chunkychicken
Full Member
Well here I am - it may have taken a while for me to realise that this was the only way for me to move forward... but abstinence really is the only thing that has ever worked for me consistently when I need to lose weight.
I have been arguing with myself, over and over, whether this was the way forward for me this time or not. Arguing that I am not learning about the consequences of my binge eating because I know that when I do abstinence, I can easily lose 10lbs to a stone in a week. I thought that by not doing abstinence this time I would have to "suffer" being overweight again and that maybe next time I had the binge urge I would think twice about it. Problem is, I can't stand feeling this way - especially when I know that it is "fixable". What I forgot to factor in to this decision was that feeling fat and gross makes me so unhappy that it leads to more bingeing and the cycle begins all over again.
So today is me stepping out of the binge cycle and moving forward with my eyes wide open. I know that returning to abstinence is tougher every time you do it - and this is the 4th time I have returned to it (eeek). I know that in about a week when my waistband starts to feel slacker and I don't feel as huge, that my willpower will start to falter and I will start talking myself into living on salad, and that I am cured this time blah blah blah.... but I also know this time that it is total bullS*#t and not to listen. I know that I will feel very sorry for myself for a few days, but I also know that I feel great on packs, I sleep beautifully on packs, I take better care of myself on packs, I save money on packs, I like the taste of packs.... all in all I feel very positive towards packs.... unfortunately I have to get through the 3 days of hell first before I can enjoy the benefits!!
So I thought that this time I would record my thoughts and feelings as I go. I read other peoples diaries and have always got a tremendous amount of useful information from them - so hopefully, if I am disciplined enough to write regularly, I might find a few lightbulbs to switch on along the way.
First and foremost I am making a comittment to do 100 days of abstinence. There I have said it. I keep trying to kid myself that I am "just doing a few weeks or a month" but at this point, I know deep down that I have 100 days to go. When I did foundation it was so easy to get through those first 100 days because I KNEW exactly how much longer I had to go. I have struggled since then because I was never brave enough to commit to much longer than a month. I don't know why, I have wasted so much time recently stressing about my weight and appearance that I could have completed foundation a few times over and been done with it. So I am being big and brave and going for it.
So what made me have this radical change of mind? There is a combination of things really, but all of which have contributed to the same thing. I have been kidding myself. Mainly about people not noticing my weight gain. I have been oozing my way into clothes that do not fit me and convincing myself that I am "still fitting in the same size!" - I was SURE that no-one could see it. But in one week, my partner has admitted that he can see I have put weight on (under extreme pressure to "tell the truth" from me I might add before you all think he is a git), I went for a repeat prescription of the pill and the woman I saw there was asking me if I was happy with the pill I was taking as I might be happier with another method and at some point in the conversation managed to use the sentence "especially with your weight!", and then to top it off, a lady in one of my RTM groups (I am a LL locum) offered to give me her old blouses in sizes 18-20 (even though I am only a 16).
I was so gutted last night and yesterday with everything. How could I have let myself get to the point where people felt compelled to comment on my weight again. I thought I had left all that behind - I thought those days were over. I certainly don't want them to continue. Unfortunately I have to admit that this is probably my main motivation for restarting at the moment. Yes, I am unhappy with how i look and how I feel in my clothes. Yes, I am heartily sick of hearing myself moan on about my weight etc etc etc. Yes, I want to be slimmer and healthier and to get on with my new life. But at the moment - I am most motivated by fear and embarassment - something I am not proud of. If someone came to see me at LL and told me that - I would tell them to manage their thinking and that it wasn't a very positive image to move towards as a goal. I know all of that - but it still retains its power over me.
I don't want to go to work and stand in front of a group of people who are thinner than I am and tell them how to manage their weight. I want to hide under a rock to be honest. So that is my motivation so far - it shouldn't be - but this is my diary and I need it to be honest or it won't help me in the long run.
So thanks for reading this waffle (if you got this far) any comments are more than welcome.
Love Laura
I have been arguing with myself, over and over, whether this was the way forward for me this time or not. Arguing that I am not learning about the consequences of my binge eating because I know that when I do abstinence, I can easily lose 10lbs to a stone in a week. I thought that by not doing abstinence this time I would have to "suffer" being overweight again and that maybe next time I had the binge urge I would think twice about it. Problem is, I can't stand feeling this way - especially when I know that it is "fixable". What I forgot to factor in to this decision was that feeling fat and gross makes me so unhappy that it leads to more bingeing and the cycle begins all over again.
So today is me stepping out of the binge cycle and moving forward with my eyes wide open. I know that returning to abstinence is tougher every time you do it - and this is the 4th time I have returned to it (eeek). I know that in about a week when my waistband starts to feel slacker and I don't feel as huge, that my willpower will start to falter and I will start talking myself into living on salad, and that I am cured this time blah blah blah.... but I also know this time that it is total bullS*#t and not to listen. I know that I will feel very sorry for myself for a few days, but I also know that I feel great on packs, I sleep beautifully on packs, I take better care of myself on packs, I save money on packs, I like the taste of packs.... all in all I feel very positive towards packs.... unfortunately I have to get through the 3 days of hell first before I can enjoy the benefits!!
So I thought that this time I would record my thoughts and feelings as I go. I read other peoples diaries and have always got a tremendous amount of useful information from them - so hopefully, if I am disciplined enough to write regularly, I might find a few lightbulbs to switch on along the way.
First and foremost I am making a comittment to do 100 days of abstinence. There I have said it. I keep trying to kid myself that I am "just doing a few weeks or a month" but at this point, I know deep down that I have 100 days to go. When I did foundation it was so easy to get through those first 100 days because I KNEW exactly how much longer I had to go. I have struggled since then because I was never brave enough to commit to much longer than a month. I don't know why, I have wasted so much time recently stressing about my weight and appearance that I could have completed foundation a few times over and been done with it. So I am being big and brave and going for it.
So what made me have this radical change of mind? There is a combination of things really, but all of which have contributed to the same thing. I have been kidding myself. Mainly about people not noticing my weight gain. I have been oozing my way into clothes that do not fit me and convincing myself that I am "still fitting in the same size!" - I was SURE that no-one could see it. But in one week, my partner has admitted that he can see I have put weight on (under extreme pressure to "tell the truth" from me I might add before you all think he is a git), I went for a repeat prescription of the pill and the woman I saw there was asking me if I was happy with the pill I was taking as I might be happier with another method and at some point in the conversation managed to use the sentence "especially with your weight!", and then to top it off, a lady in one of my RTM groups (I am a LL locum) offered to give me her old blouses in sizes 18-20 (even though I am only a 16).
I was so gutted last night and yesterday with everything. How could I have let myself get to the point where people felt compelled to comment on my weight again. I thought I had left all that behind - I thought those days were over. I certainly don't want them to continue. Unfortunately I have to admit that this is probably my main motivation for restarting at the moment. Yes, I am unhappy with how i look and how I feel in my clothes. Yes, I am heartily sick of hearing myself moan on about my weight etc etc etc. Yes, I want to be slimmer and healthier and to get on with my new life. But at the moment - I am most motivated by fear and embarassment - something I am not proud of. If someone came to see me at LL and told me that - I would tell them to manage their thinking and that it wasn't a very positive image to move towards as a goal. I know all of that - but it still retains its power over me.
I don't want to go to work and stand in front of a group of people who are thinner than I am and tell them how to manage their weight. I want to hide under a rock to be honest. So that is my motivation so far - it shouldn't be - but this is my diary and I need it to be honest or it won't help me in the long run.
So thanks for reading this waffle (if you got this far) any comments are more than welcome.
Love Laura
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