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feeling blue...

Hi All

Just struggling to get to sleep so thought I'd put a few thoughts down and get them out in the 'open'.

Since starting RTM I've really struggled to maintain a balanced mood and it seems to be getting worse. At a time I should be full of energy I feel exhuasted and look pale and unwell.

I started eating 5 weeks ago now and I now struggle to get out of bed in the mornings, feel depressed (I've suffered badly in the past) and generally feel sluggish and bloated.

Not only that, my flawless complexion has now gone back to being dry and blotchy, my eczma has returned and my hair is coming out in even bigger clumps (which has been getting worse for the last 3 months), my digestive system is in bits and my mood is all over the place.

It sounds silly that now I'm on more calories I have less energy but it's true. I get to the gym most days but find it really hard (and I usually love the gym)

I've always hated Christmas but this year is particularly hard as it's the first one since my Dad died in February this year. Also, my sister is coming back from Australia next week. She's not seen me since I started LL but I don't feel the way I wanted to for her return.

I'm probably just having a bad day. Work's really busy and I'm skint and tired. I've had some really good days too recently. Last weekend was great but I'm feeling incredibly low and not very healthy. People have told me today I look pale and tired whereas only a few weeks ago everyone was saying how healthy and glowing I was looking. I don't know, maybe my period is due or something. They're so all over the place I've lost track!

Anyway, it'll be great to see my big sis and for her to see her now official 'little' sis as opposed to being just the younger one! Just want to get myself looking really well for her arrival next monday. It's been one of my big goals throughout LL to meet her at the airport and for her jaw to drop at the sight of me being back to the person she remembers.

Anyone else feel the same when you started eating again? Sorry to be miserable. Just wanted to get it off my chest though.

Working from home the next two days so at least I've got the chance to drink plenty of water and flush out whatever is in my system.

Thanks for listening :) xxx
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Morniong hon

SOrry you are so blue. :( I have not experienced the malaise that you describe, or the skin/hair probs. I'm sorry you are having those side effects.

Have you spoken to your LLC yet? Maybe you need to take Vitamin Supplements during this transition. Are you eating enough, plus your two packs? If you are skimping on your two meals you may be missing nutrients that are leaving you tired?

It's quite a transition - abstainance to eating again....and won;t go into detail here in the open forum. But it is.

I hope by this morning you have had a good cleep and things are looking brighter. You've accomplished so much, and RTM is a process.....and maybe your body is just stubborn and sle to adapt. BUt I would speak to your LLC and see what she reccomends.

Hang in there - I hope you feel brighter. :)

Really sorry your having a rough time. Christmas can be such a difficult time of year for people who have lost families, I think lots of people forget how hard it get as everyone gets caught up with the excitement of parties and presents. Maybe you should make a point on Christmas day to have a moment where you and your sister can have a little thought about him, that way he will still part of your christmas.

I'm still on foundation so have no idea of RTM but I was going to suggest you take a really good multi vitamin as your body has got so used to getting ALL its vitamins and minerals every day! Try getting out for a walk in the day light, we dont get much of at the moment but its worth trying to get for half an hour when its daylight, so many of us leave the house in the dark and get back in the dark after a day in the office. My skin is awfull at the moment with the cold so ive got a really good night moisturiser to work through the night.

Your sister is going to be blown away when she sees you. No doubt about that. Well done youve done so well!


Full Member
Sorry to hear that you're feeling down Rach. This time of year can be very hard and I completely understand that going back onto RTM must be an emotional journey in itself. You've lost the 'safety net' of abstinence and whilst your body was used to being in ketosis, it's now shocked by eating again and is reacting. Also I think the buzz of losing weight must drop off and people say less to you about how you look, this must make you feel a bit down as well.

Why don't you plan a lovely pampering session just before your sister arrives? Allow yourself plenty of time for a long soak in the bath, a manicure and pedicure, style your hair, put some make up on and a great outfit (high heels always make me feel better!). When you get to the airport you will feel great and look fabulous, your sister will not recognise you.

I hope that you feel better soon. I know it's hard at the moment, but don't forget how far you've come and how much you've accomplished. You are a winner.


Guess who's back...?
Rachel, in some ways I completely understand how you feel. Last Christmas my dad was taken to hospital on the 23rd and died at 8am on Boxing Day - completely out of the blue from a major stroke/infection... we were pretty much camped out in ICU and the stroke ward, fighting with consultants etc... so me and my bro and sis are dreading Christmas this year - it's all too raw - just seeing the Christmas lights switched on brought a lump to my throat. I'm tempted just to lock myself away with my shakes, a few films and a blow heater and get through to New Year...

It's not easy being without the people we love at such times of year.. I'm just living in the hope that it will get easier (my step dad who I was VERY close to died a few years back, oh it's been great fun... and it's started getting more manageable now, although I have a little cry each year... but that's natural.. anyway - I digress...)

I'm sure you'll feel better soon - and your sis will be bowled over when she sees you. Don't worry too much about the dry skin - are you using the central heating alot? I know it's obvious, but I ALWAYS start getting dry and flaky at this time of year due to the heating, cold etc... just keep drinking water, taking vits and using a good quality moisturiser/E45 or something... you could always invest in a nutrient facial at your local spa the morning she arrives (so what if it's cheating, lol)....

Ah, ladies. Another "lost her dad at Christmad" lady here. :(

23-12 was my dads birthday as well. But he died on the 5th, in 1993. It still feels like yesterday. Always will. Between his birthday, the day he passed, the funeral and christmas - it seemed like one sad anniversary week after week. I really begam to hate the month of December.

(Anna - he is also a huge part of the story behind my tattoo....)

I won't lie to you, as you will know differently anyway - it will be bloody hard this Christmas for you and yours.

And the same goes for you too Rachel - its just a tough time. I wish I could make it easier for you. :(* <hugs hugs and more hugs>

Dads are special. Mine was my hero.

These past several months, while going through all we go through on LL, this is sort of the first time, in all those years that I haven't shed at least one little tear for him nearly every day. It wasn't healthy - I know that - but man, when a heart is well and truly broken - thats what its like - so you all have my love and sympathy's for your losses, and just know I'llbe thinking about you too, as well as our dads this holiday season.

(I'm sorry if this makes you sad - I don;t mean for it too. Just want you to know, I understand - completely - and with that said, if you ever need, or want - PM me. I found it helpful and comforting speaking to those who truly understand, and until you experience the loss of a parent - you don't.)



Guess who's back...?
Blonde - thank you so much for that... I noticed the words on the tattoo and thought it would be to do with that. Dad's are special.. unfortunately I wasted too many years fighting with mine - we'd only started getting close again in the last few years, so I have a lot of regrets to contend with - and missed opportunities. My step-dad was there from when I was about 6, and we were very close... he died from Motor Neurone Disease (ALS/Lou Gehrigs in the States?) so we had a good few years of him losing mobility/motor functions etc before he went. Watching him go triggered all sorts of issues in myself and I developed serious panic disorder, worrying about being out of control - from not being able to get to a loo, to being stuck at a red light when popping to the shops - got so debilitating that I really started to wonder what the point of it all was. Cheery stuff.

Anyway - I'm off on a rant again - sorry guys - this isn't a case of 'woe me'... but it is a comfort to know people have been through things - and I feel strangely at ease to talk candidly on here - just tell me to shut up if it gets too morbid and depressing (I'm a little ray of sunshine most of the time, honest!)

And - you're right BL - people that haven't been through it don't understand. They may try, or they may think they do - and I get frustrated. Our fathers are our creators - and despite rocky relationships, the odd regret and so on - you still can't get into words how lost you feel when you realise that the flesh and blood that made you is gone.

All my dad used to want from me was for me to be slim, healthy, sporty etc... we fell out a lot over it - and I just wish he could see me now. We did the last of his ashes a week or so ago, and I just stood there, looked down at the hole where we'd put him - and asked him if he was proud. A rainbow appeared at that point, which was lovely - it's strange how your imagination runs wild... although we did then laugh about how he'd not be seen dead climbing up to heaven on a camp rainbow - more likely a steel ladder of a construction site. :p

Ok - i'm getting a bit wet around the eyes, so will stop now...

Thanks for being here - and I, too, am here for anyone that needs to talk over this f*cking festive period. Oh joy...

A xx
Hey Anna and BL

So many memories of 'this time last year' when Dad started to deteriorate. He had cancer and started chemo on 20th Dec as a last ditch attempt to slow things down. It didn't work. Probably sped things up in fact which in some ways I see as a belssing as he didn't have to suffer any more than he already had.

I see the lights like you Anna and it feels like I'm back there again. Driving in the dark to and from the hospital. But so very much has changed. Not only am I less than half the woman I used to be but I'm stonger, more confident, more mature. More a woman I think my dad would be proud of (oh dear, wet round the eyes!)

You don't have to apologise about pouring your heart out here Anna. Sometimes it's the easiest place to do it. I've found so anyway.

I argued with my Dad a lot. It was only when I was in a crisis that he seemed to just be there for me like I wanted him to be. And I hope in some small way I showed him I could be a daughter to be proud of in those last few months.

I'm sure he's looking down now with his sister (who died two months ago-it's been a good year!) and smiling at us all freezing cold and making a particularly poor effort at putting the tree and lights up (always his jobs)

Anyway, we're not alone and we must remember that. I'm sure there'll be a moment on Christmas day when I come on here just to see if there's anyone else feeling as rubbish as I may well be for a short while.

It's been one hell of a year. Here's to filling the next one with good memories rather than sad ones xxx


Fighting Demons....
I think it is very difficult to have the first Christmas without a loved one. I don't know about you, but Christmas has always been a very family orientated time of year for us and so it obviously means if one of us is missing, there will be a sadness.
My Grandad died in August of cancer. I was so close to him, and I was always his little girl. His daughter/my auntie died when she was 17. It never escaped anyone how alike we looked. When I took my cousin to see my Grandma after Grandad died, she saw a picture of my auntie with me as a baby and asked who it was, when I told her, she said she said she thought it was me in the picture with the baby! I think that's why we had that bond, because I reminded him of her. He is the main reason that I started LL. He just wanted me to be happy and healthy. I didn't want to admit he was ill, and I closed myself off from it, and because of that I never got to say goodbye to him.
I know this Christmas is going to be hard. But I am trying to focus on the positive, like the other members of my family who are still here. And I'm sure, although we are bound to have a few moments to think about him, we will still manage to have a normal family Christmas! Well as normal as you can get with our lot!!

I hope that you do feel better soon Rachel, but I am sure that especially at this time of year, things just might seem like they are piling up on you. Take some time out for you and I'm sure that you will work away through it all. Just look at how far you have come already!

B x
It's hard when you lose someone in the family especially when it comes round to Christmas.
My brother -in-law died this year (April) he was only 49. He had a two year fight with cancer. Of course this time of year is the worst for missing them but I would like to think in the future we can think of them in a positive way at Christmas, remember the good times we had together.............Easier said than done ..................
reading all those messages, makes me realise that I'm not the only one who now doesn't particulary look forward to Christmas, as I too, lost my Dad just after - 3 years ago in March. He got taken into hospital and 5 days later he passed away. He would be so proud of what I have achieved with my weight loss and I am so sad that he can't see me. But I miss him every day, not just at Christmas, but you never really get over it, you just learn to live with it eventually. Me, my Mum and my Sister are so much closer now than we have ever been, so something good has happened out of our loss.
But I miss him every day, not just at Christmas, but you never really get over it, you just learn to live with it eventually. .

Those are the exact words I have so often quoted. Its true - you never goet over it - just get better at hiding it and getting on with your life. Which felt like it was going to be very very long without him being a part of it.

I do believe they all see us now, and how we have conquered or are conquering our demons, and would be proud of all of us. :)

My Dad's birthday today

It would have been ,but he died a few years ago.
Then I realised i'm not the only one when my younger brother (47) sent me a text a 8.30 this morning - just said
"Happy birthday Daddy"
Made me feel sad all day...................:tear_drop::needhug:
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<hugs hugs hugs>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Tomorrow starts the first of my anniversary's. It will be 15 years tomorrow that Dad died - and it may as well have been yesterday. Only our family never ever talks baout it or acknowledges it.....its like this giant elephant in th emiddle of the room that we all tiptoe around so as not to disturb. Quite sad really, but its 15 years - guess thats the way it is. We all honour him privately.

Chin up pup - he'd be so proud of you - and in some way is.

<<<<<<<<more hugs>>>>>>>>>>>>



Ancient Egypt Nut!
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<hugs hugs hugs>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Tomorrow starts the first of my anniversary's. It will be 15 years tomorrow that Dad died - and it may as well have been yesterday. Only our family never ever talks baout it or acknowledges it.....its like this giant elephant in th emiddle of the room that we all tiptoe around so as not to disturb. Quite sad really, but its 15 years - guess thats the way it is. We all honour him privately.

Chin up pup - he'd be so proud of you - and in some way is.

<<<<<<<<more hugs>>>>>>>>>>>>



Ancient Egypt Nut!
Hi roundrachel, BL, Slendablenda,MandyLupton,bekimo,malteser, RaeB,annaphylactic and emski :)

I have been so touched just reading this whole thread and how you are all trying to deal with the loss of all your loved ones, especially around this time of year.

I couldn't just read it all and pass by without posting and also to say that we have a thread on here that also has many heartfelt and touching posts about who people are missing.

You may or may not have seen it and you may or may not want to read it but I wanted you all to know that it is there...xxx :hug99:

Thanks Ladies

We all have our own sadnesses and memories, but they help make us the people we are don't they?
If we didn't have feelings we wouldn't be on here.
Love to everyone struggling with emotions

Thanks for the link Isis. I may visit it for comfort when I'm having a tough time. 9pm onwards seems to have been ok so far this evening :)
Thank you Isis. <<<hugs>>> :)

Here's to you Dad <raises glass> on the 15th year. :(

Look what I did!! Now I really AM your "little" girl.

Love you pop. xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Oh! And, thanks for all the feathers and sea shells this year.....;)
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