The Mens Rules!


Staff member
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Now that the rules are clear we can all live in peace!

oooh you've got a lot to learn young
I've just heard he might be coming to the wemitt meet at Birmingham in November ...... and I have a VERY long memory!! ;)
<GASP!!> Consider yourself slapped in advance you cheeky monkey!! ;)

Where on earth did you form these opinions at such a tender age?????? What groups do u mix in?

My advice, for what it's worth is to scrap everything you just posted, ask us all on here what we think(and yr mum!).....and then think if a review is required!!!!

His friend sent him these earlier on tonight in retalations of the "Womens Rules"!!:rolleyes:
Rules for the Modern Woman

Rules for the Modern Woman

In the interests of better understanding between the sexes, it is time that the rules of engagement were codified, at least for women, since they seem to be under some illusions about how we blokes view the world.
So girls, if you have any questions about any of the rules, talk to an available non-SNAG or T.U.R.D. (Totally Understanding Relationships Dude) for clarification.
And remember, mistakes will be tolerated as long as they are infrequent and you apologise nicely.
This is vital information that should be imparted to daughters when they are young so they get it right when they grow up.
  1. Two pies and a few beers at a footy game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
  2. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress exactly like all our friends. Thus, you can buy almost anything we need at Just Jeans or Lowes.
  3. If we see you in the morning and at night, why do we need to call you from work?
  4. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear? And what exactly is wrong with those sexy colours you say make you look like a whore?
  5. You probably wouldn't want to know what we're thinking about.
  6. Silence is golden and does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
  7. Things you can help with: raising the children, the Sunday crossword, gardening, the dishes, cleaning, washing the cars and grocery shopping.
  8. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, assembling anything that's easy to assemble, watching anything on TV, playing cards, smoking cigars and choosing the beer.
  9. Socks do not constitute a gift.
  10. Department stores and shopping malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tyres, hardware or sporting equipment nearby.
  11. We don't know anything about clothes/handbags/shoes/belts/jewellery. Or matching things together. Or what colours go with your skin. Don't even ask.
  12. We did water the plants. They died anyway. It is an immutable law of the Universe. Nobody knows why this happens.
  13. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
  14. Our old clothes are friends, companions, and treasured artefacts of a bygone age. You throw them away or convert them into polishing rags at your peril.
  15. A discussion is where sincere views are frankly aired in rational debate. Most men enjoy a discussion, so try to avoid the temptation to turn it into an argument by bursting into tears and storming out of the room if you do not agree on a minor point.
  16. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
  17. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
  18. It is in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together.
  19. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation are not.
  20. Dinner out is a reasonable birthday present. Two tickets to a rugby game is much better.
  21. No, you cannot have the remote control.
  22. No, I will not turn down the volume on the hifi.
  23. If you must take us with you into lingerie shops, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and it only adds to our discomfort.
  24. Buying things that are bargains simply because they are bargains is not the same as saving money.
  25. Having young skin is probably a good thing, but not if it's wrapped around an old body.
  26. Inability or unwillingness to cook for us is not a charming 90's feminine trait.
  27. Moving the furniture around every few weeks does not make the house more liveable. It impinges upon our sense of continuity.
  28. We know that you are not really dressing nicely and attending to your make-up for our benefit, so don't bother pretending.
  29. We cannot tell you what we feel, only what we think.
  30. If after a few years we don't pay you so much attention and don't compliment you all the time it's not because we love you any less, it's because we don't like you as much.
  31. Hair styles are not a constant source of fascination for us. If we don't notice that you've changed yours, it's because we fundamentally don't care, so please don't get upset about it.
  32. Astrology, numerology, palm readings, clairvoyancy and anything to do with crystals is complete bollucks designed for the exploitation of the weak of mind and spirit. Please do not make it obvious if you are in this category. We will only reveal our birthdays if you promise not to tell us what star signs we are.
  33. If you must share your most intimate secrets with girlfriends or any other woman who will talk to you on a train, we prefer anonymity. Just refer to me as "Mr X" so your friends don't glare at me when I meet them.
  34. Men are generally more interesting company than women, so when you're invited somewhere try not to bore the guys, and leave quietly if you're asked to.
Based on an unoriginal message by Bob Highland, received February 1997.
The Rules for Men and Women from Andy Ruddock!

The Rules for Men and Women

From Andy Ruddock

Women's 50 Rules For Dealing With Men
  1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.
  2. Be ambigious. Always.
  3. Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault.
  4. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or weeks ago. Get mad when they don't remember.
  5. Make them apologize for everything.
  6. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.
  7. Gossip. Gossip about everything that walks.
  8. Play Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know," loud. Look at them. Smile.
  9. Look them in the eye and start laughing.
  10. Cry.
  11. Get mad at them for everything.
  12. Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.
  13. Hold grudges.
  14. Demand to be e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.
  15. When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.
  16. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his "little princess."
  17. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.
  18. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24-7. Compare and contrast.
  19. Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone. Independence is a sign of weakness.
  20. Cry.
  21. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.
  22. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i.e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library...for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.
  23. Fall for your FAC.
  24. Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.
  25. Correct their grammar.
  26. Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.
  27. Leave out the good parts in stories.
  28. Make sure to only be interested in guys in the same friendship group. Make sure to cause trouble.
  29. Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.
  30. Cry.
  31. Declare that you are not wacko.
  32. Criticize the way they dress.
  33. Criticize the music they listen to.
  34. Criticize their hair.
  35. Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.
  36. Try to change them.
  37. Try to mold them.
  38. Try to get them to dance.
  39. Pretend you're interested, lead them on, then feign ignorance when confronted.
  40. Cry.
  41. When they screw up, never let them forget it.
  42. Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting. Just because.
  43. Blame everything on PMS.
  44. Blame everything on PMS only after it has been blamed on them.
  45. Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"
  46. Get mad if they don't notice a haircut. Even if it's only a half inch.
  47. Read into everything.
  48. Over-analyze everything.
  49. Cry.
  50. Make it your goal to make them cry.

Women's Rules for Men
  1. The female always makes The Rules.
  2. The Rules are subject to change without prior notification.
  3. No male can possibly know all The Rules.
  4. If the female suspects the male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
  5. The female is never wrong.
  6. If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
  7. If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
  8. The female may change her mind at any time.
  9. The male must never change his mind without the expressed written consent of the female.
  10. The female has every right to be angry and upset at any time.
  11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
  12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
  13. The male is expected to mind read at all times.
  14. The male who does not abide by The Rules cannot take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
  15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.
  16. If the female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void.
  17. The female is ready when she is ready.
  18. The male must be ready at all times.

Men's Rules For Dealing With Women
  1. Don't call. Ever.
  2. Lie.
  3. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
  4. Be as ambiguous as possible.
  5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.
  6. No matter what, it isn't your fault.
  7. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help.
  8. Women like it when you ignore them.
  9. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
  10. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
  11. Deny everthing. Everything.
  12. Use the best break up line, "It's not you, it's me".
  13. Don't have a clue. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
  14. Feelings? What feelings?
  15. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. Don't even think about saying it.
  16. ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.
  17. It's OK if you forget trivial things, like your girlfriend's birthday and eye color.
  18. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
  19. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
  20. Don't ever notice anything.
  21. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.
  22. If the question begins with "why", the answer is "I don't know".
  23. If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven wrong, blame others.
  24. If anyone asks you for a favour -
    • (a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it;
    • (b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every day for the rest of their life.
    • Lie.
    • Source: The Laughing Place: Rules for Men and Women