Friend's comments (long post sorry) Help needed!

Discussion in 'Lighter Life Forum' started by rubywoo, 15 August 2007 Social URL.

  1. rubywoo

    rubywoo Full Member

    Posts:
    72
    Likes Received:
    10
    Diet:
    Lighter Life
    Hi,

    Sorry in advance if this seems like a long-winded post. But I am sat here feeling a combination of anger/confusion/sadness. :(

    I spoke to a friend last night who has recently given birth. We discussed the babies and the breast-feeding and all the other stuff that new mum's want to talk about. She then asked me how I was getting on with my "diet" - I was really excited and told how I had lost almost a stone in 2 weeks and how good I felt, energetic and positive. Her reaction, well, her response was:

    "Losing weight is easy it's keeping it off thats hard"

    I agreed that it was going to be hard to maintain it,but explained the LL management programme and we moved on. She then started talking bout how much she was looking forward to going out and about now that she was no longer pregnant, how she was going to be wearing her skinny jeans and and boots even though she was now bigger than she was pre-pregnancy. I went along with her, and agreed that she should... and then she said the following:

    "I don't care if I am fat now, I won't be one of those insecure fat women hiding herself away and putting her life on hold just until I get thin - you can be fashionable and sexy at any size - you either have it or you don't"

    Its the way she said it, putting emphasis on certain words in certain places, it made me feel very uncomfortable as if she was kinda having a dig.

    Ever since I have known this friend I have been big, substantially bigger than her (a size 16/18 to her 8/10). This coupled with shyness aswell as a fear of have the mick taken out of me has kinda made me the reserved or quiet one in our friendship. She was the life and soul of the party, the one all the guys approached, the one that got all the attention. Since finding out she was pregnant she has gone from a size 8/10 to a size 20/22 (twins) and the digs started.

    At first it was about how me and her would finally be able to go clothes shopping together - even though at my largest I was 16/18 and very much NOT pregnant, then it was

    "oh would you like some of my maternity clothes I won't have much need for them after the babies are born - plus you'll never be able to tell they were maternity clothes - they are just like fat lady clothes"

    and the absolute classic,

    "I hate being this fat, I don't know how anyone would willingly let themselves get this big without doing something about it - I can't at the moment cos I am pregnant - but wait til the babies come".

    I took all of the little snidey comments because she was pregnant and I put it down to hormones.

    Now, ever since she had the babies and I've been on LL, the little comments and digs have continued. It makes me so mad, even though admittedly I am a little insecure it doesn't mean I am stupid, it doesn't mean I can't genuinely tell when someone is having a go.

    Part of me thinks maybe she is jealous but then I look at her life and all that she has, a lovely husband, beautiful new babies, a wonderful home and I can't for the life of me wonder what she would be jealous about. Part of me thinks maybe I am too sensitive - but again, this friend has been nothing but supportive to me in the past, really sensitive to the fact that I was larger than her and how it affected every part of my life, never made a snidey comment or anything of the sort.

    I'm not sure what to do, has anyone elses friend's gone weird on them? or started making snidey comments now that the weight is coming off?

    I mean, maybe I am being too sensitive and I should just let it go, over the last couple of weeks, the lack of food and time spent preparing and eating it has allowed me to think about things I would never have thought about and as such maybe I am over-thinking...:confused:

    All help/advice gratefully appreciated.

    Ruby.
     
    Mini likes this.
  2. Avatar

    MiniMins.com Matched Content

  3. Minnie64

    Minnie64 Think thin

    Posts:
    836
    Likes Received:
    29
    Start Weight:
    13st4.0lb
    Current Weight:
    11st13.0lb
    Goal Weight:
    9st9.0lb
    Lost(%):
    1st5lb(10.22%)
    Diet:
    Cambridge
    Ruby

    First of all big :hug99: for you. Now I don't know you nor your friend so all I can reply is my own personal opinion. Sounds to me like she is getting insecure. How long ago did she have her babies? Is she possibly struggling to get the post-pregnancy weight off? We often, for what reason I am not sure, hurt the people who are closest to us. If you feel it would be far to difficult speaking to her about it, why not write down, in a letter, how she made you feel and hand it to her. Maybe she is finding out losing weight is NOT easy! We all know that losing weight IS the easy part and as she quite rightly said, keeping it off is the most difficult part. Maybe she does not actually view you as "fat". I have some large friends and I never think "you are fat and could do to lose some weight".

    I really don't know what else to say Ruby but I hope you get this sorted out.

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
     
    Mini likes this.
  4. Karen

    Karen Serial Foodie!

    Posts:
    5,225
    Likes Received:
    228
    Start Weight:
    19st7lb
    Current Weight:
    18st2lb
    Goal Weight:
    9st7lb
    Lost(%):
    1st5lb(6.96%)
    Diet:
    Atkins
    hmmm.... i dunno i couldnt stick having such a shallow friend. maybe it isnt aimed at u but even so...shes rude and insensitive. i would call her on it. i would rather be fat than be devoid of a personality. you'll lose the weight AND have a personality lol.

    also, people who seem to have everything can still be insecure. she sounds jealous to me. someone who is secure in themselves doesn't need to belittle everyone else.
     
    Mini likes this.
  5. Peridot

    Peridot Peridot

    Posts:
    235
    Likes Received:
    11
    It sounds to me like this is all about her, not about you. Her self esteem is damaged by her weight gain and she's taking it out on you because you're losing which alters the equalibrium of your friendship and damages her self esteem yet further.

    Sounds like a toxic friend to me but if you really want to save the friendship it's tough love time (to be said in a phoney American accent) and tell her that you don't appreciate her bitchy comments and unless she stops you won't see her until and unless she sorts her issues out.

    She's threatened by you. Yes, her with her seemingly 'perfect' life. Take strength from that (in an odd sort of way) and don't let her sabotage what you're doing.

    I'll shut up now!
     
    Mini likes this.
  6. Conn76

    Conn76 Full Member

    Posts:
    64
    Likes Received:
    3
    Hi there,

    I know what you mean! I have a friend who always makes comments like that whenever I try to diet. Very similar, in fact, to what your friend said. It is partly a competitive thing but also the fact that she is attacking others to draw attention away from herself. It is hard but I often find it easier to take a deep breath and walk away. That kind of negativity is simply something you do not need. I am only in my first week of LL, and this is my first post on here. I started writing a blog and the kind words of support and helpful comments are exactly what you need. Step away from her for a while until she can get her head around her own weight issues. When she realises what the real problem is she'll probably come back to you to ask for help and advice on how to loose the weight.

    I've not told my friend that I am on a diet - I don't need the hassle!!

    Liz
    xx
     
    Mini likes this.
  7. rubywoo

    rubywoo Full Member

    Posts:
    72
    Likes Received:
    10
    Diet:
    Lighter Life
    Thank you for all your replies. I did wonder bout the jealousy aspect but brushed it aside. She only had the babies v. recently, so maybe it is her realising she has a lot of weight to lose. Peridot, I love your comment about "toxic" friends - not sure what it means but I think I have an idea.

    I think our friendship is kinda topsy turvy at the moment, she is a married mum of two and I am living back at home after a very short-lived painful marriage. I know that I am doing the right thing for me by being on LL, I just thought that my friend would have been more supportive because I've the all the crap I've been through these last 2 years.

    I think I will mention it to her, that her comments have been insensitive and try and find out if it's to do with her own insecurity or whether she has always felt like this. It's kinda sad, because we have been through so much together and I love her like a sister but if her behaviour continues then maybe we have just outgrown each other or maybe our friendship was based on the status quo - her thin - me fat and any variation of that is going to show the cracks.
     
    Mini likes this.
  8. rubywoo

    rubywoo Full Member

    Posts:
    72
    Likes Received:
    10
    Diet:
    Lighter Life

    Hi Liz,

    I haven't told many people either. Just a couple of close friends and obviously family because I live with them and they'd find out anyway. I am on my 3rd week and it's getting easier by the day. You must post back and let us know how your first week went.:)


    I have spent the best part of 6 months putting her comments down to pregnancy and hormones - brushing it aside and letting it go by walking away but this friend of mine has always been the "pretty" one in the friendship - that's how people would often differentiate between us (especially men) so, I am not sure if her gaining a lot of pregnancy weight has contributed to her not feeling good about herself and therefore being horrid to me.
     
  9. SafcGirl31

    SafcGirl31 Full Member

    Posts:
    184
    Likes Received:
    24
    No don't think you're being oversensitive at all but it sounds more to do with your friends state of mind than yours. If shes never commented on weight before she was pregnant and she was previously slim it sounds like her trying to make herself feel better by making you feel bad! Maybe she doesn't even know shes doing it. For a previously thin person to gain so much weight would unnerve anyone! Plus depending on how long it is since her pregnancy maybe her hormones are still screwy. Plus coping with twins probably isn't a picnic. Shes in the wrong but would try to give a little bit more leeway before doing anything about it. Regardless of our circumstances we normally believe the grass is greener on the other side! So she probably is jealous of you doing so well with your weight loss when shes gone the other way and that you have freedom that she doesn't and you see her perfect life when it probably doesn't feel perfect to her! Try and let the comments go over your head for while but don't let it go on forever. I have to say though I'm not sure how I'd have let the maternity clothes comment go, I mean size 16/18 was never that bad in the first place, what a cheek!!! Good luck with your journey, you're doing so well and remember its all about you and not about other people insecurities.
     
    Mini likes this.
  10. Sambucca

    Sambucca Gold Member

    Posts:
    3,489
    Likes Received:
    310
    Start Weight:
    20st7lb
    Current Weight:
    11st7lb
    Goal Weight:
    11st0lb
    Lost(%):
    9st0lb(43.9%)
    Diet:
    Gastric BYpass
    Not sure how I would have reacted to those comments to be honest. I do think she is feeling insecure about her own weight as well as trying to cope with newborn twins.

    Next time she comes out with a snidey comment you perhaps need to find courage to tell her that her comments are hurtful and that you could really do with her support as the diet is so hard. You have already done so well, so please dont let someone elses opinion knock you off track. You are doing this for you, not her.
     
  11. Karen

    Karen Serial Foodie!

    Posts:
    5,225
    Likes Received:
    228
    Start Weight:
    19st7lb
    Current Weight:
    18st2lb
    Goal Weight:
    9st7lb
    Lost(%):
    1st5lb(6.96%)
    Diet:
    Atkins
    i agree that u should bring it up. its not nice for her to be like that with u and surely she is carrying on cos u dont say anything. not to say it is ur fault tho, obviously.

    will be interesting to see how she progresses with this comments the more u progress with the weight loss.

    if she is ur friend tho, u ought to feel comfy enuff to say something without it having a negative effect and if shes going to carry on being unfeeling to u, she isnt much of a friend to be worried about saving.
     
  12. rubywoo

    rubywoo Full Member

    Posts:
    72
    Likes Received:
    10
    Diet:
    Lighter Life
    I will definately have a chat with her. The reason I haven't previously is because I put her comments down to her hormones being all over the place. I understand that sometimes I can be a bit "soft" with her, maybe because she has been one of my closest friends and the thought of losing her friendship was something that scared me (my issues run deeper than just food I guess).

    I was due to go and see her today, but I called to say I wouldn't be able to make it. I want to be able to say how I feel without being nasty or horrible about it and then take it from there. Thank you for all the replies. I guess I may not just be losing the weight during these 100 days. I will post back and let you know what happens.

    Ruby. x
     
  13. SandraEG

    SandraEG Full Member

    Posts:
    317
    Likes Received:
    21
    Diet:
    Lighter Life
    Ruby

    I don't think your friend is being a very good friend. Sometimes we big girls (particularly if we are shy) accept these kinds of people as our friends. Your post about her comments reminds me of all those hollywood movies where the blonde cheerleader types have a fat or plain friend they make fun of.

    I sincerely hope your friendship hasn't been that bad!

    Look, I agree with the others - if this is a friendship you really value and want to keep, then you need to be honest about how you feel. On the other hand, as you develop more confidence (the counselling should help with this although I see from your blog you haven't been too impressed thus far), you might go in search of other people who are positive and support you.

    Please don't let anyone put you down.
     
  14. Lynn8124

    Lynn8124 Gold Member

    Posts:
    3,804
    Likes Received:
    63
    Start Weight:
    19st7lb
    Current Weight:
    19st7lb
    Goal Weight:
    11st0lb
    Lost(%):
    0st0lb(0%)
    Diet:
    seefood
    I agree with the others. She's been used to being the one who got all the attention etc and now you are actually slimmer than her and by the time you finish LL will probably be the size 8/10 she was. If she is a true friend she will continue to support you and not make snide comments but if she doesn't then she is acting like a jealous child. My ex best mate is now around the same weight as me from about 7.5st.

    With friends like these, eh? :rolleyes:
     
  15. Just Do It

    Just Do It Full Member

    Posts:
    309
    Likes Received:
    36
    Current Weight:
    13st3.0lb
    Hi Ruby,

    I think she is feeling threatened by your weight loss and very unsure about her own ability to get the weight off herself.

    Feelings between friends are very complicated and if she has been the dominant one in the relationship it sounds like she is trying to hold on to that by belittling you.

    While comments can hurt very much and I used to brood on things like that for days you need to stop thinking about her.

    Whether you talk to her or not is up to you but I would just like to tell you what the diet will do for YOU.

    In a few short weeks of sticking to it you will fell an amazing and previously unknown surge of confidence. You will start to fell attractive. You will get into smaller clothes and will look fantastic. You will become a different person altogether.

    This has happened to me. I feel so full of life compared to the shy, frightened, insecure, weak person that I was, I allowed myself to be dominated by everyone. Not anymore.

    I feel great and it is totally down to the weight loss. Focus on yourself and your goal. See yourself at your target weight and you will get there. Come here for support.

    Your life will change so much you will not care about snidey comments. Who knows, she may join you on LL herself!

    All the best.
    Claire
     
  16. nixx

    nixx Full Member

    Posts:
    222
    Likes Received:
    16
    Diet:
    Lipotrim
    Bottom line is she's worried that YOU are going to be the size 8/10 one and SHE is going to be the 16/18 one, and can't cope with it. I agree that she's a toxic friend (I like that, good description), but that if you calue her friendship you need to have a word. A strrong one.

    THat about the cheerleader types and plain friends rings true, too.
     
Popular Forums
  1. MiniMins.com is a weight loss support community helping each other on their weight loss journey. We have a multitude of forums, from Slimming World and Exante, to Success Stories. Click the logo at the top right to return to the forum home page at any time.
Loading...