Hell hath no fury like......

Discussion in 'Cambridge Weight Plan' started by chrysallis, 12 November 2006 Social URL.

  1. chrysallis

    chrysallis Member

    Hi to anyone who reads my diary,:)

    I’m on the 3rd day of the Cambridge diet. I have 3 stone to lose, well probably a bit more but I want to lose 3 and see how I look and feel then. I’m 13.10 stones, well I was on Friday when I started and to get to 10.10 would be great. I didn’t even know about Cambridge until I did a ‘fast weight loss’ search in Google. Up until now I’ve half heartedly tried to lose weight by lowering fat intake and basically following a weight watchers type diet, but I have absolutely no will power, or I should say HAD none because I never usually get to day 3 of a diet and here I am! I did find yesterday really hard and had a Cambridge bar which my counsellor had said not to have until after 2 weeks. But as chocolate is my weakness (and crisps, chips, cakes, you get it!) she gave me some in case I felt I was going to give in to other temptation. I’m glad she did! I going to try to have half a bar a day IF I really need it. I’m lucky that because I’m tall I can have 4 ‘meals’ a day. Today I don’t feel like I will need one but it’s still early so lets see.
    My reason for doing this diet is that obviously I want to lose the extra weight I’ve been carrying around for years, but I’ve wanted to do that for years and I’ve never seriously done anything about it, so why now? Well I live with my teenage daughter and my boyfriend of nearly 18 months. We moved in together almost six months ago and ten weeks ago he was transferred with work to London until April. As we don’t live within commuting distance he comes home Friday night to Sunday night.
    Now, all the time he’s been away I’ve been worried that he would meet someone else, but he’s come home each weekend and is all loving as usual and he rings every day and night. As he’s put up in a small hotel, when he comes home on a Friday he brings a carrier bag with his dirty washing in and I, loving, caring girlfriend that I am (mug!) wash and iron it over the weekend. Anyway, the weekend before last I tipped the washing out of the bag and I got this really strong whiff of perfume, NOT mine :eek:. I panicked a bit because it was what I’d been dreading and just shoved it in the machine. And no I didn’t mention it to him! Didn’t really want to start THAT conversation:confused: . Well I cried and fretted all week and had convinced myself that it was my fault, I was too fat. So that made me start looking around for diets, fast ones, and that’s how I found the Cambridge diet.
    Let me tell you once I’d made a decision to do the diet I started feeling more positive. I started thinking well I’ll lose the weight, he’ll be back here full time come April and all will be well with the world:eek: . So that was how I was thinking until half way through Friday when I had actually started the diet, then whether it was the lack of calories or just my brain finally putting two and two together, I suddenly out of the blue thought ‘’what the hell am I doing?’’ I was this size when we got together and while I have ‘dieted’ throughout our time together I’ve never lost more than two or three pounds, if that. AND he’s never said anything derogatory about my weight. AND I don’t know what size this other woman is she could be bigger than me. I don’t know why I didn’t give up then, on the diet, on my self esteem, on my self confidence, but instead I had a complete change in my thought processes.
    My size is not why he’s cheating. The reason he’s cheating is within him. Now I am feeling strong and motivated to lose weight for ME and an awful LOT of weight, 17 stones in total, only 3 of which belong to me ;) . I have a plan :cool: .
    I’ll tell more soon.


    Now I know why people keep diary's, writing this down feels really therapeutic!
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  3. kazz

    kazz Gold Member

    Hiya, after reading all that....I just dont know wat to say!!

    The key to this is doing it for YOU, which you are....Congrats on getting past day 3...keep up the good work....get rid of the loser!!!
  4. mrs tweedy

    mrs tweedy Regular Member

    Hi hun well done for sticking with it the first week is the hardest and it is good that you have realised that you are doing this for YOU and nobody else.

    Hmmm are you sure he has been playing away? I mean a strong smell of perfume isn't really proof he could have been standing too close to someone on an elevator (or am I clutching at straws? lol) Unless the perfume was on his underpants then maybe give him the benefit of the doubt this time lol

    Hope it all works out well for you and Good luck for your 1st weekly weigh in xx
  5. DQ

    DQ Queen of the Damned

    Pretty much what I was thinking. I've sat on a train next to someone wearing lots of aftershave and come away smelling like I crawled all over them!! :eek:

    Good on you for starting the plan, but please don't assume your dude is playing away - ASK HIM!!
  6. Isobel1965

    Isobel1965 Gold Member

    Oh honey - what a horrible situation for you to find yourself in.

    It's true what DQ and Mrs Tweedy say - he might not be cheating if the only evidence is a perfumey smell. What does your gut instinct tell you?

    Some men cheat and go all distant and funny with you. Some men cheat and go all affectionate and close to you, as if to make it up to you for cheating!

    When you look him in the eyes, can you see what he's thinking or does he have defensive barriers up?

    The thing is, you can ask him outright til you're blue in the face and if he's a good liar, he'll have some convincing explanation which you may or not buy.

    I can't imagine not asking him though - that would be like there's an elephant in the room that nobody mentions - but I totally appreciate your unwillingness to confront it. But, you're not going to be able to move on until you know one way or another and seeing as how this is your life (and the only one we get - as far as we know), you deserve to be happy for every single minute of it!

    Amazing when we get these realisations when SSing, isn't it?

    I wish you the very best of luck, darling - I hope it works out for you, I really do.
  7. Isis

    Isis Ancient Egypt Nut!

    Current Weight:
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    Me and you have a lot in common. It brought tears to my eyes reading your post as I can relate to a lot of it.

    I was so glad to read what you said towards the end of your post and how your self esteem jumped off the page.:)

    lots of love,

  8. chrysallis

    chrysallis Member


    Thanks for your messages Kazz, Isis, Isobel, Mrs Tweedy and DQ. I know what you mean about the smell of perfume being easily transferred. I think that’s one of the reasons why I didn’t bring the subject up. I did want to give him the benefit of the doubt. BUT last weekend I actually thoroughly checked the shirts before washing them and as well as again smelling of perfume one of them had foundation marks on the chest. I can’t believe that’s from just sitting close to someone, that’s what happens when you’re cuddled in with someone. I’ve tried (I’ve really tried!) to believe that someone gave him a friendly hug, but he wears a suit to work and he doesn’t take the jacket off. He’s always said to me when I was ironing his shirts to just iron the front, the collar and the cuffs because no-one would see the rest (I didn’t, I did the lot!) And he’s moaned to me that all he does is go to work then back to the hotel, so I can’t even believe that he got innocently hugged by someone in a bar when he wasn’t wearing his jacket, because apparently he hasn’t been to any.
    Isobel I liked your analogy, it is like having an elephant in the room and I’ve done the looking in his eyes and trying to read his thoughts, but either he’s not thinking anything or my powers of telepathy are zero (until I know better for now I’ll just think he’s mindless!) He is behaving the same, except, and maybe this is just me being extra sensitive, but a few weeks ago when he arrived home I met him at the door and he kissed me for ages, just one long solid kissathon on the doorstep and that’s not something he’s ever done before, or since. At the time I thought awww he’s missed me, but for me to even remember it now makes me think that kiss was a guilt kiss.

    Well diet wise this weekend was easier that I could have imagined. On Sunday for the first time I can ever remember I went from 8am when I had a shake to 3pm when I had another and I didn’t feel hungry in between. I couldn’t believe it. Usually I feel hungry, well peckish, almost all the time. I wish I’d found this diet ages ago. I tried Slimfast in the past but I didn’t feel hungerless (is that a word?) like this.
    I got lots of strawberry shakes which I don’t like by itself so what I’ve been doing is mixing half a strawberry with half a chocolate and it tastes a bit like those strawberry crème chocolates, yummy! Also I am adding loads more water to the shakes than it says. I found them a bit hard to take with just the recommended 8fl oz so I water it down until I like it and now I have a shake mixed with over a pint of water. It helps my water intake but I hope it doesn’t weaken the nutrition I’m getting. I’ll have to check with my counsellor at my weigh in.
    The good news is I haven’t needed a bar and that’s helped me twofold. 1) It means I might lose a bit more weight this week than if I’d had a bar everyday and 2) I feel like I’m in control of what I eat. I can’t really explain that, but usually if chocolate is around I HAVE to eat it, it kind of controls me, but now I feel like I’m controlling whether I have one or not. Hope that makes sense.

    The hardest bit of the weekend was having ‘him’ home. He’s so much his normal self, attentive and loving. I couldn’t help thinking “I must be wrong” and I was feeling guilty, ME, because I felt like I was lying to him by not bringing up the subject of him being an unfaithful git. When I did his washing I checked each of the shirts (I know!) and for the third week running they smell of perfume, not all of them only three. ONLY three what did I write that for, only! That’s three separate occasions this week that he has been so close to a woman that her perfume has rubbed off onto his shirt and he’s only, yes ONLY, away from me for four days or five nights whichever way you want to look at it. I don’t think it’s good whichever way you choose to look at it.
    I’m sure you’re thinking why haven’t you brought the subject up? You know what, I don’t know for sure. It’s like Isobel said, it feels like there’s an elephant in the room. Actually sometimes it feels like there’s a nuclear device in the room just waiting to go *boom*. I want to be wrong but I don’t want to ask and be lied to, because without definitive proof how do you deal with lies? I think the perfume and foundation is proof enough but…I don’t KNOW.
    On the positive side I used to be really scared of this happening, but now it has, instead of the terror that imagining it brought I actually feel quite strong, knowledge is power or something.
    I can’t see this relationship going anywhere now, well, to the relationship graveyard, but I don’t know via which route yet. I flitter from fantasises of having a blazing row where I cut up his clothes and throw them and him out on the Street or taking all his stuff to London and dumping it at his feet in front of his colleagues or maybe her,to just saying "what's going on?" I have to say the first one is a serious possibility, this is my house. When we moved in together he moved in to mine and rented out his flat. At the time that seemed a sensible precaution but now I think ummm keeping his options open? I mean we had been together for a year and saw each other every day, why not just sell up? After all it was him that wanted us to live together, but being a mother I wanted him to prove himself to me before he became that involved in my daughter’s life, so I made him wait. I’m annoyed that my cautiousness didn’t work.
    What I do know is that I can’t envisage starting a New Year in this situation with him or even spending Christmas with him and hopefully I won’t be.
    My sister lives in New Zealand and after many angst filled middle of the night calls (damn time difference), she has talked me into going there for Christmas and New Year (didn’t take much persuading!). It’s another reason to lose the weight as it’ll be summer there and they live right on the beach.
    I WILL have sorted this relationship out by then. Just don’t know exactly how yet, but I know I don’t want to look back in a few years and think “that barsteward took me for an idiot and I never got even”.
    The thing I’m really worried about is…does that make me as bad as him? Or worse even? Is it bad to want some kind of revenge? I know there’s some sort of process that people go through when a relationship hits the skids. I seem to be fluctuating between the anger stage and resignation. But this is not an anger that I recognise. Instead of having a huge row and bringing everything into the open like I normally would, I’m being calm, but still angry. All this keeps going through my head. I’m not a malicious person and I don’t want to turn into one, but I know people who’ve been cheated on that feel no closure years down the line and I don’t want that. I want closure, but I don’t know HOW I want it yet.
    Anyway I’ve even bored myself with this now, so if anyone reads this my apologies but I am finding putting my thoughts down like this helps sort the wood from the trees.
    Off to check the airlines for tickets to NZ! Yeah! (Would it be really terrible to use his credit card???)

    FatFairNForty(ish) likes this.
  9. FatFairNForty(ish)

    FatFairNForty(ish) Gold Member

    Goal Weight:
    Cambridge - Sole Source
    Dear Chrysallis

    Sweetie, I can totally and utterly empathise - more than you could know.

    If you have the strength - confront him with the shirts ... but you know, the problem is, if you do that you then have to deal with the consequences.. and whilst having suspicions (and with the evidence you have it is clear they are well-founded!) is tough, you need to be strong enough to cope with the reality.

    It is so hard.

    From my experience I would say confront now, get it done and dusted. Otherwise it could really crush you.

    I have the utmost admiration for you and what you are doing.

    And no... it wouldn't be terrible to use his credit card! (Don't destroy his clothes though... if you aren't going to confront him then leave little love notes in his trouser pockets... tie them on the buttons of his shirts... put them in his pants!!

    Spray his shirts with YOUR perfume so this other woman knows YOU exist!

    If nothing else it might make him think hard about what he is doing and how much he will lose if you decide to end your relationship with him.

    If you DO decide to confront him, be ready to let him go love, it's so crap! I hope you don't mind my giving my thoughts but I've been where you are and am sitting with tears in my eyes at the thought of what you face.

    Take care of yourself first and foremost. Don't be a doormat and don't give him the power to hurt you. NZ sound fab, just book it. You deserve it!

    As for closure... it takes time and each person does it in their own way. I packed all my ex's stuff up, didn't damage any of it (well, apart from a couple of things), and simply boxed it all up, labelled it, and handed it over. Not closure, but less reminders.

    Take care of yourself. ((((hugs))))
  10. mrs tweedy

    mrs tweedy Regular Member

    Oh bless you hunny,

    It does now seem that you have been right all along, why are some men so bloody sly! And what a cheek to bring his clothes home for YOU to clean when he knows what he has (probably) been up to in them!
    GRRRR You'd think he'd have the brain power to get rid of the evidence first eh?! Maybe his stupidity is a good thing though, or else you'd be living in blissful ignorance as to his activities!!!!
    I really don't know what to suggest, but just wanted to let you know that I am sending you lots of hugs and cyber support, and I really hope that you get through all this to YOUR satisfaction. If that means patching things up or chucking him out, I hope you are happy with the outcome xx

    Well done with the diet btw, and with all this going on too!! You are obviously a stronger person than you realise, keep your chin up hunny and I hope you have a lovely time in NZ with your sis xxx
  11. Biggirlsam

    Biggirlsam Banned

    Firstly congratulations on sorting you out!!!!! You are dealing with your weight and that in itself is the important thing:). I know this is going to sound odd but reading your post could be re writing a conversationg I had with my friend a few months ago:(. She was in the same situation as you but she blamed herself:(, We came to a decision it was tearing her apart so she agreed to get a private detective to follow him in the evenings for a week- not a hunny trap!!!!. Well the first 4 days nothing back to work home etc then the 5.6.and 7th days he was with not 1 but 2 different women:(. I know its expensive but it saved all the hassel is he isn't he and she knew with photos proof... When he came home she made a meal and got the photo album out and there were the ones from the last week, no arguments just ok i've been caught out, he left and yes she was gutted but she saved herself weeks and weeks of torment. I honestly couldn't be a calm as you I would have gone for his throat!!! But I just wanted to give you another opion and give you the my thoughts as how to deal with this. Above all you have a wonderful holiday and whatever you choose to do- stay true to yourself..
  12. chrysallis

    chrysallis Member

    Hi to anyone who reads my diary and thanks for the messages FatfairNForty(ish), Mrs Tweedy and Biggirlsam.

    I’m still on the diet! This is a huge thing for me. I can’t tell you how many diets I’ve started only for a day or two later to be off it. I am on day 5, DAY 5! I can’t believe it! Got a bit of a headache today but I think that’s because I’m not sleeping well or stupidity induced stress after some lunacy in Boots, probably not the diet. And I’ve managed another day without the bars. I like knowing they’re there though, which is really weird because I don’t normally like chocolate in the house when I’m dieting. I actually already feel thinner, especially around my back weirdly, so I’m really looking forward to being weighed to see how much I’ve lost.

    Well today I did something really weird. Last weekend instead of washing all of his shirts I hid one of the perfumed ones, unwashed, and today I took it with me to Boots. What I was going to do was try to find out which perfume it was (I don’t know why!) I’m actually blushing as I write this because it was just so stupid. What the heck difference does it make what perfume she wears?! But for some weird reason I wanted to know. So, just before I go into Boots I have a good sniff of the shirt trying to keep it in the carrier bag (what must I have looked like? Some solvent sniffer?) and then I sniffed a few perfumes to try and find it. After a few tries I hadn’t found it and a sales assistant came up and asked if she could help me. Had she been the usual young thin gorgeous type I would have just said no thank you, but she was older than me and about my body shape so I felt a bit more comfortable. Comfortable? Or nuts? Because I actually got the shirt out and said “I’m trying to find out what this perfume is”. Well she looked a bit surprised and said riiight? So I continued “because it’s not mine….... and this is my boyfriends shirt”. I was just beginning to think ahhhh! WHAT are you doing? Run! when she said, “I understand, well let’s have a smell then.” So she did and she said “Oh, I think I know this, hang on a minute” and took off to another counter with the shirt. I followed her and to my horror she got another assistant to smell it. She then tried some perfumes and after what seemed an eternity said she thought that was it. By then my mind had mercifully shut down and I wouldn’t have recognised the smell of kippers never mind the smell of THAT perfume. Anyway she sprayed some on a piece of card and gave it to me then the older assistant took me over to her counter and gave me loads of little trial size skin care goodies to “give yourself a pampering.” She was so lovely. I still felt like a total twit but if she hadn’t been such a lovely person I would have felt so much worse.
    Later at home I got out the piece of card and compared it to the shirt and it certainly does smell the same. But I still don’t know what it is because it isn’t written on the card and when the two of them were telling me which it was my mind had disassociated itself from my body and I didn’t take it in. But guess what? Now I really truly don’t care what it is. It’s not mine and that’s all that matters. Well it kind of matters that I won’t be able to go into Boots again until I’m slimmer and hopefully not easily recognisable as the nutter who was there today, but I can live with that.
    I’m sure I’ll laugh about this one day. To myself! While I can write about it on here it’s not something I want my off-line friends ribbing me about for years.

  13. Gen

    Gen Normal

    Oh honey.. big hugs to you.. i have been keeping up with your thread and my heart goes out to you.

    i do have to admit to laughing at your earlier 'madness' kinda of laughing behind my hand and knowing that yes i could easily have done that myself.. cos us women are nuts ha ha

    i really hope you are ok and don't mind the people in boots i'm sure they could care less!!!

    hugs to ya honey and i hope that gave you some type of closure!


    Gen xx
  14. Isobel1965

    Isobel1965 Gold Member

    Bless ya, honey - I think that was a very female thing to do - wanting to find out more clues/details/evidence. I'm so glad the shop assistants were so lovely with you.

  15. FatFairNForty(ish)

    FatFairNForty(ish) Gold Member

    Goal Weight:
    Cambridge - Sole Source
    You know what sweetheart , that was a very brave thing to do, and I agree with Isobel, totally female.

    No-one will rib you about it., and for what it's worth - I think keeping back one of the shirts (and put it in a plastic bag to hold the scent) might be a good thing to do for when / if you confront him.

    Sending you hugs and positive vibes. Well done on getting to day 5! You're amazing!
  16. chrysallis

    chrysallis Member

    Hi to anyone who reads my diary,
    thanks for your messages Gen, Isobel and FatfairNforty(ish). I really appreciate them.

    Well he knows I know now. I hadn’t planned to confront him with my suspicions but last night I did. My advice is; don’t answer the phone to a partner you think might be cheating just after you’ve had a very stressful ‘debate’ with your pre-menstrual teenage daughter.
    Last night when he rang me I knew it was him as he always rings around the same time (why is that?) and I really shouldn’t have picked up the phone in the mood I was in. But I did. This is the conversation as best I can remember it… Him “Hi love are you okay?” Me “Fine.” Him “What’ve you been doing today?” Me “Well I’ve spent most of it thinking.” Him “It’s okay for some, what about? Me “Mostly about why you’re cheating on me.”
    Silence! Total silence! I mean I know what ‘deafening silence’ means now. It lasted for a few seconds probably only around five and then I hung up. Five seconds is a LONG time with no response in any phone call, but it was way too long in that one. There was been no call back with a “What are you talking about” or “I think we got cut off”. You know afterwards a part of me did start thinking ‘did his battery die just as I confronted him?’ But then the rest of me shook that stupid idea out of my head. Grasping at straws I think that’s called.
    So I reckon that’s definitive proof. I mean if you’re innocent you call back or you say WHAT? Something! I think he knows there’s no getting around me on this because when we first got together we talked a lot about what we wanted and expected from each other and I told him I’d never forgive him for being unfaithful, if he was, that would be it, over. I guess he remembers that. Shame he didn’t remember promising he WOULD be faithful.
    I’ve spent the last few hours packing his stuff. Luckily it’s mostly clothes, cds, toiletries and smallish stuff because his furniture is still in his flat. The reason I’m glad there’s not loads of it is because I’m taking it to London tomorrow on the train. I haven’t decided if I’m going to hand it over to him personally or put it in a cab and send it to him. I won’t decide until tomorrow. The clothes ARE all still in one piece, I wanted to but I just couldn’t do it! BUT I am travelling on the train first class return booked on his credit card!
    Closure is a-coming!

    More importantly the weight is going. I’m still on sole source. I’m so looking forward to being slim I can’t say, it’s like the gold at the end of the rainbow and I keep thinking that if the only good thing that comes out of my relationship with him is that I get slim then that’s something. Yesterday I could easily have gone without my last shake. I just didn’t feel like I needed it, but I forced it down at nearly midnight then spent most of the night making trips to the loo, so I won’t be doing that again!
    Also it was disgusting. I fancied the taste of orange cheesecake but I was cold so I made a hot vanilla with orange water flavour in it. The first taste was gorgeous but it steadily became absolutely yuck! I might still try a cold one but not for a while. I like the sound of the mooses, mousses (sp?) but can’t have the mix a mousse as it's gelatine and I’m vegetarian. If anyone reading this knows of a vegetarian alternative could you please let me know?
    Only one more day and I get weighed! I feel like I’ve transferred all my energy and desire away from him and towards losing weight and bettering myself physically. I am a bit worried that when I hit my goal and have nothing to aim towards and concentrate on, or if I fall off the diet then all the feelings I’m not entertaining at the moment will smother me, but I suppose knowing they might means I can prepare myself. Also I’ve finally sorted out the tickets to NZ and it’s MY credit card that’s taken a hammering. Like the clothes I just couldn’t do it. BUT I have bought a slendertone flex and one for the legs using his. I can justify this (though probably not in court!) because I'm supposed to use the card for the tesco shopping online and I must have saved loads this week by not eating and also because............. yeah, just because.

  17. mrs tweedy

    mrs tweedy Regular Member

    Blimey hun you don't hang around do you! :eek: When I read what you said to him I was like GOOD FOR YOU! You are a star, and he has lost so much more than you have because of his actions!

    I bet he had a sleepless night worrying about how he is ever going to face you again! haha

    WOW I am a bit gobsmacked really but so impressed! Well done hun, and mega hugs! I don't really go in for all the revenge stuff like cutting up clothes etc because I think that would leave him feeling somehow justified whereas now you can walk away with your head held high and he will feel like a worm for how he treated you!

    I think you have dealt with this in a very classy way and I am so proud of you!

    I hope you have a wonderful time in NZ you deserve it!
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  19. flirty40greeneyes

    flirty40greeneyes Busy busy busy!!

    Start Weight:
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    Don't know what else to say ...... think you are better off without him - but you must be hurting so badly at the moment.
  20. DQ

    DQ Queen of the Damned

    That shows some major class honey. Well done and sending you positive vibes. xx
  21. Gen

    Gen Normal

    hugssssssss to ya honey...

    you are an AMAZING woman and have dealt with this situation absolutely brilliantly. you are so much better off without him, i'd say he is absolutely freaked out now and good enough for him.

    well done on sticking to ss that is just fab and i hope ur weigh in reflects that BIG TIME!!!

    have you been in NZ before??? where abouts you going at xmas??? i was there in january/february of this year and it is just the most amazing and beautiful place ever!!! you will have a ball

    love to ya hun and i'm just gobsmacked at how strong you are

    Gen xx
  22. Brad0053

    Brad0053 Silver Member

    At least you now have more than reasonable 'proof' babe. It is better than not knowing praying on your mind and eating away at your self confidence.

    I think your approach is right, move him out, keeping your dignity and move on in your life.

    Best Wishes to you chrysallis.
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