DH doesn't seem to like me anymore...

Discussion in 'Cambridge Weight Plan' started by LollyPop, 11 March 2008 Social URL.

  1. LollyPop

    LollyPop One Day at a Time

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    Okay... so that might be a bit drastic but not far from the truth. DH and I had another 'discussion' last night about how I'm not the person I was... he said the person he fell in love with wasn't obsessed with clothes and always looking in the mirror. How I seem to be getting dressed up all the time and making an effort and it wasn't for him. He thinks there's someone else... that I'm trying to impress.

    Does anyone understand what he means... the thing is I agree with him on most counts... yes I do seem pre-occupied with finding clothes that fit me, yes I'm always looking in the mirror to check if I look okay, because I don't recognise the person looking back at me. I have no idea what style of clothes suit me or don't. I am so different. (i've lost 6 stone and have 1 more to go).

    He says he doesn't like me skinny! I am by no means skinny - still BMI 26.

    There isn't anyone else, I love him and our little boy so much.. but I am different - the problem is I am who I always wanted to be now - I just never thought that he wouldn't like me for it. :confused:
     
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  3. quizzicalgrrl

    quizzicalgrrl Posting Mad!

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    god this breaks my heart.

    tell your man that this is about you finding you, not leaving him behind. Thanks for sharing I am sure this happens to loads of us xx
     
  4. Mini

    Mini Administrator Staff Member

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    I am sure he loves you very much, just that he is feeling insecure and looking for reassurance...it is a very common occurrence when you lose weight.


    Tell him what he is going through is perfectly normal, just as what you are going through is for you.

    Remind him that being slim is more healthy and less wear and tear on the joints etc. You have the energy and stamina to be more active with your son and him...as well...smaller fitting clothes cost much less and you can now afford to buy twice as much for the same amount of money:p

    All girls like to dress up and look in the mirror, that is what all girls do! don't they:confused::D


    Love Mini xxx
     
  5. Dom1979

    Dom1979 Gold Member

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    I feel for you, I really do. This is a really difficult situation for you both to overcome, and it IS something you have to overcome together. Keep talking, keep reassuring, keep laughing together. Make sure that you spend time and effort on your relationship. Go to dinner. Go to the pictures together. Do whatever it is that you two like to do together, and discover new things that you can do now that you are slim and healthy enough to enjoy it.

    It's very true that you have probably changed a bit, but you've got to show him that it's for the better! The balance of power within your relationship will have altered too, and he might feel that he has to 'up his game'. Just keep talking, and eventually he should get it!

    This bit does pass, the 'mirror addiction' phase, but you won't stop looking in the mirror and liking what you see. And you shouldn't! You've worked really hard for this and deserve to enjoy it.
     
  6. Overtiredmum

    Overtiredmum Full Member

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    You poor thing, sounds very much to me like your hubby is very insecure, probably sees how fabulous you are looking and is worried. All I would say is talk as much as possible, I agree with quizz, you must let him know this whole journey is all about you finding yourself rather than leaving him behind.
     
  7. domino

    domino Full Member

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    I agree with all your reply posts ~ some very good advice being given out and I am sure that in time your DH will overcome his feelings of insecurity or anxiety over your fabulous weight loss.

    My reply is therefore not so much about how you cope with the current situation, because I have no doubt that you will ~ but merely to say keep your head up girl. You have achieved a truly incredible weight loss and I would hope you have plenty of people around you that are saying the same.

    You deserve those 'looking in the mirror' moments, because you are now seeing a new you and should feel very proud of what you alone have achieved.
     
  8. sassey50kg

    sassey50kg determined to be thin!

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    Not much to add to the above post as they say it all. Just make sure that you dont give up all your hard work, you deserve to feel good about yourself. Once he realises that this is about you, not him, he will come round, esp as you are probably a happier person to be around since the weightloss xxx
     
  9. Delli

    Delli Talks too much

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    Some really good advice here, sorry i cant really add to it. Hope u can resolve this issue.
     
  10. Dancing

    Dancing Gold Member

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    is it possible that his insecurity is due to him not feeling he is worthy of you now. What I mean is if you have changed the way you dress - more fitted and stylish clothes, and you wear makeup more and are checking yourself out in the mirror (oh, I know what that is about ... I can't believe how I look now. Don't feel guilty about doing that, will you), and he is someone who is quite casual, doesn't bother about what he wears and just likes to feel comfortable, perhaps he is now thinking you will want him to change his appearance too? If that is not the case, he would benefit from hearing this from you. If you go out together, do you want him to dress differently now? Do you think he thinks you want him to?

    So rather than it being that he doesn't like you anymore, perhaps he is worried that you don't like him anymore.

    As always with relationships, it comes down to communication (as people have already said above) - everything will be fine if you can communicate openly and honestly with each other. Good luck

    Not sure what help if any my post is but these are the things that came to mind.
     
  11. rowanx2

    rowanx2 Losing the baby fat

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    well i think it's probably common. men why do they have to put a downer on these things?
    it's not you anyway - it's him being insecure.
    when i started losing wt my then b/f used to say i would find someone else, well i lost weight and married him which shut him up!
    i think he was half kidding mind, and yours probably is a bit kidding but a bit serious too.
    wouldnt you think they would just feel great for us feeling great about ourselves for once?
    hope you sort it out with him, i say look in the mirror all you like and buy clothes and stuff - it's got to be better than us moaning about our weight and hardly making any effort and avoiding the mirror?
    youre probably more confident too - he might be scared he'll lose you.
    cos doesnt losing weight give you ideas of wanting more from life? it's probably scary for them cos they stayed the same while you changed.
     
  12. LollyPop

    LollyPop One Day at a Time

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    Thanks for all your really good posts. Yes hubby is a bit insecure, he always has been but I thought that was part of the reason he picked me because I wasn't about to run off with anyone looking the way I did. We had a child, we got married, we've been together 5 years but deep down he still thinks I'm going to run off with someone else. Me losing weight hasn't helped this but I had to do it FOR ME. I couldn't be that person anymore I was tired of it.

    I love him as he is, I don't want him to change (apart from that insecurity) but I know he is who he is; and just as I wouldn't change for someone else, I don't expect him to.

    We do talk but not as much as we used to, you are right communication is probably the wider issue here, the weight loss has just fuelled it. I just really don't know how to make things better. We are both so wrapped up in our own lives. We had a huge row last night because he forgot my birthday - its on thursday - he knows when it is but he made plans for work - which he's now cancelled - because it slipped his mind! My birthday is pretty much a non-entity every year because he either hasn't got the money - he didn't save it from when he got paid - or he doesn't know what to do. Apparantly its my fault because I'm so difficult to pick for - its my fault he can't take me for a meal because of CD etc etc. Its like a constant battle!! This time last year we were in Venice (but that was our honeymoon- I purposely booked it to coincide with my birthday-so that we'd do something special).

    I'm fed up with having to make the effort for me - he should be doing this. I always make his birthday special - god this is such a moan - sorry. :sigh:
     
  13. eatlessweighless

    eatlessweighless Full Member

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    Gosh, don't worry about having a moan. Sending you :hug99:

    Is this a generic man thing, my ex husband was like this. None of it is your 'fault', he needs to adjust his way of thinking.

    Sit the man down and tell him straight, that things have to change on his part too, a relationship is give and take on both sides. He needs to make an effort. Tell him how frustrated you are.

    Sorry if I'm talking out of turn, I have just come out of a manipulative relationship where I could do no right. It made me put over 3 stone on in weight and screwed my head up big time. I thought everything was my fault, and I changed into a strange timid person always walking on eggshells, followed by massive rows.

    I hope things work out for you, straight talking is the key. You hold you head up high and be proud of what you have achieved. If he only got with you cos he didn't think you would run away, then thats his problem that he needs to deal with. He doesn't deserve you if he thinks that!!

    Much love.

    Theresa x
     
  14. Dragonfly

    Dragonfly Silver Member

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    How about arranging a nice weekend away together, just the two of you and let him get to know the new you and you can show him that you still love him and want to be with him. I hope it works out for you soon
     
  15. BIG BIRDY

    BIG BIRDY Silver Member

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    brings tears to my eyes reading these posts. Don't go gaining anyweight back to ease his feelings. Not one ounce do you hear me! If you do regain, then its because you did it for you, not for him. My OH 'forgot' my 40th birthday, and 2 since then. He made up for it in the ones inbetween, but that doesn't take away the hurt. Am I so insignificant in this mans life that that is all he feels for me.? He tries to hurt at an emotional level, just where most females are vulnerable, especially if they have 'body issues'. Then you feel as though it's your fault. Thankfully I have now had the blinkers and fog removed and am moving forward in my head. We are still together, god only knows how though! We do have fun sometimes, the kids are our life and I couldn't upset them for anything, but I know I am missing out on so much more from a relationship. We haven't had sex for 8 months now, and all I get is a kiss on the cheek that Great Aunt Flo would get. Wish I could help you some more.
     
  16. quizzicalgrrl

    quizzicalgrrl Posting Mad!

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    Just a question.. what if you "forgot" his birthday? Maybe it is time for that
     
  17. Barb

    Barb Gold Member

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    How about showing him this thread? It's honest, with lots of good advice and stuff he could relate to about other peoples partners feeling as he does.
    The bits you write make it very clear how much you love him, perhaps if he saw it in writing it would help him to adjust to the new you without feeling threatened by the changes.

    Love
     
  18. cambridge*diet*08

    cambridge*diet*08 Silver Member

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    also brought tears to my eyes... how soppy am i??? lol...
    i really hope that you can sort this out.
    i am half way through my journey and touch wood my OH has not stopped being 100% supportive,
    i can understand why some men would feel insecure if a woman has been overweight for a while and has become a shy recluse (like me...) then suddenly the lady becomes much more confident...
    The only way to resove this (if you want to) is to talk talk talk...
    Good luck xxx
     
  19. weepoppet

    weepoppet Full Member

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    If your husband does not want to loose you he is going the wrong way about trying to keep you.

    Sounds to me like you are both insecure. Saying he only picked you to go out with because you were fat and therefore would not leave him speaks volumes.

    If you have felt you looked fat and unattractive for years it will take time to adjust to the new you for both of you. It is not just the physical changes you are having to cope with but also the mental changes.

    Realising you are no longer fat is a big deal. Finding clothes that fit in a smaller size is a big deal. Looking at a slimmer person in the mirror is a big deal. Liking the way you look when for years you have not is a big deal and a person who has never had a weight issue will just never get it.

    Forgetting your birthday is not acceptable and sounds a little selfish/childish. Jesus Christ, you've just lost 6 stone, what about a voucher for Next?

    Ok, I may be a bit harsh but I think your husband needs a tough talking too. You can't keep reassuring him that you love him and want to be with him if he is not prepared to listen. Tell him that if he wants to still be with you he better start making more of an effort to get to know the 'new' you cause if he continues to push you away he will only succeed in doing the very thing he is scared of happening.
     
  20. moti17

    moti17 is gonna do it!!

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    You have had a major acheivement losing soooo much weight. Surely your happiness is whats important. Also the health benefits of losing weight is important too. But like you said, he's insecure and only he can change that. Good luck to you, you've done so well X
     
  21. bigley b

    bigley b Full Member

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    How is the situation now LollyPop? Hope everything is better and you managed to sort it all out between you.
     
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