Weight loss affecting your relationship?

[laura269]

Hi all,

I'm into week 16 on SS and have lost 58lbs now

Just wanted to know, have any of you experienced a change in your relationship with your partner since loosing weight? I really feel like the weight loss has brought to a head our relationship and so many things have changed.

I've always thought I'm not good enough to be with my partner (he is good looking I was fat!) and let him get away with so much ie drinking gambling etc etc but I really feel like a new person who isn't ready to just roll over and accept any more. I feel like I'm rambling here as i'm quite emotional as we've been together 14 yrs (1st loves) and have 2 beautiful children together. But i truly believe this is the end of the line for us.

Just apprecaite any of your views really.

Thanks x

 

[jockiejoe]

Steady yourself, dont allow ur head to roam. Take space n breathe, create room and sit down n chat ur fears n worries out. Chance been that he is feeling unsecure. 2 kids and 14 yrs is worth fighting for. Good luck

 

[Emma1904]

2 kids and 14 years is so worth fighting for.

When I started my journey my OH and I were in bed and we kissed goodnight, turned off the light and I turned over then out of the dark this little voice went...'Are you going to get skinny and leave me?' I reassured her that I am not going anywhere.

Things have changed though, we talk a lot more about things, we have hit a rough patch, I had an ex rear their head, telling me that I looked good etc and I had my head turned by it...nothing happened but it caused problems, problems that we have overcome now but we had them!

Things can be resolved but you have to want to, good luck to you and whatever you decide to do xxx

 

[FB1]

Hi I haven't lost any weight yet ( only started this week)but I know what you mean about letting them get away with things. I would just say try to make small changes and talk to your partner as they are probably having lots of new feelings and experiences due to your weightloss. I think this situation is common when people loose weight and it needs a bit of give and take on both sides.
Good Luck.

 

[happyhealthy]

I think when you lose weight, you become more attractive to the opposite sex and this can come as a threat to your relationship.

Think of it this way, a guy has a girlfriend who he loves dearly. She's always been on the heavier side with not much confidence and because of this, the guy doesn't worry too much when she's on nights out with her friends. Suddenly, the girl loses a lot of weight, can wear much more flattering clothes, gains a lot of confidence and he's overheard other men commenting on how good she looks.
Of course he's going to feel threatened, you are his and suddenly he's got competition. We're all red blooded cavemen at heart after all.

And perhaps now that you've lost weight, you're feeling that you have some self worth and you deserve better than a man who goes out gambling and drinking, because you know that you're better than that. However, you've got 2 children so you'll need to think about them. All I will say is that it's much better to have two happy parents living apart than two parents living together unhappily. xx

 

[laura269]

My post does make it sound as if I'm thinking of leaving him because i've lost weight but that's not really the case.

I've known for years he will never change but I just think my new lease of life has given me the confidence to at least think about ending it.

It hurts so much to think of my children and how it will effect them but sometimes just staying together for the children just isn't the right thing to do is it?

 

[coralprincess]

I think when you lose weight, you become more attractive to the opposite sex and this can come as a threat to your relationship.

Think of it this way, a guy has a girlfriend who he loves dearly. She's always been on the heavier side with not much confidence and because of this, the guy doesn't worry too much when she's on nights out with her friends. Suddenly, the girl loses a lot of weight, can wear much more flattering clothes, gains a lot of confidence and he's overheard other men commenting on how good she looks.
Of course he's going to feel threatened, you are his and suddenly he's got competition. We're all red blooded cavemen at heart after all.

And perhaps now that you've lost weight, you're feeling that you have some self worth and you deserve better than a man who goes out gambling and drinking, because you know that you're better than that. However, you've got 2 children so you'll need to think about them. All I will say is that it's much better to have two happy parents living apart than two parents living together unhappily. xx

This is a great post

I know where you're coming from, I put up with stuff due to low self esteem but now you better believe I fight my corner!

Yes, things are different when you have kids to think about but at the end of the day you are a human being not just a wife and Mum and you have just as much right to be happy as they do.

I'd say you need to have it out with him, get a babysitter to watch the kids for a few hours and tell him how you feel and that things have to change if you're going to stay together. You deserve better than this.

Good luck and well done on your losses xx

 

[tinkerbellsmum]

hun i agree 14 years is worth fighting for talk to him.
since starting cd my realtionship has got better but thats becausemy husband was worried i was going to leave him and has gave up drinking which has been mega hard for him and he still has slip ups but hes getting there. which means i relax more. plus i'm more confident then before so i think it shine though and he knows he can't get away with as much without me even having to say a word.
i joined a brill site called bottled up just before my dh quit drinking and it helped me so much. i have been with my dh 11 and we had 2 kids and i was ready to give up on us. but things have got so good laterly hes like my best friend once again.
talk to him hun tell him how you feel. read bottled up first it tells you to not nag at him take yourself away from him when hes drinking and spend time with him when hes not.
gambling is a hard one i work in a bookies and we have alot of men addicted and alot use it as a hobbie to so they need to replace it with something. talk to him about it see if you can get him to do a self exclusion with the bookies if you can but don't shout stay calm. i find going on a walk togther with kids out in front helps cause then you are less likely to shout, its naturally calming and theres no other room to go to.
pm me hun if you need to talk.

 

[CheeseGirl]

Hi laura269, all of the advice so far is spot on. 14 years and 2 kids is most definitely worth fighting for, but staying together 'for the kids' sake' is never the answer - if your relationship is unhappy chances are you won't be able to hide it from them and they'll be more miserable watching it fall apart than if you separated. Ask yourself a few questions: If he didn't drink and gamble, would I love him and want to stay with him? Has his drinking and/or gambling worsened in response to my weight loss? If yes then maybe he does feel threatened by it. If no, then he's got a pattern that will only be broken if HE is willing to break it - and that means admitting he has a problem. Women seem more likely to do some soul-searching and admit to their problems than do men. My father was an alcoholic until the day he died and he NEVER admitted he had a drinking problem, never sought professional help - and I saw my mother suffer at his side. Hard as it may seem, put YOURSELF first in this decision, because your happiness will directly affect the happiness of your children. If you are happy and well-adjusted so children will sense this. But if you're tense all the time and unhappy, they will sense this too and it may lead to them acting out and themselves being unhappy at a critical time in their lives.
Sorry, I'm a bit long-winded. If this has become a serious thing with you, it might be worthwhile seeing someone, at least for a few sessions, to help you sort out your feelings and help you understand what you want and need to do. Take care, I'm sure you will ultimately make the right decision.

 

[Illa]

Give it time. There is definitely a new dices throwing here, everyone will have to take his/her place again. Fat takes some space in a relationship (not only physically) and when it's gone then things have to move around. Your kids will have to adjust too. Just take some time to observe (on the side if that is possible for you) without putting to many emotions in it yet. See how things are changing, changing again and finally settling. If this settling doesn't fit you then there is always space for something else. I wouldn't hurry.

 

[laura269]

Thanks everyone for your amazing advice. Given me a lot to think about xx