think? Any advice or experiences to share?

And then, my other thing is a bit more embarrassing really. Well not embarrassing, I dont know. Basically, Ive never had sex. The idea of someone seeing me naked is not a good one! It wont help that theres not been a person so far that ive particularly wanted to sleep with enough to want to get my kit off in front of them, but im not sure ill ever want to to be honest. Its like in my head even though I know my clothes dont exactly hide that im fat they do hide the extent of my lumps and bumps. Its like while youre dressed there are so many things that you can do to feel good about yourself. Nice clothes that you feel confident in, nice shoes, all that kind of thing but theres nothing you can do whilst naked. Youre just naked! Please tell me im not the only one who feels like this! How do you get passed it?

Sorry that was a really long message. All of my friends are like size 8-14 so i dont think theyd really understand so i dont really have anyone to talk to about it all. Apart from one friend who just tells me that i should go for it and that im not fat, even though im 5-6 stone overweight, apparently im not fat, im tall and carry it well and am really pretty. But im not. Or I certainly dont feel it. And i certainly dont think that guys think it.

 

[determinator]

Hi
welcome to the forum , great place to get advice and support and to have a good moan when things are not going to plan !!!
I met quite a few men off the internet when I was single and I always found they were much more nervous than me so I think you should just be brave and go for it , make sure you meet in a safe busy place etc but I would just go for it , if you dont get on , then you havent lost anything , but if you dont do it you will always wonder ...
I met my other half on a chat room and now we have been together 5 years , have 2 kids and getting married in august so it really can work out , although I did meet a few toads first ...

as for the sex thing , when you meet someone who you trust and like enough to think about having sex then you feel much more confident . although as you are on CD you may well be much skinnier in a few months so you wont have any body issues to even worry about , that said .. , most men are more nervous and worried about their bodies , size ( , performance etc .. to notice any wobbly bits etc so I really wouldnt let it worry you , dont rush into anything and wait till you feel ready and totally at ease with someone and it will all come naturally

katie

 

[tokenfatgirl]

Thanks katie. I think i ust need to take the bull by the horns and get on with it. I guess if it doesnt work out i havent really lost anything and ill soon get past it!

 

[lancslass53]

i agree with everything Katie has said, i also met my hubby on a dating site, we got talking as he used to live on the same estate and he was only a few miles away, we talked for a couple of months before we met. Go for it, if it doesnt work out then its not meant to be

good luck

 

[sumayyah]

hey hun and welcome to cambridge

ive met quite a few guys online, i have terrible self confidance and self esteem and ive always called when ive arrived and given the guy the option to cancel at this point, erm guys think im nuts for that

with all the guys ive met ive knocked back wayyyyyy more than have knocked me back, honestly only one has said i wasnt what they had expected and we parted, all the other guys wanted to activly persue a relationship, one guy used to drive 4 hours on a friday night to spend the weekend with me, i used to ask what the hell he saw in me ( he was very fit, a squaddie and i know girls who were trying to tempt him away ) for some reason he thought i was pretty and sexy despite the fact i was over 23 stone when we met ( and it was me that ended the relationship after 5 months, he still calls to see if i will take him back )

so hun dont be afraid, when YOU are ready then go and see him and see where the date leads you

 

[Laura Croft]

I really admire your openness and honesty TFG. One thing I had to learn was the difference between self-esteem and self-confidence, and that was actually thanks to someone on here.

Self-esteem is about your opinion of yourself and self-confidence is about your ability to do things. I used to have loads of confidence but really lacked the self-esteem.

Once I had better self-esteem, I wanted to treat myself better and that was a huge part of my eating issues.

 

[Surfhunny]

Hey hun, I've just read your post and I could've written that myself. I definitely put on a confident front when deep down inside I was far from confident. I'm actually quite shy and really need to work at not hiding in the background all the time.

Anyway a few of my friends have met their partners on dating sites so I thought I'd give it a go and I met AP, and then went through pretty much what you're going through now. Because I got fat while I was away at uni I decided I couldn't let anyone near me while I was in that state, I was way too embarrassed to let anyone see me naked. So I'd push men away so that I would never have to face the issue.

And because of that when I started seeing AP I hadn't had sex for 10 years so it was totally like the first time all over again, BUT like someone else said you'll know when it's right because hormones etc take over and you won't want to stop it. AP didn't care that I had lumpy bits or a wobbly bum and he's actually completely cured me of the little sex phobia I'd developed.

So my advice hun, is go out with this guy, if it's right, everything else will just fall into place and he'll make you feel special no matter what. My relationship with AP didn't last unfortunately but I don't regret it. I wouldn't be feeling better about myself now if we hadn't given it a go.

Good luck hun
Sal xxx

 

[tokenfatgirl]

Well, so i met him on Tuesday, he said about going for a drink or something again soon. Seemed like it went well but its now Tuesday and i havent heard from him since Thursday so maybe hes changed his mind! He may just have been busy though i suppose, we shall see i guess. I dont know whether to read that as hes busy or not interested. Theres been quite a few times when its like this, quiet for a few days, even a week or so. Hes generally pretty busy especially over the weekend so i dont know. I probably shouldnt text again really, have sent 2 or 3 since over the weekend so will leave it now or at least wait until the end of the week.

 

[emma&alex]

I met my other half on the internet, on a band message board. I spoke to him for about 2 years on and off and he always asked about meeting and I always made excuses why not. i'd only ever sent a couple of pictures and at the time didn't have a facebook or myspace or anything like that. It wasn't all that much talking, maybe once or twice a week, then it slowly built up and we'd be speaking till stupid times in the morning etc.
At the time I was living with my friend, who was aware of this lad I was talking to, and used to answer the phone to him etc, but that was all. Then she decided she would invite him to stay at our flat on my behalf (the bugger). I got to the point where I couldn't say no any longer so I just let it all happen. I'd also never had sex before, and was so nervous about him seeing me, just in general nevermind in bed!
Well, we're still together now (3 years ago we met) and we have a little boy who is nearly 2!
Sometimes you've just got to get on with it, i'd left it so long, and I was seriously scared but I decided I could carry on miserable or I could just meet him, and if it ended in tears, then so be it..i'll get over it and it'll make me stronger in the long run. Luckily we're still together though.

The whole sex thing too, it doesnt have to be all nude and prancing around like a porn star, just keep yourself covered with a sheet or something and you'll feel comfortable with the right person.

 

[X_Tasha_X]

Hi hun

I hope your feeling a little better today. I know how you feel about having no self-esteam. Its something i lack alot in, i like to put on a strong happy giggly front but i shy away alot, mostly lurking in the back ground. I hate talking to good looking slim people i dont really know to well (as horrible as that sounds) as i feel so ashamed and embarressed of my weight. Its not a very nice feeling at all so i'm there with you hun. Just knowing your going to be starting to lose weight makes you feel alot better in yourself and feel happy.

I met my lovely sexy/gorgeous BF Andreas on the internet hehe!! I used to chat on a chat site (not a dating one) and he came into the chat room and tried to talk to me. I was having non of it and ignored him for 2weeks as he was trying to chat me up lol (he liked my personality) it was nothing sexual or anything like that he just liked my personality and wanted to get to know me more. We ended up talking online and then the phone like 8 hours a day EVERY SINGLE DAY for 16months. Yes 16months!!! I wouldnt let him meet me as i was so ashamed of being fat and ugly. The amount of times he begged to come and see me and i said no (because i was ashamed of my weight) i had been hurt by men so much in the past. I dont think i could have coped if he didnt like me. The whole 16months he had no idea i was over weight and it was something i hid from him trying so hard to lose the weight so i could meet him. I Used to get so upset thinking i would never get to ever meet him and that if i did meet him he would just turn me down and i would be HEART BROKEN... i had never loved anyone so much in my life and i hadnt even met him.

Then one day i said enough is enough and i just told him expecting that would be the last time i heard from him, and yes he went mad.... mad that i had let my weight (all 23stone of me) be the reason he couldnt meet me for 16months. He booked his flight 2weeks later and 1 1/2 years on we now live together....... I've never been so happy!!!!

The point i am getting at is there is no reason your weight is the reason men wont like you, because 9 times out of 10 weight dont matter to men... and i mean men not boys!!!

When the right person comes along you will just know, your personalities will click and you will just know that everything is going well. Dont worry to much about it at the moment hun, just enjoy yourself with your friends and when the right man comes along he will love you for you. As for the sex thing i do know what you mean because i hate Andreas to see me naked. If fact i dont let him see me naked, hes not allowed in the same room as me if i am getting changed. The bedroom has to be in complete darkness if we get jiggy with it. I cant wait for the day i can feel sexy and wear sexy kinky stuff for him haha... maybe leave the lights on haha!! That day will come when i lose this weight.

If you ever need someone to have a chat to about things or even a shoulder to cry on or someone to give you a little boost then please pm me because i have been there hun. Half of me is still there. Your not the only one who has felt or feels like your feeling please remember that.

Take Care hun xxxx