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A feeble attempt

cateka

Full Member
#1
My salt imbalences are keeping me awake again it would seem...
I thought I would write a little poem about my bulimia, its not very good I don't feel, nor very insightful away from what people already know, but at least it gave me something to do for a while.



I shon like a star in the sky,
I had every form of pleasure,
Within this ultimate high,
I had all the things I treasured.

Back then I was so free,
Nothing could hold me down,
I had my life ahead of me,
But then I heard this sound,

A hissing voice from inside said;
"look carefully and you'll see,
Regardless of how you tried,
You're not what you want to be!"

"All that stuff around your waist,
You can't suck in all that,
You're a walking sack of paste,
Face it, you're just fat!"

At one hundred and eighteen pounds,
A crisis had emerged,
Self-respect crushed in the ground,
All clarity submerged.

I wondered why they lied,
My friends, my lovers, my mother
All night I choked and cried,
And unleashed my significant other.

She'll follow me to the grave,
And wrap around me tight at night,
She'll keep me locked like a slave,
And won't give up without a fight.

She reverses food I swallow,
I weep and sneeze and cough,
Cold and quivering and hollow,
I watch my skin peeling off.

From friends and family I hide,
I can't believe this is true,
Can't supress the fear inside,
They might find out what I do.

I crave water all the time,
So I drink away my salts,
Till my knees begin to buckle,
And my hair begins to malt.

My teeth turn dull and grey,
My body feels as heavy as lead,
Its what I'll have to pay,
For listening to voices in my head.

I can't see what everyone sees,
Where are the qualities you admire?
No flaws I could appease,
You're all a bunch of liars!

The drugs aren't working,
And I know they never will,
I swear I see them smirking,
Each and every pill.

To Buddha and Jesus I pray,
To forgive me for my gluttony,
Each and every single day,
Could they hold her back from hurting me?

And as the years pass by,
Seven of them to be exact,
Still I fight and try,
But its time to face the facts,

I might always be this way,
Maybe things will never change,
I might die this very day,
Yet I don't care... now isn't that strange?
 
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KD

Gone fishing
#2
Oh Cateka. That made me cry.:cry:

I so wish I had a magic wand and could make things good for you again. Release you from this :(

I know there's nothing I can do or say. It's all been said.

Sending you a virtual hug :hug99:
 

DQ

Queen of the Damned
#4
Oh mate :hug99: :hug99:
 

Isis

Ancient Egypt Nut!
#5
Oh sweetheart, what an incredible and touching poem. Made me cry too so I'm also sending you hugs today :hug99::hug99:
 

cateka

Full Member
#6
I thank you all so very, very much for caring. You're all so wonderful and sweet (especially you KD, never loosing faith in me when I loose faith in myself :) ).
I've been given so much sympathy, support and hope on this site, I admire you all for your strength and kindness, there's many a role model that I could follow after on here :)

Another little bit of insight if anybody is interested - I found this photograph cleaning out my documents just today... I am at the same weight now that I am in this photograph.
In it, I see a very thin girl... but I just see a sumo wrestler in the mirror. I don't know how this can be, you can't accuse a photo of being 'wrong'. I thought it might be the lighting, but I have pranced and posed in so many lights and positions in front of the mirror trying to gain some illusion of thin... but its just not happening :(. That is what this illness does to you...
 
#8
I thank you all so very, very much for caring. You're all so wonderful and sweet (especially you KD, never loosing faith in me when I loose faith in myself :) ).
I've been given so much sympathy, support and hope on this site, I admire you all for your strength and kindness, there's many a role model that I could follow after on here :)

Another little bit of insight if anybody is interested - I found this photograph cleaning out my documents just today... I am at the same weight now that I am in this photograph.
In it, I see a very thin girl... but I just see a sumo wrestler in the mirror. I don't know how this can be, you can't accuse a photo of being 'wrong'. I thought it might be the lighting, but I have pranced and posed in so many lights and positions in front of the mirror trying to gain some illusion of thin... but its just not happening :(. That is what this illness does to you...

Don't know what to say ......... lots of hugs and keep coming on here please xxxxxxx
 

KD

Gone fishing
#9
I thank you all so very, very much for caring. You're all so wonderful and sweet (especially you KD, never loosing faith in me when I loose faith in myself :) ).
Ack..no probs hun. Someone did that for me once ;) Without going into detail, they saved my life. There is a limit to what I can do here :(

I don't know how this can be, you can't accuse a photo of being 'wrong'.
The mind is so powerful isn't it. Remember the eyes are only the transport agent of what the mind perceives, so to speak.

I think I've sent this to you before, but just a reminder. Have a good strong day Cateka.

[YOUTUBE]c0HVVOT_LuM[/YOUTUBE]
 


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