Bad relations.

Discussion in 'Lighter Life Forum' started by Blonde Logic, 31 December 2009 Social URL.

  1. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

    Posts:
    9,908
    Likes Received:
    344
    Start Weight:
    258lb
    Current Weight:
    228lb
    Goal Weight:
    168lb
    Lost(%):
    30lb(11.63%)
    Diet:
    cambridge
    Anyone out there hate anyone in their family?

    I have just accepted the fact, that I unequivacobly hate my brother. :(

    Been fighting the feeling for a long time, cause blood is thicker then water, and all that - but no. It's official. The last shred of hope has just been shred beyonhd repair. And I hate him.

    I idolised him when I was younger, and always looked up to him. But he has taken, and used, and lied - and, well, I just can't do it anymore.

    What do you do with that??? <sigh> Has made me feel pretty sad. :(
    __________________
     
  2. Avatar

    MiniMins.com Matched Content

  3. Lucyloop

    Lucyloop Full Member

    Posts:
    56
    Likes Received:
    0
    Start Weight:
    18st8lb
    Current Weight:
    18st8lb
    Goal Weight:
    10st0lb
    Lost(%):
    0st0lb(0%)
    Diet:
    Cambridge Sole Source
    I think that if you have people in your life who for whatever reason are bad for you to be around, be it because of an addiction or just because of bad history then it may do you good to spend some time away from them. Often the people that we get most wounded by are family members because of the duration of the relationship and also the fact that you can feel like you "have" to like them or spend time with them or put in more of an effort. I do really sympathise with the sadness you feel. My brother and I do not have a close relationship. We are very different personality wise. He is very shy and I think has been embarassed by my outgoing behaviour in the past. It used to really upset me and still can on occasion but we don't really see each other much and are probably both better off for it. It's sad and not the best but at least there is less chance of getting hurt. I don't think you should feel bad about wanting some distance from him blonde logic, all I would say about hating someone is that in my experience, I always end up being really upset and angry with people and they just merrily carry on oblivious, it always seems to take more out of the person who is hurt than the other way round.
    Hope this helps.
    x
    Lucy
     
  4. KD

    KD Gone fishing

    Posts:
    17,711
    Likes Received:
    757
    Diet:
    Was Cambridge, now maintaining
    I have similar with a brother. I adored him. Was like a little puppy dog around him, but he constantly let me down.

    He kept running away from the family, and causing trouble when he was around. I kept searching him out again to keep contact...because he was my brother and I had always loved him.

    But he'd go again and after many years I came to the conclusion that though I was sad about it, he didn't want his family and I needed wait for him to want us. I missed him so much.

    Then one day he phoned after a gap of about 10 years and he hadn't changed. I was neither excited about the phone call, nor disappointed. Just mildly interested. I put the phone down after the pleasantries and felt nothing. He could have been an acquaintance that I'd met once. No hate but no love either.

    That was 17 years ago and I haven't heard from him since. The rest of the family haven't had contact for about 30 years.

    So I am at peace. If ever anyone lets me know when he dies, I will be sad for what could have been, but I think I've done all my mourning for him the first few times he left me.
     
  5. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

    Posts:
    9,908
    Likes Received:
    344
    Start Weight:
    258lb
    Current Weight:
    228lb
    Goal Weight:
    168lb
    Lost(%):
    30lb(11.63%)
    Diet:
    cambridge
    Thank you for your replies. I'd like to say I feel better this morning, but the truth is, I don't. :(

    He WON'T go away. THat is the problem. He is 52 or 53, and lives and sponges off my 92 year old mom. We are STILL waiting for him to get a real job. Honestly. He has lived the majority of his adult life sponging off others - blaming everything under the sun on why he can't get a job....for got sake....reallllllly? Still???? You think we are stupid???

    I know, in my heart that he is either bi-polar, or simply stuck in depression. That is why for years, I have stuck by him when others have bailed. But - when help is available, if he is refusing to get it, cause he knows better - then I am sorry. You make your bed, lie in it.

    I would cut off both my arms to be near my mom. He lives with her, and sneaks in and out the back door - never spends anytime with her, but is quite happy to eat her food and steal her money.

    She spent Christmas day alone. He could not even bother to walk the 10 steps into her lounge to wish her Merry Xmas. Every year for xmas mom gives each of us kids, him,me and my other bro, a cheque to buy ourselves a gift.

    In her old age, and confusion, she gave him ALL the money. And he said nothing Took it and ran...so to speak. But not far enough, he is still there. Bloody thief. I don't care that we did not get our checks - that is so not the point. THat he can just take and take and take, without giving ANYTHING back, it disgusts me.

    THat is just one of so so many reasons I have run out of chord to hang onto. I just can;t do it anymore.

    I wish he would go away. Far away. And never, ever come back.

    It truly breaks my heart in two to feel this way. But there is no other way I can feel.

    Ugh. I really don;t want to go into too much detail here obviously, but I just don;t know how to do this. I have written him about 12 letters over the past year and thrown them all away. I just don't knowhow to do it. My family has meant the world to me. But for him, I feel nothing now but disgust and dissappointment.

    I guess I need to get used to the idea that he is there, and will be until my mom passes, for she will do nothing to kick him out - she is afraid if she does he will kill himself. The horrible HORRIBLE thing is, and I say this with tears in my eyes, I don;t care anymore. But that would destroy her. So, here we have just a really messy situation, and I feel so far from it all - I can;t even give him the hearty slap he so deserves.

    Thanks again for your replies. I am sorry to bring it here - I just didn;t have anyone at the moment to talk too.

    xx
     
  6. daisydoll

    daisydoll Gold Member

    Posts:
    2,609
    Likes Received:
    60
    Start Weight:
    12st6lb
    Current Weight:
    10st8lb
    Goal Weight:
    9st7lb
    Lost(%):
    1st12lb(14.94%)
    Diet:
    was LL now diet chef
    Hi there
    I'm sorry you are going through this. My gran is 96 and has awful arthritis. 3 years ago she had to leave her home where she had lived since the age of 9.
    My mum lived oppposite and for years has 'looked after' her mum. my uncle used to visit once a week - he was always the golden boy.
    Anyway when she became ill they decided to move her into a home and chose to move her close to my uncle - 35 miles away from my mum.
    It was a bit of a relief for my mum i think and the tables turned with my uncle visiting daily and my mum once a week.

    she was there for about a year when we were suddenly told she was moving out of the nursing home into a bungalow she had bought - with help from my uncle, no discussion with mum, just round the corner from my uncle.

    again, no real problem there as he would be calling in every day etc.

    however he fell out with my gran and 2 months after moving her into this bungalow he refused to see her - that was 2 years ago, at christmas - and he hasn't been seen since!

    so she is stuck miles away from everyone, at the age of 96, barely able to walk, with my parents visiting once a week. (i go when i can but its a 100 mile round trip and my kids hate going and i work full time, so its a bit of a fraught trip unless i go alone.)

    my mum doesn't work but has the attitude that my gran is an inconvenience - after years of being tied to her -living opposite - she was enjoying her freedom.

    2 weeks ago she had to go back into a home - luckily this time they have put her in one 500 yards from my mums house so at least she is nearer.

    i got to see her xmas day and am going over later as she is also nearer me now by about 50 miles. Have just spoken to my mum and apparently she has only seen her a couple of times since xmas - ffs, you can see the home from her gate!

    i hate how my uncle has behaved but i also hate how my mum is with her.

    my sister - who lives 250 miles away and me have had a really bad example set to us of how to treat our parents when they end up in need of care - and i do wonder if my mum actually realises that one day she will be in the same position as her own mother.

    anyway, rant over.

    i have given up feeling worried/sad/angry about my uncle - he is 'gone' as far as i am concerned.
    my mum i feel disappointed in

    daisy x
     
  7. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

    Posts:
    9,908
    Likes Received:
    344
    Start Weight:
    258lb
    Current Weight:
    228lb
    Goal Weight:
    168lb
    Lost(%):
    30lb(11.63%)
    Diet:
    cambridge
    Thanks for sharing your story Daisy. That is very sad.

    I am really struggling with this. It is extremely painful. Ijst don;t know what to do with all these feelings. I am so angry, it is making me feel a bit nuts inside. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. ANd I want to (am) cry until I am drained.

    I have tried, again just now, to write him. And every muscle and fibre in my body is tight as a drum. I feel sick. I feel heartbroken.

    I am really sorry guys, to bring this here. I just HAVE to get it out somehow. It is making me feel a little nuts.

    I got halfway through the letter and thought, "Why f-ing bother. Will not make a blind bit of difference to him." But, I HAVE to get this out. It is part of things that are destroying me - this has been coming on for 2 years now. I just kept looking the other way because ot was too painful. but like many things, it keeps rearing its ugly head, and I know I HAVE to face it. It just hurts. A lot.

    I AM JUST SO STUCK. :( Literally paralised by emotion.

    Selfish a$$. I would give ANYTHING to have holidays with mom. And he could care less.

    The last 3 calls I have had with her, she is sounding very tired, and confused, and I am having to face the real truth, that it is very likely, that I willnot make it back to California for good before she leaves us. Maybe its all my mixed emotions right now- but something in my gut is telling me it won;t be long. ANd I am scared sh*tless. I really am. I truly truly hope I am wrong. I know what will happen to me when she goes. I am terrified....of not being there. And I feel, I am not going to be. And there is realistically nothing I can do about it RIGHT NOW.

    Oh god, I need to stop writing. I am really, so sorry. Really - I just need to get this out somehow.

    Really struggling at the moment. Maybe I will go for a walk. Go find some hill top I can scream my guts out. And sob my heart out. Till I am empty. Yeah. Thats a good plan.
     
  8. Jezebella

    Jezebella Playing the Angel

    Posts:
    2,149
    Likes Received:
    20
    Start Weight:
    14st3lb
    Current Weight:
    8st7lb
    Goal Weight:
    9st2lb
    Lost(%):
    5st10lb(40.2%)
    Diet:
    Lighter Life
    BL, I am feeling similar emtions for a different reason... thinking of you hun, we will get through this...

    Hugs

    Jez
    xx
     
  9. slendablenda

    slendablenda Gold Member

    Posts:
    3,881
    Likes Received:
    150
    Diet:
    lighterlife
    Jez, I was just looking at this too. I've been to see my Mum this morning just for an hour. She lives 2 hours drive away and I was only there for an hour. I almost didn't go, she wasn't expecting me, but I knew she would be feeling alone and a bit sad on New Years Day. She's 87 now. She used to love New Year's Eve and dressing up and either having a party or going to one.
    She was thrilled to see me.
    Families are strange. I have a relationship (not really when I think about it) with another member of my close family which used to be very close, but is now almost non-existant. It used to hurt me every day, but most of the time I manage to put it out of my mind.
    It's nothing compared with what you all have had to deal with, but it makes me realise thst most families sadly seem to
    have something like this.
    In the Western, so called advanced, sophisticated world we generally deal very poorly with the elderly in my opinion. We don't respect and care for them even though most of them have done their best for us. It makes me feel sad the heartache family reationships cause.
    No wonder we turn to food for comfort.:cry:
     
  10. Lucyloop

    Lucyloop Full Member

    Posts:
    56
    Likes Received:
    0
    Start Weight:
    18st8lb
    Current Weight:
    18st8lb
    Goal Weight:
    10st0lb
    Lost(%):
    0st0lb(0%)
    Diet:
    Cambridge Sole Source
    wow, you guys, this is so sad. I really feel for you all, such difficult situations. Wish I had something more constructive to say but know that I am thinking of you all, well done to all of you for being a lot more mature than I would be!
    xxxxx
    L
     
  11. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

    Posts:
    9,908
    Likes Received:
    344
    Start Weight:
    258lb
    Current Weight:
    228lb
    Goal Weight:
    168lb
    Lost(%):
    30lb(11.63%)
    Diet:
    cambridge

    That is why this is so difficult for me to come to grips with.

    My family has never been strange. We were the quintessential TV family. But it all changed - dramatically - after dad died.

    I just struggle to get used to the changes I suppose, and this the biggest struggle of all. It;s a horrible feeling, teetering on the verge of disowning someone that close to you. :(
     
  12. Foxtrot

    Foxtrot Is back in the saddle!

    Posts:
    1,385
    Likes Received:
    35
    Start Weight:
    15st5.6lb
    Current Weight:
    14st5.8lb
    Goal Weight:
    12st7.0lb
    Lost(%):
    0st13.8lb(6.4%)
    Diet:
    5:2 Fasting
    I divorced my mother 11 years ago. I won't say that there are never moments.... but they are very few and far between and what I did I did for me and mine and not her (for a change) and don't regret it.

    I almost have the impression that it's not so much the hating of your brother that's getting you down Jan, it's that huge ticking clock hanging over your Mum. I wish I could wave a wand for you to go and visit her or have her over here with you. Big hugs. xxxx
     
  13. slendablenda

    slendablenda Gold Member

    Posts:
    3,881
    Likes Received:
    150
    Diet:
    lighterlife
    Love to you BL XX
     
  14. Surreystar

    Surreystar Full Member

    Posts:
    208
    Likes Received:
    2
    Start Weight:
    13st5lb
    Current Weight:
    9st6lb
    Goal Weight:
    10st0lb
    Lost(%):
    3st13lb(29.41%)
    Diet:
    Watching what I eat!
    BL I've just read your posts and feel so very sad, I really wish I was there to give you a big hug, families can be so difficult, but being so far away makes life even more complicated.
    Speak to your Mum often on the phone, she knows you love her, it may be that your brother is ill, maybe your fathers death effected him and he is now suffering from some illness such as bi-polar or the like, or he may just be being pig headed, unfortunately you can't change this, try to focus on the positives, talking to your mum as often as possible, write to her when you can't speak on the phone, look at photos of the good times and your lovely home you are building, this won't take away the horror you are going through but hopefully will lift a little of the pain.
    Thinking of you x
     
  15. mommyB

    mommyB love it

    Posts:
    18,286
    Likes Received:
    518
    Start Weight:
    14st13lb
    Current Weight:
    14st7lb
    Lost(%):
    0st6lb(2.87%)
    Bl my heart goes out to you, and i have no real advice other than as others have said, concentrate on the positives with your mum and try to ignore him-not easy I'm sure

    If its any consolation this thread has struck a chord with me about an issue of my own and some has hit a nail on the head and really helped !!

    This site is brilliant like tht isnt it?
     
  16. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

    Posts:
    9,908
    Likes Received:
    344
    Start Weight:
    258lb
    Current Weight:
    228lb
    Goal Weight:
    168lb
    Lost(%):
    30lb(11.63%)
    Diet:
    cambridge
    Thanks very much everyone for your thoughts and support. It means a lot.

    I have had an email with my older brother, we have been discussing things - it feels a relief to have shared some of this with him, and he is going to look into a few things at that end. He thinks we need to confront my bro next time we are there. I do too, though it makes me sick to my stomach.

    I spent a lovely couple of hours yesterday with SB, who let me pour my heart out. It was what I needed. THanks so much hon - you're a diamond.

    The day ended sadly, when I learned a friends husband had died in hospital after fighting a chest infection. He was far too young, far too full of life, and so so very sadly, this is the second time she has been widowed. :( Life sure can be unfair. SO it has been an eye wringer of a day.

    Today, spending the day with my OH hiking and riding around. Hope to be able to talk more about this. I tend to keep a lot inside - and I need to fill him in. Maybe I will while we are walking. It is sometimes easier to keep it all inside, but not healthier.

    Love you guys lots. Thanks so much.
    xx
     
  17. slendablenda

    slendablenda Gold Member

    Posts:
    3,881
    Likes Received:
    150
    Diet:
    lighterlife
    Hi BL
    I'm glad things have moved forward regarding your brother(s).
    It's a lovely cold, bright crisp day for hiking and biking with C.
    Remember you can't sort everything out in 1 go. Small steps.
    Have a good day. xxx
     
  18. Avatar

    MiniMins.com Advert

  19. Jezebella

    Jezebella Playing the Angel

    Posts:
    2,149
    Likes Received:
    20
    Start Weight:
    14st3lb
    Current Weight:
    8st7lb
    Goal Weight:
    9st2lb
    Lost(%):
    5st10lb(40.2%)
    Diet:
    Lighter Life
    Have a great day BL, sometimes being outdoors and being in touch with nature helps. It is peaceful out there and always tends to make me see things which seem so massive to me in their true perspective. It would be great if you and your hubby could have a chat then. Is there anyway you could have your mom over here, even for a 3 month vacation??? Just you and her spending some quality time?

    Big Hugs and have a happy day!

    Jez
    xx
     
  20. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

    Posts:
    9,908
    Likes Received:
    344
    Start Weight:
    258lb
    Current Weight:
    228lb
    Goal Weight:
    168lb
    Lost(%):
    30lb(11.63%)
    Diet:
    cambridge
    Well, my car turned out to be a bigger problem then anticipated, so our plans for hiking were thwarted. Mainly by the fact that me and he had a blazing row in the driveway over the car. lol Though, we all know it really wasn;t over the car.

    I calmed down and advised hubster that a womens tears do not necisarily reflect what immediately proceeded them.

    We then had a heart to heart. Well, I poured my heart out. Confessed how I have been feeling for - well - years. Guild about leaving mom, fear about eventually leaving his parents, as his dads health is not brilliant either.....told him about my brothers antics - and just really poured it out.

    He has very big shoulders. They are now very wet shoulders. lol I am so blessed - he is such a supportive being - once he fully understands what is going on, he is all there for me. I am very lucky. I told him he is as good a man sa my Dad was (then my shoulders got wet! lol) That is not a compliment I wield to many. If any. I just feel really grateful - through thick and thin, happy and sad, he is always there for me.

    Anyway, it felt good to tell him about my fears and concerns, and hurts around my brother, etc. Course, he is now even more angry at him - so - it will be a interesting visit in March. I am worried about what will go down. But, whatever goes down, needs to go down.

    ANyway - feeling a bit lighter this morning.

    And now have my hubbies understanding and support, in my trying to pull my foot out of America, and start living life as a whole person, here, where I am now.

    It won;t be easy....small steps....but I gotta try.

    Thanks everyone, for all your support. Especially you SB for giving me your time Saturday morning. That was special. It means a lot to me.

    So, onward and upward, always learning lifes lessons, and not always the easy way.

    And now - a very very cold walk to work. Hopefully, only for a day or two!! Its FREEZING out!!
    XX
     
  21. Jezebella

    Jezebella Playing the Angel

    Posts:
    2,149
    Likes Received:
    20
    Start Weight:
    14st3lb
    Current Weight:
    8st7lb
    Goal Weight:
    9st2lb
    Lost(%):
    5st10lb(40.2%)
    Diet:
    Lighter Life
    BL so glad you managed to have a chat to your Hubby. He sounds like such a wonderful man - you are so lucky!! I think you are doing exactly the right thing, celebrate and live in the here and now. Have you ever read a book called "who moved my cheese?" it really helped me. It's a tiny book and will only take about 30 minutes to read, you can then follow it by the second book called "The Present"

    Cant for the life of me remember the author but easily available in most places. Good luck with that walk to work, seems we are due more snow in the next few days!!

    Jez
    xx
     
  22. Sulleyp

    Sulleyp The Minis Bad Boy

    Posts:
    1,579
    Likes Received:
    21
    Start Weight:
    26st1lb
    Current Weight:
    26st1lb
    Goal Weight:
    17st2lb
    Lost(%):
    0st0lb(0%)
    Its so sad to read some of these stories.

    I don't have a 'problem' member of my family. Though my brother and I fight all the time. He has a deep ingrained problem with me and I am not sure where it comes from.

    I never bullied him, I always looked after him at school etc. i think it actually comes from my parents. I was the first born intellegent, outgoing and friendly and they always wanted him to follow but he had learning difficulties (which he ahs overcome) and he's very quiet.

    I think the mixture of their pressure and my sibling rivalry built inside him without anyone really knowing. A few christmases ago over a game of Risk (his favourite) where I waqs beating him comprehensively he exploded and told me he wishes I was dead.

    It took him a long long time to apologise for it. basically we got over it and we are friendly enough now, but we rarely talk. We are still brothers but not really friends. Well we are, and I will always look out for him but I think he has personal issues which stop us from being closer.
     
Popular Forums
  1. MiniMins.com is a weight loss support community helping each other on their weight loss journey. We have a multitude of forums, from Slimming World and Exante, to Success Stories. Click the logo at the top right to return to the forum home page at any time.
Loading...