How do you learn to like yourself ? ~ making small changes

Discussion in 'Bring your Head Inside and your Body will Follow' started by pandora, 29 September 2007 Social URL.

  1. pandora

    pandora finding my way again !

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    does anyone have any helpful tips or hints as to how you even start to like or respect yourself ??
    i was having a conversation last night with a friend, she was asking how things were with hubby & myself, its no secret we have no physical life, we didn't "do it" for 5 yrs until a one off about 3 months ago. She asked did i feel different now id lost weight, did i feel more sexy.
    Well, no i didn't & still don't. I have NEVER felt sexy in my life, i don't see myself as attractive & when it comes to doing things for myself , it just doesn't occur to me till alot later.
    For instance, after a bath or shower even though i have lovely moisturiser & body lotions its just doesn't enter my head to put them on till after i am dressed & its too late. I don't think about putting on make-up on a daily basis, even tho when i do i do feel better about myself.
    Why do some people do these things automatially & others don't. After my shower this am i MADE myself put body lotion on.
    I have allways looked after my hair & face, so why can't i do the other things without thinking about it ?
    xx
     
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  3. westiegirl

    westiegirl Gold Member

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    Um, very difficult question darling.

    You know how much alike we are and how we both lack confidence in ourselves.

    I have never ever considered myself attractive before, but recently I have begun to see past that and I am actually beginning to accept that I am ok. Even with putting weight back on I feel better about myself. I really can't give any hints or tips because I'm not really sure what happened. It actually all started to happen after your birthday though! The only thing at the time was that I was reading a book called Body Confidence by Astrid Longhurst. It did open my eyes and made me realise that I was being so harsh on myself and being body confident/sexy is not just about the physical body but what goes on inside your head.

    When I split with David I wouldn't let anyone get near me because I believed I was too fat/ugly/didn't deserve it etc. When I lost weight on LL I still didn't let people close to me because even though I had a smaller body I didn't like it. Since moving back here to Wales I have loosened up quite a lot (especially in the last few months) and must admit that I've had more sex in that time than I've ever had!!! ;)

    Every guy I've met recently tells me how sexy I am and I was incredulous and didn't believe them. However I now do believe them (in fact I'm actually peeved because I want them to want them to want me for more than that. Does that make sense??? Or am I just a freak!!!)

    I'm rambling now and not helping much but it does come down to believing in yourself my darling and if you can't get a copy of the book then you can borrow mine when you come to visit :D
     
  4. Debbiemac

    Debbiemac Cambridge Consultant

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    Oh Cheryl. If there was an easy answer honey, I'd happily share it. I know exactly where you are coming from. I always used to think that if only I could lose the weight, then everything would just fall into place. Its a real shock to the system to realise that life isnt that simple :(

    I think that having the gorgeous lotions and potions is a step in the right direction - we just have to lose the guilt we have when we want to spend time on ourselves. Someone once asked me, I look after and worry about the kids, husband, the house, mum, dad, etc etc etc, but who looks after me?? It made me think. I've only recently started to 'make some time' for me.....(minimins meets help as you know :rolleyes:)

    all we can do is start small. Pick one thing that you'd like to do for yourself, and make time every week, or every day or whatever and DO IT. If we don't look after ourselves, we are no good to those that rely on us to hold it together for them.

    so, have your bath, light the candles, lather up and use that body lotion. :D


    And if you do find the elusive answer.... pass it on!
     
  5. bondgirl

    bondgirl Member

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    Ello Cheryl love:D hope all is well;)

    What an interesting post:)

    I personally think when people have weight issues it can effect their self esteem:)eek:not in all cases) leading us to take less pride in ourselves....yeah sure we do the important stuff that others can see...hair, face etc but the bits we hate(for me thats all my body)we avert our eyes.

    Even at my biggest around 21 stone I was confident as hell in the bedroom, infact I was a very confident lass......I think thats because I've always admired and respected myself.....I've just always hated my body image:cry:

    I think its very important to learn to love yourself, and most definately respect yourself.....once you do this your self esteem will increase and another thing I'd suggest you do is to stop looking and pointing out the negatives you feel about yourself and make a determined effort to notice all the positive things about yourself.....I know there are plenty cos I've met you.....the friendliest, most genuine down to earth lass you could meet who wrongfully puts herself down all the time.
     
  6. KD

    KD Gone fishing

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    I'll try to keep the typical Karion heavy stuff out of this:eek:

    I do think you are way too hard on yourself though Cheryl.

    I agree totally with Sarah, first it comes from within. In my case, it's not whether I like myself, but more to do with whether I can accept myself with warts and all.

    When I think of my two best friends (DH and the 'girlfriend') I see two people that are extremely kind. They listen to me, they couldn't care less whether I wore makeup or not, they are always there for me when I need them.

    I don't think wow! How gorgeous are they to look at, but I do think they are gorgeous nevertheless;) In fact, I think I feel a little more insecure if they suddenly turned into very attractive people who cared a great deal about their own appearance (possibly)

    If I dress up to go out and put the makeup on, for me, it isn't so I feel good about myself, it's just to show the other person that I consider my time out with them as important, so I do the traditional dress up thing.

    It means little to me personally. I am who I am regardless of the makeup. I'm okay. Pretty harmless, not likely to keep a machete in my glove compartment;) That'll do :)
     
  7. pandora

    pandora finding my way again !

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    thanks for your replies.
    its not JUST about how i look, its about how i feel about me too.
    Untill i know people i am a nervous person, i find it hard to open up & let people in (those who have met me on a meet may not have seen that, but we already have something in common that i know about)
    I think that people will find me boring, i don't know a lot about things, i'm not clever or educated, i lead a boring hum drum life. (i'm crying as i type this) & often feel my life is quite pointless, really its only the girls that would lose out on a mum if i wasn't here.
    I want to get out & enjoy life, but have no-one to do it with. I work Tues Weds & thurs night so going to clubs or learning something new is out of the question. The weekend is about running around after the girls. My hubby is either at work or asleep on the sofa.
    xx
     
  8. Debbiemac

    Debbiemac Cambridge Consultant

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    Now look - you see that picture by your posts..... look at the woman grinning back at you. She looks confident, interesting and someone who likes to have fun. Keep projecting that image to the world, and eventually your head gets the idea and starts to believe it too.

    I agree (again) with you, its not just our looks - though I have to say being told we look good always helps. how often do we deny those that try to compliment us. And why? Because we don't think we deserve it.

    Have you tried listing the positive things in your life - what you enjoy doing, what you've achieved so far (no negative brush offs allowed!) Think about what makes you proud. Those girls of yours - I bet they do. You did that!

    At the end of the day, only we can change the way we feel. And it won't happen overnight. So some days, if you get up and do something for yourself - great. Enjoy it and 'own' the buzz! If not, don't beat yourself up - eventually we'll accept what everyone else sees....

    Sorry if I am 'preaching' but I recognise a lot of my own feelings in what you are saying. Making me face up to my own advice too.... babysteps eh.

    Take care cheryl and I hope to see you at another meet soon :)
     
  9. IreneH

    IreneH Gold Member

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    I can totally relate to what you are saying Cheryl. i have never had any confidence in myself and don't think I ever will. I am very nervous about going anywhere new, doing anything new and meeting anyone new. I know I have not lost much weight yet but i am now conversing with people i have met through the site and enjoying it. I still have to push myself to do anything but i push. Is there any way you could do a course. I hav started an internet genealogy course this week and couldn't believe it when 2 of the class came up to me and said hello.

    Much love to you
    Irene xx
     
  10. pandora

    pandora finding my way again !

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    taking small steps.
    ok so its not ALL going to happen over night.
    After my initial post on Saturday i had a chat with a good friend & then went to treat myself a bit.
    I had some points on my Boots card so i went & bought myself some new make up, i am going to make an effort to put a bit on each day, try to feel a bit better.
    I know its a bit "catch 22" but if i feel a bit better, maybe i'll do better at the diet bit.
    I'm not going anywhere today, but i have a little eye make up on & am making the effort to look in the mirroe & TRY to appreciate what i see.
    I am thinking of 3 things i like about myself, i'll let you know when i know what they are.
    xx
     
  11. pandora

    pandora finding my way again !

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    1. I have good skin
     
  12. Russiandoll

    Russiandoll Carpe diem

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    ... and a killer smile :)
     
  13. Tazzi

    Tazzi is Special :P

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    I am trying to do one thing different each week. If i prove to myself that i can do something and hopefuly improve my confidence and like myself again. I decided to go on my first ever date......completely terrifying but i survived and on Saturday i sang in Public ( i used to sing on a scholarship but had a breakdown and couldnt perfom again so i dropped out in my final year)
    So two things off my list. I am hoping to start feeling good enough to start doing things i have been avioding my whole life.
    Taz x
     
  14. pandora

    pandora finding my way again !

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    well done Taz, its hard making these changes isn't it, but only we can do it.
    Do you think you will continue to sing ? if you have a talent it would be a shame not to use it.
    xx
     
  15. Tazzi

    Tazzi is Special :P

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    Hmmm im not sure. it was a step in the right direction. I am in the office till December and usually i work shifts so i can set a time each week. But there is a good choir in my area on Monday nights so i am considering.............
    Taz x
     
  16. pandora

    pandora finding my way again !

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    i think you should hun, i've read you post other places about your lack of social life, this would be a possitive step in the right direction, you may even make some good friends.
    xx
     
  17. westiegirl

    westiegirl Gold Member

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    Go for it Taz, it will be so empowering!!

    Can I get your autograph before you're famous??
     
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  19. Tazzi

    Tazzi is Special :P

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    Yeah thats my plan! Positive attitude right??? My CDC used to work at the playhouse in town and shes given me the number so i am trying to organise to help out back stage or something to meet people. :)
    Taz x
     
  20. fiona78

    fiona78 Gold Member

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    It's definitely worth doing something like that.
    I used to be a bit of a hermit and then got involved with a couple of theatre groups in my area to play in the band for their shows and it's great fun! So many different people and all different ages.
    Haven't quite got the confidence to start singing again but then I was never a solo singer!
     
  21. pandora

    pandora finding my way again !

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    I am thinking of 3 things i like about myself, i'll let you know when i know what they are.
    xx
    1 ~ i have good skin
    2 ~ i have lovely hair.
    3 ~ i have big boobs
    xx
     
  22. Eclipse

    Eclipse Gold Member

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    Well, there u go then hun!

    I have old wrinkly skin (everywhere, and I mean EVERYWHERE!)
    My hair is thin and crappy looking
    My boobs (which once were big, well HUGE) are now hanging somewhere down by my belly button

    Not a fantastic sight, but I cover it as best as I can, and I can scrub up well when required (baby sick notwithstanding!)
     
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