Blonde Logic's Stream of Consciousness/Diary
- Thread starter Blonde Logic
- Start date
FeelingFat
Silver Member
Hi BL
I have just spent goodness knows how long reading your diary (should be working really). You really are an inspiration.
Congratulations on you weight loss.
FF
I have just spent goodness knows how long reading your diary (should be working really). You really are an inspiration.
Congratulations on you weight loss.
FF
lynnwilliams
Silver Member
BL you are such a Legend, this has brought tears to my eyes.
I hope you have a wonderful life in front of you, and can now enjoy your new adventure. You deserve the best!
Love Lynn
xxxxxxxxx
I hope you have a wonderful life in front of you, and can now enjoy your new adventure. You deserve the best!
Love Lynn
xxxxxxxxx
Blonde Logic
Yes. You can.
FIRST POST SINCE STARTING RTM.
Well, I have decided it is time for a catch up. It's been an interesting two weeks since starting RTM, and wanted to write a little about these last few weeks, and the changes I feel coming.
WARNING: I will be talking about eating - but not what, or anyting in detail. Anything in detail is discussed on my RTM thread - but just in case.
The final weeks of the diet, and these first 2 weeks of RTM feel like a whirlwind. It all wrapped up and changed so fast it kind of left my head spinning-and now that the dust has settled a little, I feel - hmmm - what is the right word. Just kind of 'flat'. I was really so so excited. And now - I have been feeling a bit anti-climatic. I suppose its a bit like the day after New Years when the hols are over. Its like - now what? Whats ahead? And that stirs up a lot of thoughts - good and bad.
I think partly, it is because of my neck/hip injury that struck at the same time. That took so much out of me, I feel as if my "zip" has been depleted in some way. If thats the case, that should improve in the coming days.
The first meal was wonderful. It was an amazing sensation. However, it was sadly tainted by being violently ill at 3;30am and bringing it all back up. Kind of took the shine off it.
ANd now, at a time I expected to be bubbling over with anticipation and excitement and slight obession over food - I almost feel like, "I can't be asked", "it's simpler to have a shake." This really floors me. I don't really understand it. Or, maybe not so much that - but, "Oh yeah. Food. Is that it? What was the big deal again?" Yeah - thats more what it is.
Don't get me wrong. It IS nice. And the coming days still brew excitement. It is just not what I was expecting.
I suppose its good to feel that way. I am aware its such a 'limited pallette' at the moment, and the coming weeks are exciting - especially fruit. And with that will come more challenge. So with excitement is now coming a lot of feelings of uncertainty.
Am i REALLY cured? Can I REALLY put my money where my mouth is? Can I REALLY do this?????? And I get scared. ANd think, "oh god - what if I put it all back on again - I can't - I'd kill myself " and my moods subsequently are up and down and all over the show like a roller coaster ride.
Today I felt nothing but an unpleasant combination of boredom/anxiousness/lethargy and a general feeling of confusion. So I took a bath to chill out for a time. Then, when I got out, I looked at myself in the mirror, and I got so sad.
I have much more loose skin now, then I did 2 months ago. I look 90. And it just screamd at me "LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME!!! LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!!! YOU CAN'T HIDE IT" and I felt so blue.
Partially from a vanity point - there is much work to do still before I can really feel confident about my body. I am 100% happy clothed - but naked is a whole other story. I know it is much better - and yes - would rather have this, then the girth and fat- but - it cannot just be dismissed happily. Not for me anyway.
THen, also partially from an emotional point of view, it just screams at me of the abuse I did to myself, which serves to remind of all the years of unhappiness that got me there in the first place.
I felt anger. And I felt bitter. And sad.
But! I did not feel hunger, so, wah-hey! A silver lining!
its just kind of a scary time now.
To sit here and feel food in my stomach - makes me feel almost - guilty. Like I should not be feeling that. ANd I kind of panic and think, " Oh my god - what all did I have" - and realise, lol, not much more then a rabbit would have really. But there are still lots of little voices in this here head. It is just a very strange feeling to feel anything in my tummy - my first knee-jerk-reaction-thought is, "I'm fat again."
Lots of work ahead still.
Probably a lifetime.
I slipped back for a moment to thinking why did I do this to myself. What in the bloody hell was I thinking. One bites one's nose of to spite anothers face - they ought to shoot the genious that invented that approach to life. And a lot of anger surged towards my ex-husband. I haven't felt those things for a few months. And the feeling passed-which is GOOD. Its kind of like I said the other day - you can deal with aproblem and file it away, and deal with the pain, but unfortunately you cannot get rid of the memory and I guess tonight mine just popped up.
Its just getting a bit emotional again. I wonder if others found that?
I feel surprised to hit this rather low patch after months and months of feeling high-almost euphoric. Its caught me a bit off guard - and it comes and goes. And I know it will pass - and it is probably all part of the process.
I did read in my workbook, or rather saw a diagram of the ups/downs of starting RTM, and it did actually look pretty accurate to what I am feeling - and that did relieve me.
But it just feels a bit like shaky ground at the moment.
Like a baby learning to walk again. I expected to want to run before walking. But instead, I almost want to keep crawling.
Going to be an interesting several weeks ahead.
Lots to do - lots to do.
At the end of the day....I am immensely happy about all of this - just perhaps a bit overwhelmed it has REALLY TRULY happened - and now I have to deal with it responsibly. perhaps not always my strong suit. And I don't think I ever really thought I would have to deal with maintaining a successful diet. But here it is! Its happened. And I gotta deal with it! And I know I will. But I know it won't be easy. I have said all along the hard part starts with RTM, and I believe I was correct.
Waffle waffle waffle.
"Say goodnight Gracie."
"Goodnight Gracie."
Well, I have decided it is time for a catch up. It's been an interesting two weeks since starting RTM, and wanted to write a little about these last few weeks, and the changes I feel coming.
WARNING: I will be talking about eating - but not what, or anyting in detail. Anything in detail is discussed on my RTM thread - but just in case.
The final weeks of the diet, and these first 2 weeks of RTM feel like a whirlwind. It all wrapped up and changed so fast it kind of left my head spinning-and now that the dust has settled a little, I feel - hmmm - what is the right word. Just kind of 'flat'. I was really so so excited. And now - I have been feeling a bit anti-climatic. I suppose its a bit like the day after New Years when the hols are over. Its like - now what? Whats ahead? And that stirs up a lot of thoughts - good and bad.
I think partly, it is because of my neck/hip injury that struck at the same time. That took so much out of me, I feel as if my "zip" has been depleted in some way. If thats the case, that should improve in the coming days.
The first meal was wonderful. It was an amazing sensation. However, it was sadly tainted by being violently ill at 3;30am and bringing it all back up. Kind of took the shine off it.
ANd now, at a time I expected to be bubbling over with anticipation and excitement and slight obession over food - I almost feel like, "I can't be asked", "it's simpler to have a shake." This really floors me. I don't really understand it. Or, maybe not so much that - but, "Oh yeah. Food. Is that it? What was the big deal again?" Yeah - thats more what it is.
Don't get me wrong. It IS nice. And the coming days still brew excitement. It is just not what I was expecting.
I suppose its good to feel that way. I am aware its such a 'limited pallette' at the moment, and the coming weeks are exciting - especially fruit. And with that will come more challenge. So with excitement is now coming a lot of feelings of uncertainty.
Am i REALLY cured? Can I REALLY put my money where my mouth is? Can I REALLY do this?????? And I get scared. ANd think, "oh god - what if I put it all back on again - I can't - I'd kill myself " and my moods subsequently are up and down and all over the show like a roller coaster ride.
Today I felt nothing but an unpleasant combination of boredom/anxiousness/lethargy and a general feeling of confusion. So I took a bath to chill out for a time. Then, when I got out, I looked at myself in the mirror, and I got so sad.
I have much more loose skin now, then I did 2 months ago. I look 90. And it just screamd at me "LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME!!! LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!!! YOU CAN'T HIDE IT" and I felt so blue.
Partially from a vanity point - there is much work to do still before I can really feel confident about my body. I am 100% happy clothed - but naked is a whole other story. I know it is much better - and yes - would rather have this, then the girth and fat- but - it cannot just be dismissed happily. Not for me anyway.
THen, also partially from an emotional point of view, it just screams at me of the abuse I did to myself, which serves to remind of all the years of unhappiness that got me there in the first place.
I felt anger. And I felt bitter. And sad.
But! I did not feel hunger, so, wah-hey! A silver lining!
its just kind of a scary time now.
To sit here and feel food in my stomach - makes me feel almost - guilty. Like I should not be feeling that. ANd I kind of panic and think, " Oh my god - what all did I have" - and realise, lol, not much more then a rabbit would have really. But there are still lots of little voices in this here head. It is just a very strange feeling to feel anything in my tummy - my first knee-jerk-reaction-thought is, "I'm fat again."
Lots of work ahead still.
Probably a lifetime.
I slipped back for a moment to thinking why did I do this to myself. What in the bloody hell was I thinking. One bites one's nose of to spite anothers face - they ought to shoot the genious that invented that approach to life. And a lot of anger surged towards my ex-husband. I haven't felt those things for a few months. And the feeling passed-which is GOOD. Its kind of like I said the other day - you can deal with aproblem and file it away, and deal with the pain, but unfortunately you cannot get rid of the memory and I guess tonight mine just popped up.
Its just getting a bit emotional again. I wonder if others found that?
I feel surprised to hit this rather low patch after months and months of feeling high-almost euphoric. Its caught me a bit off guard - and it comes and goes. And I know it will pass - and it is probably all part of the process.
I did read in my workbook, or rather saw a diagram of the ups/downs of starting RTM, and it did actually look pretty accurate to what I am feeling - and that did relieve me.
But it just feels a bit like shaky ground at the moment.
Like a baby learning to walk again. I expected to want to run before walking. But instead, I almost want to keep crawling.
Going to be an interesting several weeks ahead.
Lots to do - lots to do.
At the end of the day....I am immensely happy about all of this - just perhaps a bit overwhelmed it has REALLY TRULY happened - and now I have to deal with it responsibly. perhaps not always my strong suit. And I don't think I ever really thought I would have to deal with maintaining a successful diet. But here it is! Its happened. And I gotta deal with it! And I know I will. But I know it won't be easy. I have said all along the hard part starts with RTM, and I believe I was correct.
Waffle waffle waffle.
"Say goodnight Gracie."
"Goodnight Gracie."
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Oh BL, this is so normal. Well I reckon it is anyway, as you're repeating exactly what I went through. I remember having a meal on the 1,000 CD plan and crying my way through it.
Scary thing is, I went through similar feelings when I got to my first year at goal aswell, and somehow that felt worse than before because I felt that I should be feeling confident by then.
think I spent the whole day going off my rocker....then felt guilty about it because I was supposed to be happy, content, blah blah. But I was so scared.
My crutch had been taken away, and I couldn't even consol myself with food.
It was all such a rollercoaster of emotions, even a year after goal. The thought of having to do it all over again every year for the rest of my life was terrifying.
It does settle though and I think it's really useful to go through this, because unless you are thinking about your feelings and actions, you can't decide which way you're going to go and make an informed choice IYKWIM.
The fun is in getting better and better at it. Growing in knowledge about yourself and what makes you chose things that aren't always the best choice. You don't get it in the same way when you are on a meal replacement.
It's not about being perfect from the start of maintenance, but seeing yourself evolve and sorting things out one at a time.
I guess the trick is not to be afraid of it, but accepting yourself, and knowing you have the power to take more steps forward than backwards. Having faith in yourself. Being interested in what makes you tick, rather than scared of it.
I don't think for one moment that you will ever let yourself get big again unless you wanted to.
Scary thing is, I went through similar feelings when I got to my first year at goal aswell, and somehow that felt worse than before because I felt that I should be feeling confident by then.
think I spent the whole day going off my rocker....then felt guilty about it because I was supposed to be happy, content, blah blah. But I was so scared.
My crutch had been taken away, and I couldn't even consol myself with food.
It was all such a rollercoaster of emotions, even a year after goal. The thought of having to do it all over again every year for the rest of my life was terrifying.
It does settle though and I think it's really useful to go through this, because unless you are thinking about your feelings and actions, you can't decide which way you're going to go and make an informed choice IYKWIM.
My honest opinion is No. Probably not. Cured isn't the right word anyway. Cured would mean that you wouldn't make a wrong choice again...and hey...I wouldn't want that for you.
The fun is in getting better and better at it. Growing in knowledge about yourself and what makes you chose things that aren't always the best choice. You don't get it in the same way when you are on a meal replacement.
It's not about being perfect from the start of maintenance, but seeing yourself evolve and sorting things out one at a time.
I guess the trick is not to be afraid of it, but accepting yourself, and knowing you have the power to take more steps forward than backwards. Having faith in yourself. Being interested in what makes you tick, rather than scared of it.
I don't think for one moment that you will ever let yourself get big again unless you wanted to.
Blonde Logic
Yes. You can.
Thank You KD. As I was writing that I was thinking, "I hope KD reads this, as I know she'd have sound advice..." and there you are!!
Thank you very much. You have eased my mind. I really did not know if I should be feeling that way or if I was depressed about something and unaware of it. IT was very strange.
And yes, I realise CURED is definately the wrong word....but all I could think of then. You summed it up - feeling all down when I should be bouncing off the walls. It really surprised me. ANd I did feel guilty!
I guess I just long for it not to be uch a thought process every waking minute. I suppose I am being impatient. But it will be great when this all turns into habit/normal behaviour. Or at least partially. I know I will always have to be tuned in.
Thanks for your input KD - I always value what you have to say.
XX
Thank you very much. You have eased my mind. I really did not know if I should be feeling that way or if I was depressed about something and unaware of it. IT was very strange.
And yes, I realise CURED is definately the wrong word....but all I could think of then. You summed it up - feeling all down when I should be bouncing off the walls. It really surprised me. ANd I did feel guilty!
I guess I just long for it not to be uch a thought process every waking minute. I suppose I am being impatient. But it will be great when this all turns into habit/normal behaviour. Or at least partially. I know I will always have to be tuned in.
Thanks for your input KD - I always value what you have to say.
XX
Surprisingly, depression isn't that uncommon amongst people who get to goal....but explore further avenues before diagnosis
Ummm yes. I remember when I was having a rant, and scared out of my wits...totally down in the dumps with it all, I got a pm asking me what I had to complain about. After all, many people longed to be in my position. I almost pmd back saying..."well they can have it then, because I just want to be fat again"
Of course, I didn't (pm back...nor want to be overweight again)..but I felt like that at the time. I didn't want the responsibility I suppose. I'd been given this prize, and felt the enormous burden of having to take care of it, with people watching to see if I was going to break it.
fortunately, the next day, I was enjoying the wonderful side of being at goal. From then onwards, there were still low times, but normality returned more frequently.
You know, I reckon it's normal to tune in. Just that we didn't tune in for so long.
I thought I'd get to a state where I wouldn't have to. We have to tune in to make a choice. Even 'normal' people chose whenever they eat. Everything you eat is a choice, whether you've had a weight problem or not. Just that we are more conscious of it, because we don't trust our instincts. We need to make it a conscious decision for a fair time.
But. Please don't count the days...because it took me ages. But (again), even though most of my food choices are made more subconsciously, it really doesn't worry me if I have to think them through.
In fact, I quite enjoy it now. I don't look on it as a sign that I'm not fully 'cured'. Rather more as a reminder of how good I am at making good choices these days and how I can quickly analyse why I want x or y.
It's cool
Don't be impatient, enjoy the journey of discovery.Still comes as a shock though doesn't it
Well it did for me.
slendablenda
Gold Member
Oh BL and KD, thank you both
Hi Ladies,
I'm about a month behind BL so haven't started RTM yet, but I'm getting there.
I have 2 thoughts:
1. We have focused sooo much on getting to our own personal goal and haven't planned much beyond that - probably not really daring to think we'd really acieve it -in case we jinxed ourselves.
2. It must be a bit like being a recovering alcoholic, never being able to let our guard down FOREVER, although harder in a way, because we will have to eat (hopefully moderately!) for the rest of our lives.
Also we know everyone will be watching to see if we put it all back on so they can say "told you so".
Hi Ladies,
I'm about a month behind BL so haven't started RTM yet, but I'm getting there.
I have 2 thoughts:
1. We have focused sooo much on getting to our own personal goal and haven't planned much beyond that - probably not really daring to think we'd really acieve it -in case we jinxed ourselves.
2. It must be a bit like being a recovering alcoholic, never being able to let our guard down FOREVER, although harder in a way, because we will have to eat (hopefully moderately!) for the rest of our lives.
Also we know everyone will be watching to see if we put it all back on so they can say "told you so".
Blonde Logic
Yes. You can.
Thanks ladys. You are right on both counts SB. Those two are indeed a part of it. I have often compared how life post weight loss would more then likely be that of an alcoholic who gets sober.
Its quite a thing, this transition - you really do go through it mentally I akm finding. Not necisarily in a bad way - but it has stirred some of the issues I faced early in the diet, which I think is probably quite natural. They were big, serious painful issues and now that I hae been successful, I have them re-surfacing slightly - in a much different way though. Not so traumatic - but maybe its a last good-bye, and them saying, "ok, ok - you win - we're off now" Hard to put inw ords, but it makes sense in my head!
Anyway -
SB - your pics are AMAZING. Truly. I hope I see you tonight. You have come so far lady - and all your new goodies look fantastic on you. You radiate! I'm so happy for you. You are a compleeeeeeetely different person. <hugs> so happy for and proud of you!!!
RIght! Have a good evening peeps!
XX
You are right on both counts SB. Those two are indeed a part of it. I have often compared how life post weight loss would more then likely be that of an alcoholic who gets sober. Its quite a thing, this transition - you really do go through it mentally I akm finding. Not necisarily in a bad way - but it has stirred some of the issues I faced early in the diet, which I think is probably quite natural. They were big, serious painful issues and now that I hae been successful, I have them re-surfacing slightly - in a much different way though. Not so traumatic - but maybe its a last good-bye, and them saying, "ok, ok - you win - we're off now"
Hard to put inw ords, but it makes sense in my head!Anyway -
SB - your pics are AMAZING. Truly. I hope I see you tonight. You have come so far lady - and all your new goodies look fantastic on you. You radiate! I'm so happy for you. You are a compleeeeeeetely different person. <hugs> so happy for and proud of you!!!
RIght! Have a good evening peeps!
XX
SerenityValley
Surgically happy.
Just seen your new picture and WOW 
You look FAB!
You look FAB!
Blonde Logic
Yes. You can.
hehehe :giggle: thanks Andy!!!
x
x
Blonde Logic
Yes. You can.
Just wanted to pop my head in here and say well done to you Blonde Logic for your success! It really is an inspiration to the rest of us!
AW, thanks so much Mr. W. THats really kind of you to say.
It's such a compliment to be called an inspiration - often times its hard to feel worthy, as I am just like everyone here, but I really do appreciate your kind words. And if I am helping in anyhway - that makes me feel great.
I'm just someone whose time has come really.
Thanks a lot - and wishing you success on your journey as well!!!
x
Blonde Logic
Yes. You can.
lol -yeah, it looks a bit different. BUt, amazingly they don;t seem to take a lot of notice.
My OHs passport was taken before we met, with a number 1 clip - now he has a beard/stache and his hair is down his back in a pony tail. There is nothing that resembles him, and they never question it!
Kind of makes you wonder why we bother with photos if they aren;t going to question it when the person looks nothing like their Passport!!! lol
xx
Blonde Logic
Yes. You can.
I'll go with that. I;d like to think they were looking at SOMETHING! lol
Lou1973
Silver Member
Hi BL
Was about to type I've lost three hours reading your diary from start to finish but it doesn't feel like they've been lost hours - they've been learning hours. The highs and lows you've been through and the way you express yourself is inspiring and bits of your journey have really jumped out at me and helped me to look at my own life and journey.
I'm on a different diet to the one you choose but your diary has gone to show that the journey of losing weight whatever route people choose is surprisingly similar and some things have to be taken from the subconcious tackled head on and dealt with in order to really suceed not so much in the losing the weight but in the keeping the weight off.
I have absolutely no doubts that with your enlightened view on your journey you are at no risk at all of undoing your fabulous work and putting the weight back on - I have so much admiration for you and am convinced that in the future you'll be giving people the advise/encouragement on how to maintain weight that you are seeking at the moment
Congratulations
Was about to type I've lost three hours reading your diary from start to finish but it doesn't feel like they've been lost hours - they've been learning hours. The highs and lows you've been through and the way you express yourself is inspiring and bits of your journey have really jumped out at me and helped me to look at my own life and journey.
I'm on a different diet to the one you choose but your diary has gone to show that the journey of losing weight whatever route people choose is surprisingly similar and some things have to be taken from the subconcious tackled head on and dealt with in order to really suceed not so much in the losing the weight but in the keeping the weight off.
I have absolutely no doubts that with your enlightened view on your journey you are at no risk at all of undoing your fabulous work and putting the weight back on - I have so much admiration for you and am convinced that in the future you'll be giving people the advise/encouragement on how to maintain weight that you are seeking at the moment
Congratulations
Blonde Logic
Yes. You can.
Thank you Lou I appreciate your really kind comments - made me get all choked up it did!
Thanks for taking the time to read. You get a badge for making ti right through to the end!!!
xxx
I appreciate your really kind comments - made me get all choked up it did! Thanks for taking the time to read. You get a badge for making ti right through to the end!!!
xxx
somewhere_inside_is_me
Silver Member
Hi BL,
I've spent the morning reading your story, recognising a lot of parallels with the way I use food - for pain, for spite - and hoping that my LL journey will be as successful as yours.
Thank you for inspiring me!
S.x
I've spent the morning reading your story, recognising a lot of parallels with the way I use food - for pain, for spite - and hoping that my LL journey will be as successful as yours.
Thank you for inspiring me!
S.x
Blonde Logic
Yes. You can.
Well, it's time to write some more.
Feeling very very happy and content today. Now. In life. Something new has happened, something has changed.
I think am now starting to live my new life.
WHat a strange and new place I find myself these days - after years of living in sadness, I now find my address is happiness. ANd I can feel it - right down inside. Its not just words. I feel it. My heart is filling up. After feeling so empty for so long.
My husband's home tonight after 10 days- he's now tucked away in bed having a couple of hours kip before we have dinner. He is exhausted. Happy, but exhausted. He got home after midday....and I was like a teenager waiting for him. All morning I was actually giddy, and nervous. I was taken by surprise by this! I jut couldn;t wait for him to get home.
I then realised, I am falling in love all over with him all over again after our holiday. Or maybe really for the first time.....I'mnot entirely sure. In the past, I was so unhappy - most of life was just going through the motions. I was so numb. Had numbed myself well and proper. I smiled if a situation called for a smile. I cried if it called for tears. I was life's puppet - always being careful to show the world just what I thought it expected to see. And not really feeling a thing.
Over the years - so many vital parts of my person, my soul, whatever you wish to call it, dissappeared one by one under each layer of fat. Eventually even the tears stopped. I gave up the fight. I didn't cry. I didn;t cry with laughter either. I lost all interest in intamacy and sex- fully understanding the difference between the two. Couldn;t be bothered. I felt like I did not know how to love anyone anyway if I am perfectly honest with myself. My ex-husband gets much of the credit for all of that. He gets a lot of credit for the screwed up life I had been living for so many years. He doesn;t get the blame for what I became - I do. But he does get the credit.
Well, after a row on our third night of holiday, over a very misunderstood, first time every, unpleasant and hurtful and scary sleepwalking incident, something just happened - all the planets must have aligned, because we communicated better then we ever have. It was a huge breakthrough - maybe just a great big peice of my wall finally fell all the way down and I surrendered and actually let him in? SOmething I have not done much of, sad to say.
What caused it to fall was something I told him about my eating that I apparently had never told him.
All these years he thought my weight was due to comfort eating only- as a result of my other marraige. He never knew or understood at a certain point it became self-destructive. He didn't know, that comfort is only what started the climb to morbid obesity. What he did not know, is how bitterly unhappy and scared I was after I left my ex and was knee-deep in another relationship with someone who suffered sever manic deprission. Bi-polar with what I saw as suicidal tendencies. A relationship that I was sure would end in dire circumstances, the worst imaginable, unless I made a very calculated plan to get out of it. It was indeed, the very worst time of my life. That is the time those pics I posted recently were, which I had blacked out from my mind - and not allowed myself to see just how big I had become.
I remembered on day, at a free concert in a local park, I felt my world crumbling around me. I ate, drank and breathed despair. I was sat, on a stone wall. The sun was setting. And so was I. I was sinking, and I realised - that food had become for me a slow form of suicide. In just 2 years, I lost my dad, my uterus, my business, my husband, my dog and my financial freedom. It was those events that clouded my mind and let me wander into the relationship from hell. And I knew no way out, so I now believe I was eating myself to death - or certainly to a stage where maybe someone might notice and save me.
It was this peice of the story my dear husband never knew. ANd it broke him, and all anger dissapted and we both cried. ANd I felt for the first time - he understood me. Realllllly understood me. Knew me. Got me. SOmething I have banged my head against the wall many times over. There is a certain lack of understanding between our two cultures. While we speak the same language - there are enough differences between our countries life behaviours, that it was often grounds for not understanding each other no matter how hard we tried to make the other understand.
But this night - it worked. We got through - and I can't describe how it feels now. How it has changed me. Us. I feel awake.
This diet has given me the courage to speak openly and honestly. And it has re-inforced my patient nature. ANd it has warmed my heart, and nurtured my soul, and I have grown as a result.
And that, there are no words how wonderful a gift that is. I am a different person now, today, then I was three weeks ago.
And I am so excited about what once seemed a very bleak and hopeless future. It is now full of excitement and wonder - and I just know there are ore great chapters ahead - like this year has been the Lighterlife Chapter. I can't wait to see whats next.
There are times I doubt my own words when I sahre them with others. ANd I feel fear that so many who see me as inspirational may one day see me as a fraud, if I am only speaking empty words. BUt I know now - they are not empty words. ALl this stuff is really real.
I HAVE changed. I AM different. Which means my life has changed and will be different and that is a very exciting prospect.
There was no struggle, or hard day, or white kuckle moment on this diet, that was not worth it to reach this realisation. It is worth every single moment of pain. Even all the pain of the last 25 years of being morbidly obese. To feel this way today - its all been worth it. ANd it all is what has made me who I am today.
I know this is maybe coming across like a load of babble....but it makes sense to me, and it capture how I am feeling at this stage......where its gotten a bit scary eating and all.....its also showing me, I am STILL in control.
Its wonderful.
To those who consider quitting.....that would be a horrible mistake. HUGE mistake. Stick with it - grab your golden ring.
There's been nothing nicer.
xxx
Feeling very very happy and content today. Now. In life. Something new has happened, something has changed.
I think am now starting to live my new life.
WHat a strange and new place I find myself these days - after years of living in sadness, I now find my address is happiness. ANd I can feel it - right down inside. Its not just words. I feel it. My heart is filling up. After feeling so empty for so long.
My husband's home tonight after 10 days- he's now tucked away in bed having a couple of hours kip before we have dinner. He is exhausted. Happy
, but exhausted. He got home after midday....and I was like a teenager waiting for him. All morning I was actually giddy, and nervous. I was taken by surprise by this! I jut couldn;t wait for him to get home. I then realised, I am falling in love all over with him all over again after our holiday. Or maybe really for the first time.....I'mnot entirely sure. In the past, I was so unhappy - most of life was just going through the motions. I was so numb. Had numbed myself well and proper. I smiled if a situation called for a smile. I cried if it called for tears. I was life's puppet - always being careful to show the world just what I thought it expected to see. And not really feeling a thing.
Over the years - so many vital parts of my person, my soul, whatever you wish to call it, dissappeared one by one under each layer of fat. Eventually even the tears stopped. I gave up the fight. I didn't cry. I didn;t cry with laughter either. I lost all interest in intamacy and sex- fully understanding the difference between the two. Couldn;t be bothered. I felt like I did not know how to love anyone anyway if I am perfectly honest with myself. My ex-husband gets much of the credit for all of that. He gets a lot of credit for the screwed up life I had been living for so many years. He doesn;t get the blame for what I became - I do. But he does get the credit.
Well, after a row on our third night of holiday, over a very misunderstood, first time every, unpleasant and hurtful and scary sleepwalking incident, something just happened - all the planets must have aligned, because we communicated better then we ever have. It was a huge breakthrough - maybe just a great big peice of my wall finally fell all the way down and I surrendered and actually let him in? SOmething I have not done much of, sad to say.
What caused it to fall was something I told him about my eating that I apparently had never told him.
All these years he thought my weight was due to comfort eating only- as a result of my other marraige. He never knew or understood at a certain point it became self-destructive. He didn't know, that comfort is only what started the climb to morbid obesity. What he did not know, is how bitterly unhappy and scared I was after I left my ex and was knee-deep in another relationship with someone who suffered sever manic deprission. Bi-polar with what I saw as suicidal tendencies. A relationship that I was sure would end in dire circumstances, the worst imaginable, unless I made a very calculated plan to get out of it. It was indeed, the very worst time of my life. That is the time those pics I posted recently were, which I had blacked out from my mind - and not allowed myself to see just how big I had become.
I remembered on day, at a free concert in a local park, I felt my world crumbling around me. I ate, drank and breathed despair. I was sat, on a stone wall. The sun was setting. And so was I. I was sinking, and I realised - that food had become for me a slow form of suicide. In just 2 years, I lost my dad, my uterus, my business, my husband, my dog and my financial freedom. It was those events that clouded my mind and let me wander into the relationship from hell. And I knew no way out, so I now believe I was eating myself to death - or certainly to a stage where maybe someone might notice and save me.
It was this peice of the story my dear husband never knew. ANd it broke him, and all anger dissapted and we both cried. ANd I felt for the first time - he understood me. Realllllly understood me. Knew me. Got me. SOmething I have banged my head against the wall many times over. There is a certain lack of understanding between our two cultures. While we speak the same language - there are enough differences between our countries life behaviours, that it was often grounds for not understanding each other no matter how hard we tried to make the other understand.
But this night - it worked. We got through - and I can't describe how it feels now. How it has changed me. Us. I feel awake.
This diet has given me the courage to speak openly and honestly. And it has re-inforced my patient nature. ANd it has warmed my heart, and nurtured my soul, and I have grown as a result.
And that, there are no words how wonderful a gift that is. I am a different person now, today, then I was three weeks ago.
And I am so excited about what once seemed a very bleak and hopeless future. It is now full of excitement and wonder - and I just know there are ore great chapters ahead - like this year has been the Lighterlife Chapter. I can't wait to see whats next.
There are times I doubt my own words when I sahre them with others. ANd I feel fear that so many who see me as inspirational may one day see me as a fraud, if I am only speaking empty words. BUt I know now - they are not empty words. ALl this stuff is really real.
I HAVE changed. I AM different. Which means my life has changed and will be different and that is a very exciting prospect.
There was no struggle, or hard day, or white kuckle moment on this diet, that was not worth it to reach this realisation. It is worth every single moment of pain. Even all the pain of the last 25 years of being morbidly obese. To feel this way today - its all been worth it. ANd it all is what has made me who I am today.
I know this is maybe coming across like a load of babble....but it makes sense to me, and it capture how I am feeling at this stage......where its gotten a bit scary eating and all.....its also showing me, I am STILL in control.
Its wonderful.
To those who consider quitting.....that would be a horrible mistake. HUGE mistake. Stick with it - grab your golden ring.
There's been nothing nicer.
xxx
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Blonde Logic
Yes. You can.
Thanks for reading and leaving a message Somewhere. I am glad if it was helpful. Its amazing what tools food can become for us ay?
Good luck to you!
Good luck to you!
