Letter Of Complaint!

Discussion in 'Creative Writing' started by Mini, 30 June 2009 Social URL.

  1. Mini

    Mini Administrator Staff Member

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    LETTER OF COMPLAINT


    This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company
    Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets
    rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors'
    &nbs p;choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

    Dear Mr. Thatcher,

    I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years
    and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard
    Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding
    or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down
    the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be
    your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart
    enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I
    can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a
    little F-16 in my pants.

    Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
    the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is
    starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
    violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my
    body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to
    call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body
    amazing?

    As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt
    seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your
    customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know
    about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our
    intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You
    < FONT face="Courier New" size=2> surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last
    week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her
    boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told
    [FONT=Courier
    New]her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy![/FONT]

    The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
    crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to
    the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping
    so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I
    opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing,
    were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

    Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
    middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
    happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything
    mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
    FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never
    be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up
    on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't
    march down to the local Walgreen's a rmed with a hunting rifle and a
    sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

    For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap
    a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
    something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
    'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

    Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
    immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
    chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
    certainly m iss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
    brand of condescending bull sh*t. And that's a promise I will keep.
    Always.

    Best,
    Wendi Aarons
    Austin , TX
     
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  3. Paisley88

    Paisley88 Full Member

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    hahaha! This is one of the funniest things i have seen in a long time!
     
  4. mommyB

    mommyB love it

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    excellent
     
  5. Paisley88

    Paisley88 Full Member

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    She has a valid point, which is what makes it so funny!
     
  6. wannabesize10

    wannabesize10 Silver Member

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    that was so so funny ... and true !!
    have a happy period i used to hate it when the adverts said that :mad: ... thanks for sharing mini x
     
  7. rainbow

    rainbow Gold Member

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    lol x
     
  8. Dancing

    Dancing Gold Member

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    hahahah absolutely brilliant
     
  9. Paisley88

    Paisley88 Full Member

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    I was watching the tele this morning whist getting ready for work, when what should pop ua hppy perp but 'have iod!' Madness! Laughed a lot tho!
     
  10. CalicoSoneji

    CalicoSoneji Full Member

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    haha, thats brilliant!
     
  11. Taz

    Taz Spam Hunter

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    Excellent!
     
  12. Ronsy

    Ronsy Full Member

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    God love her, I soooo know where she is coming from. It's just as well Mr Thatcher was not in the same room as her!!

    :busted:
     
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