Rules for the Modern Woman
Rules for the Modern Woman
In the interests of better understanding between the sexes, it is time that the rules of engagement were codified, at least for women, since they seem to be under some illusions about how we blokes view the world.
So girls, if you have any questions about any of the rules, talk to an available non-SNAG or T.U.R.D. (Totally Understanding Relationships Dude) for clarification.
And remember, mistakes will be tolerated as long as they are infrequent and you apologise nicely.
This is vital information that should be imparted to daughters when they are young so they get it right when they grow up.
- Two pies and a few beers at a footy game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
- Unlike you, we essentially want to dress exactly like all our friends. Thus, you can buy almost anything we need at Just Jeans or Lowes.
- If we see you in the morning and at night, why do we need to call you from work?
- Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear? And what exactly is wrong with those sexy colours you say make you look like a whore?
- You probably wouldn't want to know what we're thinking about.
- Silence is golden and does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
- Things you can help with: raising the children, the Sunday crossword, gardening, the dishes, cleaning, washing the cars and grocery shopping.
- Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, assembling anything that's easy to assemble, watching anything on TV, playing cards, smoking cigars and choosing the beer.
- Socks do not constitute a gift.
- Department stores and shopping malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tyres, hardware or sporting equipment nearby.
- We don't know anything about clothes/handbags/shoes/belts/jewellery. Or matching things together. Or what colours go with your skin. Don't even ask.
- We did water the plants. They died anyway. It is an immutable law of the Universe. Nobody knows why this happens.
- Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
- Our old clothes are friends, companions, and treasured artefacts of a bygone age. You throw them away or convert them into polishing rags at your peril.
- A discussion is where sincere views are frankly aired in rational debate. Most men enjoy a discussion, so try to avoid the temptation to turn it into an argument by bursting into tears and storming out of the room if you do not agree on a minor point.
- Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
- Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
- It is in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together.
- Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation are not.
- Dinner out is a reasonable birthday present. Two tickets to a rugby game is much better.
- No, you cannot have the remote control.
- No, I will not turn down the volume on the hifi.
- If you must take us with you into lingerie shops, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and it only adds to our discomfort.
- Buying things that are bargains simply because they are bargains is not the same as saving money.
- Having young skin is probably a good thing, but not if it's wrapped around an old body.
- Inability or unwillingness to cook for us is not a charming 90's feminine trait.
- Moving the furniture around every few weeks does not make the house more liveable. It impinges upon our sense of continuity.
- We know that you are not really dressing nicely and attending to your make-up for our benefit, so don't bother pretending.
- We cannot tell you what we feel, only what we think.
- If after a few years we don't pay you so much attention and don't compliment you all the time it's not because we love you any less, it's because we don't like you as much.
- Hair styles are not a constant source of fascination for us. If we don't notice that you've changed yours, it's because we fundamentally don't care, so please don't get upset about it.
- Astrology, numerology, palm readings, clairvoyancy and anything to do with crystals is complete bollucks designed for the exploitation of the weak of mind and spirit. Please do not make it obvious if you are in this category. We will only reveal our birthdays if you promise not to tell us what star signs we are.
- If you must share your most intimate secrets with girlfriends or any other woman who will talk to you on a train, we prefer anonymity. Just refer to me as "Mr X" so your friends don't glare at me when I meet them.
- Men are generally more interesting company than women, so when you're invited somewhere try not to bore the guys, and leave quietly if you're asked to.
Based on an unoriginal message by Bob Highland, received February 1997.
