Damage Assessment & Necessary Action: 1st weigh in!

[Blonde Logic]

Well, the dust has not even begun to settle, but I realised today I must take action, and take action NOW.

This ordeal of losing mom, the 40 days in the critical care burn unit seeing things no one should see - the absolute anguish of watching her fight hard enough to heal her burns only to see her organs all shut down got to be too much to bear.

And everything I learned in CBT went out the window.

This was too painful, and too deep and I reached for my old friend, without a care about it. I just could not worry - I felt so awful the feelings were so intense - my familiar old friend became my drug again. It was just too much.

So - I have done some pretty serious damage, and made the decision a few days ago that when I get back from the funeral and all that goes with that, that I would go back on full abstinance - not as a band aid but at this point a full on diet as I have probably put on nearly 2 stone. :cry:

I knew with everybite, what I was doing, that I was stuffing my feelings. But I did not care - I knew I would pay for it in the end, and it was all I could manage to do to get through everything. Even when it was making me feel ill, and nearly physically impossible to swallow - I forced myself. Sad, innit. Such a strong pull, and serves the purpose of deadening pain so well. blast.

Goes to show just how hardcore those old demons can be. I felt ill - and kept eating. In the past, I never noticed the ill feeling, so at least I am aware I suppose.

So - tonight I decided I will not wait until we get back, I am going to start now and I will bring packs with me when we return for the funeral, and clearing thehouse, etc.

That is going to be a very difficult time, and if I am on packs, then I won;t eat anything - problem sorted.

Starting this weekend will give me 3 weeks on packs before we go, and then 3 weeks on packs while we are there. THere then won;t be much longer when we return.

I am not going to beat myself up. It happened. It was not my primary worry, so now I just have to pay.

So, here we go again - facing a lot of challenges ahead. These are not happy days. BUt maybe taking the worry away about food - that is one thing I can actually take control of - everything else has all been out of my hands.

So - wish me luck - and I will probably need a hand now and again.

But the buck stops here. Now.

 

[slendablenda]

Oh hun. You are one strong determined lady. Your Mom was rightly proud of you and I am proud to call you my friend.
If I can help in any way you know where I am.:wave_cry:

 

[daisydoll]

Hi there
you know what, - I think you are totally doing the right thing here.

there is no point beating yourself up - lets face it you are not going to go through anything as traumatic as the last couple of months again, and if food helped at the time, then so what.

you realise what/why you did it and you are now using LL as a tool to get back on track - which as I see it, is exactly what its there for.

As you say it will take away the issue of food - and you know you can cope on it - and one less thing (food) to think about over the next few weeks will be good.

Plus when the dust begins to settle a bit, you will be where you want weight wise, rather than having to face a possible 3 stone+ loss, which you really could struggle with.

Good luck hun - and remember we are always here for you to come to for support, you have dished enough out to the rest of us over our time here, it's good to be able to try and return the favour

daisy x

 

[IreneH]

I wish you luck. Your Mom would be so proud of you.

Irene xx

 

[Blonde Logic]

Thank you ladies.

I am trying not to beat myself up. Well, I am not beating myself up fullstop. Already have too many emotions to deal with, I don;t need to add that to the heap.

I know why I ate. So thats half the battle.

I've ordered 2 months of Exante as I can;t afford LL at the moment - this last trip, the extended time their due to the volcano, all that went with that, we are more then skint at the moment. So this is the best option.

I should have them tomorrow;s post, so Saturday it begins. I am nervous, as I know there are going to be so many challenges ahead - I just hope by the time we travel on 1st June that I am fully in ketosis, and that I am embedded in a routine.

We don;t even know where we are going to stay, so I ordered extra bars if there are days where water and blender, etc., are not convenient.

Moms assets have been frozen and her house sealed - so we cannot even stay there. Very dissappointed about that as I would have found a lot of comfort there. This isbecause everything in her affairs is so screwed up, and my leech of a brother would move in and probably claim squaters rights, that the attorney has just sealed everything. No access. Makes me sad. But then, everything is sad right now, wo hey ho.

ANyway, just wanted to say thanks for your support.
xx

 

[Blonde Logic]

Two big boxes of packs arrived today.

Phew.

For the first time in weeks, I feel there is something I can actually be in control of, and its a relief.

So, tomorrow, is day one. And all the stress of tightening waistbands has vanished. I know by the time I get back from moms funeral I wll be halfway to where I want to be.

And the thought of not having to fight the demons that want to comfort me, I can just relax, and have my packs and water and that is really a comfort.

Last time I did packs for a few weeks, I said it would be the last.

But I am on a precipice right now, and it is scary - if I did not take this step now, with all that I am dealing with, I know it would be so easy to just keep stuffing the feelings and end up in a real dire situation.

I have way more than a few pounds to lose, so this is a real committment - not a half hearted atempt to slowly take off 5 or 10 pounds....this is an all in - head down - nose to the grindstone attempt. No milk in my coffee, no lettuce leaves just cause they dont take you out of ketoisis, etc. This is as much a committment as the first round on LL. I gave 100% then, I will give 100% again. I've got my zero-tolerance to failure hat on again, firmly in place.

So, here we go. I will be here for another 2 weeks, and then we are off home. I shuold be pretty well into a routine by then.

phew. the challenges that life throws at us. I could do without. But hey ho - lets ROCK IT. I can do this. And I will. End of.

xx

 

[kenshin112]

your a gem of a lady
what ever you do, since i've known you, you give it 100%
and im damn sure your mom is so proud of you and looking down on you helping you through the hard times and good times

((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

[IreneH]

You know you can do it.

Irene xx

 

[slendablenda]

So proud of you

End of - you said it.
It'll be gone in no time. xxxx

 

[daisydoll]

good on you!
hope the few days aren't too bad
daisy x

 

[Iwillgetthere]

Hi BL
I read your diary from start to finish last weekend and gotta say you truely are an amazing woman. No matter what life throws at you - you pick yourself up and dust yourself off and start over. I cried when things were bad and laughed about the funny parts. I am so sorry for your loss but your mum is at peace now. You can get your weight back off - you have done it before. Just look at the slogan you chose for under your name 'never stop believing'. Thats what you gotta do girl - never stop believing. Good luck huni. My thoughts are with you at this sad time x

 

[Blonde Logic]

Thanks everyone. I am feeling very weepy and fragile this morning, so you have helped lift my spirits some.

xxx

 

[Blonde Logic]

Having a rough day. Been very tearful, and hungry. I justkeep sipping my water.

I find Exante more difficult to start as there are only 3 packs....really miss that 4th pack in the early days.

Also feeling more then I want too.

I woke in tears....I think cause last night I started the task of making phone calls...and that was hard. I have the second half of the "first" list to do tonight.

But I feel good to be back on the packs.....there is a lot of security in that. And I have to face all these feelings someday ANYWAY so they may as well start now.

I miss her so.

 

[lucylastic]

Hi BL

So sorry it's all rubbish for you now, and I wish I, or anyone for that matter, could say or do something to magic away the sadness for you.

I know it's a cliche, and you'll hear it a million times, but time really IS a great healer. Julie and I lost our mum 13 years ago this August, and while of course it still hurts, now all my memories are of the happy times, and I just remember her smiling and laughing, not in the dreadful pain that she was in constantly, leading up to her death.

Thinking of you, and in awe of your strength in facing up to your demons at this time too - good on you, and I wish you all the success in the world there.

Take care xxx

 

[daisydoll]

Hi BL
I found because the exante packs are bigger splitting them in half worked well. The LL ones I couldn't do this with as they were too small but with exante i ended up having 5 meals a day ( couldn't split the bars i liked them too much,lol!)

daisy x

 

[charliefarlie]

Good luck BL. You are being very strong and I think you are doing the right thing by being back on the packs now - damage limitation. Like you say being completely in control o one area of your life (ie your diet) is a very powerful thing. Good luck with it.

 

[Blonde Logic]

Thanks everyone. IWill - thanks for reading my diary, and for you nice comments too.

Day one went 'ok'. Food sure does mask feelings, so I had to feel a lot more yesterday then I would have liked, but hey ho - I 'spose it will get worse before it gets better. But I hang on to the fact that it WILL get better.

Day 2 - here we go.

 

[BIG BIRDY]

You have had a lot to deal with recently. I admire you for getting a
up and doing what you are doing. SS really does put you back in the driving seat and in control again. Its the control that you probably need right now, and if SS is it, then so be it. Huge hugs to you, you need it hun.

 

[Blonde Logic]

Thanks BB <<hugs>>>

Sat here, on day 2. Just had my first pack of the day. Feeling happy with it.

Then not 2 moments later, my little dialogue in my head went something like this... "Ya know, you could wait until you got back from the trip....". This thought popped into my head as I was making a mental shopping list,in case my brother came to spend a few days with us. Just the mere thought of putting food on a list triggered an attempt to bargain my way out of this diet!

For a split second I listened, and then realised who/what was talking, and of course, that is not an option. Well, it is - but not one I am willing to take. Why put off weeks - to get fatter - to then have to work harder? No way.

Phew. Roll on ketosis....you are welcome anytime old friend.

 

[BIG BIRDY]

I am so glad you didnt succumb to that wicked devil sat on your shoulder. He needs duck tape around his lips. We know its a man because no self respecting female would say those things!