BACK BUT FEELING LOST

[blufizz]

:wave_cry:

Hiya.....been here a few times(minimins) and had thought id cracked it...
but now im back to wanting to just hide indoors in my baggy "fat lass in black" uniform-avoiding any mirrors/windows/doors that are likley to show any part of me below my neck

i feel so angry i could scream!

i live by the sea and in jan of this year id imagined by now id be and feel slimmer and healthier and out enjoying the sun and sea and beach with my kids......not so.....

im yet again feeling like the sight of me will frighten small children and it takes me soooo long to try to find something to wear that covers me to the extent in my mind i feel hidden that we often just dont get out the door..and i end up back in my "uniform" mentally kidding myself i look ok....lol.....not sure why im laughing as it doesnt feel that funny inside..

i know my health is suffering and mentally i cant cope with feeling this way....but its my kids i feel for..im letting them down but dont seem to be able to get back on track....

i lost my mum the day after mothers day this year........
we didnt have a conventional relationship(we last spoke over 25 yrs ago) and although i dont feel true grief.(i felt grief and still do when my dad died some yrs back so i know what that feels like)...
whatever it is im feeling has now just made me feel much worse....well i think it has....mentally i dont want to deal with it or think about it(sorry i sound so cold but its how i feel-or dont feel)...it feels like one more annoying emotional issue to deal with alone......or maybe im just angry and upset with myself for my weight getting so bad again...and her passing has just opened up pandoras box again....

im not one to use excuses id just like some answers i guess..why i keep doing this to myself..ive read up on emotional eating and not sure i fit the definitions as over the yrs ive gained most weight when feeling happy-new relationships....having kids(never had a weight problem til i had my kids lol)...and surprisingly to me tho most would argue an obvious cause for weight gain - moving many miles from home to begin a new life- this was a really happy time so maybe the celebrating got out of hand lol....
my last attempt at weight loss group resulted in losing over 3 stone..i felt great and was happy in myself....totally at a loss to understand why i gave up -it keeps happening.....i do remember feeling alone despite going to sw group....and when my weight stuck and was only told i was prob not sticking to plan as well as i thought...well i lost the mindset to push on....

sorry i guess im rambling and not making much sense..but then usually i dont lol

All i know is i want and need to get to grips with my eating behaviour......i know i wont be all svelte like by june/july lol....but i feel if i could begin my journey again and loose a little ..well im hoping it will focus me....if i wait until i "feel ok" ..well il be the size of a barrage balloon :cry:

wish me luck...plz ...lol

 

[solo12]

Hi there, firstly I'm sorry to hear about the hard time you are having and the lack of
Support you felt with SW! I'm not really an expert as I have only been on plan about 11 week but just wanted to say that any support you need we are hear for you x if you look at my threads we have one which is a weight loss buddy system, used to moan, celebrate, share ideas etc which you are more than welcome to join x
I've done the same things weight wise - lost then gained when I say I wouldn't be big again etc but concentrate on the here and now
Wishing you the best of luck in your weight loss and here's to it being the last time we need to do it x x x

 

[Emmaline]

Hi Blufiz, I see that you have a reaction to losing your mum even tho', as you say, you didn't have the conventional relationship, well I can relate to that. Both my mum and dad were very "distant" for different reasons but when they died the difficulty of greiving was somewhat overcast with other feelings of dissappointment at the lack of any real emotional ties from their side. We only have one mum and dad and when they fail to give us any support or comfort thro' their lives it leaves you with such an emptiness.
So I guess that has had a profound effect on you and you need to step back and do a bit of pampering yourself and being thankful for all the things you do have.
As I always remind myself there are thousands that don't have a home and who have lost loved ones in these dreadful catastrophes that have swept the world recently.

You have plenty of people who are responding to your diary so far so I don't think things are quite as bad as you may feel today.

Take a deep breath and do enjoy what you have .. and do take care ...

 

[Cleogin]

Hi Hun

Well done for coming back to the forum

I don't really have much advice for you only support. Weight loss is a long hard road for most and I think the majority of overweight people have "emotional" issues with eating in one way or another.

Keep going, you won't let anyone down. Your children will love you no matter what.

If you do let slip up, try and put it behind you and move on to the next day, take each day as it comes, don't make your goals toooooooooo daunting. Small steps!

Big hugs to you, keep us up to date with how you get on
Xx

 

[flutterbyuk25]

(((hugs))) to you. I know what you mean about the hiding away thing. I was hoping to be slimmer by now, but due to an illness (which I had for 3mths) I didn't lose any weight. I'm only now feeling better from my illness and still can't exercise properly. But started back on SW 2 weeks ago to get the weight shifted.

You say you live by the sea, me too. I find the sea unbelieveably soothing whether I'm feeling down or not. I just went for a short walk on the beach and feel a thousand times better for it. Just being outdoors in the sunshine will boost your mood, and maybe inspire you. So try not to worry about what people think/whether they are looking at you, cos they are all probably just worrying about the same thing themselves! I find a big pair of sunglasses helps 'hide' me from the world!

Good luck hun

x

 

[blufizz]

hiya and thanks everyone for your kind words and warm welcome....being surrounded by so much choccie today ..well its hell to be honest lol....its what spurred me on to rejoin here and the sw plan tomorrow..

FUNKY MONKEY-hello... well done on joining the sw plan....my probs aside... i know it works and i know itl make us feel healthier so good luck to both of us lol....and thanks for the invite to your buddy thread il deffo go take a peek

EMMALINE-hello.....and yes writing down what i have kinda made me realise i i am feeling something and denying to myself that i am isnt going to work long term lol....my dad divorced my mum when i was still a very small child and tho i and my brother/sisters saw him my life was taken over by my mums destructive life-it shaped me in many ways but id like to think i came out the other end fairly ok lol....you cant go through your entire adult life blaming someone else for everything that goes wrong in your life,it just makes me angry that she didnt equipt me emotionally to deal with lifes ups and downs in a more healthy way(i bottle everything up)..but thats life as they say..

as you say we all have things to be thankful for...i have my children and i know im there for them emotionally and they will never feel the emptiness ive felt all my life..

CLEOGIN hiya
thanks for your welcome,
re weight loss initially i find it ok ..i get the results i want.....but then something always mucks it up lol....
im alone with my kids and have no real friends here..my bro/sis are too far away to be much support to me....so when the rush of success diminshes and things slow down-for some reason i feel im failing and i feel so alone and tired and stressed and then i convince myself that my weights ok and not a problem anymore so i stop the plan and before i know it im back to square one.....

I worry my younger kids(6,3 yrs) will only ever see me as fat and unhealthy and boring lol....my older kids only ever saw me as slim and always happy when they were growing up (i never show how im feeling inside) so they know ive changed but cos i keep it all to myself they assume im happy....i just want to be a proper happy healthy mum/grandmum and wear nice comfy clothes....right now that seems like as likley as winning the lottery lol......blimey maybe i should be on a therapy site lol...im quite as mess arnt i
but i will do as you say....take it one day at a time x

FLUTTERBYE hiya....thanks for the hugs
i too love the sea but hardly go there now....well this year lol...
one of my older chidren lives near the beach ....i dread taking my two little ones to see them cos they always want to go on the beach now its warm....but its hell for me........i just feel hot and huge and so embarassed by how i look it makes me feel ill.....theres no escape from the upcoming summer so i have to do something now....im sure just feeling im in control and doing something will make me feel better in myself....
this weight is now having such a negative effect on every aspect of my life....i cringe when i step outside my front door lol......sitting here now discussing it is making me want to cry....but i need to get a grip lol
Im sorry to hear youve been ill and i hope your begining to feel much better and good luck with your weight loss journey too

 

[Cleogin]

At least you can use this forum to get it all off your chest. You are never alone here, and although we can't pop in for a cuppa there is always advice and encouragement.
Good luck to you

 

[blufizz]

me being me this will prob be only time i give in to an outpouring like this lol....doesnt do to dewll(no one likes a moanier lol).....it helped letting a little out tho so thanks for listening.....gotta think positive thoughts ....it will be nice to catch up with others on here tho.always good to share in others sucesses as well asd our own..x

 

[Emmaline]

Feel free to have a moan at any time!
It's nice to know that there is a place to be able to do that and I do it quite frequently!

I echo your feelings about your parents as mine were divorced and I went thro' a lot of turmoil as well. I have not found it easy to show any real affection to my children because of my experience but am so thankful that they have been able to break that themselves and have lovely relationships with their families.

Looks like you have things sussed and will be able to keep to your resolution to lose the weight and be a happier and healthier mum.

 

[blufizz]

hiya emmaline
i had younger sister whom i "mothered" when young..mainly cos my mum was a cold fish...and ive no problem with showing my kids affection...so i guess i didnt turn out too bad...its showing myself kindness i have trouble with lol


OK....not fully rejoined the sw plan yet but trying hard to make some good food choices til i got shopping tomorrow....cupboards are bare lol

BREAKFAST-
porridge/s-s milk
coffee

banna/apple

LUNCH-
not sure yet..maybe a bak pot with chilli beans on and salad?


DINNER-
not sure yet-maybe a chicken kebab and some sw chips and salad?


Had my hair cut yesterday and feeling much better in myself...also managed to get into new combats that were tight when i bought them a few weeks back but seem much looser now...so not feeling so down on myself today...kids back to school today and the walk there and back blew some cobwebs away....
oh and i went out with just a fairly short hoody over my t-shirt...somehting ive not done in a very long time-usually a long coat to cover me up....doesnt quite make sense to me really....i feel i look awful and dont want people looking at me yet i actually went out with it on and felt ok........i guess i prob look bigger under loads of layers and a bulky coat.....its almost like im peeling away the layers of self hate..lol.who knows....(answers ona post card lol)

been chatting to my sis earlier re how the funeral went....and raking up old memories.....find it quite difficult to associate myself with it all....it keeps going round in my head and i feel i should be upset at it all.....i am but not in the way others would be.....

fingers crossed for a good day today food wise lol x

NOW MOVING THIS ACCROSS TO BLUFIZZ MUNCH MEMOIRS