SerenityValley
Surgically happy.
Sorry to do this but I need somewhere to write - I need somewhere where I know people will read my thoughts. I do this in my head and on paper and while it still works, I need to be able to share with someone.
I am an emotional and insecure man, who is frankly just discovering life now, after 36 years of hiding. The last few weeks have been worse and worse, because I've stopped self-reflecting - the one process I am able to use from CBT, and "right" myself.
So I need to start doing that now. It will probably look hugely off topic but absolutely everything in my life is weight related somehow, and nothing will help me keep the weight off better than my self-reflection.
Anyway, today's topic. My insecurity.
I have to find out why I'm insecure, and why I take silence as meaning that someone doesn't like me anymore. I need to find ways to challenge these negative thoughts, as I have with many other types of negative thought.
Why would I be so arrogant as to assume that because I haven't spoken to someone for a while, that it is because of me? Yes, it is perfectly possible for someone to decide they want nothing more to do with m, but the number of times I go through this, the insecurity I feel, the draining of my confidence and self-esteem is ridiculous, especially as in all but one case, I was proven to be 100% off the mark,
The one case was a girl I liked and who supposedly liked me. I am not going to go into it - it's not her fault I became insecure, and she's gone from my life now - I've closed the door entirely. I'm no longer upset about her, and what I suspect was my worry that she was my only chance at finding someone who might like me.
But it developed from there - I am insecure and worried about friendships, usually one at a time. This is a pattern and I need to break it.
I have felt this way about many friends, if they have become busy - I come to expect them to drift away permanently and my ego is bruised for no reason. Yes, I was right about her. She didn't really want anything to do with me. But that was a very different situation. Since then, I have worried that several friends were either upset with me, or simply didn't want to be friends. And yet proven wrong, every time.
Part of the problem is that I need constant reassurance. I know this to be true. I get reassured, then slowly my worries and fears grow and persist. Why is that? Why am I unable to be secure in myself. Is it because I placed no value on myself for so long, that I expect to find that actually, other people feel the same? Yet it can hardly be true - look at all the wonderful things people have said, the things people have done. The massive changes I've made to life and the fact that people get in touch with me. So there is nothing wrong with me. I am not substandard, I am not inferior. I am not underserving of the friendships that find me.
How do I end the need to be reassured? Or at least reassure myself? guess that is the toughest question. I suppose the answer is probably time. I know that I am in most ways much better now than even a few months ago. The only area where I am worse, is in being insecure about friendships. And perhaps that is simple because I actually have some now, and the danger of losing them.
Part of it is my trust issues. I have had my trust shaken over the years and even when I do trust someone, there is always a part of me that feels so unworthy of others, that they will surely leave.
It also means I try too hard with people I care for. But I have always done this; it's part of the issues I need to work on - I take the blame for everything around me. But that's a post for another day.
I'll need to ponder on this more but I think the key elements are there. If anyone has any thoughts, or experiences they want to share I'd appreciate them (here or by pm).
I am an emotional and insecure man, who is frankly just discovering life now, after 36 years of hiding. The last few weeks have been worse and worse, because I've stopped self-reflecting - the one process I am able to use from CBT, and "right" myself.
So I need to start doing that now. It will probably look hugely off topic but absolutely everything in my life is weight related somehow, and nothing will help me keep the weight off better than my self-reflection.
Anyway, today's topic. My insecurity.
I have to find out why I'm insecure, and why I take silence as meaning that someone doesn't like me anymore. I need to find ways to challenge these negative thoughts, as I have with many other types of negative thought.
Why would I be so arrogant as to assume that because I haven't spoken to someone for a while, that it is because of me? Yes, it is perfectly possible for someone to decide they want nothing more to do with m, but the number of times I go through this, the insecurity I feel, the draining of my confidence and self-esteem is ridiculous, especially as in all but one case, I was proven to be 100% off the mark,
The one case was a girl I liked and who supposedly liked me. I am not going to go into it - it's not her fault I became insecure, and she's gone from my life now - I've closed the door entirely. I'm no longer upset about her, and what I suspect was my worry that she was my only chance at finding someone who might like me.
But it developed from there - I am insecure and worried about friendships, usually one at a time. This is a pattern and I need to break it.
I have felt this way about many friends, if they have become busy - I come to expect them to drift away permanently and my ego is bruised for no reason. Yes, I was right about her. She didn't really want anything to do with me. But that was a very different situation. Since then, I have worried that several friends were either upset with me, or simply didn't want to be friends. And yet proven wrong, every time.
Part of the problem is that I need constant reassurance. I know this to be true. I get reassured, then slowly my worries and fears grow and persist. Why is that? Why am I unable to be secure in myself. Is it because I placed no value on myself for so long, that I expect to find that actually, other people feel the same? Yet it can hardly be true - look at all the wonderful things people have said, the things people have done. The massive changes I've made to life and the fact that people get in touch with me. So there is nothing wrong with me. I am not substandard, I am not inferior. I am not underserving of the friendships that find me.
How do I end the need to be reassured? Or at least reassure myself? guess that is the toughest question. I suppose the answer is probably time. I know that I am in most ways much better now than even a few months ago. The only area where I am worse, is in being insecure about friendships. And perhaps that is simple because I actually have some now, and the danger of losing them.
Part of it is my trust issues. I have had my trust shaken over the years and even when I do trust someone, there is always a part of me that feels so unworthy of others, that they will surely leave.
It also means I try too hard with people I care for. But I have always done this; it's part of the issues I need to work on - I take the blame for everything around me. But that's a post for another day.
I'll need to ponder on this more but I think the key elements are there. If anyone has any thoughts, or experiences they want to share I'd appreciate them (here or by pm).