Danni's Weight Loss Diary

Thank you :) Reading your messages cheers me up.

I messed up today. Forced myself into college even though I knew I couldn't manage the sitting up. Was hoping to get away with it, but ended up throwing up on the bus on the way in, and missing my lesson because I had to lie down on cushions in the chill out room. I think I worried the staff there a bit as they've not seen me so ill before. Ended up getting a taxi home (£30.30!) and throwing up again, because of the sitting up. Back in bed and feeling relatively better, but am still really ill. Had only had a couple of apples for breakfast as well.

Not sure if I'll be trying to eat again later- depends how I'm feeling, I think. May send Johan to the shops for some bread so I can have some toast as that's normally not too bad when I'm ill.

Tomorrow I am going to see how I am. I am meant to be weighing in, and if I can manage it will go (the meeting is only 10 minutes away). There's 4 meetings on a Tuesday so it doesn't matter if I can't manage my normal one :p If I can't, there's another one locally on Wednesday, though as I'm only 1lb from my 3 stone shiny I do want to see how I've done. I don't do sneaky peeks after my first week :p

I also have another hospital appointment tomorrow, which I really need to go to as it's about my tooth and it's been giving me a lot of bother. As Johan said, if it makes me ill at least I'll be in the right place for it :p I'm finding it really hard to come to terms with the fact I'm now more severely affected with M.E. and can't do what I want to do when I want any more. I'll learn, though.
 
I was very stubborn and went to group this morning. Not feeling too bad, even though it was the Christmas party and I may have eaten too much. On the bus to my hospital appointment now.

I've lost 4lbs this week, and got my 3 stone shiny :) Our consultant mentioned how the purple certificate and sticker matched mine and Johan's clothes (I'm wearing a purple t-shirt, he's wearing a purple shirt) :p I do feel a bit guilty as I've lost the weight by being ill, but maybe that's a bonus? :p

Will try and get back on plan as soon as I have a day without vomiting once.
 
Thanks Lynne :D

*Deep breath* Yesterday I finally realised just how ill I am. I've been trying to ignore it for ages, and carry on as I was, but that isn't exactly working. I sent an email to my tutor to tell her I'm going to have to leave college, and I'm also going to be putting Slimming World on hold for a bit. Coming off the quetiapine has reduced my appetite by a lot, so I'm worried that if I continue Slimming World as prescribed I will end up in starvation mode because I no longer eat full meals and don't really snack (this is what I was like before I started all psychiatric meds, which explains why I was underweight most of the time).

I'm not quitting completely- I'll still be trying to eat healthily, having a third superfree if possible, and will definitely still be having things like butternut squash chips, sweet potatoes and cheese and the syn free korma :) I'll also continue to weigh myself weekly, though will be doing it at home on a Tuesday morning on the Wii Fit rather than at meetings. I'm going to email my consultant this week to let her know.

When my health improves and I'm actually well enough to start going out again (rather than forcing myself out when I'm not well enough, like I've been doing the last few months) I'll probably start going back to the meetings as even when I wasn't following the plan 100% I found them useful and enjoyable. I still want to lose weight- I'm 5lbs off a BMI of 25, and still want to get back to my comfortable weight of 10 stone. Today has really shown me what my natural appetite is like- I just about managed to eat two slices of toast for lunch, had a snack of some frozen grapes (about half the amount I was eating before) and couldn't finish a three egg cheese omelette (less cheese than in a healthy A, as we ran out :p). I also had two Hifi bars, a clementine and some sugar free polos, and I'm not hungry. This was all normal for me when I was a teenager, and I had to eat full fat stuff all the time to try not to lose weight.

My current plan is to adapt things. I'm no longer going to have Johan measure things like cheese- I'll just have whatever is appropriate for the meal I'm having. I'm not going to deprive myself of chocolate, cakes or white bread when that's what I fancy, as I'm ill and they do help to make me feel better, and with the reduced appetite it's not like I'll be overeating them anyway. I am going to record what I'm eating here, if that's okay with you all, as I think it's a good idea to make sure I'm not undereating, and also so it's easy to make changes if I start gaining weight again. I probably should move my diary to one of the generic weight loss boards, but I have friends here and will be coming back to Slimming World, so want to keep it here for now.

Thank you everyone, especially Jackie, Tilly, Lynne, Charlotte, Lisa and Irene for your support (I'm sure I've forgotten someone- stupid brain fog). I'm still reading diaries and will be responding when I'm well enough to do so. Love you all!
 
oh sweetheart I missed this yesterday :bighug: I am so so sorry. My internet has been diabolical this week so so so slow its crazy.

I think you are doing the right thing. You know how to eat healthily you've lost a good amount of weight and have a healthy BMI its more important to concentrate on feeling better :bighug:

Do stay around and let us know how you are won't you?

Big hugs xxxxxx
 
And I missed it!:confused:

I think its a good idea not to push yourself to go out if you are not feeling well, as hopefully, you will pick up quicker with the rest.

It's a big step stopping your medication, so you need the strength to deal with it.

I hope you don't go away just because you aren't following SW, I still post on the WW community boards, and I haven't been following propoints, but none of my 'friends' mind x

:bighug:

By the way Danni, I was buying Tic Tacs for my daughter, seen a packet of polos, and thought of you and your purple penguin x
 
It was posted really late at night (my best time, annoyingly :p) so don't feel bad about not seeing it until today :p

I'm still going to be posting here. I'm glad you're okay with it even if I'm not currently following Slimming World :)

Coming off the quetiapine was a big step, but I'm glad I did it. I had severe mental health problems from age 12 to nearly 24, was in hospital multiple times with them, and was on lots of different medications from 18. It was medication that made me gain weight in the first place- went from a size 10 to a size 18 in a month on mirtazapine, and also gained a lot on risperidone and pregabalin. Going from about 10 stone (which I had to work my way up to from 7 1/2 stone because of gallstones) to 18 1/2 stone in 18 months from medications was a massive shock to my system. When I started quetiapine I put about a stone on, but this was after losing some already, so it wasn't too bad. It does make it a lot harder to lose weight, as it slows down your metabolism and increases appetite. I'd been on quetiapine for a few years, so had forgotten just what my appetite was like before meds. In good news, I came off it because my mental health had been stable for 18 months, and there has been no return of depression or voices or other hallucinations with coming off it, so it's all good :)

Today's food so far:

Breakfast = 2 Hifi light bars

Lunch = 2 slices of toast with a scraping of butter

Snack = Small bowl of frozen grapes (and I didn't manage all of them :p)

Not sure what we'll be having for tea. May send Johan out for some chicken so I can have lemon and garlic chicken with rice and veg, but it depends on how he's doing as he's finally admitted he's depressed again (I knew this, but he was denying it until yesterday). We need to do a shop really, but don't trust Asda to deliver after they were over 24 hours late last time. Sainsburys and Tesco also deliver here though, so could always try them.

Oh, today I got a zimmer frame delivered :p It's so that when I become stable I can use it to support me with trying to stand and walk properly again. In the meantime, I'll just use it to grab onto while weighing myself on the Wii Fit (at the meetings I'd hold onto the table in front of me).
 
I was meaning to post all my food here every day, but I've been very forgetful. Johan isn't doing too great- his depression is back and is not playing nice, so I've been spending a lot of time trying to think of distractions for him.

Tonight we went to the MetroCentre. I went to Boots, let one of the ladies there put makeup on me (never really worn it before, and normally I don't like being touched, so this was a big step). I bought everything she put on me, so have all that to try and put on when I'm feeling up to it. Should be interesting.

We went to Nandos via Thorntons (bought some half price chocolates- will be keeping them to share for a film or something). At Nandos I had a quarter chicken with a lemon and herb marinade, some grilled cheese, and frozen yoghurt. It was all very nommy, and I don't know what it will do for my weigh in tomorrow, but I know that most days I've been undereating so I probably haven't gained. I won't be upset if I have either, though.

Today's food:

Some Tyrrell's Veg Crisps

Frozen grapes

2 sausages and 2 eggs

Nandos 1/4 chicken, halloumi cheese, frozen yoghurt

Sugar free polos.
 
I've been paying for going out.

Put 1lb on Tuesday morning, but since I hadn't gone to sleep when I weighed myself that may not be accurate (pain kept me awake). I don't want to get into the habit of sneaky peeks so will wait until Tuesday morning before weighing again.

Currently alternating between days of barely having anything and vomiting a lot, and overeating a bit :( Need to get it under control. It's complicated by Johan being too ill to cook, and often too ill to get things for me. I have some Ryvita Crispbreads next to me (I really like them, even by themselves) but also some chocolates which I was meant to be saving for a film night, but opened today as I was really craving chocolate and Johan wasn't well enough to go out to fetch any.

My weight isn't my main concern though- the carers are causing problems, and Johan's suicidal a lot of the time, so I'm spending a lot of energy trying to find ways to distract him and keep him calm. We both lost it last night as I was struggling as I needed water, Johan hadn't got me any for 3 hours and he yelled at me for trying to get it myself. I need to sleep but I'm waiting until Johan's gone to bed so I know he's not likely to disappear during the night.

Crisis team were out Wednesday morning, but can't see a role for themselves because the main problem is the carers. Social worker doesn't seem to be getting just how bad things are- I asked about respite and he said he'd post out a carers assessment. Okay, fine, but I'm trying to keep Johan out of hospital and I'm not sure I can keep going for a few more days, nevermind the several weeks it takes to process assessments. His medication has been changed to one that works within a couple of weeks, but it's just trying to get through this period. I know I'm ill, and not well enough to get things myself really, but Johan can't see that if it's going to take him hours to do things then he can't be stopping me from doing them myself, especially for things like water.
 
Thanks. I don't feel comfortable with my brother helping now- I need a lot of help with things like using the commode or bedpan, and he's a teenage male, so it doesn't really feel appropriate. It's the same reason I can't ask my friend Colin. Both were able to help while I was still able to do my own toileting, but I can't now. I know Johan has been struggling with it, and he's married to me.

I ended up throwing up everything I'd eaten yesterday, and as I was worried I weighed myself this morning. I've lost 4lbs since Tuesday, so now down to 12stone 9lbs (as I'd put a pound on Tuesday). I wouldn't normally but since I discovered I'd basically digested nothing the day before I wanted to see if it was worth trying to get something to help. The anti sickness tablets aren't working, even the ones that go under the lip so don't need swallowing.

Johan's doing a bit better today, although I'm aware that his mood can change really quickly. He's gone to Boots to try and get some build up drinks so I can sip them, to try and get some calories and nutrients into me. I am amused a bit that I'm getting drinks designed for people who need to gain weight when I'm trying to lose, but at my level of activity (pretty much none) I shouldn't be losing that quickly, and it's not a healthy way to do it.

In good news, I'm currently wearing a size 12-14 nighty that now fits nicely (a friend got it for me as it has penguins on, not realising that at the time I was a size 18 so it wouldn't fit me) and I tried a pair of size 14 trousers on and they fit well, though I can't tolerate the material as my skin is so sensitive. So I guess I'm a size 14 now :)

Current aims: to help Johan get through until his psychiatrist appointment on Monday morning, to try and stabilise my weight until I can eat properly again, and to not get dehydrated as I hate hospitals.
 
Danni,

I don't know how, but you and Johan really do need more help, you seem to be struggling so much at the moment.

I agree with Tilly, what about your brother or Colin come around to do a bit of cooking/housework/shopping to ease the pressure on Johan?

Make sure that you stay hydrated, as, we can all survive on little food, but fluids are essential xxxxxx

And if you thought Tilly sounded bossy, I am now probably worse xx
 
Too late to ask my brother tonight, as he lives 2 hours away. Colin maybe, but he may be looking after little children (he's moved in with his fiancé has either 2 or 3 kids (I can't remember which right now) under 5. I can ask him.

We don't need shopping in, as I did a Sainsburys shop earlier in the week and our cupboards, fridge and freezer are full. I don't need food, as I'm not well enough (I'm nibbling on a crispbread to try and get something down while I wait for the build up to go cold, as Johan made it with warm UHT milk :p). Johan went to the MetroCentre a couple of hours ago and had a McDonalds while out, so he's okay for now. His mood is dropping so I'm scared to ask him anything, but he's distracting himself with World of Warcraft at the moment.

Tidying the carers are meant to do, but most don't. It's not too bad at the moment as one of the nice carers came Wednesday night and did the living room in 5 minutes, and took the rubbish out and stuff. So it's mostly just my stuff- cleaning out the commode or bedpan, throwing out my sick bags, and making sure I've got water.

We do need more help, you're right. It's just getting it- we don't know that many people in the local area who are suitable, and the care agency are being completely rubbish, putting carers on the rota who make me ill, which in turn makes Johan worse. My middle sister has a 2 year old, I try not to have much contact with my mum as she makes me ill (she's got problems so sometimes I'm the worst person in the universe and the cause of everything that's gone wrong in her life, so it's easier to not have to deal with that). My youngest sister is too unstable herself, and also lives about an hour and a half away. Even my next door neighbours have moved.

Don't worry about being bossy- you're just being sensible. I think it's just trying to keep going until Monday morning. Johan has his appointment at 11am, and I'm going as I know what he's like for forgetting what he's like when at his most ill. Luckily I have enough money to cover taxis.
 
It's all the bl**dy cutbacks. The social workers and care agency should be providing much more help. Your main carer is Johan and he's ill so you need someone for both of you.

Maybe if you mention this at the docs as well they may be able to influence the agencies to provide more care for you both.

Would it help if you had a few bottles of water near you so that if he gets distracted and forgets to bring you a drink at least you've got something.
 
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