ANY JOKES ANYBODY

Discussion in 'Lipotrim Forum' started by sarah28, 12 April 2009 Social URL.

  1. sarah28

    sarah28 Full Member

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    NEED CHEERIN UP BIG TIME X X
     
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  3. punkfairy

    punkfairy Full Member

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    Paddy was on a bus when a young blonde starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby was in a playful mood so the mum says..
    'Come on eat up, or I'll give it to that man over there'.. ten minutes later she's still trying to feed the baby and says 'Come on or mummy will give it to that man over there'..
    Paddy looks over and says 'For flips sake missus, will you make your mind up, I should have got off three stops ago' :D
     
  4. sarah28

    sarah28 Full Member

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    lol no any more x x
     
  5. nmmireland

    nmmireland Dublin :)

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    Little Johnny likes to gamble.
    One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.
    Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."
    So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."
    The teacher says OK, she can handle it.
    The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."
    She says yes I know who you are.
    Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."
    The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.
    She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.
    That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.
    So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."
    The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."
    Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."
     
  6. mrs bee

    mrs bee doesn't like the rain!

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    One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

    His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

    The next morning the husband took a pair of pants out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

    'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

    She replied with a snigger. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !
     
  7. JanD

    JanD maintaining since June'09

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    Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
    Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
    They had got a bit over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
    Breezers.

    Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
    Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

    Neither of them had anything to wipe with so one suggested they take off their panties and use them.

    Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
    Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

    She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
    That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
    Proceeded to wipe with that.

    After the girls did their business, they proceeded to
    Go home.

    The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
    "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

    "That's nothing," said the other husband,
    "Mine came back with a card stuck to her bum that
    said.....

    'From all of us at the Fire Station.
    We'll never forget you.' "
     
  8. mrs bee

    mrs bee doesn't like the rain!

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    ha ha very good!
     
  9. JanD

    JanD maintaining since June'09

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    Little Melody came into the kitchen where her mother was cooking dinner.
    Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted: 'Mum, I want a bike for my birthday.'

    Little Melody was a bit of a troublemaker. She had got into trouble at school and at home. Melody's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Melody, of course, thought she did.
    Melody's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday.

    Little Melody stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.


    LETTER 1:

    Dear God,

    I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

    Your friend, Melody.

    Melody knew this wasn't true. she had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started again.


    LETTER 2:

    Dear God,

    This is your friend Melody. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I w ould like a red bike for my birthday.

    Thank you,

    Melody.


    Melody knew this wasn't true either. she tore up the letter and started again.


    LETTER 3:

    Dear God,

    I have been an OK girl this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.

    Your friend,

    Melody.



    Melody knew she could not send this letter to God either. Melody was very upset. she went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church.
    Melody's mother thought her plan had worked because Melody looked very sad. 'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said. Melody walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. she looked around to see if anyone was there. she picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. she slipped it under her skirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. she shut the door to her room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

    Melody began to write her letter to God.


    LETTER 4:

    I'VE GOT YOUR MUM.

    IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!!!
     
  10. Yasmine

    Yasmine One last chance

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    I wouldn't recommend these jokes to guys.

    1) Man to God: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?”
    God to Man: “So you would love her.”
    “But God”, Man says, “why did you make her so dumb?”
    God replies: “So she would love you.”

    2) God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough draft before creating a masterpiece.

    3) Diamonds are a girl’s best friends.
    Dogs are man’s best friend.
    So which is the dumber sex?

    4) Single women complain that all good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.

    5) Ever notice how many of women’s problems can be traced to the male gender?
    MENstruation
    MENopause
    MENtal breakdown
    GUYnecology
    HIMmorrhoids

    6) What’s the difference between government bonds and men?
    Bonds mature.

    7) What’s the difference between a man and E.T.?
    E.T. phoned home.

    8) How are men like noodles?
    They’re always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

    9) Why do men like BMWs?
    They can spell it.

    10) What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
    Men always miss them.

    11) Why are men like popcorn?
    They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

    12) Why are men and spray paint alike?
    One squeeze and they’re all over you.

    13) Why are men like blenders?
    You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.

    14) Why is food better than men?
    Because you don’t have to wait an hour for seconds.

    15) Why do so many women fake orgasm?
    Because so many men fake foreplay.

    16) Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much?
    They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes.

    17) Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
    At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 10,000
    miles, whichever came first.

    18) What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
    Slow.

    19) What is the difference between men and pigs?
    Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.
     
  11. BlackRose

    BlackRose Gold Member

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    LMAO!!!!
     
  12. BlackRose

    BlackRose Gold Member

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    HELL YEAH Y.!!! LMAO
     
  13. punkfairy

    punkfairy Full Member

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    Paddy, Mick, Gerry and John were having a serious discussion about 'the fastest thing'..

    John said 'It has to be thinking, sure we think all the time and constant thoughts just pop into your head all the time'

    Gerry said 'No you're wrong it's blinking, sure you blink that fast you can hardly notice it'

    Mick said 'No you're wrong it's light, sure you one flick of a switch and it's on, they don't have the phrase speed of light for nothin'

    Paddy said 'No you're wrong it's diaorehea'

    Mick said 'Paddy wise up, you always have to lower the tone, we're having a serious conversation here'

    Paddy said 'I'm telling ya now it's diaorehea and I'm being deadly serious'

    Mick said 'Go on then expliain'

    Paddy said 'Well last night I went to the pub and had 10 pints of guinness and on the way home I stopped at the Indian for a curry, later that night my stomach was full of cramps and before I had time to think, blink or turn the light switch on it was all over the bed'
     
  14. ChellyWellyBoot

    ChellyWellyBoot I will be skinny again!!!

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    roflmfao!!

    hahaha loved this thread
     
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